Nothing Left to Lose (7 page)

“Thank you for
last night. That was nice of you,” I admitted. The words were hard
to say. I wasn’t used to being nice to people lately so I was kind
of unsure how to do it.

His lips curved
into a beautiful smile. “Anytime.”

As he closed
the door behind him, I pushed myself out of the bed, deciding that
I would take a shower too.

After, I didn’t
bother drying my hair or putting on make-up – I never did. I threw
on a pair of loose combat-style jeans and a black tank top with a
black, baggy sweatshirt over the top, and then headed downstairs
for breakfast.

As I walked
into the kitchen, I saw Ashton sitting at the breakfast bar with a
huge stack of pancakes in front of him. The kitchen staff were
falling all over him. Sarah, the waitress, was flirting with him
shamelessly, her cleavage almost popping out of her shirt that was
never normally undone like that.

My stomach was
already full of anguish over what was going to happen this morning,
so instead of eating a proper breakfast, I just grabbed a banana,
ignoring how Mary, the chef, frowned disapprovingly.

Ashton turned
and smiled at me. This earned me a nasty look from Sarah because
she’d lost his attention. While I poured a glass of orange juice,
she stepped closer to him, pulling her shoulders back to make her
breasts look like they were about to pop out of her shirt. “So,
Ashton, I have a few hours off today, would you like to do
something?” she asked, raising one eyebrow in a silent offer of
nakedness, I assumed.

A frown lined
his forehead as he shook his head. “Actually I was hoping that Anna
would want to hang out with me today,” he replied, turning to
me.

The banana
seemed to get stuck in my throat. “I’m busy today.” I had things I
needed to do.

One of his
eyebrows rose in question. “Oh really, what are you doing?”

I swallowed
loudly. This was why I didn’t like having guards; they were always
trying to get into things that had nothing to do with them. “I’ve
got things to do. It’s not really any of your business,” I replied
rudely, downing the last of my juice before tossing the banana skin
into the trash can and storming out of the room before he could
question me further.

Pulling my keys
out of my pocket, I strutted out of the front door and over to my
car. Just as I opened the door and slid in, I heard him shout,
“Hey! Where the hell are you going?”

I winced as I
saw Ashton jog out of the house, frowning angrily in my direction.
Annoyance bubbled in my stomach because I didn’t want him with me.
Deciding to leave before he could insist I let him come, I threw
the car into drive and shoved my foot down on the gas. Instead of
watching me leave like I’d assumed he would, he jumped into the
path of the car. My eyes widened in horror as I slammed my foot
down on the brake and held my breath, waiting for the thud of his
body to hit the car. It didn’t, instead almost as soon as the car
stopped, the passenger door opened and he climbed in, still glaring
at me.

“No! Get the
fuck out of my car!”

“You were going
to leave the estate?” he snapped incredulously.

“Yes! I’ve got
things to do, and you can’t come,” I ranted, giving him my best
warning glare and slamming my hand down on the steering wheel in
frustration.

“Anna, you
can’t just leave without me! I mean, have you even told Dean you
were leaving?” he asked, running his hand through his hair.

“No. I’ll only
be an hour or so. Just get out, Agent Taylor,” I spat nastily.

“No. For
Christ’s sake, you can’t just leave without me!” he growled,
shaking his head fiercely.

I closed my
eyes and tried to calm myself as I realised I wasn’t going to win
this argument. “Fine.”

I put the car
back into drive and sped out of the driveway. I smirked as he
quickly snapped on his seatbelt and gripped the door handle so
tightly that his knuckles went white. I sped down the narrow lanes
that I knew like the back of my hand until I got to the small row
of shops that constituted Main Street. Taking the last space
available, I turned to look at Ashton. I smiled wickedly at his
tense jaw and straight back.
That’ll teach you for not getting
out of my car!

“I’m just going
to jump out, why don’t you wait here for me?” I teased, knowing
he’d follow me regardless of what I’d said. I leant into the back
and snagged my purse before climbing out of the car and heading
into the florist. While I purchased a bunch of daisies, Ashton
hovered behind me, silently looking around the empty store as if
some knife-wielding madman was going to jump out and butcher
me.

When we finally
made our way back to the car, he winced. “Can I drive?” The
hopefulness to his voice was unmistakable.

I raised one
eyebrow and shook my head in answer, smirking at him.
Maybe next
time you’ll learn and just stay at home.
He groaned, and I
noticed with some measure of satisfaction that he fastened his
seatbelt as soon as he was in his seat before gripping the door
handle tightly again.

A small smile
graced my lips as my foot pressed down onto the accelerator and the
car lurched along the road. Dodging and overtaking cars that were
in my way, I finally arrived at my destination. Ashton glanced at
me quickly as I pulled into the parking lot of the cemetery.
Understanding and sorrow crossed his face, and I tightened my hands
around the steering wheel until my skin pinched and started to
burn.

“Is there
anything I can say or do to make you wait here for me?” I asked
quietly. I didn’t want him here. I needed privacy for this.

He cleared his
throat awkwardly. “I’m sorry, Anna, but I can’t.”

My heart sank.
I took a shaky breath to try and calm myself and then nodded,
grabbed the flowers from the backseat and walked off without
waiting for him. I could hear him a few steps behind, but he didn’t
try to catch up with me. As I walked the familiar path to Jack’s
grave, I stopped to collect any dandelions that I saw on the way.
Finally, I reached it.

JACKSON IAN
ROBERTS

January 19,
1992 - March 12, 2008

Beloved son,
brother, and friend

Taken from us
too soon. We will miss you

Sleep
tight.

I ran my
fingers over the letters of his name before collecting the wilted
flowers and sweeping the fallen leaves from his grave. I put the
daisies on the grass and sprinkled the dandelions over the top of
the marble headstone before sitting down.

I swallowed the
lump in my throat. “Hey, Jack. I just wanted to come and say hi and
to let you know that I miss you, even though you probably know that
already.” I smiled weakly and ran my hand over the grass. “Not much
new to tell you really…” I paused, trying to think of what had
happened since I was here last. “I got my car fixed, so it’s not
making that humming noise anymore. Oh, and I finally threw out my
old sneakers, you know the yellow ones that you hated? Well they
finally ripped and the sole came totally off, so that should make
you happy,” I sighed deeply. “I got a new near guard because Agent
Jenks quit last week. I told you he couldn’t handle it. He only
lasted a month, the lightweight.” I chuckled wickedly. I’d known
that guy wouldn’t last very long; I had seen it in his eyes.

“Er… I got a
text from your mom asking me to come over for dinner sometime this
week but, to be honest, I don’t think I’ll go. I hope you don’t
mind, but I just can’t stand going to your house; it’s just too
hard and I can’t do it anymore. I know you understand.” My teeth
sank into my bottom lip as I tried not to let the sadness take
over. I picked a few strands of grass to distract myself.

“Your brother’s
doing well. From what I’ve heard he’s a real star on the football
field, so maybe those games you two played as kids, paid off.
Apparently, he’s a bit of a ladies’ man too; he’s getting himself
quite the reputation for being a player.”

I looked up at
the sky; it was a beautiful day, perfect, not a cloud in sight. “I
got kicked out of school again,” I said quietly, a little
embarrassed. “I know, I know, it’s the second one this school year
and the semester only started like a month and a half ago. You’re
probably up there laughing your ass off at me, but hey, whatever,
right? Look to the future, that’s what you always used to say. But
it’s so hard, Jack, so hard.” A tear finally escaped down my cheek.
I fought hard to keep them at bay; I didn’t like to cry here, I
didn’t like the thought of crying in front of him in case I made
him sad.

I pinched the
skin on the inside of my elbow to distract myself from the pain
that was building up inside me. “So anyway, as of next week, I’m
going to ASU.” That was the latest college my dad could bribe me
into. “I’m really going to try there because this is the last time
I can start over. If I can’t do it, then I’m just going to drop out
and give up. I know we promised that we’d never give up on our
dreams, but it’s just too hard for me to keep starting over and
over.” I wiped my face and took a few deep breaths, pushing away
the grief that was trying to pull me under. “I won’t be able to
come here as much to see you because it’s a few hours away, but
that doesn’t mean I’m not thinking of you and missing you because I
do that whether I’m here or not, and I know that you know that.” I
smiled through my heartbreak. He had to know how much I missed him,
I told him every day.

I sat in
silence for a few minutes, listening to the birds singing in the
tree nearby. “I guess I’d better go,” I conceded, standing up. I
kissed my fingertips and traced his name one more time. “I’m so
sorry. Please forgive me. I love you, Jack, and I always will,” I
vowed, wiping another tear that escaped. I needed to go before I
broke down; I didn’t want him to see that. “Bye, baby.” I turned on
my heel and walked away.

Ashton was
leaning against a tree about ten feet away from Jack’s grave. He
was close enough to have heard everything that I said, I was sure
of it. His face was the mask of sympathy, but he didn’t say
anything; he just walked alongside me silently.

When we got to
the car, he opened the driver’s door for me. “Will you drive?” I
asked quietly, holding out the keys to him.

“Sure thing,”
he answered, following me around to the passenger side and opening
the door for me before going back to get in his side. After a few
minutes of driving in silence, he looked over at me. “You
okay?”

“Yep,” I lied,
trying to pretend that my heart wasn’t breaking all over again the
same as it did every time I left Jack’s grave.

“I’m sorry I
couldn’t give you more privacy.”

I nodded, not
wanting to talk about it. “It’s fine,” I mumbled, looking out of my
window, swallowing the sobs that were fighting to break free.

His hand closed
over mine in silent support. It was a small gesture and one that
normally would have had me freaking out and my body in a nervous
state, but actually it felt nice, comforting, reassuring, and it
made me feel safe. I squeezed his hand a little as a ‘thank you’
and carried on staring out of my window at the fields and trees
that whizzed past.

As soon as we
pulled into the drive, I saw Dean leaning up against the porch, his
arms folded over his chest and a scowl on his face. Ashton groaned.
“That’s just perfect! Well, it was nice working with you, Anna,” he
mumbled, shaking his head.

I scoffed.
“Yeah right, you think you’ll get in trouble? Dean won’t say
anything, you don’t need to worry,” I assured him, climbing out of
the car.

I forced a
polite smile as Dean pushed himself away from the wall, glaring at
me. “Where the fuck have you been, Annabelle?” he spat.

I raised one
eyebrow. “Wow, language, Agent Michaels, there are ladies present,”
I joked, nodding in Ashton’s direction.

My far guard
didn’t laugh. “Annabelle, how many times do I have to tell you? You
can’t just leave without me. Where the hell have you been anyway?”
His eyes darted around the long driveway, probably checking to see
if anyone saw us.

I rolled my
eyes. “Oh, just chill! I came back, didn’t I? You’re just pissed
because you had to cover for me again.”

His murderous
glare turned in Ashton’s direction. “Why didn’t you tell me you
were going? Shit, Taylor, I know you’re new to all this but I’ll
give you a clue, you’re near guard, I’m far guard, we
both
need to guard!”

I laughed at
his annoyance. Technically he should have been used to this
happening by now; I snuck out at least twice a week when I was here
at the lake house. “Aww, Dean, are you jealous I took him with me
and not you? Are you feeling a little left out?” I teased in a
singsong voice.

Ashton didn’t
look amused; his eyes narrowed in a clear ‘shut the hell up’
warning. “Dean, I didn’t know we were going, I barely got in the
car before she drove off,” he interjected innocently.

My far guard
turned back to me. “Where did you go?”

“That’s none of
your fucking business, Agent,” I retorted, now just as annoyed as
he was.

“Taylor?” he
prompted, looking back Ashton. I looked at my new guard pleadingly,
silently begging him not to say anything. Once the guards knew I
went there when I snuck out, I’d never get peace there again.

Ashton sighed.
“Look, Anna would rather I not say,” he answered, sidestepping Dean
and wrapping his hand around my upper arm. “We’re back now. I
apologise, she apologises, let’s leave it at that. It won’t happen
again,” he said sternly, giving me a gentle push in the direction
of the house.

As soon as we
were inside the house, I pulled my arm out of his grasp. “I didn’t
apologise,” I stated sarcastically.