Nobody Loves a Bigfoot Like a Bigfoot Babe (13 page)

"Duane . . . we'd like to ask you a few questions," Willis stated in his regulation, matter-of-fact tone of voice.

Willis continued to sit stiff-backed with a serious look on his face while Merlot was a little too relaxed, helping herself to a handful of salted peanuts from a bowl while ogling MB.

After several moments of studying his old friend over the rim of his glass, Duane remarked, "So you're on Beau's case."

Willis nodded his head slightly to indicate yes.

Duane glanced over at Walt and saw him still glaring in their direction with a hostile look on his face.

"You know Walt will never forgive you, Willis," Duane mused.

Willis shrugged, "Fuck him."

Merlot looked askance at Duane and frowned, "Forgive Willis for what?"

Duane opened his mouth to reply.

Willis quickly cut him off, "Nothing you need to know about. It's not relevant to the case."

Merlot didn't push the matter, giving her partner a questioning look then glancing over at Walt.

Walt was still looking in their direction and pointing an unfriendly finger at them.

Duane glanced back at Walt and gave him the bird. Duane was gratified to see Walt visibly jolt.

"No, he certainly hasn't forgiven you, Willis, old friend. You'd think after all these years your family and his would let bygones be bygones."

The puzzled look on Merlot's face deepened. "After all these years?" She looked for an answer from MB, "Do tell."

MB opened his mouth to enlighten the bewildered FBI agent.

Willis quickly cut him off, too. "Shut it, if you know what's good for you, Mocking Bird."

MB folded his arms across his chest. "Old Indian legend tells us man who doesn't keep his mouth shut sticks his big foot in it."

Merlot looked even more perplexed.

Duane sensed there was tension at his table, and all of it was emanating from Willy. As he recalled, Willy could always be a little uptight and a little too quick to lose his cool. Now that he was older, those undesirable traits had gone up a few notches.

"Walt's family founded the town at the same time Willis' family did. The feud started over its name." Duane saw the angry glare on Willis and continued. "Even the Johnsons knew their name was inappropriate so the river's name was used."

"But welcome to Flucker has a nice ring to it, don't you think?" Merlot said, suppressing giggles.

Duane scratched his butt as he thought for a moment. He looked mischievously at Willis, "Oh yeah."

"Enough with the Flucking history lesson!" Willis glared at Duane. "Just for the record . . . have you seen anyone in the woods who you thought was acting out of the ordinary?"

"I keep a close look out for undesirables and such like . . . none of which I have seen recently." Duane smiled proudly to himself. "Gotta take care of my woods, you know. So many people these days got no respect for nature."

MB remained with his arms folded over his chest, and exclaimed in a serious tone, "Old Indian legend tells us that man who disrespects nature will only have fools for friends."

That was a good one, agreed Duane. That should keep the agents' thoughts rattling around in confusion. He had to admire MB for his moralistic depth-real fucking deep, man.

Willis gave MB a nasty glance then abruptly asked, "Duane . . . do we need a warrant to search your place?"

Duane was hurt. Why would his old friend need a warrant? As long his Bigfoot friends were nowhere in sight, Willy could drop in any time.

"Be my guest, Willis. My home is your home. But why do you want to search my place?"

"Because we and certain people in town . . ." He gave Walt a glance. ". . . Suspect you might be hiding the boy up at your cabin." Willis wasn't smiling. "After all, you've got a reputation for pulling pranks."

So what if he did have a reputation for pulling pranks; but to think he might be foolish enough to hide Beau at his cabin was ludicrous indeed. Duane contemplated the notion for a moment with his brow furrowed and an irresistible urge to scratch his butt, but he'd done so much thinking of late with his butt finger that he was getting tired of thinking. He needed to rest his brain whichever end that was at. He sighed heavily as he could see why the FBI agents thought he might be hiding the boy.

"Feel free to drop in anytime you like," he smiled. "But if I'm not in, then you can't see me . . . and sometimes when I am in you can't see me . . . but when I'm out, you can call on me." Duane chuckled at the puzzled look on Willis' face. "Lighten up, Willis. Lou doesn't seem to think I've got anything to do with Beau going missing."

With those prophetic words, Duane glanced over at the empty stage. "That's it . . . time for more live entertainment."

BOTH AGENTS REMAINED SEATED as they watched Duane take his Bigfoot head onto the stage where his guitar waited.

Duane tested the microphone by blowing a raspberry into it. A spotlight shone down on him like a silvery moon.

MB stood a few paces behind Duane, looking casual with his hands in his pockets. He also had a microphone in front of him.

The audience continued to chatter. The sound of clinking glasses continued. But most of the audience's attention was focused on the stage while they waited for Duane to break into his signature Bigfoot song.

"Can the idiot sing?" Merlot asked.

"He seems to think so," Willis replied.

Duane tapped the microphone, "Hi folks. It's us again-Duane-o the Bigfoot and the Chief."

Duane began to strum his guitar.

MB drew close to his microphone in readiness.

Duane burst into song:

"Nobody loves a Bigfoot, like a Bigfoot Babe,

Nobody likes a Bigfoot, until he's been laid,

Big and hairy,

He's a Sasquatch."

MB joined in,
"He's a Sasquatch."

Duane continued to sing,
"Big and hairy,

He loves his snatch,

They roam the land of woods and trees,

Plagued by bugs and pesky fleas."

MB joined in
, "bugs and pesky fleas."

Duane continued to sing
, "but all he wants is the birds and

bees."

MB burst into chorus with Duane.

"I'm a Bigfoot, I'm a Bigfoot,

Nobody loves a Bigfoot,

Like a Bigfoot babe."

The audience applauded and stamped their feet to the rhythm.

MERLOT CLAPPED HER HANDS and smiled. She glanced over at her partner and saw the slightest smile on his face. Agent Tightass was starting to melt.

Duane broke into a further rendition of his theme song,
"Nobody loves a Bigfoot, like a Bigfoot babe
."

A sudden clatter of chairs and loud male voices caused Merlot to look over her shoulder. She watched with rising apprehension as a fight broke out between two men in the audience. The fight spilled over onto another table. In moments, several more of the audience began to throw random punches at the nearest person. Even a few of the women got involved in a tussle, tugging their hair and screaming and kicking.

Merlot looked back to the stage.

Unperturbed by the fray, the song continued—

"I'm a Bigfoot,

I'm a Bigfoot,

Nobody loves a Bigfoot,

Like a Bigfoot Babe."

Several empty beer bottles flew across the stage. Duane and MB expertly dodged the projectiles aimed at them.

The Japanese tourists excitedly watched the fracas and clicked away with their cameras, shouting, "Banzai-Banzai-Banzai!"

With an alarmed look on her face, Merlot surveyed the barroom brawl. She looked to her partner.

"Um . . . shouldn't we do something?"

"No need. Leave it to the law." Willis looked at his watch. "They'll be here any second now," he said somewhat confidently.

What the fuck was going on
, thought Merlot, raising a quizzical eyebrow on hearing this reply.

Suddenly, a chair flew past Merlot's head and shattered against the wall behind her. Things were getting a bit too rough. She looked at Willis and saw that his attention was focused on Walt and the broken leg of a chair in Walt's hand. Merlot placed a hand to her gun, concealed within her jacket.

Like some caveman, Walt was waving the chair leg in a hostile manner directed at Willis.

Walt's beer-guzzling companions tried to hold him back.

Instinctively, Merlot unsnapped the harness from the butt of her gun. She didn't plan on using it on Walt. Just let him see she meant business. She looked all around the barroom and focused on the stage.

While the barroom brawl went on unabated, Duane and MB continued to sing though they were off key and a tad distracted by the fracas and flying beer bottles.

Hardly anyone seemed to be listening to them now.

Duane shrugged his shoulders, stopped singing and slung his guitar off. He glanced at MB. Wordless communication passed between them.

MB nodded his head in agreement and announced to all, "Okay folks, you asked for it."

Duane spoke into the microphone, "Time for the Awesome Asshole to strike again."

With an amused look, Merlot watched Duane turn his back to the audience and drop his Bigfoot duds to his knees. The glare of the spotlight reflected off his white ass making it hard for anyone not to get a glimpse of his perfect moon.

Heads turned in his direction, though not too many. There were a few wolf whistles from randy females.

The Japanese clicked away at Duane's perky buttocks, amid gasps of, "Banzai!"

But the fracas continued despite the sight of Duane's white ass up on stage.

For a brief moment, the sight of Duane's dumb ass had the desired effect of distracting Walt and Willis.

Walt sneered at the hideous sight. He relaxed his fighting stance and lowered the chair leg. "Not again . . . what an asshole."

This is just too much
, Merlot mused. She burst into childish giggling at the sight of Duane's hairy butt. She closed her jacket and relaxed a little. She quickly and furtively snapped Duane's ass with her cell phone.

MB prompted Duane over the microphone, "It's time for the Blazing Butthole to reveal his true colors." MB offered his firelighter.

Duane grabbed the lighter and squeezed out an almighty fart. The flame from the lighter exploded Duane's methane cloud. A three foot flame singed all the hair from his ass and caused several Beaverites to duck out of the way.

One Beaverite wasn't quick enough. His eyebrows were seared off.

Merlot took a snap of that, too.

Duane looked duly satisfied. He pulled up his Bigfoot duds and turned around to look at the barroom brawl that was still in progress. The Blazing Butthole and his accomplice exchanged glances and shrugged their shoulders. They grinned mischievously at each other.

MB looked at his invisible wrist and nodded his head. "5-4-3-2-1," he counted and then pointed at the door.

Merlot also noticed Willis check his watch and count down the seconds. Her confused look said,
What the hell is going on here
?

THE IDEA RATTLING AROUND in Maaawooo's head was quite simple-he intended preparing his harem of blond Bigfoot babes for some serious wooing with the happy juice. It was easier than going through the whole mating ritual. He was in the mood for some passionate three-way woooo-woooo.

But, as Maaawooo tried to leave the kitchen with arms raised, Olaaa hopped up and tickled his armpit. A bottle of happy juice clonked her on the head.

"Ftftft!" she spat, rubbing her sore head and scowling at Maaawooo.

Maaawooo grinned as he caught the bottle and frantically looked around for something suitable to carry it in so his hands would be free. He growled. He beamed with large yellow teeth. He saw Duane's old moth-eaten rucksack lying on the floor. Maaawooo grabbed the rucksack and took a peek inside. He tossed a set of Duane's dirty Bigfoot duds on the floor and stuffed both bottles into it. He heard a loud clink. Maaawooo gave Teeelaaa a worried look. He picked the rucksack up and could see it was dry. That was a close call.

Maaawooo slung the woooo-woooo sack over a massive shoulder and in his excitement at the thought of some wild mating he forgot to open Duane's rear door from the kitchen. He smashed straight through the flimsy door which shattered like kindling.

Teeelaaa and Olaaa looked at the mess they had made. Olaaa giggled. Teeelaaa grabbed her hand and followed Maaawooo, skipping and jigging to the salsa music still playing loudly from Duane's living room.

The three Bigfoot headed back to their secret home, deep in the forest where no pale one, except Duane of course, had seen.

But Maaawooo's thruster got all a-twitching and frisky. He diverted the babes into a well-known Bigfoot clearing used for woooo-woooo purposes.

A NEAR-FULL MOON illuminated Olaaa as she sat on a large boulder amid the trees, looking up at the twinkling stars in the clear night sky. She sighed heavily. Tears filled her eyes as she listened to the loud grunts and howls coming from behind a thicket. She longed to mate with her plaything. A shooting star trailed across the night sky. Olaaa made a wish-that her pale plaything and she would get hitched on the jooobaaa and woooo-woooo their brains out.

"Woooooeeeeeooooo," she bleated. "Weeeeeooooeeeee-ooooo."

Olaaa stared at the tiny white flowers in her palm and sniffed them. She sighed deeply, looking up to the heavens.

"Wooooo-aaaaaa-woooo-eee-oooo," she howled plaintively to the moon.

Her heart ached for a love she knew deep down she could never have. She was so much in love it hurt. She was overwhelmed with sadness. She saw another shooting star and wished she could be like her plaything and not be a Bigfoot anymore.

She sighed heavily and cried unaware that Teeelaaa and Maaawooo had stopped their noisy lovemaking and now stood behind her. She felt Teeelaaa's comforting large hand on her shoulder.

Olaaa looked up into Teeelaaa and Maaawooo's big round, concerned eyes. Olaaa had not told any of her Bigfoot tribe that she had taken her plaything. She feared if they knew they would force her to let him go and chastise her.

Teeelaaa patted Olaaa's head, mewling pathetically.

Olaaa forced a sad smile and nodded her head, mewling in unison.

Maaawooo suddenly looked as though a thunderbolt had struck his ass. He gave a wide grin and went over to the stash of tequila.

Olaaa watched him rummage inside the rucksack and pull out a bottle. He looked around for something to open it with. He tapped the bottle top on a rock, wiped any glass with a calloused hand and gave it to Olaaa.

Olaaa snatched the bottled and sniffed its contents. Her twitching snout sensed something was very wrong. She took a sip. She gulped it nearly all down.

Maaawooo tried to snatch his woooo-woooo prize away from her.

Olaaa turned from Maaawooo's grasping hand. She knew that Maaawooo was trying to cheer her up by offering her his precious gift. She thought Maaawooo might be right. It would have cheered her up except it tasted just like their local drinking hole.

Olaaa pouted and spat, "Ftftftftft!" She tossed the almost empty bottle in the air.

Maaawooo caught the gift and sniffed it. "Ftftftftft!" He gave a low dissatisfied growl on inspection. He ripped open the rucksack and snatched the other bottle. He smashed the top off and drank, spitting out the contents. "Ftftftftft!" He howled to the moon. Duane had out-foxed him. Maaawooo was displeased to say the least.

Olaaa and Teeelaaa giggled. Olaaa didn't mind the deception, but she knew that Maaawooo would be more than a little miffed with Duane.