Nobody's Dream (3 page)

But she had to make certain Kitty would not be the one to find her body. She would never put her dearest friend in the world through that. Her only hope was that Kitty would not blame herself for failing to see the signs.

No one could have seen them because Cassie had kept everything locked inside in fear of being judged or blamed.

Kneeling on the bed, Cassie sat back on her feet. “You have always been so kind to me, Kitty.”

“That’s what friends are for.”

“You mean even more than that to me. And what about
your
grades? My constant nightmares have been a distraction this entire term. When was the last time you were able to sleep straight through the night? You must regret choosing me as your roommate.”

Kitty stood and placed her hands on her hips, glaring at Cassie, who leaned back against the wall to place more distance between them. “You listen to me, Cassie López. We’ve been together for over two years. You’re not a burden. You’re my best friend. Besides that, God, you should have met my freshman-year roomie. No way do I want to find another roommate.” She shuddered theatrically—Kitty was being overly dramatic, to lighten her mood probably.

Her friend’s brief smile faded when Cassie was unable to return one. Kitty sat on the edge of the bed, reaching out to stroke Cassie’s leg before Cassie pulled the sheet over her lower body to break the skin-to-skin contact.

“Cassie, seriously, nothing would cause me to abandon you when I know you need me.” Kitty placed her hand over her abdomen. “I feel sick that you’d even think I would!”

You do not know who I really am anymore, Kitty.

Cassie reached toward Kitty, who grabbed her hand. “Your heart is going to be broken one day if you keep wearing it on your sleeve and seeing the best in everyone, especially in the ones who are toxic to you.”

Like me.

“Stop talking like that.” Kitty glanced toward the picture of the uniformed Marine on her desk. When she met Cassie’s gaze again, a mixture of regret and determination was evident. Cassie wondered why. “Listen, I spoke with my psych professor about this situation after class.”

“What situation?” Could Kitty see what Cassie had become?

“I didn’t give your name or anything! Anyway, he suggested I encourage you to talk to someone in the counseling center on campus. They might be able to help you get to the bottom of whatever is causing you these horrific nightmares.”

“I am not going into thera—”

“Why not? Sometimes you need to talk with someone who is better able to deal with things like this. You know I’d listen to anything you said, but I can’t necessarily provide you with solutions or understanding for whatever is haunting you.”

Tears blurred Cassie’s vision again. Having someone who cared enough to seek help for her tore at her heartstrings. Not that it would help. How Kitty could not see the futility of aiding someone so degraded and dirty was beyond Cassie’s understanding.

But she does not know.

“It is no use.”

Undeterred, Kitty pressed on. “Hear me out. I called the center today, and they said they accept walk-ins right here in our dorm most evenings, including tonight. I’ll go with you and wait until you’re finished. How about we go to the room right after our last classes of the day?”

Cassie blinked away the tears. “You would go with me?”

Kitty narrowed the space between them, wrapping her arms around her. For the first time in a long while, Cassie did not push her away. Just for this moment, she needed nurturing human contact again. She missed
Mamá
so much.

But
Mamá
could never know. To say nothing of
Papá’s
reaction if he found out.

Too often in her country, parents blamed the girl for her own rape. She had heard of an instance where the parents even forced a girl to marry the rapist. Bile rose in her throat at the thought of seeing her former fiancé, Pedro, again.
Papá
would insist she honor the agreement he had made with Pedro’s family.

Better not to tell anyone in her family, including her only brother.

“Cassie, you need to talk with someone who can do more than hold your hand and wipe away your tears. I’m afraid you’re going to—” Again, her friend glanced away, this time staring at the floor.

How could her friend be so perceptive about her innermost thoughts?

“Why don’t we go clubbing tonight? There’s a new one—”

“No!” Cassie closed her eyes and forced down the vomit that rose in her throat.
Breathe in. Breathe out
. Her hands and arms trembled violently as control slipped away—again.

Kitty squeezed her hand. “Please tell me what’s wrong, Cassie. You’re scaring me.”

Cassie tried to fabricate a story to appease Kitty, but her mind went blank. The silence lengthened, making her increasingly uncomfortable.

“They raped me.” The whispered words came out before she even knew they were on the tip of her tongue.

“Oh, God, no, Cassie.” Cassie could not meet her gaze for fear of seeing condemnation for allowing such a thing to happen to her. Kitty scooted closer on the bed and raised Cassie’s chin, forcing her to meet her gaze. “
They?
” Kitty’s rage impacted Cassie as if it were a tangible thing. “Who did this to you, Cassie?”

“Pedro and two of his friends.”

Kitty’s fingers squeezed her chin, and Cassie pulled away. “
Pedro?
That goddamned bastard! If he ever comes anywhere near you again—”

Cassie’s angered boiled up before she could tamp it down. “You will do nothing because he will
never
come anywhere near me again. I will never return to Peru.” The thought of Kitty going after him made her shake again. “And I do not want him anywhere near you, either.” Cassie tried to stave off her tears. To feel rage or sorrow all these months later would mean she hadn’t put the attack behind her despite trying so hard to forget.

“What about your family?”

“They can visit me here in the States.”

“No, what did they say about what happened?”

She turned away. “I did not tell them.”

Kitty reached out and unnecessarily brushed a lock of close-cropped hair off her forehead, causing Cassie to turn back toward her friend. “I’m sure you’ll be able to talk to them about this in time, and they will support you. I know they love you.”

Cassie succumbed to the weakness of tears.

“Until then, I’ll be your family. You’re already the sister I never had.” Kitty’s lower lip trembled. “No one should have to face this alone. I should have trusted my instincts when you came back from Peru with your beautiful hair cut off. And after these nightmares started coming almost every night.”

“I am sorry I shut you out, but I could not…” Unable to finish, she closed her eyes.

“I feel so helpless. I
hate
that feeling.”

As do I.

“Cassie, this is bigger than you and I can handle. Neither of us has ever faced something so life-changing. But remember freshman orientation? Columbia offers counseling for things like this, and I’m sure they’ve dealt with lots of cases of sexual assault.”

Cassie despised the politically correct terminology. She was
raped
. Why not say the word with all its negative connotations? Rape was vile. An evil thing. Nothing like the sanitized, legal term “sexual assault.” She had been
raped
.
Violated
.

Hold on. Kitty is only trying to make me feel better, even if she has no clue what it is like to be in my shoes right now.

Kitty squeezed Cassie’s hand. “No matter what happened, you’re still the same beautiful, loving person you were before. Don’t let those men continue to rape your soul. It’s time to let out some of the rage and let go of the shame.”

When Cassie remained silent, Kitty took a deep breath and continued. “Listen, I’m registered for a refresher workshop with the self-defense instructor I had freshman year. Adam…” She glanced at the portrait of the older man in uniform sitting on her desk and smiled. “Adam insisted that I learn to protect myself when I came to the city.” She turned back to Cassie. “Anyway, it’s Saturday afternoon at the Y. Come with me. If there’s no room, you can take my place.”

“It is too late to prevent what happened to me, Kitty.”

She shook her head vehemently. “Not what happened in the past, but learning to defend yourself can empower you to feel less victimized and fearful all the time.”

Cassie had fought hard during her attack, perhaps making her injuries worse than they might have been otherwise. While there had been no broken bones, she bled for days and suffered bruises in places her family, thankfully, had been unable to see.

She should be grateful none of the men had punched her in the face, which would have been impossible to hide. No, they had used her face for other atrocities, using some kind of metal and leather yoke over her mouth that kept her from biting their penises off, as much as she had wanted to. Still wished she had been able to do so.

Regardless of her attempts to protect herself, she had been raped by three men multiple times and in heinous ways for hours. “Nothing I could have done would have stopped them.”

“Well then, you can take out some of the rage and frustration you’re feeling on the instructor. He’ll be well padded. You can even knee him in the groin while picturing one of your rapists. Kick all
three
, if it makes you feel better.”

The visual of the description brought a tremulous smile to Cassie’s face, and Kitty grinned as well, visibly relaxing for the first time since Cassie had told her.

If only I had been able to knee them during the attack.

Too soon, fear won out again, and she sobered. “Do you think there is any hope I can move beyond this, Kitty?”

“Oh, there’s always hope!”

Perhaps suicide was not the answer. Her mother and grandmother, both Quechua shamans, had taught Cassie as a child that those who committed suicide were doomed to hover between this world and the next until their spirits were freed by either reincarnation or a special ceremony. She shuddered, never wanting to experience anything like that in a future life.

She needed to process what had happened and move on with her life, if possible. Cassie pulled away and met Kitty’s gaze. “Do they have female counselors at the center? I will not talk with a man about this.”

“I’m sure they understand that and will have women counselors. If not, we’ll keep looking until we find one.”

Unable to come up with any other arguments against going, Cassie decided to try the two actions her friend proposed. At least she would not have to do either one alone.

“Let us sleep some, Kitty. My first class is at ten.” Kitty looked disappointed and worried before Cassie continued, “Then we can talk with the counselor this evening.”

Kitty grinned and hugged her, but Cassie was so numb she did not even feel it. When Kitty’s arms squeezed tighter, though, Cassie felt smothered and pushed her away, drawing in a deep breath.

Kitty seemed hurt at first, but put a smile on her face. “I’m proud of you, Cassie. You’re so strong. You’re going to survive this.”

Cassie stretched out on the mattress, and Kitty started crooning a song Cassie found comforting, yet unfamiliar. Her friend stroked her hair, and Cassie closed her eyes.

She did not want to disappoint Kitty and keep dragging her friend down into this hellish hole with her. Logic told her that returning her head and heart to her true center would be key, but she had lost all sense of being. She had not even been able to meditate since the rape. Instead, Cassie had floated through her days like a ghost—invisible to all except Kitty. Perhaps she hoped to continue to drift away from life until she ceased to exist at all, just as her former self, Casandra, had virtually disappeared that night in the cantina?

No! I do not wish to lose this part of myself as well
. Cassie wanted to reclaim her place in the Universe. She wanted to listen, once again, to that small, still voice that would guide her toward her future and her destiny. Surely she would not be doomed to hide away inside this broken body for the rest of her life.

With Kitty’s help, there might still be hope for Cassie, even if Casandra no longer existed.

For her friend Kitty, Cassie would try one more time.

Chapter One