North Pole Reform School (9 page)

CHAPTER 13

Walking into the stables is insane.

There are reindeer. Everywhere. I don’t know what I expected
the reindeer stable to look like, but somehow seeing the reindeer makes it feel
real. Maybe because they are real animals that exist in our world too, unlike
elves and zombies and Christmas magic.

Each animal is in a pen of its own, and there is one large
pen in the middle that is full of baby reindeer.

“Don’t know about you, but I’m looking for Rudolph,” Luke
whispers in my ear.

“His nose only glows in the fog,” an elf says from behind
us. “Red light is better for penetrating fog particles, so he’s perfect for the
job. I’m Winter—I’m the reindeer handler.”

Luke and I shake his hand in turn.

“Have you ever worked with reindeer before?” Winter asks.

“What do you think?” Luke snaps.

“There aren’t exactly a lot of reindeer down south,” I say
quickly to compensate for Luke’s shortness.

And why am I suddenly calling it down south like the elves
do, instead of back home?

Winter nods kindly at me and glares at Luke.

“My little sister would love this. She’s totally obsessed
with horses and similar animals. At Christmas I think she gets more excited
about Santa’s reindeer than about Santa himself,” I tell him.

“They’re lovely animals,” Winter says. “They might take a
little time to warm up to you though. Here.” He produces a bunch of carrots and
hands them to me. “Go and feed them a carrot each, that always softens them
up.”

He picks up a shovel and holds it out to Luke. “You can
start in pen one.”

“What am I supposed to do with this?” Luke asks.

“Well, they might be lovely animals, but they don’t clean up
after themselves. There’s a wheelbarrow by the gate.”

“Ugh.” Luke groans and I can’t help but laugh.

“Don’t get too comfy, Mistletoe. You two can swap jobs
later.”

“Oh, I don’t mind staying on carrot-feeding duty.”

 “Yes, but Luke has to get to know them too.”

“I’m shovelling up their shit. I already know them more than
well enough, thank you very much.”

Winter hoists himself up onto one of the fences and swings
his legs as he watches us.

“That’s Prancer,” he says when the first reindeer takes a
carrot from me. I stroke his soft furry head gently while he chews the carrot.
When he’s done, he snuffles into my hand and licks it.

“He’s looking for more carrots,” Winter says. “Don’t give
him any though, Luke can in a minute. The reindeer always get overfed when the
reform groups are in.”

“You really do this every year?” I ask.

“Of course.”

“Does it work?”

“Define ‘work’.”

“Do people actually get reformed? Do people really end up
leaving here loving Christmas?”

“Look around you,” he says. “You can’t not love Christmas
after spending time here.”

“I beg to differ,” Luke mutters.

“Mistletoe, I was told your father came here?” Winter asks.

“So I hear.” I move on to the next reindeer.

“That’s Donner,” Winter says. “Surely your father is living
proof that this scheme works?”

I shrug as Donner takes his carrot. “If by living proof you
mean he’s a Christmas nut who works as a supermarket Santa and doesn’t see his
family until late Christmas Eve because he’s too busy working, then yes, I
guess he is.”

“That one’s Cupid,” Winter says when I get to the next
reindeer. “There, you have your answer. Clearly our reform scheme works.”

“He named me Mistletoe, for God’s sake. I don’t consider that
to be working.”

“But once upon a time, your dad hated Christmas. Then he
came here, and now he loves it. Magic, eh?” Winter winks at me.

I roll my eyes and pet Cupid on the head.

“Guess who that one is?” Winter asks when I hand the next
reindeer a carrot.

They’re nice animals, but to be honest, they all look the
same.

“That’s Rudolph.”

“Really?” I stand back and watch him chewing the carrot. I’m
disappointed that his nose isn’t glowing.

“I thought he’d have, like, a penthouse suite of his own or
something,” Luke says. “Isn’t he a bit of a diva? He is the most famous, after
all.”

“Reindeer pay no mind to media attention.” Winter seemingly
misses the fact Luke was joking. “Rudolph is no different to the other
reindeer, apart from a glowing nose of course, but he doesn’t get any
preferential treatment, and I’d appreciate it if you kept it that way.”

“Oh, and I was just about to ask for his autograph.”

“Reindeer can’t hold pens, Luke.”

I giggle. Even Luke cracks a smile.

He stands up and runs an arm over his sweaty forehead. “I
never thought I’d get too hot at the North Pole. This is hard work.”

“That’s why you’re here,” Winter says. “To learn just how
much hard work goes into making Christmas run smoothly so perhaps you’ll think
twice before you try to ruin it again.”

“People keep missing the point that no one
intentionally
ruined Christmas. It was an accident,” I
say.

“Yes, but I bet neither of you ever thought about the little
elves who do the menial jobs like cleaning out the reindeer stalls. All these
things contribute to Christmas going off without a hitch.”

“In all fairness, I didn’t think elves existed,” Luke
mutters.

“But now you know, maybe you’ll think of the elves and the
amount of work that goes into Christmas before you steal someone’s decorations again.”

“All I’ll be thinking of is what disgusting animals reindeer
are. Seriously, I’ve never smelt anything so revolting in all my life. And I’ve
sat next to Joe on the sofa, so that’s saying something.”

I can’t help but laugh at that. Winter doesn’t look
particularly impressed.

“How old are these reindeer?” I pet Rudolph’s head. “I mean,
we’ve been hearing these stories for, what, decades now? They don’t look that
old.”

“These are direct descendants of the original reindeer. We
can’t make reindeer immortal or anything. The average lifespan of a reindeer is
only ten to fifteen years. When they pass on, the sleigh-pulling duties are
handed down to their offspring. You can see the nursery in the middle here.”

“How old are these ones?”

“These little guys are only a few months old. The reindeer
get a bit, shall we say, excited after their Christmas Eve stint and come home
with only one thing on their minds. We have a lot of young reindeer by the next
Christmas.”

“I’m clearing up their shit,” Luke says. “I don’t want to
hear about their bloody mating habits. I’ve had enough of reindeer bodily
fluids for one day.”

I crouch down and pet the baby reindeer in the middle pen.
They’re much smaller than the adults. Their antlers aren’t fully developed yet
and still feel soft and velvety when they headbutt my hands.

“I think it’s time to swap jobs,” Winter says. “Luke, you
can play with the reindeer. Mistletoe, you can take over Luke’s job.”

I stand up, ready to clean the pens.

“Nah, it’s okay,” Luke says. “This is a man’s job. I’ll
carry on.”

“Luke, you don’t have to,” I protest.

“And I thought chivalry was dead,” Winter says.

“I can do it, Luke.”

He grins at me. “So you’ll owe me one. Go on, you like the
reindeer, and I couldn’t get any smellier or sweatier if I tried, so I may as
well get on with it.”

The rest of the afternoon is actually quite pleasant. I’ve
never been a fan of big, horsey-type animals, but the reindeer are actually
really nice. Winter shows me how to groom their coats and fill up the food and
water containers. Luke cleans out the stalls and even he doesn’t complain that
much.

When Winter dismisses us, Luke and I walk back to our digs
together.

“Thanks for doing that earlier,” I say to him. “The
shovelling out, I mean. I could’ve done it.”

“Yeah, but it’s not exactly the nicest job in the world. I
was already knee-deep in reindeer crap, there was no need for you to be as
well.”

“I wouldn’t have minded.”

He shrugs. “You liked the reindeer. I can’t say I’m overly
interested in feeding reindeer carrots, and I didn’t mind doing what I was
doing. At least it gave me time to think without bloody elves talking to me
constantly.”

“Yeah, they do go on a bit, don’t they?”

“I feel like I’ve had elves twittering on in my ear since we
got here.”

I nod.

“Besides, I owed you one for standing up for me at lunch.”

“Oh, forget it. I didn’t do anything.”

“You stood up for me,” he says. “People don’t do that very
often. I really appreciate it.”

“Luke, it’s nothing.”

“It’s just nice knowing I have someone on my side. I’m freaking
out here. I have no idea where the hell we are, and that git Joe is winding me
up something shocking. I hate being at home, but I just want to go back there.”

“Why do you hate—”

“And I stink.” Luke interrupts me before I can ask the
question. “I’m going to go for a shower before dinner, so I’ll catch you later,
okay?”

I nod as he darts into the building ahead of me.

Clearly he didn’t want to answer that question.

CHAPTER 14

Dinner that night is much the same as it has been
every other night. The elves on the piano inside the door kill a different song
each meal, and tonight it is “Wonderful Christmastime”, which they sing on
repeat while we’re eating, and we’re served mince pies with no option for apple
this time and mini gingerbread houses for dessert.

Luke stays close to me and far away from Joe as we trudge
through the snowy streets and back to our quarters.

Wenceslas is inside the building behind the desk, he looks
up and nods at us as we walk in. Once we’re all inside the common room, the
door automatically locks shut behind us.

“Do you think he ever moves?” I ask Luke.

“Doesn’t look like it,” Luke says. “Maybe he doesn’t.”

“If we could get out, I bet we could get past him,” Joe
adds. “He must sleep at some point.”

“But this door is locked.”

“If I can find something to use, I could try picking it,”
Luke says. “My mates and I have picked a couple of locks before now.”

“Wow, you’re a right little tearaway, aren’t you, Elf Boy?”

“Shut up,” Luke tells Joe.

“I don’t see the point in fighting them,” Emily says.
“Besides, they’re magic, aren’t they? Even if we break out, couldn’t they just
magic us back like the way they brought us here in the first place?”

“I think we have to try,” Luke says. “We can’t just lie down
and die here, we have to fight.”

“Who’s dying?” Hugo asks. “Am I already dead and you’re just
not telling me?”

“No one’s dead or dying, Hugo,” Emily tells him.

“It’s just an expression,” Luke says. “Lay down and die is a
way of saying giving up.”

“My parents died,” Hugo says.

“Yeah. Sorry, that wasn’t very thoughtful of me,” Luke says.

“Put your foot in it again, Elf Boy.” Joe laughs.

“Leave off, Joe, it’s getting old now,” I say.

“Yeah, you would say that, you’re as much one of them as he
is.”

“Shut up, Joe, no one is one of anything,” Luke says
angrily. “We’re all as human as you are, although personally I don’t see how
you can be called that.”

Joe snorts. “You’re one to talk.”

“Please stop fighting,” Emily says.

“Did anyone see anything today that could help us?” Luke
asks to change the subject. “Anything resembling a way out?”

“Nothing,” Joe mutters.

“Us neither,” Hugo says. “There wasn’t much of anything to
see.”

“Tinsel did say you could see one of the sides behind the
reindeer stables, but Mistletoe and I couldn’t find it.”

“Winter the stable elf was there the whole time and never
left us alone,” I add.

“Great,” Luke says. “So far we’ve got nothing. And none of
you saw, like, a lot of elves coming from any particular place?”

Everyone shakes their heads.

“Only the dining room after lunch,” Joe quips.

“What we need is to look around, a chance to explore,” Luke
says. “But we can’t do that because we have elves on our backs all the bloody
time.”

“How do we shake them off?”

“How about behaving?” Emily asks.

She rolls her eyes when everyone looks at her. “Seriously.
If we all put our heads down and behave ourselves, maybe they’ll start to trust
us and ease up on the constant surveillance a bit.”

“That… sounds viable,” Joe says.

“But I still think even if we do escape they can just magic
us right back here,” she adds.

“We won’t know unless we try,” Luke says.

Personally, I don’t know how Luke and Joe are going to stop
being at each other’s throats long enough to behave.

CHAPTER 15

Luke clearly doesn’t want to talk about anything
personal. He still sticks close to me, but the chatter is mostly moaning about
Tinsel and Navi having a go at him at dinner last night.

When our schedules are posted under the door that morning,
they’ve divided us up the same as the previous day.

Emily and Hugo are on reindeer duty, and Joe is on his own
with Mrs Claus. Poor woman, she doesn’t deserve that. I know Luke is still down
because he doesn’t even make a smartass comment about Joe being by himself
again.

Luke and I have got Elf and Safety for the morning and Maintenance
for the afternoon. Whatever they might be.

“I suppose that’s the elf version of Health and Safety,”
Luke says.

Everyone is a bit quiet at breakfast. We get a gingerbread
man and a candy cane, and the elves on the piano with a rousing rendition of “The
Christmas Song”. Luke makes a show of snapping the limbs off his gingerbread
man one by one.

Navidad directs us to the Elf and Safety building, tells us
that a poor workman always blames the giraffe in the bathtub and gives Luke a
pat on the shoulder as we trudge off through the snow. The building we come to
looks a bit like a school, and when we get inside, we discover it actually is a
school. Inside the main door is an elf, who takes one look at us and directs us
to classroom 2E at the end of the hall. We walk past other classrooms, and when
I peek in, I see that the other rooms are full of elf children sitting at desks
and listening to an elf teacher who stands at the front of the room.

This is really a school. Like the schools we have at home.
The only difference is that they’re all elves.

In a weird way, it makes it seem all the more surreal. This
school is just like human schools down south. The elves are just like normal
people. They have children, schools, and families. Tinsel and Navidad are married.
I wonder if they have any kids? Maybe they go to this school.

I’m jolted out of my thoughts when Luke raps sharply on the
door of classroom 2E.

“Come in!” a voice shouts.

We enter to find a bored-looking male elf sitting on top of
a desk in front of a classroom full of equally bored-looking elf teenagers.

“Hello,” the elf on the desk says. “I’m Elf Snow. You must
be Luke Wyatt and Mistletoe Bell. We’ve been expecting you.”

“Er, hi,” we mumble together.

“Class, these are two members of the latest reform group.
These are two people you absolutely don’t want to end up like.”

Oh, thanks a lot, I think.

“How kind of you to say that,” Luke says what I am too shy
to voice.

“Every year they send me these bloody reform groups. Never
punctual, none of you. The least you could do is be on time.”

“We don’t know our way around as well as you do,” Luke says.

“And whose fault is that?” Snow counters.

“These boots are sodding hard to walk in. They sink into the
snow and the toes get stuck. I don’t know how you manage it,” I say. I feel
more confident with Luke backing me up.

“Yeah, well, you bloody humans are the size of elephants.
You must weigh a tonne.”

“That’s not very nice,” Luke says.

“We elves are tiny and petite. We walk on top of the snow,
not sink into it. Besides, safe walking practices are one of the things you are
here to learn.”

Luke raises an eyebrow.

Elf Snow looks completely unperturbed. “Take a seat on the
end of the second row, please. And no talking to your elf classmates, I don’t
want you influencing them with your bad behaviour.”

“You’ve got a bloody nerve,” Luke growls. “You elves have
got the worst attitudes out of everyone I’ve ever met, apart from Joe, maybe.
You—”

Elf Snow pulls a candy-cane wand from his pocket and points
it at Luke. “Take a seat and be quiet or I will
make
you take a seat and be quiet for the rest of the day. Your choice.”

Luke growls and huffs, but we both shuffle over to the end
of the second row and take a seat away from the other elves.

I don’t know what they can do with those wands and I don’t
want to find out.

When Snow isn’t looking, I nudge my shoulder against Luke’s.
He looks at me with a smile and an eye roll.

“Now then,” Elf Snow says loudly. “As our latest additions
have so kindly turned up, let’s get on with it, shall we? Welcome to Elf and
Safety class. This is where you will learn the common-sense portion of being an
elf. Unfortunately common sense is nowhere near as common as you think it might
be, hence why I am stuck in a classroom teaching a bunch of kids who don’t want
to know and a pair of morons who hate Christmas.”

“Oi!”

“Don’t make me warn you again, Mr Wyatt.” Snow glares at
Luke.

“I hate this sodding elf,” Luke whispers in my ear.

“Elves have excellent hearing, Mr Wyatt.”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Luke mutters and slouches down in his
chair.

I know how he feels. This elf really doesn’t like us. All
the other elves we’ve met have at least been civilised. I think even Tinsel and
Navi have started to like us a bit.

All the elf teenagers in the class have turned to watch us,
and I feel my cheeks flush. I look straight ahead and try not to make any eye
contact. I don’t want to influence them with my bad behaviour, after all.

The class that follows is boring in an insane way. Snow sits
on the desk looking like he’d rather be piercing his ears with rusty nails and
explains everything in monotone, intricate detail. It’s all about the proper
way to do things so that the elves aren’t responsible if you get hurt. He tells
us not to run on the ice, not to try smashing the glass walls, not to encourage
the zombies, and not to stick our fingers into the machines at the toy-making
factory.

Thankfully it seems like a one-off class, and at the end we
all have to sign a statement that says we have understood everything Elf Snow has
just taught us, that we will heed it, and that the elves aren’t responsible if
we do something we have just been told we shouldn’t do.

Basically, if you fall over in the snow and break something,
you can’t sue the elves for it.

“He was a nasty bastard,” Luke says as we make our way from
the school to the dining hall for lunch.

“I hope we don’t have to see him again.”

“He really seemed to dislike me.”

“Not just you. He disliked me too, Luke.”

Luke shrugs. “They all seem to have a real thing against me.
I guess it’s because of this stuff they keep saying about my grandfather. Even
Santa himself said how disappointed he is to see someone with an elf in the
family here.”

“You think that’s why?”

“I don’t know. Maybe they just don’t like me. Not many
people do.”

“Navidad likes you. So do I. I think you’re very likeable.”

I blush as soon as I’ve said it. I’m never usually this
forward with boys. I’m never usually forward at all. But Luke smiles, and he
hasn’t had a very good morning, so I’m glad I can cheer him up.

“Do you really believe that about your grandfather?”

“What, that he’s an elf and he’s living here, even though he
died nine years ago?”

I nod.

“I don’t know what to believe. I guess I’ll believe it when
I see him. If they let me see him, that is.”

“They will. They have to. They can’t just tell you something
like that and then not let you.”

Luke shrugs.

At lunch—Yorkshire puddings with sugar and a candy cane on
the side—Tinsel is ecstatic that we’ve been to Elf and Safety class.

“Now I don’t feel so bad letting you walk around on your own
out there,” she says.

“We can walk around on our own now?” Luke perks up.

“Only if you behave yourselves.”

“What’s Elf and Safety?” Joe asks.

“Oh, it’s great, Joe.” Luke nudges me under the table. “It’s
taught by this really awesome elf called Snow. He just loves humans. He says he
loves our sense of humour.”

“Be sure to tell him your ‘red cube’ joke,” I add.

“Oh yes, definitely.” Luke grins. “Tell him more than once
even. And he really likes it when you answer him back.”

“He loves a bit of banter,” I say.

“And don’t forget to talk to the other elves in the class—he
totally encourages you to do that.”

“Sounds fun,” Joe says. “I thought Elf and Safety would be
bloody boring.”

“What’s everyone else got this afternoon?” Navi asks before
we can wind Joe up any more. He obviously knows what a fun and happy elf Snow
is.

“We’re doing the naughty and nice list,” Emily says,
sounding quite happy about it.

“One of my favourite parts of the job.” Tinsel smiles.

“And we’re on maintenance,” Luke says.

“One of my… less favourite parts of the job.”

“Great, that makes us feel better,” I mutter.

“You have to help with all the jobs, Mistletoe. Even the
less fun ones.”

“Seems like we get a lot of the less fun ones,” Luke says.
“I haven’t seen Joe shovel out reindeer shit yet.”

“Joe’s got reindeer duty this afternoon, haven’t you, Joe?”

“Yes, but no way in hell am I picking up shit for anyone.
Not even Rudolph,” Joe grumbles.

Tinsel ignores him.