NorthangerAlibiInterior (14 page)

New Leaf,
New Moon

“Okay, Mom. She’s right here,” Cassidy called through the door Jaden had just closed. A moment later, she opened it and waltzed in. “Yes, she looks fine. Yes, she’s awake. Yep, she wants to talk to you. Her eager hands are waving in front of her face, begging me for the phone.”

I rolled my eyes and pulled my hands out from under the covers. Mockingly, I begged for the phone. Cassidy smiled.

“Okay. Love you too. Buh-bye.” She handed over the cell and whispered, “Don’t blow it.”

Like I planned to. Give me some credit
.
“Hi, Mom!” My voice was as happy as I could make it.

“Wow. So you fainted, huh? Were you embarrassed? Tell me everything that happened.”

I didn’t faint.
“Look, Mom, it was no big deal, honest. Everyone else is freaking out, but I’m fine. Seriously. I could totally run the Boston Marathon tomorrow if I needed to.”
Okay, so not the Boston Marathon—well, not any marathon, actually, but that was beside the point.

“Really?” She didn’t sound convinced.

I sighed. “Yes, Mom, really. I didn’t eat much at lunch, and I guess I had forgotten to eat breakfast earlier, and Jaden and I were supposed to eat dinner at the game, so maybe once the heat hit me . . .” I trailed off, letting her fill in the pieces herself. “Anyway, I was stupid. I promise I’m not going to do it again.”

My mom paused a moment, obviously processing that information. She was really good at reading between the lines. I knew she knew I was embarrassed and didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. I also knew her main concern right then was the cause—and to make sure it didn’t happen again. I waited.

“You know, your dad and I really like Jaden. He seems like a great guy.”

They would.

“He did tell us you seemed overly tired. Aren’t you sleeping enough?”

I’m sleeping fine.
“I don’t know. Maybe.”

“What’s Jaden look like?”

“Mo–om. He’s not my boyfriend.”

“Yeah, but you almost went on a date with him. He sounds cute. Cassidy says he’s cute, Darlene says he’s cute, but I want to know what
you
think.”

He looks like a wolf to me. I’m not attracted to wolves.
“He’s cute, I guess. If you like guys who are tall, with dark hair, dark skin, and dark eyes, then he’s perfect.”

“Tall, dark, and mysterious?” She giggled.

I rolled my eyes again. “Mom, you read way too many books.”

She laughed. “Look who’s talking!”

I decided to ignore her. “I promise Jaden isn’t anyone special, okay?”
So, let’s just drop it.

“Oh, so you must like the other guy better, then? Cass was telling me all about him.”

“Cass?” I looked up and glared at her. She wasn’t paying attention. She had
New Moon
open on her bed and was already reading. “She was, huh?” I leaned over and thunked her bed with my hand. She waved back at me but kept reading. “Yeah, well, he’s nice. You’d like him.”

“Which reminds me.” Mom chuckled. “Since your father and I aren’t there to do the Dating Ritual, I told Darlene my backup plan, in case we were ever away from you girls and you went on dates.”

You’ve got to be kidding me.
“You have a backup plan?” I’d forgotten all about the Dating Ritual—my parents’ odd way of making sure guys were good enough to date their daughters. It was funny to watch my older sisters go through it, but me? That was a different story. All of a sudden, it didn’t seem funny anymore. I closed my eyes and rubbed my hand over my face. “So, what’s your backup plan?”

“Nope. It’s a surprise! You’ll just have to wait and see.”

I groaned.
Mom is
way
too excited about this.

“You know, missy, you should be very grateful that your parents love you enough to care about who you date.”

Love me? Sure, if love is like mortifying and harassing your date until he never comes back.
“I’m grateful,” I muttered. “Really grateful.”
Now, can I just go die somewhere, please?

Mom laughed again. “You know you’ll thank me when you’re older.”

“Why do you always say that?”

“Because it’s true! Now be a good girl for Darlene, okay?”

Sheesh. Nothing like making me feel like I’m ten.
“I am.”

“Promise me that you and Cassidy are helping around the house, too. Oh, and you let me know if your sister isn’t cleaning that room.”

I smiled evilly and looked around the place. It was pretty much clean. “We are helping. And yeah, she’s picking up after herself.” My sister looked up and gave me a confused look. “But I promise to tell you the second Cassidy messes things up.” She made a face at me and then started reading again.

“Okay.” Mom sighed. “Don’t forget to say your prayers. Miss you girls like crazy. Everything’s quiet over here.”

“Miss you too, Mom. And I promise to say my prayers. I love you. Tell Daddy I said hi.”

“I will. Love you too, honey. Good night.”

***

By Saturday, I’d almost forgiven Jaden—almost. At least, I’d forgotten to think about him and get angry again, which was just as good. Tony looked as cute as he could get in his coaching uniform when he picked me up to head to his YMCA soccer game.

“Are you ready to go?” He smiled at me from the living room. I’d just come down the stairs.

“Sure. Let me get my stuff.” I walked over to the hall closet and pulled out my super-cute pink baseball cap and tossed it over my long braid. I slipped my cell in my back pocket, then grabbed a few dollars and my lip gloss out of my purse. I shoved them in my front pocket and turned around. “Okay, ready. Let’s go.”

“Wait! Wait!” Darlene exclaimed as she huffed her way down the stairs, still in her lounge pants and comfy shirt.

“What’s wrong?” I paused on my way over to Tony. “Do you need me?”

“You?” Darlene laughed as she approached the bottom step. “Oh, no! I don’t need you. I need Tony.”

“Me?” Tony looked surprised. “Sure—uh, what can I help you with?”

Darlene grinned a Cheshire cat grin and said, “Just a sec,” before she turned around and hollered up the stairs, “Roger! Are you coming? These two need to go, so if you’re going to be here to watch this, then you’ve got to come now.”

What in the world is she—?
And then it hit me like a ton of bricks.
The Dating Ritual! Dang.
“Uh, look, Darlene. Tony and I are just friends.” I hurried over to her. “Honest. I’m sure my mom wouldn’t even consider this a date. I’m positive, actually. So, you really don’t have to worry about it.” I turned to Tony for support. He gave me a funny look. “Right, Tony?” I asked, nodding my head slightly in Darlene’s direction. “This isn’t a
date
, right?”

“Uh . . .” Obviously, he wasn’t sure what his script was. I saw that panicked look in his eyes, and I knew it meant trouble. He improvised. “Some people may call going and watching a game a date, but I . . . uh . . .” He glanced back at me. “I don’t?”

I smiled. “Of course you don’t!” Turning back to Darlene, I gushed, “See, everything’s fine! Thanks so much for thinking of us. We’re going to go.” I stepped up to her and gave her a hug. “You’re the best.”

Just as I was making my escape, Roger came pounding down the stairs. “Okay, I’m here. Go ahead—you can do it now.” He looked so excited, you’d have thought it was Christmas.

“Well, I’m sorry, Claire,” Darlene was saying. “I still consider this a date, and your mom did say . . .”

That’s it. I’m so going to kill my mom.

“So, Tony, if you’d come here, please?” Darlene was all giddiness.

“Sure.” Tony gave me a confused look as he made his way over to her. Roger was standing right next to Darlene and even reached out to give Tony a friendly pat on the shoulder.

The poor guy. What are they going to do to him?

It was like watching a wreck. You want to look away, but you can’t. Instead, you stare in horror.

Darlene began her speech. I could tell she’d been practicing.

“So, Tony. I don’t know if Claire’s told you, but her family puts all their daughters’ dates through sort of a test to see if they can date them, you know? They call it a Dating Ritual. And since Claire’s mom isn’t around, she asked me to fill in for her.”

“Okay.” Tony looked a little scared. “So, uh, you’re going to make me do something?”

Darlene laughed. “Yep. Stand right next to me.” Tony took a few steps forward and stopped about three feet from her. “Nope. A little closer than that.” She motioned forward again, and Roger snorted with laughter.

We all looked over at his outburst. Darlene dug him in the ribs with her elbow and pasted a smile on her face. “Come here, Tony. Stand right here.”

With a wary glance in my direction, Tony took another step toward her and stopped. “Is this good?”

What in the heck did my mom tell her to do?

All at once, Darlene’s hand snaked out and grabbed Tony by the ear. She pulled him right up to her mouth and whispered loudly enough for all of us to hear, “Claire was a virgin when she left this house, and by golly she’ll be a virgin when she comes home. You got that?”

WHAT?
“No!” I squeaked before covering my mouth and turning every color on the palette.
Why me? Why me? Why me?

Roger burst into large guffaws, and Darlene giggled girlishly. I’d never seen anyone look as truly shocked or as mortified as Tony, but of course, I didn’t have a mirror. He stammered and nodded while trying to disengage himself from Darlene’s grasp. “Y–y–yes, Mrs. Hadley! I promise not to touch her!”

I hate my family. I hate my family’s friends. Seriously, life is not meant to be this hard. Poor Tony, too. He’d never even kissed a girl. Now, Jaden I could understand, but Tony?

Roger laughed all the louder. Darlene smothered a small chuckle herself and finally released Tony, saying simply, “Okay then, you two run along and have a great time. Let us know who wins.” She waved a happy little hand at us.

Tony wasted no time. He refused to even look at me as he turned around, his face bright red. He grabbed my hand and maneuvered us out the door and down the steps in two seconds flat.

The car ride was a bit uncomfortable as well. I could tell he was still mortified, especially when he asked, “So, um, does that mean your mom thinks—I mean, did she make Darlene do that because they all think I’d—?”

“No! Honestly.”
Oh my gosh.
I turned around and faced him. “Um, I’m sorry. I had no idea what they were going to do. They do randomly weird, embarrassing things to all the guys. You have to believe me—I’m just as freaked out as you are. Except, I mean, I
did
know my family was crazy, so maybe you
are
more freaked out than I am.”

“I can believe your family is crazy.” Tony glanced over at me. I could see he was trying not to laugh.

I smiled. “Actually, you may have gotten off easier than what my mom and dad would have done to you. Darlene’s not quite as good as my mom. She would’ve probably scared the living daylights—”

“Oh, don’t get me wrong. I’m scared. Really scared. Believe me, that . . . uh . . . is a very effective Dating Ritual thingy. At least, I don’t think you’ll have any problems with, uh . . .” His face grew bright red, and so did mine. He jerked his attention back to the road.

I decided to change the subject, but my mind went blank. All I could think about was that stupid virgin threat.
Okay, think of something. Anything.
I cleared my throat. “So, your game. How old are the kids on the team?”

Tony smiled, looking relieved. “They’re mostly six and seven.”

“Six and seven? Oh my gosh. How cute is that? You coach first graders?”

Tony nodded his head and chuckled. “They’re really cool, too. Some of those little guys can run almost as fast as me.”

Aw.
I could just picture him running on the field with them. From his expression, I could tell he really loved coaching them. “So, what’s your team’s name?”

Tony glanced down and shook his head. “I didn’t come up with it, believe me. The whole team had a say, and I got outvoted.” He laughed. “We’re the Bumble Bees.”