Not Under My Roof: Parents, Teens, and the Culture of Sex (25 page)

Still, when the moment came, Natalie says, “I just did not want to tell them. I don’t know why. But at a certain moment, you can’t keep it to yourself, you’re just really happy. . . . Well, I did not exactly tell them. They discovered it.” When a week after Natalie and Rob had their first intercourse—at Rob’s house—Natalie’s father found Rob in her room late at night, he responded: “Yes, five minutes Rob, and then you have to be out!!” Natalie was furious. In the conversation that followed, Natalie told her par- ents where things stood between her and Rob. They “weren’t shocked. My father said, ‘Sixteen is a beautiful age.’ . . . My mother thought it was really great. She did not mind because she knows how serious we are.” Although, as we learned in chapter 2, it would take her father a while to come around, Natalie is confident that soon her parents will let Rob spend the night with her: “Because they trust me. . . . That is just really important.” She looks for- ward to it: “It is wonderful isn’t it, lying next to him at night?”

While trust makes Natalie’s parents “tolerant, very tolerant even,” such tolerance does not mean Natalie has free rein to do as she pleases. “I know exactly what I need to do to make my mother angry,” Natalie says, “really angry. . . . I know what I can do and what I cannot do.” One thing she
can- not
do is “bike home alone in the dark.” Natalie has to always keep her parents informed of her whereabouts. “If my plans change, I always have to call them. They always want to know where I am.” Violating those rules

would break down the trust and “if the trust is gone between them and me, that would be terrible.” But Natalie takes the rules that her parents expect her to keep to for granted. “Usually I agree with them. . . . I am allowed to do a lot. So I never need to disagree with them.” Natalie’s agreeableness suits her parents well too, she believes. They are relieved that she does not go “against them like some kids who paint their hair strange colors or stop listening to their parents.” Her parents are pleased, Natalie says, “that I am
normal
.”

Natalie’s and Karsten’s accounts are textbook cases of normalization—they received ample sex education, they initiated premeditated intercourse in respectful relationships, and were—eventually in Natalie’s case—able to negotiate permission for a sleepover from their parents. Few Dutch teenag- ers have experiences that correspond as closely to this tension-free ideal. And yet, these two opening vignettes illustrate broader patterns: unlike Kimberley and Michael in America, Dutch girls and boys do not confront the narrow gender-bifurcated notions of the “good girl” and “bad boy” that deny sexual agency.
1
And like Karsten and Natalie, most Dutch teenage in- terviewees have received sex education and have been, or project being, al- lowed to spend the night at home with a steady boyfriend or girlfriend, al- though such permission is predicated on their negotiating and complying with terms that make a sleepover agreeable to all parties.

In the following sections, we will see that even in families less “free” than Natalie’s and Karsten’s and in spite of parent-teenager tensions, sex- uality becomes a vehicle through which young people are encouraged to develop a psychology of incorporation rather than separation: Boys are encouraged to make their sexuality
gezellig
—to value the integration of sexual and domestic pleasures and to chose partners who can be treated as temporary family members. Girls are encouraged to make their sexuality
normal
—to avoid causing unnecessary disturbances by springing a sexual relationship, let alone a pregnancy, on their parents prematurely or out of the blue, and to be able to discuss emotional issues without letting dis- comfort get the better of them. But while it is striking how similarly Dutch boys and girls are treated, it is also notable that negotiations around the sleepover are more prolonged and tension-ridden for girls than for boys. Still, both girls and boys illustrate that the choices and constraints they

encounter at home encourage them to behave “normally”: in close accor- dance with their parents’ norms.

Indeed, as we will see, just as sex and the psychology it requires from American teenagers is embedded in a larger cultural narrative about what it means to come of age in middle-class America, so too is the management of adolescent sexuality in Dutch middle-class families part of an overarch- ing strategy for maintaining connection and control across the fissures of maturation.
2
Dutch teenagers appear, from the perspective of their Ameri- can peers, to experience extraordinary latitude with regard to sex. But their freedoms are circumscribed by, and predicated on, expectations and taken- for-granted rules that constitute them as
gezellig
family members who exer- cise the necessary self-restraint, take others into account, show understand- ing, and seek agreements. These mandates of
gezelligheid
are intended to mitigate the potential disruptive aspects of adolescence, creating continuity in the household and in the self, and exacting control over teenagers by keeping them anchored in relations of interdependence.

This strategy of control through connection is based on a vision of change and the conviction that one is better off sailing forward on its force than left flapping in the wind. Hence, many Dutch parents tolerate experi- mentation they view as beyond their power to forbid.
3
Instead of the “no sex, no drugs, no alcohol” rules that many American teenagers encounter at home, Dutch teenagers typically describe a form of “vigilant leniency” on the part of their parents, as the latter try to steer them clear of major collisions while permitting them to adjust their own course. Vigilant leni- ency does keep Dutch teenagers more connected to their parents than their American counterparts, but it does not prevent them from pushing the lim- its, fudging the truth, and keeping some things secret. And sometimes toler- ance begets laxity, with the young failing to demonstrate the self-correcting, especially with regard to alcohol consumption, their parents expect. At the same time, in the process of pushing and fudging, they do not usually veer too far off course from a shared understanding of “what can and cannot be done.”

Like Karsten, most Dutch boys say that their parents have made at least a good faith attempt to discuss sexuality and contraception with them. There is a range in how explicit parents are in addressing the topic. All Hans’s parents said was, “If you don’t understand something, then you should ask

us.” But it is rare for parents to skirt the topic completely. Erik thinks it is a matter of course that he got sex education from his parents. His fa- ther “
gewoon
started a conversation about it, about condoms and things like that. . . . [I think] most parents explain on time how things work and
what can and cannot be done
.” Erik explains the expression “can and can- not be done”: It means “about being safe and everything. And like general things, like that you shouldn’t do it if your girlfriend does not want it.” Gert-Jan’s father told him about “doing it, contraception and that kind of thing.” For Gert-Jan the conversation was “exciting, of course.” Berend’s fa- ther talked with him once “some years ago.” Asked what his father told him, Berend says, “Well,
gewoon
, that men can get excited and stuff and about masturbating.”

In other families, mothers are the ones to provide sex education, which provokes a variety of emotional responses. While that conversation was “a little strange,” says Paul, the information is “kind of nice to know.” Frank liked receiving sex education from his mother. She told him, “If you ever want to do something, you need to protect yourself.” She offered to buy condoms for her son, or, she said, “We’ve got some at home too.” Thomas’s feelings are more mixed about the sex education he received at home. His mother gave him a little book when he was twelve, telling him, “I never got that at home, [but] I want you to have it.” His mother would have wanted to talk more with him, but Thomas held off further conversation. A couple of years later, when Thomas had a girlfriend, his mother told him, “You have to do it safely, you know that don’t you?” Thomas’s response was, “Jesus, mom, I am only fourteen!”

Several Dutch boys say that their parents are more than willing to talk about sex, but boys do not always reciprocate their willingness. Lawrence believes his parents “would like it if I were to talk openly with them, if I were to kind of ask information. . . . They would like to help.” Were he to contemplate having sex, Lars says, “I
could
talk about it [with my par- ents]. Whether I actually would do it, that I don’t know.” Likewise, Erik says his parents would definitely be available to talk, if he wanted to, “but it wouldn’t really be my first choice to talk about” sex with them. Ben’s mother would want to [talk more about sex].” And he talks a lot with his mother, he says, “also about that—but not so much. I mean, I am not go- ing to tell her about my sex life!” Ben’s mother did come along to purchase emergency contraception the first time that Ben, who is now eighteen, feared that he had impregnated his girlfriend of several years. But when more recently his girlfriend actually
was
pregnant and had an abortion, Ben did not tell his parents.

Other Dutch boys are more positive about the option of talking with their parents about sex, either because they could learn from them or be- cause they want to share their experiences. Sam thinks that when you are trying to figure out whether you are ready, “you should listen to your par- ents. They have seen you grow up and they probably also remember. . . . They are not the ones making the decision but you should listen to them as well.” Gert-Jan is sure he will tell his parents when he loses his virgin- ity: “Yes, you always want to be honest, don’t you? Let me rephrase that: I would begin with my sister, then my mother, then my father.” Why would he want that? “You’d want to know what they think about it of course,” Gert-Jan explains: “Hear their side of the story. You tell them if it felt good or if it didn’t feel good. And you want to know how their first time was, that kind of thing.” Gert-Jan is pleased that they can talk about sex at home. “You can talk about it during dinner. And then my father joins in and stuff.”

In the more liberal families, boys are allowed to bring girlfriends home with few qualifications, and they say they have complete sexual autonomy: Marcel’s parents have the attitude that “you should decide that yourself when you do. As long as you are safe, it does not matter to them.” Sam thinks his parents “know that if something [sexual] were to happen, that I would be ready for it. They also have enough faith in me . . . that I wouldn’t do any stupid things.” Berend thinks his mother might “say that we should not do any crazy things. But I think she would permit it. It is [part of] my age. Maybe she would give me advice but she’s not going to forbid it or anything.” As far as Ben’s parents were concerned, his girlfriend “would have been allowed to sleep in my room from the first night.” He agrees with them: “Why would [it] not be allowed? That a child goes to bed with someone at a certain point, well, that is going to happen anyway. You might as well let them spend the night. If my mother thinks it is
gezellig
, [then] why not.”

At the other end of the spectrum are boys whose parents set stricter limits. Niek suspects he will not be allowed to have a girlfriend spend the night until he is eighteen. If Michiel’s parents had known that their son was gay—which they do not—they would not have permitted his boyfriend to spend the night in his bedroom. Peter thinks his mother is “incredibly con- servative” when it comes to sex and relationships. Were Peter, who is still a virgin, to bring a brand-new girlfriend home for the night, she would be assigned a guestroom. That could change depending on “lots of things: how often she comes home, how long we’ve been together, how close we are, how well my parents know her.” Peter’s older sister sleeps at home

with her boyfriend. “But they’ve been together for like three years. . . . The first year, she did not dare to ask.” That means, Peter concludes, that “if I want to make any chance of it being allowed in the short term, then I better start asking for it soon, given the long discussion that I’ll have to get about that.” Would Peter like the sleepover? Why not, he says, “It would be quite
gezellig
.”

Like Peter, Frank describes criteria for the sleepover that are very similar to those articulated by many Dutch girls. He says his parents would “not be easy” about permitting a sleepover, “especially because they would first want to know someone well. I don’t think that my father and mother al- low [someone] to belong to the family that quickly.” He thinks there may be some tensions between his own romantic tastes and his parents’ pref- erences: “I think they want someone who is ‘squarer,’ but I really don’t. [I want] someone with a lot of friends, who is easier, cooler.” But once they get to know his girlfriend, and they like her, Frank can see his parents per- mitting her to stay the night: “And if it went fine the first time, normal, then they think, ‘See, it is okay.’” He explains what he means by “normal”: “That the sleeping happens in a normal way. . . . That it happens in such a way that it does not bother them at all.” Frank likes the prospect: “Yes, I would like it: it is like mom and dad, like when you’re married, you also wake up every day next to the person you love. That I do think is beautiful!”

Even in families that boys characterize as “free,” there are implicit ex- pectations about self-regulated, relationship-based sexuality with a person with whom parents feel an affinity. Erik’s and his girlfriend’s parents per- mitted them to spend the night after three months because “it seemed seri- ous.” Gert-Jan’s parents would permit the sleepover, no questions asked. But all the same, he says, “My father is always judging, ‘That is not a type for you.’” His brother has what his parents consider a “really nice girl. Then they don’t mind at all.” Thomas is also allowed to spend the night with his girlfriend (with whom he has slept but not had sex). His mother, Marga Fenning (chapter 2) told him, “You have to decide that yourself, [but] you need to think about it before you go to bed with a girl.” She urged Thomas to think about “whether you will be continuing to be with her for a long time” and what will happen “if there are problems.” Echoing his mother’s words, he says, “If the girl becomes pregnant, you should not say, ‘Goodbye then!’”