Nothing Left to Lose (18 page)

“Want to go for
that walk now?” he offered, raising one eyebrow.

Is he
kidding me? I told him to stay away from me!
“No thanks. Want
to train me how to fight?” I countered, shrugging.

He sighed and
nodded, kicking off his shoes and walking over to the mats. He
pulled his shirt over his head and a wave of desire shot straight
through my body. I bit back my moan of desire as memories of this
morning flooded my brain. I kicked off my shoes and socks and
followed him, pulling off the gloves and tossing them in the
corner.

His eyes were
cautious as he shifted his weight onto his back leg. “Same as
yesterday then, I’ll try to grab you and you fight me off,
okay?”

I nodded in
agreement, taking a deep breath and waiting for him to move. Anger
was bubbling through me, I used it to help me focus. He came
forward, so I punched him in the stomach, but he saw me move so he
jumped back again to avoid it, my hand barely grazing his skin.

He came forward
again, and this time I channelled all my hate and hurt into it. I
punched him in the chest and slapped his hand away as he tried to
grab me, bringing my leg to kick him in the thigh, but he blocked
it with his arm, pushing my leg away, making me lose my balance. I
regained control quickly and hit him a couple of more times, each
one he blocked easily.

I got even
angrier because fighting him made me feel so vulnerable.
How am
I supposed to hurt Carter if I can’t even land one hit?
As soon
as I thought about him, Carter’s smiling face swam in front of my
eyes. Something seemed to snap inside me. I really went for it,
punching and kicking at him, but he blocked me easily. I pretended
to punch him in the stomach but quickly moved and elbowed him in
the face. As he grunted in surprise, I took my opportunity and put
my leg behind his, shoving him as hard as I could.

He fell
backwards, grabbing me tightly and pulling me down with him. As
soon as he hit the floor, he hooked his legs over mine and flipped
me easily onto my back, pinning me to the mat with his weight.

“Calm down,
Anna,” he said soothingly. I couldn’t calm down; I could barely
breathe through my anger. I wanted to kill him; I wanted to rip his
head off. I wanted to tear him apart. I thrashed, trying to get him
off me, but he was just too heavy and strong. “Calm down, Anna,” he
repeated. I closed my eyes and willed myself to calm, but all I
could see was Carter. I didn’t realise I was crying until he wiped
my tears away tenderly. “Shh, it’s okay, Baby Girl,” he whispered,
sitting up and pulling me onto his lap, rocking me gently. I
wrapped my arms around his neck and sobbed onto his shoulder. “You
did great, Anna. That was really impressive, you definitely kicked
ass,” he said, rubbing my back.

When I was
finally in control of my emotions, I sniffed loudly and pulled back
to look at him. His eyes were sparkling with excitement as they
locked onto mine. A flash of red caught my eye so I looked down at
his mouth, seeing that his lip was bleeding a little.

I gasped,
reaching out to touch it hesitantly. “Holy shit, Ashton. I’m so
sorry,” I mumbled weakly.

He shook his
head dismissively. “It’s fine. It was worth it to see you fight
like that. You fight like an alley cat on speed,” he replied,
grinning at me proudly.

I burst out
laughing at his randomness. “An alley cat on speed? Where the heck
did that come from?” I pulled my T-shirt up and dabbed his bottom
lip with it to stop it from bleeding. My face was inches from his
and I could feel the desire building inside me. I pulled my T-shirt
away from his mouth. The bleeding had stopped, but there was a
small cut there. Wanting to somehow take the pain away, I bent my
head and kissed it gently. He made a moaning sound in his throat
that made my insides quiver as he kissed me back immediately. His
arm tightened on me, holding me securely on his lap as his other
hand tangled into my hair.

The way he
kissed me made my whole body tingle; it was so passionate, yet so
soft and tender at the same time. It was perfect.

His mouth left
mine only to kiss my neck instead. Digging my fingers into his
shoulders, I pressed myself to him, loving the heat that emanated
from his skin. My heart was flying as the sensations were taking
over. Something was pulling at the edges of my subconscious, a
thought or feeling, but I was trying my best to ignore it and just
enjoy his attention and the feel of his mouth on my skin. But
something was most definitely telling me that this was wrong and
that I shouldn’t be doing this... Jack.

I gasped,
jerking back out of his lap, pushing myself awkwardly to my feet as
I shook my head, horrified with myself once again. I needed to
leave, I needed to get away, this couldn’t keep happening.

“Anna?”

I shook my
head, turning on my heel to leave, but he jumped up and blocked my
path to the door, holding up his hands in protest.

“No! Tell me
what’s wrong. Let me in, please? I swear I won’t hurt you! I
swear.” He was giving me the puppy dog face, begging me with his
eyes.

“I can’t,” I
answered, shaking my head as my eyes overflowed with tears. “I’m
sorry. I’m still in love with Jack, and I can’t do this.”

He stepped
forward, catching my face between his hands, tilting my head up so
I had to meet his eyes. “I know you still love him, and that’s
okay, but if you could let me in, maybe, in time, I could make you
love me too.”

I tried not to
react to his pleading tone. I knew that if I let him in like he
asked then he would break my heart; there was no doubt in my mind
about that. And I just couldn’t stand any more heartbreak. His
mouth inched towards mine again, so I pulled my face out of his
hands and gulped, trying to find the right words.

“Look, Ashton,
you’re really hot, and that’s all there is to it. I just wanted
your body, I don’t want you. I don’t want anyone apart from my
Jack,” I replied confidently, maybe even a little harshly.

His forehead
creased with a frown. “Your Jack died, Anna. You can’t have
him.”

I gasped at his
insensitivity. “Don’t you dare talk about him again! I’m serious.
And if you ever touch me more than necessary for your job, Agent
Taylor, I will have you transferred, and it won’t be to the stupid
front line either!” I spat.

“Bitchy doesn’t
suit your beauty, Anna,” he said simply, looking hurt.

My anger
started to deteriorate instantly but I fought to hold on to it. I
couldn’t keep letting this guy change the way I lived my life; I
was doing fine before he came along. “Stop being such a nice guy
all the time! You’re making my life hard, Ashton. I can’t cope with
any more, please, please just stop this. This isn’t a game for me,”
I begged weakly, dropping my eyes to the floor.

He stepped
forward and hooked his finger under my chin, lifting my head. “It’s
not a game for me either. I’ll stop if that’s what you need, but
whenever you decide you’re ready, if at all, I’ll be here,” he
whispered, bending forward and planting a soft kiss on my cheek.
Then, without another word, he was gone and the gym door swung
closed behind him.

I stared at the
door for a full five minutes, not knowing what to think. I knew
only one thing for sure – next week we were going to be pretending
to be boyfriend and girlfriend, so we were going to have to get
this little sexual tension speed bump out of the way before
then.

Deep down, I
knew he wouldn’t quit his job before the allotted time was up,
which meant I had eight months of his presence to cope with before
he would poof into a puff of smoke and the problem would be solved.
We needed to set some ground rules if this was going to work and
then maybe, just maybe, I could get through the eight months
unscathed.

I sloped off to
my room and showered, scrubbing all the sweat off me from the
workout. When I was out and dry, I pulled on baggy combat pants, a
V-neck top and a pair of Converse. Scraping my wet hair back into a
messy bun, I took deep breaths, struggling to find the courage to
talk to Ashton again. With shaky legs, I made the five steps from
my bedroom door to his, hesitating outside before knocking. As I
waited for him to answer, every instinct in my body was telling me
to turn and run as far away from this guy as possible, because he
was the only one that seemed to be able to make me question my
‘don’t get close to people’ plan.

He opened the
door with a polite smile, but that quickly fell from his face when
he spotted me. I gulped awkwardly. “Hi. I’m thinking that maybe we
should talk,” I muttered, picking at the skin on the side of my
fingernail. “Want to go for that walk or something?”

His answering
nod was a little stiff. “Yeah. Come in, let me just get some shoes
on.” He walked into his room, pushing the door open wider in
invitation. I hugged myself, barely stepping over the threshold as
I watched him push his feet into a pair of sneakers before tugging
on the bottom of his jeans and clipping something black to his
ankle.

I frowned at
it. “What’s that?” I asked curiously. Without answering, he pulled
the material up, exposing an ankle holster and black handgun. The
air rushed out of my lungs as I recoiled. “Holy shit, Ashton! You
could shoot your foot off!” I cried, horrified.

He laughed
humourlessly and shook his head. “I have the safety on,” he
replied, standing up straight again. “We really should arrange for
you to have some shooting lessons so that you know how to handle a
gun.”

My eyes were
trained on the bump at the bottom of his jeans. “I don’t want
shooting lessons.”

He shrugged,
picking his cell phone from the side and pushing it into his
pocket. “I would’ve thought you’d want to know how to defend
yourself,” he countered.

“I don’t like
guns,” I admitted, “and why would I need to learn how to shoot,
anyway? I’ve got you and that idiot Dean for that.” I smiled
weakly, trying to alleviate some of the tension that was in the
air.

He smiled in
response and motioned towards the door. “So, why don’t you like
guns?” he asked, putting his hand on the small of my back as we
walked through the house.

I winced.
“Carter liked guns. I’ve seen a lot of people get shot.” I
immediately tried not to think of the other reason I didn’t like
guns, the thing that made me so terrified of guns that it would
wake me up in the night. He groaned, and his hand closed over mine
tightly. I shook my head, not needing to look at him to know that
he felt sorry for me. “Don’t worry about it; I just don’t like the
thought of guns, that’s all. The noise scares me,” I added,
shuddering.

“Well then, I
definitely think you should go for some lessons. You should get
used to the sound so it doesn’t scare you anymore,” he suggested. I
had a feeling that if he was there with me then I wouldn’t be
scared anyway, but I didn’t want to tell him that.

We walked out
of the house, and I immediately turned to the left. We had
extensive grounds here at the lake house and a few minutes’ walk
away, there was an old play park that I grew up using. I could
probably use some pleasant and familiar surroundings while we had
this conversation.

As we left the
house behind us and strolled across the grass, I took a deep
breath, knowing I needed to start sooner or later. “So, I need to
talk to you. Um... I don’t really know what to say or how to say
it, so I’ll just go for the truth, okay?” I offered, looking at him
from the corner of my eye. He nodded, watching me intently, his
eyes a little apprehensive. “Okay well, I don’t want anything from
you. I can’t be with you again like this morning. I just can’t do
that, so there’s no point in you thinking any differently.” I
frowned because of how uncomfortable this conversation was. “I
really enjoyed what happened this morning, I’m not gonna lie about
it. That really was my first time in so many ways, so thank you. I
just… I don’t want that to happen again.” I actually didn’t believe
a word of what I was saying. Physically, I
did
want it to
happen again, but for the sake of my mental health, I needed to set
the boundaries because I couldn’t cope with the guilt of it
afterwards.

He hadn’t said
a word since I’d started speaking. The silence hung in the air as I
kept my gaze firmly on the ground. The swing set of the park came
into view, so I headed over to it, plopping myself on the seat,
knowing I needed to continue. I was only half done with my prepared
speech.

Wordlessly, he
stepped behind me, giving me a little push on the swing. I cleared
my throat, grateful that he was behind me and unable to see me
cringe as I set the rules. “As of next week, you’re officially my
boyfriend, so I think we need to set some rules and stuff,” I
stated, making the word boyfriend sound like a dirty word.

“Yeah, good
idea,” he agreed quietly. His tone was a little hurt and defeated,
but I didn’t know how to help that.

“Okay, well,
hand holding is fine,” I started, “and I don’t mind if you put your
arm around me or hug me. But I don’t want you touching me in a
sexual way.”

“No sexual
touching. Got it,” he confirmed, his voice coloured with amusement.
I laughed nervously, leaning back as my swing propelled forward
again. Silence hung in the air for a minute and then he spoke
again, “Alright, if you’re done with your rules, there are a couple
of things I need clarification on.” He walked around to the front
of the swings, his lips pursed in thought.

Is there
something I hadn’t thought of?
“What’s that?”

“Kissing?” He
raised his eyebrows in question.

My eyes
widened. “I don’t-” I shook my head, not wanting that to happen
again. Kissing was classed as sexual touching in my book; it was
the start to something that really couldn’t happen again.