Not Looking for Love: Episode 6 (A New Adult Contemporary Romance Novel) (21 page)

Maybe she's right. Maybe we can solve this together. I sure as fuck didn't do a very good job on my own.

I get a flight out Sunday morning, paid a fortune, but I would've paid more to get a Saturday one instead. But I missed that one. If only I'd called Scott sooner.
 

I'm all nerves as I pack, the tingling inside me making my hands shake and sending the room spinning each time I turn too fast.

What am I even thinking?
 

I know I should sit down, relax, think this over. But all I really see when I try are Scott's eyes, his smile, and I already feel his arms around me. The same nervous drive as the one when I tracked him down in Alaska has a hold on me. That didn't end well, all things considered. This could end worse.
 

Maybe I should just stay here, forget the whole thing. Deal with it when I go back to the states in August.

But I'm not fooling anyone, least of all myself. I can't wait to see Scott again. I literally want to go to the airport right now and just wait for my flight there.

He didn't cheat on me. He didn't leave me because he didn’t love me. He left to protect me.
 

Those are the words looping in my mind. But I knew it all already. Deep down. It's probably why I couldn't let go of hope that we'll be together again. Hope that he'll call. Which he didn’t? Because he thought he'd handle it all himself. And destroy us both in the process.

I call him back at nine, holding my breath, my body so taut I'm shaking. I don't know what I'll do if he doesn’t pick up. Snap probably.

"My flight gets in at one PM," I inform him as soon as he answers, the tension leaving my body like air from a balloon.

"Where are you anyway?" He asks.

"Venice…Italy."

"Are you sure you want to do this, Gail?" he asks, calmly and quietly like he's been thinking a lot about it.

"Yes," I say. "I wouldn't just spend $2000 on a plane ticket if I wasn't sure." For one thing. But there's other, better, nicer reasons why I'm sure. Like falling asleep with my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. Or his lips pressed against mine, his tongue playing with my own. His hard cock throbbing inside me. I'm twitching in anticipation, and I still have more than 24 hours before I get to see him. I don't know if I'll make it.

"Don't go home when you come here," he says. "Get a hotel room. Make up a name and pay cash."

A trickle of fear slides in past my desire. He sounds like we're in some movie, and I want to laugh it off. Would if the memory of being chained to an old rusty pipe waiting to die wasn't still very clear in my mind.

"Are you sure it's as bad as that?" I ask, my voice sounding way to strangled.
 

"It's worse, Gail," he whispers. "You really shouldn't be coming at all. We shouldn't be talking."

It's the defeat in his voice that sends my heart racing now, the room spinning around me. I feel like I'm losing him all over again, over and over, and it's like I'm drowning, can't take a breath.

"I'm coming and we're meeting," I say firmly and the water disappears. "I can handle this."

"Well, if you're sure," he says, and I don't know whether he's being sarcastic or serious. Probably both. It's how he is.

"Scott, I don't want to live without you," I say, but the words are spoken by some other Gail. The sane and collected one, even though they sound pretty naive.

He takes a shuddering breath, and I can just see him messing up his hair with his hand. It's what he does when he's nervous. "Shit, Gail, don't talk like that."

"It's how I feel," I retort.

"I'd tell you I feel the same way," he says, "But I really don't want to encourage you."

"Don't mock me," I snap.
 

"Sorry," he says. "But just the thought of something happening to you makes me sick."

"I understand, Scott, but it'll be fine." There's no other way. It has to be fine. No other option.

"OK, but we meet somewhere public, like the middle of the Brooklyn Bridge. At night. Say ten, or ten thirty."

"Alright." He sounds like some movie character again, but also like he's thought this through a lot. I'm already dreading those hours of waiting.

"Maybe you should get some sleep now," he says, "It's like what, midnight there now?"
 

"No, ten," I say, checking my watch. "And I'm not ready to let you go yet," I finish with a smile.

"Careful, or you'll spend another two grand on this phone call."

"That ship has already sailed," I retort. "But it's worth it, I like listening to your voice."

Which makes him laugh, and I'm pretty sure it's to cover up some scathing comment, but I would welcome that too right now. Anything, just so we don't have to stop talking. Which we don't. Until it’s well past midnight, and we're both just breathing into the phone.
 

"Until tomorrow then," I say when it becomes clear we should start acting sane again and hang up.

"Yeah," he says and leaves it at that. Though I know he wants to warn me some more. But he doesn't and I'm grateful for it.

All the fear and panic faded from my mind while me and Gail talked. But it all comes back like a fucking tornado the second she hangs up. What if I can't make it work? What if Mike finds out? Fucking stabs her right there on the bridge.
 

I've had a raging hard on all through our conversation and it's still not going away now. I might have to jack off soon, and now I can actually think about Gail as I do. Can allow it.

My other phone rings in the living room, ripping right through the start of what would have been one hell of a fantasy. It's Mike. My cock deflates in an instant, all the soft fuzziness replaced by a sinking, nauseating ball of anger and hate, fear and panic.

But he can't know. There's no way.

"What you up to tonight?" he asks like we're the best of friends.

"I don't know. Gym, maybe a movie," I manage to squeeze out past my fear.
 

"Wanna do something?" he asks.

"No." I've been avoiding him, not spending any more time with him than I absolutely have to, but somehow he keeps asking like he hasn't noticed.

"Why are you being like this Scott?" he asks, and the room turns dark before my eyes.
 

"Why? Why the fuck do you think, Mike?" I yell. Which is probably a mistake, I should be appeasing him now more than ever. Playing his game.
 

"Still pissed about that then?" he asks and I swear he's smiling. "Think you'll let it go anytime soon?"

"Didn't think so," he says when I don't answer. "It's not why I'm calling anyway."
 

And there go the last shreds of hope that tonight might finally be the night he retracts his threat.
 

"I want in on whatever Vlado has you doing," he elaborates.

"He doesn't want that," I say, kind of enjoying being the bearer of bad news. Not that those two psychos don't deserve each other.

"I messed up a little. I want to prove myself to him," Mike says. "So just tell me what the job is."

"Can't do that," I murmur.
 

"I'd hate to threaten you some more," he says, and my blood freezes in my veins.
 

"Then fucking don't," I manage anyway, without letting any of the fear blinding me now get through.
 

Between Mike and Vlado, Gail and me have no chance, and that knowledge is hitting me now like this whole building is collapsing down on me. But it's too late now, she's coming, and she deserves for me to let her down easy. Explain the gravity of it all, so she'll finally understand that she needs to move on without me. Because I can't get out of this life.

"Fine, whatever," Mike says, catching me off guard. I was so sure he'd bring Gail into it. "I'll sort this out on my own. Can't risk you running to Vlado with your little problem."

He hangs up without saying anything more. My mind is racing at a million miles per second now. Was mentioning me going to Vlado a slip, or a trap? Knowing Mike it was the latter, especially since he probably believes I'm stupid enough to fall for it. And Mike doesn't really say things idly. Never had. Everything is always calculated to the last syllable with him.

An hour later, I've pretty much convinced myself he only called as a way to covertly let me know that he knows Gail is coming. Even as I'm making sure Amber is free to come over tomorrow night, and letting Greg know I'll be busy, that thought gnaws at all the plans I'm making.
 

I should tell Gail to wear a wig or something. But I don't want to spook her too much. She wants to come, and I want to see her. Even though I'm fully aware that's how all the gruesome tragedies get set in motion. And this one isn't exactly gonna blindside anyone.

Surprisingly enough I get to sleep almost immediately after hanging up with Scott. And I sleep better than I remember sleeping in a long time. Or maybe it's not all that surprising. A huge chunk of my heart, my mind's been missing since the night Scott left me, and I'm about to get it back.
 

On the way to the airport the next morning, I debate calling Leo to let him know I'm leaving. But it's only a few minutes past seven, and there's no reason I should wake him for this. I can just as easily call from the States. The thought of leaving Leo and abandoning the summer school program leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, but I don't dwell on it. I'll never be whole and complete without Scott, and I'm done pretending I might.