Not Meant To Be Broken (12 page)

“Yeah, because I think I’m falling for you too.”

My heart exploded with joy. I bit my lip, unsure of what to do now. Zach’s eyes flitted toward my lips, but he made no move to kiss me. I knelt on the bench and eased closer to Zach. He froze, his eyes never leaving my face. My knees bumped his thigh, his heat radiating through our clothes. I rested my hand on his shoulder, felt the muscles flex under my touch. Slowly I leaned closer and touched my lips to his in a feather-light kiss. Nerves fluttered in my stomach. I couldn’t believe I was actually doing this. I braced myself for an onslaught of bad memories, but none came. There was only the softness of Zach’s lips, his warmth, his scent. I pressed my other palm against his chest, feeling the steady beating of his heart. His hand, which had rested on the armrest, touched my waist very lightly. I jumped and Zach pulled back immediately. “Too much?”

I snatched up his hand and put it back to the same spot on my waist. “No, it’s okay. I was only surprised.”

I wasn’t sure anymore what was too much. Zach made me believe that maybe I could break down every single wall that I’d built around myself after the incident. Walls that had seemed impenetrable, walls that had dominated my life for years, that had isolated me to the point of utter loneliness and despair seemed suddenly conquerable.

I didn’t try to deepen the kiss, neither did Zach, though he probably wanted to. Eventually, I sat back on my haunches. “So,” he said, a smile slowly building on his face.

“So.”

“Does that mean we…” He trailed off.

I thought of yesterday, of Brittany in only a towel, of what she and Zach must have been doing before she walked into the living room. “No.”

His expression fell. “Because of yesterday.”

“That too,” I admitted. “But this isn’t a definite no. I just think we need to discuss a few things before we take this any further.” Heat rushed into my cheeks. I couldn’t believe I’d managed to say the words. I felt in control of my fate for maybe the first time in three years.

Zach nodded, relaxing under my touch, and I realized my hands were still on his chest and shoulder. I dropped them and folded them in my lap. “So you’re giving me a second chance?”

“You never got a first chance to begin with,” I said teasingly. Was this how normal girls my age felt?

He grinned, and warmth filled my stomach. I wanted to kiss him again, but that would contradict what I’d just suggested. “How about we go on a date?” he asked. “Tonight?”

I nodded. I couldn’t believe that going on a date was actually part of my reality now.

Zach

“Tonight,” she agreed. There was a hint of uncertainty on her face. “But I still think we need to talk about things before we go out.”

“Okay, let’s do it then.” Another gust of wind blasted over us and Amber shivered. Normally, I’d have wrapped my arms around her to keep her warm, but I didn’t want to overwhelm her. “Do you want to go inside?”

“No.” She shook her head. “Brian might be home by now and he’ll complicate things.”

I grimaced. I’d forgotten about Brian. He’d be royally pissed if he found out I was going on a date with Amber, and even more pissed when he found out I wanted to take things further with her. “He’ll try to stop us from going out.”

Amber sighed. “I know. But this is my life. I can’t live in a cocoon forever.”

“Brian won’t like it.”

“Oh, he definitely won’t like it, but he’ll deal.” Amber gave a delicate shrug. “So let’s talk.”

I felt oddly nervous. “Brian probably told you that I don’t have a great track record with relationships.”

“He did. So what about Brittany? What’s going on between you two?”

“Nothing.” Amber looked doubtful. “We’ve been seeing each other for about one year, but it’s been only physical. And it wasn’t exclusive, we both saw other people.”

She stared down at her hands. “So it was about sex?”

“Yeah.” I was actually embarrassed. When Amber said it like that, it made me sound like an asshole, which I probably was. “I never found someone I wanted to be serious about.”

“You know I can’t give you what those women did. I want a relationship. I want something that’s meaningful.”

“I want the same,” I said. Reagan had been right. If I didn’t want to be like my father, I’d have to choose a different path. Not the one I’d been treading so far. I’d never liked a girl like I did Amber. But I couldn’t lie to Amber. “I don’t know how good I’ll be at this relationship thing. It’s new for me.”

Amber smiled. “I can’t promise either. It’s new for me as well. I’ve never had a boyfriend.” She swallowed. “Before the incident, I liked a guy but I never got the chance to be with him.”

Anger surged through me when I thought of what had happened to her, but I pushed it aside. “I really want to try.”

“Me too. That’s all we can do. Try.” She searched my face. “You know physical closeness is hard for me. I can’t promise that I’ll ever be ready to sleep with you.” She swallowed. “I don’t even know if I’ll ever be ready to do more than kissing.” Embarrassment twisted her expression.

I didn’t like the thought of never doing more than kissing Amber, but I couldn’t tell her that. “I know. We just have to take our relationship one step at a time.”

“That sounds good. But are you sure you are willing to wait for me to be ready. What about your…” I could tell she was searching for the right wording. “needs or urges?”

I burst out laughing. Amber flushed. “Sorry, but that sounds like I’m some kind of animal who can’t control his urges.”

Something shifted in Amber’s face and my gut tightened in horror. The men who’d raped Amber had been like animals. No worse. Monsters. “Amber. I’m—”

She held up a hand and I shut up. Her chin wobbled as if she was about to lose it. “You’re right. You aren’t an animal. But you have needs.”

“Don’t worry about my needs. I can take care of them.” She frowned. “You know? His right hand is a man’s best friend?” I winked.

Amber choked on a laugh. “Oh, okay. Right. I didn’t think of that. But will that be enough?”

I carefully closed my hand around hers. “Don’t worry. I can handle it.” I was on the verge of laughter again, but I fought it back. “You have to promise that you’ll always tell me when something is too much for you. I don’t want to pressure you.”

She nodded. “I promise. So what are we going to do for our first date tonight?”

“How about watching a movie?”

“I haven’t been in a movie theater in years.” Since the rape, that’s what she didn’t say.

“We can do something else.”

She squeezed my hand. “No, I’d love to watch a movie.”

I couldn’t believe Amber agreed to go out with me after everything Brian had told her, after what she’d witnessed yesterday. I wanted this to work out. I wouldn’t mess up.

Amber

I’d been staring at the display of clothes in my wardrobe for almost thirty minutes and I still wasn’t sure what to wear to the date. I wanted to look nice for Zach. Unfortunately, the majority of clothes I owned were meant to hide my body and make me as inconspicuous as possible. A door fell shut in the apartment and someone stomped past my room. Brian. The way his steps sounded his time with Lauren hadn’t gone too well. He still hadn’t even told me about his girlfriend. I really hoped he wouldn’t make a scene when he found out Zach and I were going out tonight.

I still couldn’t believe that Zach and I wanted to try a relationship. Zach wasn’t perfect, but neither was I. Maybe this was bound to end horribly, but I had to give it a try. Nerves twisted my stomach. I focused on the task at hand and picked out black – not-quite skinny but tighter than my usual style – jeans and a purple tank top I hadn’t ever worn before. I’d bought it online because I loved the color and then I’d never felt comfortable wearing it because it hugged my body in all the places I wanted to hide. I brushed out my hair, put on a light touch of make up and slipped on ballet flats, then I checked my reflection in the floor length mirror attached to the door. It was actually the first time I’d used it.

Taking a deep breath, I left my room and headed toward the living room. Zach was already there. He wore dark jeans and a nice white shirt. He’d rolled up the sleeves, revealing strong forearms and tanned skin. He turned his head and caught me staring. His eyes roamed over me. I wished I knew what he was thinking. “You look beautiful,” he said.

Trying to hide my nervousness, I strode toward him. He held out his hand, palm upward. Without hesitation, I put my hand in his. How could something as simple as holding hands feel so right? I wasn’t sure what it was about Zach that made this possible. I was just glad that he gave me the chance to explore a normal life. Music was blasting from Brian’s room. At least, he wouldn’t try to stop us.

***

We arrived in the parking lot of the movie theater. We’d been holding hands all through the ride and I missed his touch when we let go of each other to get out of the car. The parking lot was crowded with people, mostly our age from what I could see. So many people. I hesitated beside the car. Zach held out his hand and I took it, glad for his presence. I clutched his hand as we approached the movie theater. The inside was brightly illuminated and it was even more crowded than the parking lot. As we entered, noises washed over me. Laughter and conversation. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been surrounded by so many people.

“Do you want popcorn or something else?”

My eyes darted toward the counter. “Popcorn sounds great.” We joined the long line waiting for their turn. A group of high school boys got in line behind us, tall and loud. One of them bumped into me and panic surged through me. I pressed against Zach, seeking his protection.

He shoved the guy back. “Watch it,” he snarled. The boy’s eyes widened, then he exchanged a look with his friends that made it obvious he thought Zach was overreacting, but they all backed a few steps away, giving me more room. Zach was impressive really.

He gazed down at me and whispered, “Are you okay? We can leave if you want.”

“No,” I said. “I’m fine.”

He wrapped an arm around my shoulder protectively. “Too much?”

I smiled. “No.”

In Zach’s arms, the people and the noise weren’t half as scary. His scent and warmth enveloped me in a cocoon of safety. We got our popcorn and then we headed for our seats. The seats beside ours were both occupied, and both with men. Swallowing my rising panic, I sank down. I scooted as close to Zach as possible and he slung his arm around me. His expression was worried as he scanned my face. I forced a smile and eased my head down on his shoulder. The lights went down and the commercials started. Zach rested the popcorn on his lap and our hands kept brushing and every time a small shiver ran through me. Even though I was snuggled up against him and his arm was around my shoulder, those occasional touches felt intimate and thrilling. They stirred something in my belly, made me wonder how his touch would feel in other places, but I had a long way to go before that was an option.

***

After the movie, Zach and I returned to our car and drove home. “I didn’t even think how crowded the movie theater would be,” he said after a while. “Sorry.”

“No. I really enjoyed it.”

“You did?” He threw me a doubtful look.

“I enjoyed having your arm around me,” I admitted.

Zach grinned. “Good, because I like putting my arm around you.”

A message flashed on my mobile when we got out of the car behind our building. It was from Brian and said:
Where are you???

“Brian?” Zach guessed as we walked up to the front door of our apartment building.

“He wants to know where I am.”

“He’ll know soon enough,” Zach said. We stepped into the elevator and I smiled worriedly. “Maybe we should pretend we met in the hallway.”

Zach laughed. “You want to lie to Brian about us?”

“It’s just one date.”

Zach frowned. “I don’t want this to be our last date.”

“Neither do I.”

“So if we decide to give this dating thing a chance, we need to tell your brother.”

I sighed and slumped against the elevator wall. “You’re right. So are we dating now?” The question made me oddly nervous.

Zach twisted closer. Was he going to kiss me? I bit my lip. He towered a head over me and we were in a narrow space and this time I wasn’t the one in control, could I handle that? Zach stopped and only took my hand. Had he seen the doubt on my face? “We’re dating,” he said. A huge weight lifted off my chest. I stood on my tiptoes, curled my hand around Zach’s neck and pulled his face toward me, then brushed his lips with mine. The contact sent a thrill through my body. I wondered how it would be to deepen the kiss, but the elevator wasn’t the place for that. I was already surprised that I had kissed him at all. The elevator doors slid open and we stepped out. When we entered the apartment, Brian was sitting on the sofa. His eyes darted to our linked hands, then from Zach to me. He jerked up. This was going to end badly.

Zach

Brian looked as if he wanted to kill me. I squeezed Amber’s hand. “Maybe you should go into your room.”

Brian came around the sofa, straight for me. I never took my eyes off him. I’d done nothing wrong, no matter how much he wanted me to feel that way. “Brian,” Amber said in a warning tone. “This is what I want. Don’t give Zach trouble.”

“You don’t even know what
this
is. You’ve got no clue what you’re getting yourself into,” Brian muttered. He treated her as if she was a stupid kid.

Amber narrowed her eyes. “How can you say that? I want a normal life. I want a boyfriend. I want experience, closeness and love.” She snapped her mouth shut, looking embarrassed.

Love, huh? I forced my face to remain passive. I couldn’t let Amber see how the mere mentioning of love had shocked me, but Brian must have seen something in my expression. I knew she hadn’t meant that she loved me, but still I couldn’t help but be worried. The word love referred to a sort of commitment I’d never taken into consideration. Love had ruined my mother.

“I only want to talk to Zach,” Brian said.

“Talk?” Amber looked doubtful, so probably did I. Brian wanted to kick my fucking ass. “I don’t think that’s a good—” The ringing of her phone interrupted her. She stared down at the screen, then replied. “It’s Reagan. She’s at Kevin’s and wants to talk.” A knock sounded.

Amber let go of my hand and opened the door. “Where you waiting in front of the door or how did you get here so fast?”

Reagan smiled, but her eyes darted between Brian and me. It was probably obvious that we were about to start arguing. She took Amber’s arm and pulled her away. “Let the boys deal with their testosterone.” Both girls disappeared in the kitchen.

Brian waited for the door to close before he spoke, “What’s going on here?” I could tell how much it cost him to talk calmly.

“Amber and I went on a date.”

“A date?” Brian clenched his jaw.

“We want to give it a try.”

“What a try?”

“A relationship?”

Brian snorted. “You’ve got to be kidding.” He kept his voice low. “Amber isn’t ready for a relationship. You can’t just use her as your guinea pig to see if you’re capable of not sleeping around.”

“She’s not my guinea pig. Your sister and I discussed this. We both want to try it.”

Brian shook his head. “Damn it! Why couldn’t you have listened to me?” Suddenly he didn’t look angry anymore. He sank down on the armrest of the sofa.

I put a hand on his shoulder but he shook it off. “Listen, man, I’d never do anything that would hurt your sister. I really care about her,” I said, trying to be the voice of reason.

“Maybe not on purpose, Zach. But you are a womanizer. I doubt you can keep your dick in your pants for more than a couple of weeks.”

I clenched my fists. “Amber and I will make this work. Will you help me not messing up or will you stand by and keep glowering at me like I’m the second coming of Satan?”

Brian stood. He was a few inches shorter than me but somehow he managed to get us nose to nose. “For some reason, Amber wants to give you a chance. I haven’t seen her this happy since those bastards raped her. I won’t try to interfere because Amber would be angry if I did, but if you mess this up, if you hurt her, if you break her heart, our friendship is over. I’ll move out and never talk to you again, so you’d better not fuck up. Understood?”

I felt a twinge of worry. A lot was on the line. I could lose not only Amber but also Brian if I messed up. And so far my life had been a series of mess-ups. “Understood,” I said simply.

Amber

Reagan and I stepped into the kitchen, and she sat down at the table but I stayed close to the door to listen to Brian and Zach’s conversation. If they started shouting, I’d have to get between them. “So you and Zach went on a date?”

I’d sent Reagan a text earlier. I nodded.

“Tell me everything.” She pulled out the chair beside her. “And please sit down. Your brother isn’t going to kill Zach.”

“I’m not so sure.”

“Zach’s got about 50 pounds of muscle on your brother. There’s no way in hell Brian could beat Zach in a fight.”

“Is that supposed to calm me?”

Reagan patted the chair and I plopped into it. “So how was it?”

“It was nice.”

“Nice? Did you kiss?”

“Yeah, but…” My cheeks flamed. “Not really, you know?”

“So no tongue?”

I wished I could be as open about these things as Reagan. “I wanted to, but I was worried it would be too much. Or that Zach would want more if we really kissed.”

“Zach knows about your past. He wouldn’t think you’d be ready to get down and dirty because you French-kissed him,” she said. “And you can tell him ‘no’ when something is too much for you. Zach’s got his faults but he would never ever force you to do something you don’t want.”

I’d said ‘no’ three years ago. Had said it countless times. Had begged, cried, pleaded, shouted, whimpered, but that ‘no’ had meant nothing. Zach wasn’t like that. I knew that. Reagan touched my hand. “You have to voice what you want and don’t want. Believe me, Zach won’t mind if you’re open about your desires with him.”

It sounded so easy but even the word desire made me flush with embarrassment. “I don’t even know what I want.”

“You’ll find out together. If there’s one good thing about Zach’s experience, it is that he’s probably good at pleasing women.”

“Oh God.” I buried my face in my palms. “I don’t even know if I can feel something like that. Maybe what happened has made me numb.”

Reagan searched my face. “You worry that you can’t feel pleasure.” I gave a small nod. “Have you never tried to touch yourself?”

My skin felt so hot, it was a miracle that I hadn’t combusted yet. “No.”

“Why?”

I gave her a look. “Because after what happened, I couldn’t even think about anything like that without reliving everything.”

“And now?”

“I feel attracted to Zach.” I paused. “I want to kiss him.”

She grinned. “So when you see Zach’s muscled body, you do feel something?”

I definitely felt something whenever I saw Zach. “Yeah, I guess. It’s complicated. I don’t know what to do.”

“You have to be in control, Amber. Be the one to make the first step. Take matters in your own hands. Show Zach what you want. He’s probably as unsure and confused as you are. He needs your guidance.”

“Right. You said it yourself, he’s experienced and I’m not.”

“That’s got nothing to do with it. He’s never been with a girl like you. His usual women drop their panties at a smile from him. They most definitely weren’t virgins.”

Tears sprang into my eyes. “I’m not a virgin,” I whispered harshly.