Nobody's Lost (Rescue Me Saga #5) (26 page)

“You mind telling me why you involved Megan in your crime?”

Her mouth tensed. “Megan struck me as something who could understand us and know how to deal with the pressures from flashbacks and triggers. I also had a gut feeling that all you needed was for Top to give you another mission and you’d get it together.”

“Wait. Top sent you?” He shook his head. “No, Top wouldn’t put Megan in danger like that.”

“No. He didn’t know anything about what I had in mind.”

“What if Megan had found you in there? The woman knows how to handle a sidearm. Someone could have been killed.” Ryder wasn’t so certain Megan would have been the one coming out on the losing side of such an encounter.

“I knew her whereabouts when I went in for the computer. And I kept watch on the house the entire time you were there with her.”

Some watch guard he was. He hadn’t seen anything out of the ordinary when they came and went from the condo.

“How did you know she’d get in touch with him about the break-in?”

“I didn’t, but before I could call him to alert him about a break-in, he called me to ask if I could track down someone near Albuquerque to check on Megan.”

Everything had come together better than had happened with many of the five-part Fragmentary Orders issued during his deployments. Had the Great Spirit been pulling some strings for him? Clearly, the one needing rescuing was Ryder, not Megan. Still, that she had been thrown into the middle of Grant’s crazy scheme pissed him off.

“Does Megan know about this yet?”

“No, but I brought her computer with me. I think it would be easier for you to take it back to her.”

“Easier on you or me?”

She smiled for the first time. “Me, of course.”

He ran his fingers through his hair. “Jesus, Grant, I don’t want to have to tell her someone I know and once trusted was responsible for shattering
her
trust and security.”

Grant flinched and her smile faded, but goddamn it, if she thought he could continue to trust her after doing this, she needed to have
her
head examined by the VA shrinks.

“Wilson, you two are good for each other. I hope you won’t hold what I did as a reason to stop seeing her.”

At least Top wouldn’t blame him for screwing this up. “What did Top say when you told him?”

“Well…”

“You haven’t told him.”

“I was getting ready to yesterday, but Karla’s…having a hard time.”

“Shit. He must be beside himself. Does Megan know about his wife? Heck, she might be in Denver now.”

“No clue what she knows, but she’s still at her brothers in Albuquerque as of this morning. Adam’s a private man, though, so don’t say anything unless she does.”

“I won’t. But
you’d
damn well better find a way to fill him in on what you did—and soon. I’m going to get at least one night’s sleep before I go to see Megan, but only if you’ve removed that fucking camera from my—”

“That’s where I was when you came in.” She placed a small device on the table that had been in her hand all along.

He reached over to pick it up. The thing was as small as a gumball and dusty. Looked like it
had
been there for months, and he’d never had a clue.

He met her gaze. “Grant, trust me on this. Top’s going to be pissed as hell that you put his sister in the middle of this crazy-ass scheme. What the hell were you thinking?”

Grant sat back and squared her shoulders, but remained silent.

Ryder didn’t want to discuss this any further and stood. “I’m going to bed. You’re welcome to stay. Or go. I don’t care. But you’d better call Top and come clean before I go to see his sister tomorrow to take back her computer.”

This wasn’t the way he’d envisioned his first meeting with Megan after his many epiphanies. Already his resolve to leave negativity behind had been cast by the wayside. Before he went down to the city, he’d spend a little time on his mountaintop and refocus himself in where he wanted his head and heart to be before he went anywhere near Megan.

*     *     *

Ryder’s cell phone buzzed, and he looked at the screen. Oh-six-thirty. Adam Montague. Fuck. Why was the man calling him
now
? Had Grant made the call. Or maybe Top had found out what Ryder had been doing while watching over his sister?

In typical fashion, Top skipped the chit-chat and cut to the chase when Ryder answered. “Listen, Wilson, Grant just called and spilled her guts.”

Making sure she’d told him the entire truth, he asked, “About what?”

“About Operation Rescue Megan. Or maybe Operation Rescue Wilson is more accurate.”

Sounded like he knew. “Yeah. She told me last night. I have Megan’s computer and will get it back to her today.”

“Have you spoken with Megan yet?”

“No, I’m just coming off a four-day fast and ritual and haven’t even been able to process that, much less everything Grant told me last night.”

“I’m not condoning what she did—and I’m sure you feel as strongly as I do that something needs to be done to make up for this huge breach of trust. I’ll deal with Grant later. I don’t know how much you know about her, but I’ve gotten to know her as a civilian even more so than we did during that brief time in Fallujah. She’s impulsive, vindictive, and her moral compass is more than a little twisted. Hell, the woman joined Black Ops after Fallujah to go after the insurgents who killed Sergeant Miller.”

And Ryder had been worried about
her
wellbeing on that rooftop? Shit, she’d shown the recon unit even then she didn’t crack under pressure.

“Did she find them?”

“She got satisfaction.” Top paused a moment. “But one thing remains, if not for Grant, I still wouldn’t know you were having trouble. You know the drill. Why the fuck didn’t you contact me?”

His chest burned, reminding him to take a deep breath. Whenever any of the Marines who served under Top were discharged, even the ones like Ryder who left after Top retired, they were given his number and told to call him for anything, day or night.

“I’ve let you down too many times, Top.”

“What the fuck are you talking about, Marine?”

“First in Kosovo.”

“You were green then. You were always going to fuck up there. That’s part of the training process. At least we weren’t involved in any combat situations. Everyone came home. It was an excellent opportunity for you and a lot of others to learn how to be better Marines. Hell, we had no clue what was ahead of us back before 9/11.”

“True, but I’d been in the Corps for seven years when I screwed up in Fallujah. I should have called for the preplanned strikes and—”

“You also had been given orders—by me—to protect Grant. She never should have been put in the middle of shit like that.”

Is that why Ryder had been up there on that rooftop? How could he have forgotten that?

“Together with Doc, you all worked as a team to save Damián’s life. I can’t thank you enough for that.”

Ryder’s throat tightened up. “But I got Doc injured.”

“I’m not sure anything we could have done would have prevented that clusterfuck or could have tried any harder.”

Ryder cleared his throat. “Maybe not.” He couldn’t say any more. He needed to let it go. Move on.

Forgive yourself. It’s time to heal.

Apparently, Top could hear volumes through the silence. “Something else twisting your gut?”

He couldn’t tell him what Gino had said during the vision quest. The man would think he’d really lost it if he was hallucinating about dead Marines.

“I’ve had some issues coming to terms with Gino D’Alessio’s death. If not for me, he wouldn’t have been deployed as a replacement—” Less than a day after his quest and he already wasn’t sure how much he’d forgiven himself.

“Not you, too.” Ryder didn’t know who else he referred to or what he meant. “Listen, Wilson, Gino might have replaced you after your accident—”

“A stupid sports injury. I got sent home for a fucking football game injury.”

“Shit happens. Deal with it. But he wasn’t there to serve as our FIST. He was half of a scout/sniper team at the time he was killed. The Marine serving as FIST did everything you would have. We just couldn’t get any helos in the air until it was too fucking late. There was nothing you could have done to change that fact. The fault lies further up the chain of command, if anywhere.”

Really?
Ryder needed time and space to process all this intel.

“Easier said than done, but try and let go of the guilt. It just rots your gut. Now, hear this. Anytime you’re having trouble with what happened in the past, you’d damned well better call me first if you need any kind of help. You got that, Marine? We’ll take advantage of every program we can find to get you through it. Hell, we’ll go OFP if we can’t find a sanctioned program that works. Talk to Doc sometime about what it took to break through to him—not that I intend to repeat that process for you or anyone else if I can help it.”

Ryder was afraid to ask for details. Maybe he’d get a chance to talk with Doc again when he went to Denver.

“Actually, Top, I already found some things I think are going to help.” Should he mention Megan was at the top of the list?
Not yet.
He wanted to show Top he had his shit together before asking for any blessing to date his sister. “I just went through a vision quest and purification lodge ceremony here on the pueblo. I already see a difference in the way I handle things.”

“Good for you. The Native American tribes can teach the VA a few things.”

“I did this outside the VA, but it seemed to help me deal with some things I already had a little screwed up before I even went into the Corps. Issues with my mom and dad.”

“Our pasts sometimes bite us in the ass. Trust me. This, I know.”

Top had issues, too? Who did he go to when he needed help processing shit? He always seemed to be in control of everything. Maybe no one was immune to having to deal with those dark days. Maybe his wife had helped him. Having someone beside you at those times must be a comfort, even though he’d never forgive himself if he unintentionally did something to hurt Megan during a night terror or flashback. Still, he’d talked with her after some of them, and it really did help.

“Keep me posted. And Ryder, I think we can dispense with our military names. Call me Adam.”

“Top…I mean Adam, I’m going to take a ride up to Denver sometime this summer. I’d like to hang out with you guys over some beers sometime and shoot the shit.”

“Sounds like a plan. Door’s always open for any of my Marines.”

“Thanks. I appreciate that.”

“Ryder, my best advice: Find a girl, get married, have babies. I highly recommend it.” The man’s contentment sounded loud and clear through the phone.

Ryder smiled. “Megan tells me congratulations are in order.” He grew serious again. “Sorry to hear your wife’s having a hard time of it, though.”

“Yeah, and I need to get back to her. Tell Megan we said hi, and we’ll call her and Patrick with a full report soon.”

“Oh, one more thing, Top!” Ryder paused a moment, wanting to find the right words to ask Top for his okay to date his little sister.

“Listen, I’ll have to call you back when things—” Ryder heard him speaking to someone else. “Kitten, you should be in—”

The call ended, and Ryder was left frustrated. Maybe it was for the best. When the time came for him to ask the man for his blessing before he proposed to Megan, he’d make sure he planned and practiced his speech. Face to face would be better anyway. He’d plan on heading up to Denver in the next few weeks.

Jesus, another city.

He’d need to ask her other brother, too. Talk about running a Marine gauntlet. But Megan would be worth all that pain and more.

Ryder pocketed the phone and found himself staring down at the empty bed where she’d slept, realizing at some point in the conversation he’d wandered in here again. Not for the first time, either, since she left. He even slept in here the night before the vision quest began when he couldn’t find peace in his own bed. Just having her spicy scent on the pillow calmed him down. He could close his eyes and pretend she was lying there beside him.

He’d spent a lot of time remembering those two evenings they’d explored kink together. No Dom could ask for a more eager sub. What might have happened between them that last night if he hadn’t been running scared?

He’d thrown away the best thing that had ever happened to him.

Jesus, I miss her.

At least now he had a reason to go see her and try to make up for being such a coward. Even if she didn’t want to see
him
again, she’d welcome back her computer. Should he call first and make sure she wanted to see him? At least he knew she wasn’t in Denver.

Time for a new mission.

Find a girl, get married, have babies.

Chapter Twenty