NORMAL (49 page)

His eyes slam closed. "
God,
Ror, if you're going to say things like
that
, I'm barely going to make it inside you, baby," he growls.

"Well then don't make me ask again. Are you really going to make me beg you after last night? You know I have more bathing suits like that one to torture you with," I tease, though I most certainly do not. But I can always borrow one from Carl.

Sam jumps off the bed and my eyes follow him to the drawer in the nightstand. He retrieves a condom packet.  

It doesn't make sense, but I don't want him to wear one. I don't want anything between us. I need him to wash away every time Robin took me without my permission and, irrationally, I'm not sure I'd feel the same way if he did it with a condom on.

"I'm on the pill," I murmur. Sam freezes, and eyes me warily. "And they, um, tested me in the hospital. After... you know. I've never been with anyone else."

"I trust you, Rory," he replies simply. "And just so you know, I've never not worn a condom. Not once."

I nod. When he doesn't make a move, I grab the packet out of his hand and toss it to the floor. I see fire flash in his eyes and he's immediately back on top of me kissing me fervently.

He positions himself, and though I know it isn't true, part of me feels as if it's my first time. It is the first time I've ever invited this, the first time I've ever asked a man to take me this way, and it's a detail that is very meaningful to me. Sam pulls his face away just a few inches to meet my eyes, and I see a question in his gaze, he's asking my permission one more time. I give it wordlessly.

I love you.

I want to say the words, but I know I can't. I know I probably never will. I have no business even thinking them.

Sam watches me intently as he slowly enters me. I sigh at the instant jolt of pleasure, the incredible sensation of being filled by him. I was a little nervous that it would be painful. Sam is significantly better endowed than Robin, but I understand now it always hurt with Robin because that was what he wanted.

Sam continues to move forward and I realize that he still isn't even all the way inside me. He's holding back, afraid to push me too far too quickly. He's watching for my every reaction and I lift my hips to encourage him. Sam groans deep in his throat as he slides home. Figuratively, and somehow, also literally - because with him inside me, it feels as if this is where he is supposed to be.
Home.

With him fully sheathed inside me, he stops to allow me to acclimate to his welcome invasion. I'm panting, and even just coming off of my first ever orgasm, I'm desperate for him once again. He has this incredible way of igniting every ounce of desire and passion I might possess with only a look, and right now he's doing a hell of a lot more than looking at me.

"You okay, baby?" he asks huskily. I lift my hips again, needing more.

"
God,
yes, Sam. Please,
move
," I beg.

Sam tentatively rears back, and then surges once again. We moan together. It feels incredible. I never knew it could feel like this and I relish it. Being as connected to him physically as I feel emotionally. Even if I know it's mostly one sided, I do know he cares for me. And right now, I'll take what I can get from him. I know how screwed up I am and I know this is likely the closest I'll ever get to real love.

Sam begins a rhythm. It's gentle in some ways and yet completely possessive in others, and I tentatively begin to raise my hips to meet his thrusts. He kisses me fervently, passion emanating from everywhere we connect. I tighten my thighs around him. He's so deep, and I can't help but think I want to stay this way forever.

"You feel so fucking good, Ror. So tight, baby. Fucking
God,
" he says breathily, his voice sultry, laced with desire. His rhythm picks up and I can feel he's starting to lose his control. And that is exactly what I want. Sam as lost to me as I am to him.

I moan his name, my voice matching his, barely recognizable. My hands delve into his hair, tugging roughly. Vaguely I worry I might be hurting him, but I have little control over anything my body is doing right now. I have completely submitted to him and to my own body, which somehow knows exactly what to do.

I close my eyes and succumb to the sensations. To the grind of his hips against mine, to the feel of him filling me completely, of his mouth on mine, on the skin of my throat.

I feel his lips leave me, but the rest of him doesn't stop, and I revel in it.

"Look at me, baby," he whispers.

My eyes pop open and I'm looking into his beautiful midnight blues, hooded and glazed with lust, just barely inches from mine, our faces so close that our noses touch with each rock of our hips.

Robin never looked at me this way. His face was always buried in my neck or chest, and my eyes were always clenched shut, my mind elsewhere, focusing every effort on reliving some other memory, in some faraway time and place. Except for the last time when he intently watched every ounce of terror and helplessness etched on my face, seeming to relish it.  

But with Sam, I'm right here, right now, and I know he's right here with me, savoring this moment.

We're both practically gasping now, our breath mixing together, and it's incredibly intimate. With the emotion in his eyes, I allow myself to pretend that he could love me, too. That this is more than just sex to him. Because I know that I'm making love, and it's the first time I've ever done that.

My fingers clutch his back desperately, holding him down to me, needing to feel every bit of his weight pressing me into the mattress.

I never thought I could want this. Any aspect of it. Not after Robin.

But I more than want this. Him. I crave it, and I'm relishing every moment of it.

"You're so fucking beautiful, Rory," Sam breathes between his sexy groans and grunts... and muttered expletives. I feel waves of pleasure now with his every thrust, and I can barely form a coherent thought as I feel my climax building once again. "
Baby...
"

"Oh my
God
,
Sam.
" I'm going to come again. I need to. It's almost painful how badly I need to - but it's a good kind of pain, one that precedes only the most mind blowing pleasure. I moan his name, and make other carnal sounds I can't even describe, but I have no way of helping it. I'm lost to him in every way imaginable.

Sam kisses me again deeply, and I feel him shift, his hands sliding under my backside and lifting. The angle changes and he dives impossibly deeper inside me.

It's all I can take.

I cry out what is meant to be his name, but I'm sure sounds more like some animal's mating call as I explode around him, exponentially more intensely than before. My eyes flutter closed and my limbs tighten around him, holding him to me, in me, in a vise-like grip, my nails unconsciously raking his back. I scream, completely out of control of my body and voice as I ride each wave of insane pleasure, which seem to go on and on as time is somehow suspended.

"
Fuck! Rory,
" Sam groans, his voice a breathy rumble, as he thrusts just twice more, hard and fast into me, before following me into oblivion.

When I return back to earth, Sam is dead weight on top of me, both of us gasping for air. He nuzzles my shoulder softly as I trace the lines of his back, still loving the feel of him on top of me. I forcibly push down any feelings of embarrassment at my loss of control, at my shameless moans and other noises, and at the carnal scream of his name.  

Sam's hands slide under me, and he gently pulls out of me before rolling onto his back, taking me with him so that I lay on him like a blanket, my face tucked into the nook of his neck. I inhale deeply, loving the scent I've become so familiar with, now mixed with the smell of salt from the ocean and sweat. Sam strokes my back lightly with just the tips of his fingers, and I shiver as chills break out on my skin. His touch has an unfathomable effect on me.

"You alright, Ror?" he asks softly. I nod against his skin, eyes still closed, still half in another world - one of nothing but pleasure and love that only Sam can elicit in me.

"Mmmm," is all I can come up with.

Sam chuckles and kisses my hair. "Well, that makes two of us, baby," he says.

I sigh contently. "You've never called me that before."

"Called you what?" he asks. I lift my head just enough to look at him, not wanting to pull my body off of him any more than I have to - not sure if and when I'll have the opportunity to be so close to him again.

"
Baby
," I remind him. Sam's brow furrows, as if he hadn't even realized he'd said it, and he'd said it plenty.

"Hmm, I guess I did call you that. I don't know what you're doing to me, Ror, honestly I've never called a girl by a pet name in my life," he says with a chuckle.

"I liked it," I admit timidly. Sam grins and his hand is immediately on the back of my neck, pulling me down for a kiss. I sigh again.  

I scoot down and over just a little so that he doesn't have to bear all of my weight, laying half on his chest, our legs intertwined, and he continues running his fingertips up and down my back.  

I could stay like this forever.

The thought is bittersweet. I remind myself that this is all temporary. Because even if he could return my feelings, it wouldn't be right. What kind of person would I be if I allowed the man I loved to tie himself to such a broken mess?

All because of Robin.

I wish with all my heart that I could go back in time. That I could get back what Robin took from me. That Sam could have been my first.

All this time I had no idea that sex could be like that - so satisfying, both physically and emotionally. I wonder idly if Sam knows how significant this was for me. I
hate
Robin. I hate him with every fiber of my being.  

"Oh, baby, no," Sam whispers and his knuckles brush away the tear I didn't even know had fallen. "What's wrong?" He's beyond anxious, and I know he probably thinks I'm regretting what we just did.

I shake my head, I have no further explanation. "I'm fine," I mutter.

Sam rolls so that we're now side by side, facing one another. He slips an arm under my neck, and the other caresses my face, his thumb brushing away another rogue tear. My leg is still bent between his, and in this position, with our eyes level and barely inches apart, I know I can hide nothing from him.

"Please tell me what I did," he pleads.

My eyes widen in horror. He thinks he's done something to cause my tears, and I can't allow him to shoulder guilt when he deserves none of it. But how can I tell a man that I wish he was the one who had taken my virginity? How can I tell him that I want to erase all memories of Robin and replace the memory of my first time with today. Admittedly I don't know much about men, or at least about men other than the monster who broke me, but I'm quite sure that they generally freak out at the thought of the responsibility of taking a girl's virginity, even if only figuratively.

"Nothin', Sam. I mean it. It's just..." I trail off.

It's just
what?
It's just, do you mind if I pretend you were my first? Well, it's not as if he doesn't already know I'm crazy...

"It's not you, I was just thinkin' about Robin..." Sam blanches, and I realize that didn't come out right. "I mean... I was just thinkin' that this is what my first time should have been like, that's all," I explain as best I can. I can feel Sam's entire body relax beside me.

"Nothing he did was the way things should have been for you, Ror. I wish you never had to go through any of that," he says intently.

I nod.
Me too.

"I wish it could've been me," he adds more quietly, "you have no idea how much."

I blink at him.
"Really?"

Sam nods. "Really."

My brows pinch together. I am in awe of this man. "I didn't know guys like you existed."

He laughs. "It's not me, Ror. I told you, you're the one doing this to me. Trust me, normally just the
thought
of sleeping with a virgin..." he trails off with a dramatic shudder and I giggle. I nearly gasp when my eyes return to his and find them beyond sober. "I wish I could undo what he did."

"It was kind of a first for me," I say softly, still afraid of freaking him out, but as usual, inexplicably compelled to be honest with him. "I mean, you know,
consensually.
I've never... I..." I don't know how to explain it without revealing my feelings for him so I just trail off pathetically.

Sam presses his lips to mine quickly. "I know, baby," he says gently, and then his brow furrows as if he's considering something. "You know, if you want to consider this your first time, I'm okay with that," he says meaningfully, and I blink at him, astonished at his compassion for me and what I went through.

I kiss him.

I kiss him hard. His free hand holds my face to his and I can't believe how lucky I am to have him in my life, even if we end up just being friends, even if this "something more" can never really be what I wish it could be.