Nobody's Lost (Rescue Me Saga #5) (28 page)

Somehow she didn’t expect him to ever call her for a romantic date. They’d quashed any chance of that already.

Ryder ran his hand through his hair and sat back in his chair abruptly. “Who the hell am I kidding?”

What did he mean? He didn’t even want to see her as a friend? That hurt more than his rejection of her being his submissive trainee.

He reached across the table and placed his hand over hers, and she set her fork on her plate, no longer hungry.

“Megan, I’m miserable without you. Yeah, I’d like to be your friend. But I’d like to have something more than that, too.” His thumb brushed over her knuckles and sent her nerve endings rushing to the surface.

He did?

Stay calm.

Hear him out.

“What did you have in mind?” Her voice sounded breathless, probably because her heart was pounding all of the oxygen out of her lungs. A significant part of what worked between her and Ryder was their deep level of caring for each other. She wanted something more than kink. What did Ryder want?

“Megan, I can’t give you a whole lot other than myself and the love in my heart. I don’t know when I’ll go off the deep end. I’m sure it’ll happen, but I’m working on getting my head on straight. I think I’ve found something that helps.”

She moved her palm upward so she could grip his hand. “I’m glad to hear that.”

“Someone, actually. You. My eyes were opened recently. I’ve got all kinds of possibilities ahead of me, but if I can’t have you in my life, they won’t be worth much.”

“You know I’ll be there to help you through whenever I can be.”

Ryder stared into her eyes, and the air sizzled around them. “What I’m trying to say…” He ran his free hand through his hair. “Megan, I can’t ask you to marry me yet, but I’d like to see you while I’m working through some things.”

A smile broke out on her face. He was getting her hopes up too soon. The woman was an optimist with a capital O. Hadn’t she heard what he was saying?

“My time is yours, Ryder. We have a lot of fun together.”

Why did it sound to him as though she was remembering those two nights of kink? Man, he couldn’t go there again without doing something he’d regret—like having sex with her. Maybe he could avoid the subject and point out some of the obstacles to their tying the knot for a while.

“Baby, I don’t have a house of my own. I don’t even have a job.”

“Well, I don’t have a steady paying job myself, and I’m living with my brother. It will take years for me to make a living at photography.”

“It’s different for you. But a man should provide for—”

“Don’t go there, Ryder. I believe in equality. Marriage should be a partnership—with benefits.” She waggled her eyebrows and grinned. “Lots of sexy, kinky benefits.”

Don’t encourage her.
He needed to make her see the seriousness here. “It would be selfish of me to ask you to wait for me to get my—

“Wait for what? I don’t think Carlos will be retiring anytime soon. I’m sure he’d let you continue to take care of his property as long as you needed a place to live. We could live there until we get our new careers going.”

He met her gaze. “I’m not going to live with you, Megan.”

She sat back in her chair and pulled her hand away. “Oh.”

“Not until we marry, anyway. Look, I need to talk with Adam and Patrick first to make sure there won’t be any fallout for you. But I’ll make sure they know I’ll do everything in my power to keep you safe, take care of and protect you, and love you with every breath I take.”

“Okay, let me get this straight. You want to marry me, but have to ask Adam and Patrick for permission first?”
Wow—such a gentleman
. Too bad she didn’t need either of her brothers to approve what she knew was right for her life. “If anything puts the breaks on our relationship, it will be one of us.”

“But your brothers understand firsthand the unpredictability of PTSD. They know there could be some bumpy days ahead. Besides, if they don’t give us their blessing, it would drive a wedge between you and your brothers, and I won’t be responsible for breaking up a family.”

“Life is unpredictable, Ryder.” Before setting him straight on a few things, she
did
need to make sure he understood what she’d tried to explain last week. No sense in all this talk about marrying only to pull the rug out from under him later.

“Remember what I told you before I left your place?”

He tilted his head. “You said a lot of things. You spoke your truth. I needed to hear it, too.”

She shook her head. “No, not that part. I mean, I’m glad you heard that, but I’m talking about my not being able to have babies.”

“What?” He acted as though he was hearing her for the first time. How could he have missed something that important? But that night she’d been so emotional she didn’t even know what she’d said.

“Ever since I hit puberty, I had the most God-awful painful periods. Two years ago, after having no success with the pill and several surgical procedures, I chose to have a total hysterectomy.”

“God, Megan!” He pushed his plate aside, his dinner mostly untouched, and reached for her hand with both of his. “I remember when my mom had one. It took her a long time to get over that. For you to have to face something like that so young—I hope you weren’t alone, at least.”

Did he even know what this meant for her future—
their
future, if they still had one? “My mom was with me. You
do
realize this means I can’t give you little Ryders or Megans?” A tear rolled down her cheek.

“Oh, Baby, please don’t cry. Hell, if the time comes when we want kids, we can adopt. I wouldn’t want to bring more kids into this screwed-up world. Someone needs to take care of the ones who are lost.”

Megan swallowed hard and let the tears continue to stream unimpeded down her face. She blinked when her eyes blurred so much she couldn’t see him any longer. His face continued to swim before her, but she smiled, and a few more tears escaped. He leaned toward her and reached out with his free hand to brush the tears from her left cheek. Her face leaned into the palm of his hand.

Cherished.

She smiled and placed her hand over his. “I will. I do. Whatever the question was—” Thinking back, she realized he hadn’t really asked
the
question. He’d only stated what he would do if she said yes,
after
he talked with her brothers. If he didn’t care whether she could give him babies—and she couldn’t imagine wanting to spend another day without him—what more was there to say?

“Ryder Wilson, will you marry me?”

Chapter Twenty-one

R
yder stared at Megan a long moment, wanting to make sure he’d heard her right. The expression on her face told him she was awaiting a response. No, he hadn’t imagined her question, but had she heard anything he’d said earlier?

“Nothing would make me happier, Megan, when the time is right. Let’s give it a few weeks to be sure everyone—”

“Seriously, Ryder, I’m not going to say it again. I don’t need my brothers or anyone else to approve my choice of husband.”

If he did anything to dishonor her among her family… “Megan, it’s not that I need their approval. I just don’t want to cause any—”

“If either of my brothers has a problem with the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, then our family would be seriously broken.” She squeezed his hand. “Trust me, we aren’t any more screwed up than any other family. We don’t bite unless you ask nicely—or deserve it.”

He couldn’t help but grin until the image of Megan biting him sent his thoughts in the wrong direction.

“Ryder, how could they not love you?”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Trust me. Patrick’s more worried about whether I’m going to find a man to take over for him and protect me. With my total lack of interest in dating all these years, he probably figures he’ll be saddled with me forever.” She smiled and signaled for the server to get their check. “But if you need to know you’ll be welcomed into the family before giving me your answer…”

Overcome with emotion, he cleared his throat. He’d wanted to be part of a family for a long time. He’d blown it with his mom until it was too late, although he and Marcia still talked. He’d go with Megan to see her tomorrow. He hadn’t shown his sister what he’d become since his discharge, but his time of hiding was over. Not that he had conquered his fears yet.

“What if I can’t keep things under control?” He didn’t have to spell out to her what he meant.

“Then I’ll be at your side to hold you, and we’ll get through the bad times as well as the good. There’s nothing we can’t tackle if we’re together.”

“How can you be so sure? We’ve known each other less than two weeks. I figured we’d date at least a few weeks or months and see how it goes. I’m thinking about heading up to Denver soon and figured you might want to come along, too. I think if we wait—”

“Why should we?”

“You mean you want to get married right away?” She had to be the most determined woman on the planet. Damn the torpedoes and full speed ahead. Ryder sighed. Maybe he could talk with one of her brothers before going too far. “Did you say Patrick would be at the condo tonight?”

She scowled. “Are you always this stubborn?”

“I’d call it being practical. For one thing, I don’t have a job.”

“I’m not exactly bringing a paycheck into this relationship myself.”

“I can do anything I put my mind to. I just have to find the right place where my PTSD won’t flare up the way it did at the hospital.”

“That was right after you got out of the Corps. I’m sure you’re going to find something that’s perfect for you.”

He knew Carlos would let them stay there as long as they needed a place to live. His job was in Albuquerque and he chose not to live on the pueblo and commute two or more hours a day. Whenever Carlos had wanted to spend time in the mountains, they’d either shared the house or Ryder had used it as an excuse to take an impromptu road trip.

“We’ll both survive until we get on our feet, Ryder. I have a trust from my father.”

“I don’t want to freeload off you.” He clenched his jaws. “I plan to work.”

“We both will work, but what’s mine is yours and yours is mine. I’ve never touched it because I didn’t have a clue what I want to do with it. Now we can decide together. The whole world is opening up, Ryder. I can feel it. Without any ties to jobs or property, we can settle anywhere we want. Someplace rural. That would be perfect for my photography business, too. New Mexico or Colorado—either one would be perfect. I promise, though, Chicago is not on my list.”

“I never thought about moving out of state.”

“We don’t have to unless you want to. I think we just need to keep our options open. Have you ever worked on a ranch or farm?”

“No.”

“It’s something to consider. There also might be maintenance or construction jobs in small towns. We’ll talk to Adam when we go up there. I want to help Karla when her mom has to go home. But I’m sure if there are any job opportunities, he’ll know about them. He has a lot of connections.”

Her optimism was becoming contagious. Among the takeaways from his vision quest, sometimes you needed to make a new start.

“Just don’t create obstacles, Ryder. Life has a way of putting enough real ones before us.”

“I’m working on changing my tendency to do that.”

“That’s work enough for now. Give yourself time to heal. We have the rest of our lives together. All I know is that I don’t want a prolonged engagement or fussy wedding. I’m sure I’m not getting any sex until that ring is on my finger.” She waggled the fingers of her left hand in the air between them. “So let’s go to Patrick’s and call whoever we think might show up, and we can have a judge or justice of the peace marry us as early as Monday if this state doesn’t have a waiting period.” She reached under the table for her purse.

What was her hurry? He ran his hand through his hair. “You are one impulsive lady.” Their foray into kink the second night they were together made that clear. “Look, it’s Saturday. We can’t apply for a license until we go to the courthouse Monday. Let’s take it one day at a time.” A lot could change in two days, although her plan for a small civil ceremony meant fewer people. He wanted his entire focus to be on Megan whenever they started their life together.