Nobody's Lost (Rescue Me Saga #5) (29 page)

At least he’d have a couple of days to get his own head wrapped around the idea of being married. Again. He hoped he’d learned from his mistakes with Sherry. Megan wasn’t anything like his first wife, though. She was open, honest, and understood Ryder’s issues. In fairness to Sherry, maybe it helped that Megan hadn’t known one Ryder and then been saddled with a different man after the military.

Jesus, don’t let me fu—

Before he let the familiar negative thoughts filter into his head, he closed his eyes and breathed in positive thoughts. Megan’s smile. Her laugh.

He met her gaze, more sure of himself than he had been moments ago. “I love you, Megan Gallagher.”
Jesus!
“Do you realize I haven’t even told you I love you before this?”

She enveloped his hand in both of hers. “You didn’t have to say it for me to know. You said it in so many nonverbal ways. When you reached for my hand as we walked together. The way you made sure I was fed—and very well, I might add—and that I didn’t work too long without a break. The massages. Oh, you can just keep doing those. With the way you protected me from dangers, real or perceived. With the way you—”

He held up his free hand. “Okay, okay. I can see you’re going to be easy to please, my future wife.”

She beamed. “Oh, Ryder, you please me very much. But I also intend to find ways to please you. Not just with kink, although I do want to explore more of that with you. I’m sure I’ll find other ways, too.”

“Oh, Baby, all you have to do is be you. You bring so much joy into my days. I didn’t tell you this, but during my vision quest this week, I encountered your spirit guide animal.”

“Is that like a fetish?”

In the context of the conversation, he knew she wasn’t talking about kink. “What do you know about fetishes?”

She smiled. “After my encounter with the coyote up on your mountain and the amazing connection I felt with him, I had to learn more. So I came home and googled coyotes and their special meanings. The Zuni have incredible information online describing all of the different spirit guide animals.”

“Very good. Zunis specialize in creating beautiful fetish objects, sometimes referred to as a totem or talisman. It’s nothing more than a manmade manifestation of a spirit animal. Small, it can be carried in your pocket for protection or as a reminder of what the guide is trying to teach you.”

Megan reached to open her purse and retrieved a carved, Picasso marble coyote with turquoise blue eyes.

Ryder smiled. “I see you’ve already figured out that the coyote is your spirit animal. He told me so, too. You were more in tune up there than I realized. Oh, and he said he misses you.”

“You spoke with him? I envy you having that ability.”

“He visited me on the last day of my vision quest ritual. Perhaps we can do the purification ceremony and quest together sometime. I’m sure if you quiet your mind long enough, you’ll hear from your spirit guides, not just the animal one but others.”

She scowled jokingly. “Are you saying I talk too much?”

He grinned. “I’m saying your mind is very busy. As is your body.”

“One of the hardest things for me here in the Southwest was to learn to take things a little slower. We probably keep moving in Chicago just to keep warm. Perhaps you can help me with what you have learned about spiritual matters and the Native American ways.”

She shrugged. “Anyway, from what I read online, the coyote shows us that life is unpredictable and uncontrollable. Even when shit happens, it views unexpected occurrences as opportunities, not misfortunes.”

She grew introspective for a moment before meeting his gaze again. “You know, I think I should forgive Grant for what she did. If not for her, I never would have met you. Misfortune turned into opportunity—the chance for me to meet you.”

While he wasn’t there yet, he knew she was right. “One of the things I learned during my quest is that holding on to grudges and bitterness only leads to unhappiness and keeps us estranged from the ones we love.”

“Very true.” She leaned forward and cupped her chin in her hand. “So did you discover your spirit animal?”

“I did.” He knew how she would react and didn’t want to tell her.

“Well? Tell me—or is this something we shouldn’t tell others?”

He sighed. “No, we can share if we wish. Promise you won’t get upset.”

“Why would I be ups—Oh, my God! It’s the rattlesnake, isn’t it?”

“Well, the snake. Yes.”

“I killed your spirit guide animal!”

“No, Megan. You can’t kill a spirit animal. The one you killed did return to me to let me know he had no hard feelings.” Seeing how upset she was, he’d hoped his words might help, but she still seemed distraught. “Megan, he shed this life for another, but he and his brothers and sisters will continue to watch over me.” When tears welled in her eyes, he reached out and stroked her cheek with his thumb. “Please, don’t cry. Remember, we thanked him for providing food for our bodies and honored him as the warrior he was.”

She shook her head, and tears spilled from her eyes. “That’s not why I’m crying. Ryder, from what I read, the snake is perfect for you. I even thought of you when I read about it at the Zuni Web site.”

“Why do you think so?” He was curious to hear what she learned.

She pulled her phone out of her purse. “I can’t remember the wording for yours as well as my own, so let me google it again.”

He shook his head and wondered if she could live without technology.

“Here it is!” She read: “‘The snake is a powerful symbol of our need to discard old ways, patterns, and perspectives. He transforms negative things into something positive.’”

Surprisingly, that definition touched him more than the one he’d remembered. The words rekindled some of the feelings he’d had during his encounter with the rattlesnake on the last night of his vision quest ritual.

“It also says snakes shed their skin, Ryder. They let go of all their negative baggage and start anew.”

The backs of his eyes burned. “True.” He could barely get the word out and cleared his throat.

In an instant, Ryder knew that during all this talk of marriage and hope for the future, he still wallowed in his negative thoughts of the past and continued worries that he wasn’t good enough for her. He hadn’t changed his mindset one bit since the vision quest. Of course, he’d learned in his group therapy sessions at the VA hospital that any behavioral change takes weeks of repetition and reminders to change.

At least now when he became aware of lapsing into old habits and listening to the long-running tapes in his head, as the shrinks called them, he corrected himself. Progress. One step at a time, the lodge leader had advised.

He brushed his thumb over Megan’s knuckles. “I can’t believe how fast things are moving, but maybe that just means this is right for both of us.”

“Ryder, I knew you were the only man for me by day two—and I only took that long because I was so sure I didn’t want or need a man in my life, or that no man would want
me
.”

“You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known—inside and out. Any man would be proud to have you as his wife.”

“Well, I only want one man. You. Say ‘yes’ and make me the happiest girl in New Mexico.”

One thing became crystal clear. As long as Megan wanted him, it didn’t matter what anyone else said.

“As long as our witnesses can forever hold their peace, you’ll make me the luckiest man in the world come Monday—or whenever the state lets us—by becoming my wife.”

Her eyes lit up as her smile broadened. “Really? We can get married by a JP?” When he nodded, she launched herself out of her chair, around the table, and into his lap.

“Oh, I see I can still turn you on after all this time.” She wiggled her ass against his erection.

He pinched her butt. “Don’t be a tease, Baby Girl. You’re supposed to be a virgin.”

“Not for long.”

“Well, I’d like to walk out of this place with a little dignity, so stop squirming.”

What the hell? Sometimes dignity was overrated.

Ryder grabbed a hank of her hair and pulled her backward before he lowered his mouth against hers. She opened herself to him, and his tongue slipped between her lips.

Warm.

Sweet.

Megan.

Her warm breath on his face urged him on and, he pulled her hair back to deepen the kiss as he mouth opened wider. Their tongues tangled and her moan made him grow harder. The way she tried to move on his lap told him she felt it. His hand moved to cup her breast.

Jesus.

Needing to regain some control, he released her mouth leaving both of them gasping for a deeper breath.

“Breathe with me, Baby.” Together, they synchronized their breaths, as they had done the night he introduced her to bondage. His connection to her grew stronger than ever.

When their breathing returned to normal, she smiled. “Oh, my! That was… Um, I think I need to pack so we can go home tonight.” She glanced around the room and he followed her gaze to zero in on one embarrassed server who seemed equally interested in not missing the show.

Dazed, he brought his attention back to Megan. “Home?”

“Well, to your place—yours until we’re married, anyway.”

Hell, no. “With or without your brother’s approval, no way are you sleeping at my house until we’re married.”

“But I spent two nights up there already.”

He heard retreating footsteps as the server apparently decided she’d eavesdropped long enough. “That was different. I was on a mission to protect you then. And we know how much trouble we can get into when we’re alone together.”

She stuck her lower lip out. “You’re not going to be an easy man to live with, are you?”

He grinned, and he fought the urge to pull her into his arms and kiss her. “I promise I’ll try to be a lot easier after we’re married.”

*     *     *

Megan gave up trying to tame her hair and pinned a lock of it over her left ear with a barrette to hold it in place. Why were her hands shaking? Thank goodness she hadn’t wanted a big wedding. With Carlos as best man and Marcia the maid of honor, the ceremony would be small and intimate. Patrick would record a candid video for Mom, Adam, and others who couldn’t be here.

She’d bought a form-fitting, calf-length dress made of white Spanish lace while shopping on the Plaza in Santa Fe yesterday after she’d met Ryder’s sister.

Her future sister-in-law was a hoot and had a keen eye for quality art. Knowing she had liked Megan’s work on its own merits without thinking of her as a potential family member gave Megan added confidence in her abilities. No doubt several of her photos would be displayed for sale there from now on and if they sold, she’d send more to Marcia.

“Sis, are you ready?” Patrick’s voice came from the hallway.

“Almost!”

She picked up her handbag and joined him in the hall. Patrick wore a fabulous gray suit. He’d offered to come in uniform, but with this being a civil ceremony, she saw no reason to fuss. How such a handsome man could go without having a woman snatch him up was beyond her.

“Megan, you look beautiful.”

She smiled. “Today, I
feel
beautiful because I’m going to marry the man who makes my heart complete.”

He shook his head. “I sure hope you know what you’re doing. Mom thinks you’ve gone off the deep end, you know.”

“Just wait ’til Mom meets him at Adam’s place in a couple weeks. She’ll love him, too.” She stood on tiptoes, gave him a peck on the cheek, and then wiped away the coral lipstick. “Thank you for not going into typical big-brother mode with Ryder the other night.”

“If Adam trusts him with your life, then I know I can.”

Marines and their Code. God love ’em.

“I guess we’d better go. Marcia texted me that they’re about thirty minutes out from the courthouse. I don’t want to keep my future husband waiting.”

“You haven’t kept him waiting at all, by most wedding standards.”

She punched his arm playfully. “You’ve been listening to Mom.
‘What harm would it do to wait a few weeks at least? Get to know him better. Men with combat stress can change at the drop of a hat.’
”

“You know what she went through with her first husband.”

She nodded.

“I’ll try to help reassure Mom that Ryder is trying to change how he responds to his triggers and nightmares. While you were working on your photo edits the other night, Ryder and I had a good long talk.”

“Yeah, I was a nervous wreck, worrying the whole time you were going to send him packing for the hills.”

Patrick grinned, probably remembering how much fun he’d had intimidating past boyfriends. “Anyway, the vision quest and sweat lodge ceremony he participated in sounds like something I might try sometime.”

Megan gave him a hug.

“What’s that for?”

“For being a strong Marine who knows when he needs to reach out to others. I’m so glad you found Save a Warrior. I noticed a dramatic change in you when you came home from that experience.”

“It’s actually spiritually based, like Ryder’s vision quest.” They broke the hug, and he smiled at her. “You found a good man, Megan. But you know I’m here for you, no matter what. Promise me you’ll be a strong Marine sister and you’ll let me know if you ever need
anything
.”

“I will. But you also taught me how to be strong and take care of myself.”

She grinned. “Now I think we’d better go.

They walked toward the garage, and once inside, he opened the passenger door of her Ford Escape and gave her a hand up. She’d learned long ago not to even try to open doors for herself around him. As she waited in the SUV, she pulled the vows from her purse and read them over again. The words of her heart for the man who won her heart.

They didn’t say a lot on the way downtown. A text from Marcia told her they were in the county clerk’s office and could start the process for the license as soon as the bride arrived. Patrick parked, glaring at her when she opened her own door to get out, but went to the back of the SUV to retrieve a large white box.

“Sis, I wanted you to have a bouquet, even if it’s a civil ceremony.”