Nothing Left to Lose (14 page)

“Breathe,”
Ashton whispered. “Anna, just breathe for me. Everything is going
to be fine. I know you’re panicking, but listen to my voice.
Nothing will hurt you.” My breathing continued to come out in small
pants as I dug my fingers into his sides, completely lost in grief
and guilt. “Can you hear your heart beating?” he asked as he
brushed my hair over my shoulder. “If you can hear your heart, then
count the beats and just try to breathe so you can calm down. I
won’t let anything hurt you.”

My eyes flicked
to Pam and Michael, who were standing there watching me with wide,
horrified eyes. Pam was crying, covering her mouth with her hand.
Michael frowned and shook his head, turning to his mother and
saying something I couldn’t hear.

I looked back
to Ashton, swallowing my sadness. What I hated the most was the
fact that I was upsetting Pam by being upset. She’d been through
enough already – losing her son because of me. I needed to get a
grip of myself. Doing as Ashton said, I tried to focus on my
heartbeats that were drumming in my ears as he smiled and nodded in
encouragement. Slowly, my breathing returned to normal as I fought
my way through the emotional storm that was trying to drown me.

“I’ll ask them
to leave,” he suggested, pulling away from me when my breathing was
stable and I could no longer hear my heart hammering in my
ears.

I gulped and
shook my head. “No, don’t,” I croaked, standing up straighter.

His eyebrows
knitted together as he nodded and pulled back, setting his hand on
the small of my back. I forced a smile as I turned to face the
mother of the boy that I got killed, and his brother, who had
inherited every single feature that I loved about my boyfriend.

“Hi,” I greeted
awkwardly.

Pam sniffed and
smiled back, stepping closer to me. “Oh, Anna. I’m sorry we upset
you,” she said kindly, wiping her own tears away. “How are you?
We’ve missed you.”

I nodded. “I’ve
missed you guys too.” That wasn’t the truth though. I didn’t allow
myself to think about them much because it brought back too many
memories. It was easier for me to blank them out altogether and not
ever let myself think about them or how welcome they always made me
feel.

“Can I get a
hug?” she asked hopefully.

I gritted my
teeth so tightly that it made my jaw ache, but nodded in agreement,
letting her envelop me in a hug that was so familiar that it was
like I was ten years old again and I’d just gone to her with a
scraped knee.

When she broke
the embrace, Michael stepped forward, holding his arms open for a
hug too. A small whimper escaped my lips as I smiled through my
heartbreak. When his arms wrapped around me, I closed my eyes and
hugged him just that bit too tight and for that bit too long. Part
of me didn’t ever want to let go.

He stepped
back, running a hand through his hair just like Jack used to do.
“Not seen you in ages. You should come around more,” he stated.

Tears welled in
my eyes because even his voice was similar to his brother’s. He
looked so much like Jack that I could barely stand to look at him,
yet at the same time, I couldn’t look away. My grief was
threatening to crush me. I wasn’t sure how much longer I could look
at him without either throwing myself at him and begging him to
hold me, or sobbing until I couldn’t breathe.

Pam set her
hand on my arm. “Anna, did you get my text? We’d love to have you
over for dinner or something before you go back to school. We miss
you at the house,” she cooed, squeezing my arm gently.

I swallowed a
couple of times, scrambling to come up with an answer to that. “Um…
I’m not sure if I’m going to get time. We’re leaving in a couple of
days, and there’s a lot to do before college.” I turned and
motioned to Ashton. “This is Ashton. Ashton, this is Pamela and
Michael Roberts,” I introduced weakly, praying that no one noticed
that my hands were shaking.

Ashton shook
hands with them both and exchanged pleasantries when suddenly his
cell phone rang again in his pocket. “Sorry. Excuse me,” he
apologised, turning to answer it. He turned back a few seconds
later. “I’m really sorry, Anna, but we have to get going. There are
some things I need to pick up on our way back to the house,” he
instructed.

I’d never been
more grateful for a phone call in my life. I couldn’t hold myself
together much longer. I was struggling to keep the panic and horror
from seeping into my voice as I talked to them. Soon I would break
down, and I didn’t want Pam to have to witness it.

After
exchanging goodbyes and promising that I’d try to make time to
visit them before going to school the following week, I let Ashton
lead me along and out of the emergency exit of the mall.

I gulped in the
fresh air greedily as the tears finally made their appearance.
Ashton’s face was a mask of worry and sympathy as he gripped my
hand and tugged me across the parking lot towards where we’d
parked.

By the time we
were almost at the car, I couldn’t walk any further and my legs
gave out on me. I slumped down to the floor, sobbing against the
asphalt. Ashton’s arms slipped under me, lifting me and carrying me
the rest of the way. He climbed in the car, still holding me
against his chest as he set me in his lap.

Feeling needy
and almost desperate for comfort, I wrapped my arms around his neck
and sobbed on his shoulder until I was almost sick. The whole time
he just stroked my back and rocked me gently.

After about ten
minutes, my tears had dried up so all I was left with was the
hitched breathing and the blocked nose. I swiped angrily at my
face, wiping the last of my tears. “I’m sorry,” I mumbled, my voice
hoarse from all the crying.

“He looked like
him, didn’t he?” he replied sadly. I nodded, biting my bottom lip
hard enough to draw blood. “Whoa! Careful,” he scolded, grabbing a
Kleenex and dabbing it on my lip gently.

I pushed his
hand away. “We’d better get going if we have some stuff to pick
up,” I said quietly, my voice still hitching from the last spasms
of my sobs.

“We don’t have
anything to pick up; I just said that so we could leave. You looked
like you didn’t have much longer in you, and we made it just in
time,” he explained, grimacing.

“Well, who
called you?” I asked, confused.

“No one. I used
the self-ringer,” he replied, smiling grimly.

Oh God, he
did that to get me out of there before I broke down in front of
everyone?
I wrapped my arms around his neck again and hugged
him gratefully. “Thank you,” I whispered. It meant a lot to me that
he would do that; I would have hated myself if I’d broken down in
front of Jack’s mom like I had in front of Ashton. He smelled so
good that I didn’t want to let go yet, so I buried my face into the
side of his neck and closed my eyes, enjoying being close to
someone for the first time in over three years.

“It’s my job to
take care of you, isn’t it?” he replied softly, hugging me
back.

“Yeah, for as
long as you’re here,” I croaked. Now he’d seen the real me, the
crying, weak and hysterical girl, he’d be requesting that transfer
any day now.

He sighed,
tightening his arms on my waist. “Anna, I won’t leave you like the
others, I promise. Even after my assignment’s done, I’ll still be
there if you need me.”

“Yeah, okay,” I
replied sarcastically. Everybody left eventually; I’d just hardened
myself so that it didn’t matter anymore.

I lifted my
head off his shoulder so I could look at him, but I didn’t move
from his lap. I just sat there, soaking up the comfort and support
that he provided, loving being close to someone again and having
something else to think about, other than the gaping hole that was
where my heart used to be. He smiled, and I just looked into his
beautiful, green eyes. They were like an emerald green colour,
flecked with both a lighter green and a hazel brown. They were
easily the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen in my life. I
dragged my gaze over his face, taking in every perfect inch of it –
the line of his jaw, and the curve of his lip. His breath was
blowing across my face and the hair on the nape of my neck
prickled. The car seemed to be getting hotter, the air growing
thicker somehow. I could feel the heat and desire coursing up
through my veins and I gulped as my body started to tingle in
places that hadn’t wanted anyone since Jack. I was longing for him
to lean in and press those soft-looking lips against mine.

Suddenly my
thoughts actually caught up with me and I realised just what it was
that I was starting to fantasise about. Hatred and self-loathing
hit me like a bucket of cold water. I hated the fact that I had
looked at him like that and that I’d been untrue to Jack because,
like it or not, I was actually attracted to Ashton.

I looked away,
closing my eyes as I pushed myself up off his lap and climbed into
the passenger seat. “Can we go home?” I whispered, not able to look
at him again. I had no idea what was happening to me, or why he was
suddenly making me feel like this. For three years, I’d felt
nothing but rage, pain and grief inside me, but now I felt a little
something else inside – and I didn’t like it one bit.

He nodded and
started the car while I clipped on my seatbelt. The drive home was
silent. I had no idea what to say or do, so I said and did nothing
other than watch the trees whizz past. As we pulled into the
driveway of my house, I gripped the hood of my sweater and pulled
it up, partially covering my face. I didn’t want anyone to know I’d
been crying. Ashton followed me silently through the house, with
his hand on the small of my back the whole time. I knew he was only
trying to be supportive, but I started to resent the fact that he
kept touching me all the time, and that I allowed him to.

As I stopped
outside my bedroom, I turned and shrugged. “I’m just gonna draw for
a bit then catch an early night.”

He nodded and
opened his mouth to reply, but I didn’t give him the chance before
I slipped into my room and closed the door in his face. I needed
privacy; the sadness was still churning in the pit of my stomach
and I wanted to be alone so I could try and deal with it.

I didn’t get
much drawing done though. Instead, I’d sat there for almost an
hour, scratching, pinching and picking at the skin on the inside of
my left elbow until my nails were covered in blood and my skin was
red raw and sore-looking. I’d taken to self-harming not long after
I was found at Carter’s house. Sometimes it helped me to release my
emotions, sometimes, like today, it did nothing other than make me
bleed.

Later that
night, I fell into a horror-filled sleep, where I saw my boyfriend
murdered over and over again by the man that haunted my every
waking moment.

When Ashton
burst into my room again, for the third night running, I just
apologised and closed my eyes before turning my back on him, not
wanting to see his pitying expression. Without asking, he climbed
onto my bed with me and scooted close to my back, wrapping his arm
over my stomach.

“You seem to
sleep better with me in here,” he whispered. I didn’t answer. There
was no answer for that. I did, there was no denying it. And to be
honest, if his snoring stopped me from seeing Jack’s broken face
again for the night, then I welcomed the distraction.

I woke in the
morning with him still spooning me from behind. His arms were
wrapped around me securely as his breath blew into my hair. I
smiled to myself.
For someone who has never spent the night with
a girl, he sure is cuddly!

I closed my
eyes and enjoyed the closeness of him. It felt nice having someone
hold me who wasn’t after anything; if Carter had held me like this,
it usually meant he wanted sex. I moved slightly to get more
comfortable and his arms tightened around me. He sighed, and his
leg tangled in with mine as his hand brushed against my thigh. My
breath caught in my throat.

I gulped as
unfamiliar feelings started creeping up on me, the same feelings
that had started building yesterday in the car. My skin was
prickling with sensation as my stomach fluttered. An unsatisfied
ache, a longing for something unknown, filled my body. I’d never
felt this kind of thing before, not of this magnitude anyway. The
lust I felt inside was all consuming. I wondered what would happen
if I turned around and kissed him, or if I ran my hand down his
sculpted chest. Would he freak out and ask me what the heck I was
doing?

Swallowing
loudly, I rolled over to face him. The feelings of longing and need
grew even more when I laid eyes on his beautiful, sleeping face.
His body was so close, pressed against mine, and hard, toned and
mouth-wateringly perfect. Before I even knew what I was doing, I’d
bent forward and brushed my lips against his, just once, just
needing to know what it would feel like. As soon as his lips
touched mine, desire pulsed through my body. I laid my head back
down and licked my lips, fighting the urge to kiss him again.

His eyes
fluttered open, and a confused, shocked expression flitted across
his face.

No! No, no,
no, no! Oh my goodness, why did I do that?
I gasped in horror
because of what I’d just done – and the fact that I’d been caught
doing it. My face flushed with embarrassment as I squirmed, trying
to come up with words to explain my behaviour. I needed to
apologise quickly because I’d just overstepped a line that should
never be crossed.

“I-I’m really
sorry! Oh God, I can’t believe I did that! I’m so sorry, Ashton.” I
blushed like crazy and my voice wavered as I spoke.

Instead of
answering, he bent his head and pressed his lips to mine again for
a split second, before pulling back and looking at me cautiously.
His expression was worried, nervous, scared even. It was almost as
if he was waiting for me to freak out and punch him in the
face.