North Pole Reform School (10 page)

CHAPTER 16

After lunch, Navidad tells Luke and me to follow
him. He leads us down a quiet street off the main road through the village, and
finally comes to a small building with a cellar door to the side of it where he
knocks three times.

“Maintenance! Can I help you?” is the response.

“It’s Navi,” he calls back. “Got two of the latest reform
group for you!”

“Oh brilliant, I’ve been waiting for a human all year! Send
’em in, Nav!”

Luke and I glance at each other in surprise.

Waiting for a human all year sounds a bit ominous. Maybe he
wants to eat us for supper.

“Why has he been waiting all year?” Luke asks.

“Just go on in, dear boy,” Navi tells him.

“Yeah, and why is this place so far off the road? This all
sounds a bit fishy if you ask me.”

“No one is asking you, Mistletoe. Just go on in, both of you.”

He yanks the door handle and it creaks threateningly as it
opens. Navi waits until we are both inside before he unceremoniously slams the
door shut from outside, leaving us on a stairwell in complete darkness. He
didn’t even tell us a bird in the hand is worth two bowls of cornflakes or
something.

“I don’t like this,” I mutter.

Luke reaches back until his hand takes hold of mine. “Stay
behind me and hold my hand.”

I think it’s sweet that he’s being protective and I grab his
hand. It’s warm and comforting in the cold dark of the stairwell as he leads us
slowly and carefully down the steps until we see a glow of light. We turn a
corner and to say it’s not what we were expecting would be an understatement.

We walk into a cavernous basement. Inside are four elves,
all dressed in white. Three of them are sitting on the floor, rolling up what
looks like rolls of silver star stickers.

One of them is standing, seemingly waiting for us.

“Oh, how fabulous.” He beams when he sees us. “Humans at
last. How lovely to meet you, my little cucumbers.” He comes over and shakes
both our hands vigorously. I realise that I’m not holding Luke’s hand anymore,
and I kind of wish I was.

“I’m Garland,” he says. “Now, are you two Emily and Hugo or
Luke and Mistletoe?”

“Luke and Mistletoe,” Luke answers for us.

“What lovely names,” he says. “And you’re a strapping lad.
Just what we need to fix that pesky tile on the roof.”

“What?” Luke asks.

“Has anyone explained the maintenance army to you?”

“Maintenance army?” Luke asks worriedly.

“Oh, those elves. They never tell anyone anything. Have a
seat and I’ll explain,” Garland says.

We both sit down on the floor near the other three elves and
they nod at us politely. It is rolls of star stickers they’re rolling up, and
when I look around, I realise that silver star stickers cover the dark walls
too.

“I must say it’s lovely to have new humans here,” Garland
says. “I’m so excited.”

“That’s not what most of your lot say,” Luke mutters.

“Ah, don’t you worry about them. I take it you’ve had Elf
and Safety recently.”

“This morning.”

“Yes, quite. Elf Snow is, um, certainly not the best versed
in people skills.”

“No kidding,” Luke mutters.

“Never mind him. You’re here now, that’s the important
part.”

“Where is ‘here’?” I ask.

“We’re the maintenance army. This is Icicle, Bauble, and
Cinnamon.”

The other three elves wave and nod politely.

“Our job is twofold,” Garland continues. “We inspect
everything here, from the food plates to the toy-making tools. We keep
everything in working order. You must have seen our stickers around and about
the place.”

One of the elves holds up a roll of star stickers, and I
realise I have seen them around. There’s one on my bed. It says ‘Inspected by
Icicle’.

Luke and I both nod.

“And of course the second part of our job is to fix things
that get broken. We keep things ticking over and sort out anything that goes
wrong.”

“Ahh, maintenance army,” Luke says when he falls in.

“Indeed, cucumber. And that’s where you come in. As I said,
I’ve been waiting for more humans all year. The problem with elves, as you may
have noticed, is that we’re quite short. It makes dealing with the larger
problems somewhat interesting.”

“Like what?”

“Well, there’s that pesky tile on the roof of the factory.
It’s been leaking since April, and we can’t manage it by ourselves. Icicle has
vertigo and Bauble is afraid of heights. That only leaves Cinnamon and me, and
we can’t get up there by ourselves. It’s a human’s job. The poor factory
workers have been walking around a bucket for months.”

“Do you not have ladders in the North Pole?”

“There’s a human ladder knocking about somewhere, but it’s
too dangerous for us elves to climb it. The rungs are too far apart.”

“Can’t you get the reindeer to fly you up there?” I ask him.

“Oh, no, cucumber. Santa Claus doesn’t allow elves to fly on
the reindeer.”

“Can’t you ask Santa?”

I’m surprised when the whole room bursts into laughter.

“Ask Santa?” Cinnamon splutters.

Garland looks at me like it’s the most ridiculous thing he’s
ever heard. “My dear, you don’t just ask Santa. This Santa is, hmm, shall we
say, not very… giving of his time to us elves.”

“What do you mean?” Luke asks.

“Have you met him?”

“We met him on the first night. He was quite civilised.”

“Civilised, yes. Friendly and helpful? Not so much.”

“Really?” I stare at him. “I thought Santa was supposed to
be the nicest bloke in the universe.”

“Clearly this one did not get that memo,” Bauble says.

“Between you and us, I don’t think this one likes elves very
much.”

“Imagine that,” Luke mutters.

“You all keep saying ‘this one’. How often do they change?
How long has this one been here?” I ask.

“This one is on his second year now,” Icicle says.

Garland carries on, “There are many reasons that they
change. Years pass and they die, or they screw up in a big way and get fired,
or they retire, or they just simply decide they don’t want to do it anymore and
hand in their notice, or their families back in the human world want them back.
It can be quite a demanding job as I’m sure you can imagine.”

“My dad is a store Santa,” I say. “That’s demanding enough.
I can’t imagine what the real one’s workload is like.”

“Oh, how lovely,” Garland says. “That must be one of the
best jobs in the world.”

“I could think of better,” I mutter.

“Where do you find a new Santa anyway?” Luke asks.

“We usually consult the N and N list.” Garland winks at him.

“Of course you do.”

“If this one is so horrible, can’t you get him fired?” I
ask.

“Oh, no, cucumber. He hasn’t committed any firing offences.
He’s just not particularly fond of elves. He hasn’t done anything wrong. In
fact, he did a mighty fine job of Christmas last year, especially after the
clusterfuck of the year before.”

“What happened the year before?”

“Well, let’s just say Santa had a row with Mrs Claus on
Christmas Eve and drowned his sorrows. He was arrested for driving under the
influence after he took the sleigh for a spin down a busy one-way street in
Ohio and crashed into a frozen lake. He nearly drowned more than his sorrows.”

Luke snorts and I can’t help but laugh.

“Oh no, cucumbers, it’s not funny. He and the reindeer were
lucky to escape with their lives. It’s a good thing they’re so accustomed to
the cold. It was actually quite the embarrassment. And most of the children in
Russia missed out on presents that year thanks to the time it took to get
sorted out. Needless to say, he was sacked immediately and replaced with this
one. Unfortunately.”

So, Santa isn’t very nice. We had suspected as much, but
it’s strange to hear an elf say it.

“As lovely as it is to sit and chat with you, my little
cucumbers,” Garland is saying. “And it is lovely. I do so enjoy having the
humans in. But Navi will have my guts for garters if I don’t get on with
things.”

“What do you want us to do?” Luke asks.

“We’ll be here until midnight if I get started on my list.
At least you’re not the only ones. What are the others in your group like?”

“Er…”

“Emily and Hugo are… okay, I guess,” I venture. “Joe, not so
much.”

“Yeah. Whatever the worst, nastiest, smelliest jobs you have
to do, leave them for Joe. He’ll be overjoyed,” Luke says.

Garland laughs. “You’re a man after my own heart, cucumber.
I believe that scrubbing out the factory toilets is on the list. Tinsel and
Navidad always encourage us to leave the worst jobs for the reform groups, but
that one can certainly be a part of Joe’s workday when he comes here.”

“Wait, Tinsel and Navidad are involved in this?”

“Of course. They are the bosses, after all.”

“What?”

“They run this whole operation. Did they not tell you that?”

I shake my head. “I thought they were just our minders.”

“They’re responsible for it all. The whole reform system is
their idea. They run the whole North Pole, really. Santa’s the boss, of course,
but Tinsel and Navi do all the hard work.”

“I didn’t know that,” Luke says.

The elves shrug like it’s no big deal, but it surprises me.
I had thought they were the elves who drew the short straw of being in charge
of us. I didn’t realise the whole scheme was their idea.

“How come you’re all dressed in white?” I ask. “Every other
elf we’ve seen has been in this red and green crap.” I wave my booted, jingling
foot around to prove my point.

“The maintenance army is an undercover operation,” Garland
explains. “The elves all know we exist, but they never talk about us. We try
not to let them see us repairing things. Hence the white—we’re trying to blend
in with the snow.”

“Even elves must understand that things get broken?”

“Yes, of course, but it’s unprofessional to allow them to
see us doing it if it can be at all avoided.”

Luke raises an eyebrow at me. “This has all got a bit
Men in Black
for me.”

“Men in white, cucumber.” Garland gestures to himself with
his hands and completely misses the joke.

He goes over to a desk in the corner and starts rifling
through files, then comes back with a list and runs his eyes down it.

“Ah, yes. Plenty of maintenance to be getting on with. Luke,
if you’ll come with me and we’ll see if we can’t get that factory roof sorted.
You don’t have a problem with heights, do you?”

Luke shrugs.

“Good,” Garland says. “Now let me just find a job for you,
Mistletoe… Hmm… Oh yes, that’s perfect. Just what we need a woman for. How are
your sewing skills?”

“Non-existent,” I tell him.

“Oh well, you can learn. Bauble will take you upstairs and
you’ll find a pile of outfits that need repairing. We elves don’t like to throw
things away, you see. Whenever something breaks, the elves bring it to us and
we repair it for them. But with their clothing, well, we’re only four men,
cucumber. Our skills with a needle and thread leave much to be desired.”

“So do mine.”

“You’ll pick it up easily enough. Maybe you’ll even go home
from here with a new skill.”

Personally, I think I’m more likely to go home from here
with a much greater hatred of all things Christmas than I had before.

Luke goes up the concrete staircase with Garland and the
other two, while Bauble leads me up into the house above the basement. He
directs me to sit in a big, comfy-looking armchair by the window, and then he
deposits a pile of elf clothes on my lap and a sewing box on the arm of the
chair next to me.

“What am I meant to do with these?”

“There’s darning instructions in the box,” he says.

I feel like an old woman who has stepped into the Dark Ages
as I thread my needle and start going through the clothes.

After a while, Bauble comes in and quietly places a mug of
steaming hot chocolate with mini marshmallows floating on top next to me.

I get into the swing of things with the needle and thread.
It’s not difficult work, and I haven’t even stabbed myself with the needle that
many times. I sip the hot chocolate and look out at the street. It’s snowing
lightly, the Christmas lights are on, a few elves are out walking, and in the
distance is the sound of the elf band playing “Carol of the Bells”.

I can see Luke and Garland up on the factory roof, and I
watch them for a while. Luke is really cute, even in his enforced elf suit with
the bells on the hat blowing around in the wind and threatening to hit him in
the eye. I giggle as I watch him bat it away for the thousandth time.

I am not big on boys. At home, they’re all silly and
immature, and I’m standoffish and cold to them. I don’t understand why my
friends fawn over the football captain in our school, or why they’re all
obsessed with who went on a date on Saturday night versus who sat at home
watching
The X Factor
with their parents and
little sister.

Garland laughs at something Luke has said on the roof. He is
doing something to the tile, and Luke is looking around while he waits. His
eyes cut this way, and I wave even though I’m not sure he can see me. He waves
back and a huge grin lights up his face.

I can’t help the matching one on mine.

Outside the dining hall that night, we smell Joe walking
towards us before we see him. He is covered in a nasty-looking brown substance.

“Ew. Joe, you stink!”

“Ewww.”

“Ew.”

“Sod off, the lot of you.”

“I see Joe’s been on reindeer duty.” Luke laughs.

“Couldn’t you have showered before dinner?” Navi asks him.

“Hah,” Joe says. “You make me do these horrible jobs, you
can bloody put up with the smell of me.”