Nobody's Lost (Rescue Me Saga #5) (16 page)

“Kink can be fun. My ex-wife and I enjoyed some bedroom kink in our relationship. It can spice things up for sure.”

“Only in the bedroom?”

He drew a breath while trying to decide how much he wanted to say about that relationship. “At first. Back when we first began to play, I had no idea how to be a Dom. We tried a few things I’d heard about from the guys I served with, but I was in over my head in no time. Some of my buddies knew about a club in LA where I eventually was mentored by an authentic Dom.”

She learned toward him and propped her chin on her palm. “What kinds of things did you learn there?”

Her wide-eyed innocence had him wishing they’d branched off on an entirely different discussion tonight. How the hell had they gotten onto this subject anyway?

“I don’t think you need to know.”

“Oh, sorry. I didn’t mean to pry if it’s hard to talk about her.”

Hell, he wasn’t finding it difficult to talk about his ex. His feelings for her were long dead and buried. But someone with Megan’s curiosity and willfulness might go looking in all the wrong places for the Dom of her dreams. She’d probably wind up hurt, or worse. There were too many asshole posers out there, and it only seemed to be getting worse thanks to the media’s clueless and irresponsible reporting.

Which is exactly why I should talk to her.
Maybe I can use the opportunity to test her knowledge and make sure her information doesn’t get her killed.

“It’s not that I can’t talk about my ex. I just don’t see any point in having this conversation. Save discussion and negotiation for when you become serious about someone.”

“Sorry. Just curious.” She glanced down at her plate before meeting his gaze again. “You’re the first person I’ve met who actually has any experience in the lifestyle, so I thought I’d ask some questions.”

“Everyone’s kink is different. Knowing what I’m into probably isn’t going to help you down the road. Just promise me you won’t do anything stupid like go to a Dom’s house for a first date.”

“Of course I wouldn’t! I’m not even looking for a Dom. I just thought…” She leaned closer to him, lowering her voice to a husky whisper. “I hear there is great freedom in allowing yourself to be restrained by someone you trust. You’ve been locked up inside your head and your body for so long—”

“Whoa! Being the bottom or submissive isn’t
my
kink.”

“Have you tried it?”

“Only while being trained to use new techniques or toys. A Dom doesn’t try anything that hasn’t been tried on him first so he knows what his submissive is experiencing. But that was enough for me to know I’m a Top, not a bottom.”

“You know you can trust me. Perhaps things have changed for you since you trained as a Dom.”

Had they ever, but the thought of relinquishing control to anyone enough to be restrained, well, no fucking way. “Sorry, Red. You’re barking up the wrong tree.” Change the focus of this conversation back where it should be. “But I’d bet dollars to doughnuts you’re more submissive than Dominant.”

“Maybe I just like the idea of playing games in bed and won’t care if I’m on the giving or receiving end.” She winked at him.

“And just how many times have you
played
in bed with a man?”

Her smiled faded, and she sat back in her chair. “Touché.”

Damn, he didn’t mean to hurt her feelings.

He was going to kick himself in the morning for this, but at least she’d leave here knowing if she was a Top, a bottom, or maybe even a switch who enjoyed both ends of kink. “If you’d like to try a little experiment—one that doesn’t involve a bed—I think we can quickly determine which side of the BDSM coin you’re on.”

She smiled, eagerness lighting her emerald eyes once more. “What do you have in mind?”

“I’m going to ask you to stand, and I’m going to be behind you.” No fear. Perhaps if he ratcheted it up a notch. “I’ll want to bind your arms, mostly as a safety precaution in case my guess is wrong about your D/s orientation. Will that be all right with you?”

Damn, did her pupils just dilate? “Absolutely. I’d love to feel what it’s like to be tied up.”

“Do you mind if I pull your hair?”

“Pull my hair?” The huskiness in her voice told him she was excited by the idea—or was it fear? “Um,” her tongue flicked across her lower lip, “it sounds really sexy.”

No, definitely arousal. “This isn’t about sex. It’s about that exchange of power you keep talking about wanting to explore.” He waited a moment, but when she didn’t respond, he prompted her. “So, yes or no? Would having your hair pulled bother you?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t had my hair pulled since Patrick tormented me as a kid.”

“I’m not going to pull your hair like your brother did. It’s simply a means of exerting control over your body.”

“Through my hair?”

Jesus, what was he getting into here? She had no clue. Whatever made him want to introduce her to kink in the first place?

“Let’s forget all this. I don’t think you’re ready to find out whether you’re Dominant or submissive. The chances of you needing to know are—”

She placed her hand on his. “But I trust you more than I would any other man.” She scooted her chair back and stood. “Let’s do this. I’m curious now. I want to know.” She moved away from the table and turned her back to him. “Do I need to put my hair in a ponytail or something?”

Her long, gorgeous curls covered the top half of her back. He got hard just thinking about winding the long strands around his hand. God forgive him for what he was about to do. He’d do his penance tonight while lying
alone
in bed thinking about her and what might have been if he wasn’t so fucked up.

With a sigh, Ryder stood. “No need. Just stand there as you are. Relax a little, though. Do you trust that I won’t do anything to harm you?”

She nodded. Hell, she hardly knew him. How could she trust him like that? He didn’t trust her that much.

“I need to go get something in the bedroom. I want you to stand here and think about what you’ve asked me to do. Make sure it’s what you want.”

“Oh, I’m—”

“I said: Think about it. I’ll ask again before we proceed tonight.”

Ryder walked down the hall to his bedroom and then into the closet. He pushed the hanging clothes aside until he reached the back corner where he bent down to pick up his toy bag. He’d bought some new things after returning from Fallujah, hoping to resume his relationship with Sherry, but had never gotten the chance to play with them. She’d wanted nothing to do with him by that point.

He lifted the bag and carried it to the bed where he unzipped it. Ah, there’s what he needed. He pulled out the forty-foot bundle of solid-braid nylon rope and returned to the dining room where he found Megan standing with her hands at her sides and her shoulders squared as if for battle.

Was she or wasn’t she? Her body sent mixed signals. One way to find out.

As he drew near, her body relaxed visibly, rather than growing any stiffer. Perhaps her stance had been one of fear or uncertainty. She really did trust him, for whatever reason. He hoped she’d never put that trust so quickly into the hands of someone who didn’t deserve the gift.

He hooked the rope over the back of the chair she had vacated minutes earlier. Drawing closer to where she stood, he placed his hands on her shoulders. She leaned a little closer to him. Wanting to ease her strained muscles before he began, he moved his hands up the sides of her neck, massaging as he went. She relaxed some. When he reached her hair, he splayed his fingers open and slid up both sides of her head as he began massaging her scalp. The spicy scent of her shampoo or perfume assailed his nostrils.

“Mmmm. Feels so good.”

“Shhh. Don’t say anything. If you need me to stop, though, just say Scarlet. That will be your safeword. We can’t use red because you might confuse it if I spoke it since I use it as a nickname.”

“You get to use the safeword, too?”

“Yes, Baby. It’s for anyone in the scene who needs to put a stop to things.”

“Oh, well, I don’t want you to stop. But I should point out that just because I like to have my scalp massaged doesn’t mean I’m a submissive.”

“True. Now, try to behave and remain silent unless I ask a direct question. Focus on your breathing. In. And out. Slowly. I want you to get in tune with your body. Listen to it for guidance.”

While he hoped she was taking time to prepare herself, he turned, retrieved the bundle of rope, and loosened it, looking for the ends. Standing behind her once more, he divided her hair down the middle and placed half over each shoulder.

“I’m going to bind your arms now. It’s purely a safety measure. I don’t want you to be hurt. Are you ready?”

“Y-yes.”

“Good. Place your hands behind you with the backs of your hands resting on your butt and palms facing outward.” She complied, but fisted her hands. “Relax your fingers and stretch them toward the floor. Keep your body—especially your arms, hands, and fingers—relaxed so I can manipulate them as needed. You simply concentrate on your breathing. In. And out.”

Her breathing grew erratic, and her arms trembled when he started to apply the rope binding. Ryder circled around to face her, knowing what might help her relax. “Look at me.” She met his gaze, and her nervousness was palpable. “Breathe in with me, Baby, and on the exhale release all nervousness and negativity.”

Ryder took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, and she was only a second off. “Continue to synchronize your breathing with mine.” After several paired breaths, Ryder found himself becoming calmer, too, which surprised him. Apparently, he’d missed being in Dom mode—or Top mode in this case.

Perhaps he missed having control over something—or having someone who trusted him. He gave a mental shrug. Whatever, he enjoyed a sense of oneness with her as they breathed together.

“Now I want you to keep breathing steadily as we have been while I return to standing behind you. Set the pace of our breathing this time, and I will synchronize mine to yours. Cast your gaze to…” He looked behind him to find a focal point. “The rug in front of the fireplace.”

When he faced her again, she visibly cringed, and he knew that rug wasn’t something she wanted to look at. “On second thought, focus on this spot on the floor.” He tapped a place about two feet in front of her, and her gaze followed. “Now breathe.”

Resuming his place behind her, he waited for her to begin breathing. When she did, he adopted her rhythm, as he began restraining her arms into a dragonfly sleeve. He created the first knot and slipped the rope loops up her arms and over her shoulders, centering the knot between her shoulder blades. Remembering to breathe with Megan, he added a new knot every three or four inches as he worked down her back. Just below the center of her back, he added his first handle, then fashioned two more knots and another handle before tying off her wrists.

Ryder sighed before realizing he was no longer breathing with Megan. To finish off the dragonfly he needed to run the ropes between her legs and up to her shoulders.

Breathe. In. And out.

He soon was in sync with her again. Before he proceeded, he pulled her hair behind her again and let it hang down her back. It was short enough it wouldn’t cover either of the handles, but long enough for him to be able to get a good grip on it.

“Spread your legs a few inches apart, Megan.”

He let the ends of the rope dangle and walked around to stand in front of her again. When she started to lift her head, he instructed, “Keep your gaze downward, even if I’m obstructing the place I asked you to focus on now.” He didn’t want her to see his face in case he lost his own focus while working in close proximity to her sex or her breasts.

Beautiful. She wore a tank top with padded cups. He longed to cup her breasts himself, but when he heard her inhale, he remembered he was supposed to be breathing with her. Grounding himself in their synchronized breaths, he bent and reached between her legs to pull the rope ends quickly through and up to her shoulders where he tucked the right one in until he was ready for it.

As he created the sliding knot on the left, the back of his hand brushed her breast, and he became hard instantly. Her breathing hitched, and he realized having her gaze fixed on his lower body was a bad idea at the moment. Soon she recovered although the way her lips quivered, he knew she fought to contain her smile.

Ryder stepped up his pace and finished off the tie before walking around behind her again. Slowly and deliberately, he reached for a hank that included more than half of her hair and wound it around his fist.

“Listen to your body, Baby. Continue to take slow, deep breaths.”

His own body sizzled with pent-up energy. With each twist of his hand, he reined her in, preparing to exert control over her body.

Jesus, I’ve missed this.

The way she leaned against him told him he probably wouldn’t have any trouble with her fighting him. Thankfully, he had the handles on the rope binding in place. If her fight-or-flight reflex kicked in, things could become ugly fast. But judging by how docilely she accepted the restraints, he didn’t expect either of them would be hurt in a struggle.

Without warning, he yanked her head back against his chest using one hand on her hair and the other on the arm bindings. For an instant, her reflexes kicked in, and she tried to pull away. Just when he’d begun to wonder if she might be a Dominant after all, her body went limp, melting against his. He grinned.

Submissive to the bone.

“Feel the sensations. Listen to your body.”

He continued to hold her, enjoying the feel of her body against his. He just hoped he hadn’t unleashed something neither of them was prepared to deal with.

Chapter Twelve