Nothing Left to Lose (8 page)

He laughed and
nodded. “I noticed,” he replied, smiling. “So, considering as I
just took one for you and kept your secret, how about you show me
this lake?”

I rolled my
eyes. “You haven’t seen the lake yet?” He shook his head in
response. “Come with me.” I turned and stalked towards my bedroom,
listening to him trudge along behind me. When I got to my room I
gestured towards my window and the beautiful view of the lake that
I had. “There it is, Pretty Boy.”

He laughed and
rolled his eyes. “Right, well thanks, but I was thinking we could
get a boat or something, maybe go for a swim? We need to get to
know each other ready for next week. I know nothing about you other
than what I’ve read in your file.”

My heart sank.
A file? I have a file?
“What kind of file?” I asked, not
really wanting to know the answer.

His face fell,
and he shifted on his feet uncomfortably. “Er, well, you have a
file that gave me all the information I need for my job. You know,
like your schools, your routine. A brief overview of your
character. It had some stuff about Jackson.”

I stiffened.
“Jack. He liked Jack, not Jackson. He hated being called Jackson.”
I frowned down at my feet.

“Right, okay.
There wasn’t really that much in there about you and what you like
and don’t like. If I’m gonna pretend to be your boyfriend, I figure
I should at least know some stuff about you.” He bent his head,
trying to catch my eye.

I gulped. He
hadn’t said anything about Carter, did he know about Carter? “Did
it say anything about Carter in my file?” I asked, my voice
breaking when I said his name. Bile rose in my throat. I hated to
talk about him, my therapist made me talk about him which wasn’t
good for my whole staying emotionless plan.

He nodded.
“Yeah it did,” was all he said.

The frustrated
anger came out of nowhere. “Right, of course it did. I should have
known, I forgot that I’m not entitled to privacy anymore,” I
snapped. A tear fell down my cheek, so I swiped it away angrily. I
hated the fact that everyone knew; it was no one else’s
business.

“I’m sorry,
Anna, I needed the information to help keep you safe.” Ashton took
hold of my hand, squeezing it gently.

I snorted,
wrenching my hand out of grasp. “How the hell would knowing that
stuff keep me safe? That’s private stuff, no one should know about
it! I don’t want anyone to know!” I shouted, making him flinch. My
blood felt like it was boiling in my veins. Everyone always thought
they knew what was best for me, but in reality, they all just made
it ten times worse. I didn’t need their pity.

“It didn’t go
into details. Just an overview,” he countered, frowning, looking a
little concerned I was going to break or something.

“Oh, it didn’t
go into details? You want the details, Ashton? You want me to tell
you why I wake up screaming every night? Want me to tell you how I
tried to kill myself by slitting my wrists and the fucker saved me
just so he could live in some little, sick fantasy where we played
house? You want to know that apparently he was in love with me,
love at first sight he said? That’s why he killed Jack right in
front of me, because he wanted me to himself! He had Jack beaten so
badly that I can still hear the sounds of his bones snapping, I can
still see the terrified look in his eyes just before they threw him
over the fire escape,” I ranted, taking a shaky breath.

Ashton had gone
pale.

“You want to
know that exactly a week after my sixteenth birthday, he raped me
and took my virginity? And then he raped me every day after that?
You want to know that he got me pregnant and was so angry about it
that he threw me down the stairs and then kicked me in the stomach
repeatedly until I had a miscarriage? Huh, you want to know that?
Shall I carry on?” I shouted. He flinched and shook his head; his
eyes alight with both concern and horror.

I couldn’t
stop, it was pouring out of me now. “Did it say in my file that I
didn’t leave his house the whole time I was there? That I wasn’t
allowed to eat every day, that if I said something he didn’t like
or didn’t do as I was asked, that he would beat me until I blacked
out?” My chin wobbled at the memories. “Did it say in the file that
he tried to be the perfect boyfriend? Or that he gave me everything
a girl could ask for – designer clothes, shoes, purses, flowers,
chocolates? I had laptops that couldn’t go on the internet. I had
the latest cell phone that could only dial his number. He even got
me a puppy which he let me keep just long enough for me to fall in
love with it before he drowned it in the pool for peeing on the
carpet. Every night in my dreams I see him kill Jack. He was
murdered because of me. Did it say any of that in my file?” I asked
venomously. “Do you want to know what hurts me the most everyday?
The fact that I would have gone with him willingly if he would have
just let Jack go. I would go through that for the rest of my life
if it meant Jack could have lived. He didn’t deserve to die,
especially not because of me,” I whispered, unable to keep the
tears away any longer.

“Anna, I’m so
sorry,” Ashton croaked, stepping forward and wrapping his arms
around me.

I sobbed
uncontrollably against his chest as his arms tightened around me.
I’d never told anyone that; I’d refused to give the police any
details, just the basic facts. I didn’t want to press charges
against him because I couldn’t talk about it; I couldn’t tell
anyone what he’d done to me. And that was the first time I’d ever
mentioned the fact that I’d had a miscarriage.

When I finally
managed to calm myself, he pulled away and looked at me tenderly;
his eyes were soft and warm and filled with compassion. “I’m sorry
this happened to you, but I promise he won’t ever hurt you again,”
he said fiercely, his jaw becoming tight.

I shook my head
at his words. “Don’t worry, Ashton, he can’t hurt me anymore, no
one can. I have nothing left to lose,” I said honestly.

This seemed to
upset him, and a pained look crossed his face. “Don’t say that, I
can’t hear that,” he whispered, looking at me pleadingly. I pushed
him away and stalked to the bathroom, locking myself in and taking
another shower to try and rid myself of the dirty feeling that
always crept over me when I thought about Carter.

When I got out
of the shower, I felt much better. It actually felt good to have
said all of that out loud, for someone to finally know some of what
I went through. I never thought it would, but saying the words out
loud took some of the anger away that was always boiling just under
the surface.

I sat on my bed
wrapped in my towel. So far, Ashton had been nothing but nice to
me, and I’d repaid him by blurting out all of that horrible stuff
and being a bitch to him. My gaze fell on my drawer that housed my
swimwear. I chewed on my lip. I somehow felt like I owed him
something – and he wanted to see the lake. Maybe, just for today, I
could cut him some slack. It would be nice to take in some
sunshine, and I loved the lake too.

I sighed as I
made up my mind. Gripping my hair, I scraped it back into a messy
bun before heading over to my drawers and pulling out my black, all
in one swimsuit. After slipping it on, I covered it with a pair of
baggy jeans and a long tee.

When I knocked
on Ashton’s bedroom door I heard bedsprings creak from inside
before he opened it, seeming surprised to see me.

I smiled
awkwardly. “Hi.”

“Hi,” he
replied softly. He still looked upset.

I took a deep
breath. “So, I’m sorry I went off on one at you. I shouldn’t have
said all those things to you, that wasn’t fair of me, so I
apologise.”

He smiled
weakly. “You don’t have to apologise, Anna. I want you to be able
to tell me things and trust me with it. I promise I won’t say
anything to anyone if you don’t want me to.”

I nodded.
“Thanks. Well, I was wondering if you still wanted to go for that
swim.” I winced, waiting for him to tell me to take a hike or
something for being such a bitch to him. Instead, he grinned and
his whole face lit up.

“Yeah, I do,”
he said cheerfully.

“Okay, well
I’ve asked Sarah to take you,” I teased, laughing.

“Ha ha, you’re
hilarious,” he muttered sarcastically, reaching for my hand and
giving me a tug into his bedroom.

I glanced at
the bed; the pillows were propped up against the headboard, and my
book was face down on the middle of the bed. I grinned and pointed
to it. “So, where you up to?”

“Edward and
Bella have just arrived at the baseball field,” he replied, going
to his drawers and grabbing a pair of black shorts. “I’m just gonna
go put these on. You need to get a swimsuit on or something?” he
asked, heading towards his bathroom.

“No, I’ve
already got mine on,” I answered, shrugging.

“Oh yeah? What
would have happened if I’d said I didn’t want to go?” he asked,
raising his eyebrows.

I shrugged
easily. “I would’ve taken Dean. He was obviously feeling left out
earlier. He wouldn’t turn me down,” I joked, smiling at him.

He laughed and
shook his head. “I wouldn’t turn you down either.” He smiled and
then disappeared into the bathroom.

I sat on his
bed and grabbed the book just for something to do. He had his page
marked so I flicked it open and a photo fell out that he was using
as a bookmark. I turned it over to look at it. It was of him and
four other guys. He had his arm around a blond guy next to him;
they were all grinning and laughing, but that wasn’t the reason why
I couldn’t look away from it.

All five of
them were dressed in black SWAT uniforms. Ashton had a huge gun
hanging off his shoulder and another smaller gun strapped to this
side. He looked so sexy that my mouth actually started to water and
my body started to get hot all over. I couldn’t drag my eyes away
from his smiling face in the photo, he looked so happy. I silently
wondered who the other guys were and if they were close. The
uniform was the hottest thing I’d ever seen.

“Hey, don’t
lose my page.”

I jumped a
mile, shoving the photo back into the book and snapping it shut. I
hadn’t even heard him come back into the room because I was too
busy perving on his photo. “Er yeah right, I won’t.” I dropped the
book quickly, praying I wasn’t blushing.

“You ready to
go then?” he asked, folding two towels and putting them under his
arm.

“Yep. Did you
want to take a row boat over to the floating dock?” I asked as we
walked through the house.

“Sounds good.
Let’s stop and get snacks first,” he suggested, rubbing his flat
stomach in a small circle. His hand closed around mine as we walked
and I looked down at it, unsure what to think or feel. His plan was
to hold hands a little each day so that I’d get used to it before
we went to school, but I hadn’t expected it to actually work. But
with his warm hand wrapped around mine, I realised that I actually
quite liked the feel of it.

After a quick
stop in the kitchen to grab several packs of cookies and chips,
some fruit and a couple of bottles of water, I led him through the
vast grounds and over to the little jetty around the back of my
parents’ property.

“Which one do
you want to take?” I questioned, nodding at the row boats that were
tied there. They were all the same, just painted different
colours.

“How about
blue, that’s my favourite colour,” he said and I smiled as he
climbed into the boat, setting down the bag of food he’d insisted
on carrying.

When he turned
back to help me, I scoffed and knocked his hand away. “I’m not some
damsel that needs everything doing for her,” I muttered, shaking my
head as I jumped lightly into the boat.

He sighed
dramatically and sat down. “Right I forgot, Little Miss
Independent.” He rolled his eyes, smiling at me.

I grinned and
grabbed the oars, starting to row in the general direction of the
floating dock. “You can row back,” I offered, chuckling at his
disgruntled expression.

“You’re not
letting me be very romantic,” he grumbled, crossing his arms in
mock annoyance.

“Why the hell
would you want to be romantic?” I asked, laughing.

“Well, I’m not
making a very good impression on our first date, am I?” he replied,
pouting.

Oh my God,
date? He doesn’t think this is an actual date, does he?
“This
isn’t a date,” I said quietly.

He laughed.
“Yeah, it kinda is. You are my girlfriend after all,” he countered,
shrugging.

I stiffened at
the word ‘girlfriend’. “No I’m not. My boyfriend died. You’re just
doing your job,” I retorted, glaring at him angrily.

His face
dropped and his eyes tightened. “Anna, I was just kidding. I meant
if people ask, we can say this was our first date. I mean, we’ve
gotta have stories and stuff, right?” he continued cautiously.

I sighed and
ignored him, rowing harder until we reached the floating dock that
was almost in the middle of the lake. When the boat bumped against
the edge of the dock, he jumped out, tying it securely before
holding his hand down to help me up.

“I don’t need
your help,” I protested, annoyed again.

He sighed
deeply. “Listen, Anna, this is what guys do for their girls. We
need to start acting like a couple now so that it’ll be easier next
week. It’s not a big deal; I just want to help you out of the boat.
Please stop being difficult,” he countered, grabbing my hand and
helping me onto the deck. “Jeez, you’re stubborn.” He shook his
head, laughing. “Most girls would’ve fallen for my charm by now,”
he boasted, smiling at me.

I snorted at
his cocky attitude. “If you’re expecting me to fall for you, then
you’re going to be very disappointed,” I said seriously.