Nothing Left to Lose (6 page)

“I won’t hurt
you, I promise. Trust me,” he whispered as he took his hand off of
my mouth. My tears were still falling so he wiped them away gently.
“I just wanted to show you that you need me. I want to protect you.
You need me, so please don’t keep making this difficult. I won’t
leave you like the others,” he said softly.

I looked up
into his deep green eyes, and I could see the sincerity there; they
were kind, caring, and gentle eyes. They were the complete opposite
of the brown eyes I’d been envisioning a few seconds before. I
believed him. Ashton wouldn’t quit after a week, and he wasn’t
going to hurt me.

“Okay, but
please get off me,” I begged, my voice trembling as I spoke.

“I will, but I
think this is good for you. You can’t go through life on your own,
afraid to let people touch you, afraid to let people in, in case
they leave you. What happened to you won’t happen again, I
promise,” he said, looking pained.

I closed my
eyes and let the tears fall. The grief, pain and disgust returned
in droves. I’d been able to push the pain away for months now,
refusing to acknowledge that I was forever broken, just walking
around like an emotionless zombie; the only thing I allowed myself
to feel was anger.

“Do you need me
to get off, or can you cope for a couple of minutes?” he asked
quietly.

I took in a
shaky breath. “Please don’t hurt me,” I whispered, turning my head
to the side again.

“I won’t.” He
let go of my hands, but I couldn’t move; it was like my body was
frozen in place.

I still felt
sick, but for some reason I trusted him. I didn’t want to, I
genuinely didn’t, but I couldn’t help myself. He didn’t move at
all, didn’t even shift his weight. I kept my eyes squeezed closed.
I knew he was looking at me but I wanted to stay in control, and
the only thing that was keeping me in control of myself was
counting his heartbeats that I could feel against my chest.

After a couple
of minutes, he pushed himself off me and stood up. “See, you did
great. I just need you to trust me,” he congratulated, offering his
hand to help me up. I rolled on to my side and pulled my knees up
to my chest in the foetal position as my body suddenly racked with
sobs. “Oh shit! I’m sorry, Anna! Why didn’t you say? I would’ve
gotten off, I swear!” he gasped, sounding horrified, making no
moves to come near me again.

“Just leave, I
just want to be on my own,” I begged. I didn’t want him here; he
was making everything worse with his stupid, nice guy attitude and
cocky, good looks.

Silence filled
the room for a few seconds before he finally agreed. “I’ll just be
next door then. I’m really sorry.”

I didn’t open
my eyes until I heard the click of the door. Weakly, I crawled up
the bed, pulled the soft pillow over my face, and then screamed
until I lost my breath. Thoughts were rushing through my brain too
fast for me to comprehend: Why did I not mind him being on top of
me? Why did I let him do that to me? And most importantly, why did
it upset me when he moved away?

Guilt. It was
eating me up inside because I’d just enjoyed another man’s touch. I
felt so guilty that I wanted to vomit.
Oh God, Jack, I’m so
sorry! I won’t let that happen again, I promise,
I mentally
chanted in my head.

I rolled over
and picked up the photo that I had by the side of my bed. Jack’s
handsome face greeted me, making me feel even worse for letting
Ashton touch me. We were just fifteen when the photo was taken,
merely a year before everything turned upside-down. We were at the
beach. He was smiling his beautiful smile and had his arms wrapped
tightly around my waist. I was laughing at something goofy he’d
whispered in my ear just as the photo was taken. Everyday I wished
I could remember what it was that he’d said. I rubbed my thumb
across his face. I missed him so much; it was like a knife in the
heart everyday.

That night I
cried myself to sleep – something I hadn’t done for months.

I woke up
screaming. I’d been dreaming about Carter again as usual. My heart
was pounding in my ears as I sat up, panting, trying to get my
breath back the same as I did every night. I raised my knees up and
put my head between them.

Suddenly my
door burst open and the lights flicked on, almost blinding me. I
whimpered in surprise but looked up to see Ashton in just his boxer
shorts. His eyes were darting around my room. He held a gun in one
hand, pointing straight out in front of him; his other arm was
across his body, and he had a wicked-looking knife in his hand. His
expression was totally focussed and murderously angry. He looked
like a mean SWAT agent now, not a pretty boy model.

He crossed the
room in a split second. “Get up and get behind me. Now!” he
ordered. I instantly jumped out of the bed, wondering what was
going on. Was someone in the house?

As soon as I
was behind him, he started backing up, making me move with him. I
almost stumbled and gripped my hands on his hips to steady myself.
We backed up until I bumped into the wall behind me, making me
whimper. He pressed his back against my chest, shielding me with
his body as he continued to scan my room.

“Shh!” he
hissed. I whimpered again and clamped my hand over my mouth,
pressing my face hard into his bare back to silence myself.
“Where?” he whispered fiercely. “Where are they?”

I pulled back
so I could take my hand off my mouth. “Where’s who? I don’t know,”
I whispered back, pressing into his body, trying to melt into
him.

“Who was in
your room? Why were you screaming?” he questioned, clearly confused
now too.

Realisation
washed over me. “Oh shit! You came in here because I was
screaming?” I breathed a sigh of relief as the shock slowly faded
from my stressed body.

“Yeah… what?”
He shook his head, still scanning my room for danger.

“Nothing, it’s
nothing. I was dreaming. I’m sorry.” I felt like a complete loser
in that second. Everyone had moved bedrooms so that I was the only
one down this end of the hall because I woke up screaming every
night. I hadn’t even thought about waking Ashton up. Everyone else
just ignored me now.

He turned
around to face me, looking concerned, still standing close to me,
his chest almost pressing into mine. “You were dreaming?” he asked
quietly. I nodded in response. He blew out a large breath and
swapped his knife into his gun hand so he could drag his hand
through his messy bed hair. “Holy fuck. You were screaming as if
you were being murdered,” he said, looking at me, wide eyed.

“Maybe I was,”
I murmured.

He raised his
hand and brushed some hair over my shoulder before taking hold of
my hand. “It’s because of what I did earlier, wasn’t it?” he
muttered. His voice was full of remorse.

I shook my head
fiercely. “No, it wasn’t,” I assured him. “I have nightmares every
night, it had nothing to do with you,” I promised. He squeezed my
hand gently, sending little tingles up my arm. I frowned, noticing
how I didn’t hate that he was touching me. Maybe it was just
practice, like he’d suggested. “Maybe you should change rooms.
There’s another room upstairs, you won’t hear me then.” My eyes
dropped to my feet as heat flooded my face from embarrassment.

“Do you dream
like that every night?” he asked, bending his head to look into my
eyes.

“Yeah,” I
nodded. “But I don’t want to talk about it, so please don’t ask.
I’m sorry I woke you up.”

His green eyes
locked on mine. They were strangely calming. “I don’t mind that you
woke me up. I just wish you’d let me try and help you.”

Help me? No one
could help me; it was too late for that. The only person that could
help me had died.

“You can’t.” I
put my hand on his chest and pushed him away from me. He was
standing so close and I was getting hot, trapped in the corner. I
needed some air.

“I can, you
just need to let me in,” he said, catching my hand again.

I groaned in
frustration. “Ashton, please just leave. I just need some air or
something. I’m sorry I woke you, I won’t go back to sleep again so
you can get some sleep.” I stepped away from him, needing a little
personal space.

He shook his
head adamantly. “You can go back to sleep. I’ll watch over you.
That way you might not have any more nightmares,” he suggested,
gripping the back of my dresser chair and pulling it to the side of
the bed.

I laughed
incredulously. “And that’s part of your new job description?” I
shot back sarcastically.

He shook his
head, turning on my bedside lamp before walking over to switch the
ceiling lights off. “Nope. But I want you to feel safe with me so
I’ll do whatever it takes.”

I scoffed,
watching as plopped himself down in the chair. “So you’re going to
watch me sleep?”

“Yeah,” he
confirmed, setting his gun and knife on the floor at the side of
the chair.

I gulped at his
stern expression. “Ashton, seriously, please just go to bed. I
won’t wake you again.” I reached over and picked up a book from the
side and got comfy on my bed to read it.

He sighed
deeply. “Look, when you get to know me, you’ll know that once I’ve
made my mind up about something, there’s not much that can change
it. Now I’m either gonna sit here and watch you sleep, or I’m gonna
sit here and watch you read,” he stated, smiling at me cockily.

I frowned as I
read his expression. It was deadly serious; he wasn’t going back to
sleep either way. We glared at each other for a couple of minutes,
neither of us wanting to back down. Finally, I sighed deeply,
knowing I’d lost. What he didn’t know was that I would still have
nightmares with him sitting there anyway, so this little thing was
pointless. My father had already tried sitting in the room while I
slept; nothing helped. I’d tried everything, drugs, hypnotists,
yoga; nothing had any effect on them. Maybe Ashton needed to find
that out the hard way and lose a night of sleep before he’d give up
trying to help me.

I sighed and
tossed my book in his direction. “Fine. Wanna read that?” I asked
as he caught it.

He grinned and
looked at the cover. “You like vampires?” he asked, holding up my
battered and abused copy of Twilight.

I smiled back.
“I like that one,” I admitted, settling back into the bed and just
watching him flick through to the first page. “Good night.”

“Night, Anna.”
Sitting there reading, in just a pair of black boxers, I saw no
sign of the badass from minutes before, he was back to male model
again now.

I closed my
eyes and willed myself to sleep, knowing that it wouldn’t come
easy. It never did.

I woke in the
morning after having one of the best night’s sleep I’d had in
years. I had laid awake for ages with my back to him, listening to
him flipping the pages of the book. But the thing that I remembered
most about last night was the moment I realised he’d fallen asleep.
Ashton Taylor, easily the most handsome man I had seen in a long
time, snored. And not just a little, quiet snore either; it was a
loud chainsaw-type sound. For a long time I’d laid there, giggling
to myself, as I watched him with his head propped against his hand,
his legs folded under him and the book abandoned on his lap. It was
actually a cute sight. I’d eventually fallen asleep too, still
hearing the sound of his snores even in my dreams. It was nice
actually because it was like they’d stopped me from going into a
deep sleep. I hadn’t had any more nightmares last night, just like
he’d hoped.

I sighed
contentedly and looked over at him still slumped in the same
position. He would probably suffer for the awkward position all day
long. I smiled weakly and pulled the sheets up around my shoulders
as he stirred too, wincing as he moved and blinked a couple of
times.

“Hi,” I
greeted, unsure what I was supposed to say. This was a first for
me.

“Morning,” he
yawned, sitting forward and arching his back, letting out a little
groan. “You sleep okay?”

I smiled and
nodded, wondering if I should tease him for snoring so loud. I
decided against it, after all, he
had
attempted to stay
awake all night so I could sleep. It wasn’t my place to make fun of
him after he’d forgone his bed for me. “Actually, yeah I did.
Thanks,” I answered sheepishly.

He grinned
triumphantly, swinging his legs off the chair and standing up,
stretching. Without my permission, my eyes instantly raked down his
body, taking in every inch of his perfection from his tanned skin,
his chiselled abs and the little V-line that disappeared down into
his underwear. I gulped and closed my eyes quickly before he caught
me watching him.

“You think I
could maybe borrow this so I can read the end?” he asked.

I opened my
eyes to see him awkwardly holding up my book. I smiled and nodded,
noting his obvious embarrassment that he was enjoying a book aimed
predominantly at teenage girls. “No need to be embarrassed, you
can’t beat a good vampire novel. I’ve got the other three as well
if you want them.”

He laughed and
shrugged. “I’m not embarrassed; I’m just waiting for the teasing to
start because I read a chick book.”

“Chick book,” I
laughed at his derogatory choice of words, sitting up and shaking
my head.

He smiled and
nodded back towards the door. “I’m gonna go grab a shower.” When he
bent down to retrieve his gun and knife from the floor, my eyes
sneakily dropped down to his behind. I arched one eyebrow in
appreciation. The back view was actually just as good as the front.
After collecting his weapons, he strutted across the room, pulling
open the door. Before he could leave I called his name, making him
turn to look at me expectantly.