Not To Us (42 page)

“I know.”

I lean over the table and he meets me halfway. Our kiss is devoid of promise and filled with this incalculable heartbreak.

I close my eyes and savor this last moment with him. Then, he pulls away from me.

I hear his chair scrape the wood floor and open my eyes. He towers above me. The flash of his crooked smile is the last thing I see of him as he leaves.

≈≈

Now, there are even more secrets from Michael: my secret rendezvous with Court, Court’s goodbye kiss, the feelings that I acknowledge for Court as the secret wish I can never have. The whole afternoon, I secretly indulge in the last moments with Court; of being with him as if experiencing my very last high and all the guilt that arrives with it, in feeling this way about him.

By the end of the afternoon, I’m worn out. Yet, I hide behind a mask of nonchalance with Lisa. Her scrutiny upon my return was bad enough and keeping up the detachment about my meeting with Court is draining me now.

Her constant question all afternoon: “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” My answer comes with a smile every time she asks.

I let go of the breath I’ve held all afternoon when I watch Lisa leave. I just wave at her last call out from the car, promising to call me first thing in the morning.

Upstairs, I stash the medication Lisa gave me in our master bathroom after taking one of the pills, chasing it down with a new glass of red wine, even as I read the label stating no alcohol.

Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck all of it.

Rachael is busy fixing dinner. She’s already finished the laundry. With every task she completes, I feel a little bit of this heavy burden lift from me, although I’m being assailed by all the others: guilt, remorse, and loss. I’ve shown her around the house and outlined some of the routines, as if there’s been any semblance of routines over the last year.

I’ve put her in Elaina’s old room for now and briefly explain the tragedy of Nick and Elaina. Apparently, I’ve explained it well enough so that when I am through telling this heartbreaking story, Rachael cries and I comfort her as much as myself.

Emily is already in love with Rachael. My six-year-old pulls Rachael into her world. The joy is evident on Emily’s face as she describes her favorite movie, her most loved book, and most treasured stuffed animal. Rachael listens intently. Later, she easily converses with Mathew and Emily, while preparing dinner as the kids finish their homework at the kitchen table. There’s a sense of peace settling over all of us that has been absent for months. Rachael Williams is magical; she touches all of us in some way.

I keep vigilance for Michael. When the headlights of the silver Mercedes finally light up the drive, I go out to the garage to meet him.
So many secrets.
I feel the weight of them as I watch Michael alight from my SUV. He’s been leaving the new one for me, although I’ve been too tired and too intimidated by its size to take it anywhere. I borrowed Lisa’s car for my secret rendezvous earlier.

Secrets. Secrets. I keep too many.

“Hi,” I say. Shy now; overcome with guilt and misery all at the same time. I basically tremble in Michael’s presence.

“Hi,” he says, uncertain. Our fight from three weeks before has spilled over into a détente kind of existence. He’s wary of me, now. And, I have so much to be sorry for. I’ve made so many mistakes and it seems I’m intent on making them still. I take a deep breath.

“We...have a nanny.”

“We do?” Michael asks in surprise.

“Lisa brought her over. She’s amazing. She’s...” My words die on my lips, as I realize who Rachael is. I know why she’s so familiar to me. Her mannerisms, her easygoing nature, her enthusiasm for life
—
she’s Courtney Chandler in the female form
—
and his sister. The story of his kid sister comes rushing back. I turn away from Michael.

“Ellie, what is it?”

“You should meet her,” I say in defeat. “She’s an angel, but she can’t stay.”

“Why not?”

I don’t answer him. I just retreat to the house. My steps are heavy with this crushing sadness. From faraway, I watch Rachael as she takes care of my children. She carries Ava while she checks on dinner and then stops to play with Beau in the baby swing. Rachel seems to be in four places at once with all of my children. The smile upon her face is so much like Court’s. I’m momentarily mesmerized by it.

Rachael introduces herself to Michael. I listen in this absent way as she tells him about the Peace Corps and her husband, Thomas. I look at Michael, while he carries on this easy conversation with Rachael about Afghanistan. Michael knows all about Afghanistan and I’m taken aback that I’ve never known this about him before.

“You look familiar to me,” Michael says with a shake of his head. “Have we met before?”

“I don’t think so,” Rachael says. “I probably remind you of my brother. He’s been all over the news.” She gets this vague look. Her eyes widen as she studies my face and I can see her putting together the puzzle pieces of the news stories about her brother’s affair with an older woman. She gets this uncertain look.

“Your brother?” Michael asks.

I shudder. Here we go. I should have told him, even though I didn’t officially know, I should have told him. It wasn’t my secret. It wasn’t intentional, but I should have told him. I watch Michael, now, as Rachael says his name.

“Yes,” Rachel says in confusion. “Court Chandler. He’s my brother.” She looks at me. “Ellie, do you know him?”

“I see,” Michael says. All the enthusiasm for this girl leaves his face all at once. He looks over at me and gives me a bitter smile. “Well, Ellen Kay, I see you have it all worked out.”

“It’s not like that,” I say in a low voice.

I’m instantly filled with guilt, shame, and foreboding, knowing what this latest mistake will cost me now as Michael abruptly gets up and leaves. Fear courses through me at his look of disappointment and something else, the acceptance of defeat.

“Did I say something wrong?” Rachael asks of me now.

“No,” I say. “Let me talk to him.”

≈≈

There are too many secrets and they catch up to me
.
I climb the stairs two at a time. My chest aches with the rapid movement. I run down the hall to our closed bedroom door, rush at it, close and lock it behind me, as if, somehow, by doing so, I can keep him here.

“Michael.” The closet light is on and my heart starts pounding fast. “Don’t do this.”

“Don’t do what?” His voice is muffled.

I race to the closet. He’s going through his clothes, jamming them into a suitcase.

“Don’t…leave…me.”

He shakes his head. “I keep breaking my promise to you. I keep saying I’ll stay that I’ll never leave you again, but I always do.” His speech is slow, sad, and heartbreaking. “The thing is…I don’t want this anymore, not like this. This constant fighting. All the secrets you keep, Ellen Kay. I don’t want any of that anymore.”

“I don’t either.” I wipe away sudden tears, desperate now. “I don’t want that either. I don’t know why I’ve kept things from you. Michael…you have to believe me, when I tell you that I didn’t know who she was. I didn’t figure it out, until I told you about her and when I described her, only then, did I realize who she reminded me of. He talked about her once and I remembered he said she was a saint and served in the Peace Corps, while her husband served in Afghanistan. I’m sorry. I should have told you. I just wanted you to meet her to get a moment of happiness with her before I tell her she can’t stay.”

His continued silence crushes me. I feel the weight of it as if it is a physical thing. I stagger towards him, trying to keep my balance and grab on to him even as he tries to push me away. I gasp in pain as we both fall to the floor. He stops fighting me, lies still beneath me, and takes a deep breath as if it is his last.

“Ellie, I want you to be happy,” Michael says. “And, if I can’t make you happy…if it’s Court Chandler.” He sighs. “So be it.”

“I have to tell you everything, Michael.”

I grasp his face with my hands, imploring him to look at me. There’s another long silence between us. He takes another deep breath.

“Okay, then tell me,” he finally says to me. “Tell me everything, Ellen Kay.”

“Bobby and I sold the house. Some all cash deal. I paid him back the loan of two hundred and put the rest of it in the bank in my account. I wanted to tell you, but after our fight about Carrie and your insecurities about Court…” I sigh. “I didn’t tell you. I
should
have told you. We should decide what to do with the money. Pay off the house, invest some of it? I don’t know. We should decide…” He’s looking at me with even more distrust, not the reaction I was hoping for. “I have a trip for Europe planned around our anniversary. Three weeks, just you and me. I know it will be sad, but I think we should go. I think Nick and Elaina would want us to go.” I take a deep breath and intently focus on Michael’s face. “Court texted me last week. He wanted to meet with me. I said no, then, I said yes, then, I said no.”

My words begin to register; jealousy traverses his features. I start to waver on my commitment to tell him everything.

“You should see him,” Michael says, stunned. “You need to figure out what you want.”

With a jagged breath, I let go of one of my last secrets. “I went and saw him today. To say goodbye. To end it. Forever.” Michael’s body shudders beneath mine. I sense his doubt; he holds his breath, just waiting. “We said goodbye. I kissed him goodbye. It’s over.” I look at him with guilt and newfound terror as the idea of him leaving me again takes hold. “It’s
over
.”

Michael sighs and shakes his head. “I don’t know what you want from me.”

“I want you. Only you. And, that’s what I told him, Michael. I told Court I love you. I choose you and now he understands that and so do I.” My fierceness surprises him. It surprises me, too.

I give away my last secret, an easy one.

“I talked to Lisa. She thinks I’m suffering from depression. She prescribed something for it and wants me to see a therapist.”

I see the intensity in his blue eyes as he stares at me. “I need you, Michael. I can’t do this by myself. I can’t do this without you. That’s it. No more secrets. Now, you know everything I know,” I say.

Silence
. It pervades this enclosed space and the two of us.

I feel his heartbeat beneath my hands. Its steady rhythm is so fast and true.
Like Michael.
He has always been there for me.

And I? I have to go way back to remember when I’ve really been there for him.

The remorse in realizing this is instantaneous and painful. I bite my lip to keep it from trembling as fresh tears slide down my face onto his.

Anguish and uncertainty parade across his features. Finally, I see acceptance and maybe even the beginning of trust come over him. I caress his clenched jaw and finally feel it relax beneath my fingertips. He begins to smile that gorgeous white smile of his and soon his physical desire betrays him.

I smile through my own tears and shift my weight, moving in closer. My intentions clear.

“I love you, Michael. I’ve always loved you. I choose you. Only you.”

His body moves beneath mine. “I love you, Ellen Kay. You’re my only wish.”

And, I believe him. I feel his love and my love for him down to my very soul. My own truth bursts forth. “You’re mine,” I say in wonder.

The truth is this: it’s always been Michael and me.

≈ ≈ ≈