Nothing Stays In Vegas (28 page)

Sara Beth sat in a chair by the window. She was working on a project from her ever present knitting bag. The needles clacked as they worked, but she wasn't paying attention to her work. Her eyes were fixed on Uncle Ray; the worry in them evident. 

In all the three years that Sara Beth had been part of our lives, I'd never known her to look tired or lacking in energy in any way. She was always dressed in a track suit or some other clothing that would allow her to stay active and keep moving. Even at sixty, she prided herself on running 5-10 kilometres a day. I'd taken her up on her invitation to join her for a run only once. Keeping up with her pace left me gasping for breath and clutching my chest, but she'd never left me behind. Her supportive words of encouragement kept me from quitting. 

Sara Beth was the most positive person I knew, and not in that fake, syrupy way. She had a genuine kindness about her, and I don't think I'd ever heard her utter a negative word. When I watched her, sitting in the corner of Uncle Ray's room, she didn't say a word, but I could see that she was just as terrified as I was.  

"Tell me how they're gonna do it," Ben pleaded and hopped closer to the bed knocking the table on his way.

Andrew caught the dinner tray before it crashed to the floor. It was still full of food, if you could call what they were allowing Uncle Ray to eat, food. He put the tray out of harm's way on the counter on the other side of the room and said, "Ben, for god's sake-" 

I shot him a look and he changed tracks. "Come here, Ben," Andrew said, his voice much softer. Ben did as he was told and walked over to where his...where Andrew sat. Much to my surprise, and probably Ben's too, Andrew scooped him up and sat with him on his lap close to the bed so he could see Uncle Ray without jumping up. Ben let Andrew hold him. For the moment he was content to sit still. 

Watching them together, the way I'd always wanted them to be, I wanted to cry. Or scream. Why now? 

I couldn't deal with it. I couldn't deal with anything. I needed to get out of there. The walls of the room seemed to grow even closer if that was even possible in the tiny space. I turned in a circle, trying to think of a reason to leave.

"Mrs. Titan? Lexi?" Patricia, the nurse, poked her head in the room.

"Yes?"

"You have a phone call." 

"A phone call? Where?" I glanced at the crowded table next to Uncle Ray's bed. It was covered in tissues, magazines and flowers, but no phone.

"At the nurses station," Patricia said. "We don't usually accept personal calls, but the gentleman insisted it was important."

Leo.

I turned around to look at Ben who was deep in discussion with Uncle Ray about one of his monitors. Andrew however was watching me intently, his eyes full of questions I couldn't answer. 

Not now. 

I turned again and followed Patricia out of the room.

###

I'd almost given up hope when Lexi's voice came on the line.

"Leo?"

She knew.

"Of course," I said. "How are you? Is your uncle...is he okay?"

"He's okay right now. But he needs surgery." I could hear the tremble in her voice and I longed to hold her, to be there to comfort her. "Leo, I'm sorry I le-"

"No. You have nothing to be sorry about. You need to take care of this."

"I meant to call, there just never seemed to be a good time. And I can't have my cell phone on here. It's just...something always came up and..."

She started to cry. I could hear her sniff and swallow as she tried to control herself. 

"Lexi, I'm coming." I hadn't planned it, but as soon as I said it, I realized I need to be with her. 

"I don't think that's a good idea right now."

I swallowed hard. I couldn't push her. She had too much to worry about. "I want to be there for you. I want to support you through this. You shouldn't be alone."

"I'm not alone."

Jealousy flared through me. "Of course," I said, "you have Andrew."

"Leo, don't. Please. Don't do this. Not now."

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."

My body ached with the need to touch her. To reach through the phone line and hold her close, and let her cry. 

"I can't do this right now, Leo," she said and I could hear the pain in her voice. 

"What are you saying? You can't do this now? Or ever?"

The silence on the line grew. For a moment I was afraid she'd hung up. "Lexi?"

"Leo, I ca-"

"Lexi," I rushed the words out. "I love you. I..." My voice cracked. "I love you," I repeated because it was all I could do. 

"I just can't think about this right now. I need to focus on Uncle Ray, it's just not a good time. It's too much. Everything is...I'm sorry, Leo."

"Don't, Lexi...please," I said.

But it was too late. 

She was gone.

###

I walked down the corridor stunned. I couldn't feel my feet, but the kept moving. The walls seemed to be closing in around me.

Had I really just hung up on Leo? I'd said I couldn't deal with it, but...could I deal without him? 

The door to Uncle Ray's room was open, so I slipped inside. Andrew looked at me and started to rise but I shook my head and he settled back into the chair. I stood against the doorway and took a deep breath.

"The first thing they do is knock me out," Uncle Ray was saying to an enraptured Ben. 

"They hit you?" Ben asked.

"No, they use these cool drugs to make me fall asleep."

"Won't you wake up?"

"No way, they make sure I'm really asleep. And then, when they're sure that I'm sleeping, they cut me open."

"Cool," Ben said. "Where?"

"Right here." Uncle Ray drew a line with his finger down his chest. "Then they take these big things, they look like nut crackers and they split my -"

"Okay," I said. "I think that's enough of a description for right now, Uncle Ray."

"Aw, come on, Mom." 

"Come on, Lexi," Andrew said mimicking Ben's tone. 

"Ya, come on." Uncle Ray joined in.

Fresh tears sprang to my eyes. I swiped at them and turned away before anyone could see, but it was too late.

"Hey, Lex," Uncle Ray said. "We were just kidding."

"Well it's not funny." I whirled around. The tears were coming hot and fast.

Andrew stared at me and looked for a minute like he wanted to say something. Instead he looked down at Ben who was staring open mouthed at me and said, "Hey, buddy. Let's go find some hot chocolate."

"Hot chocolate!" Ben jumped down and ran for the door, pausing long enough to wrap his arms around my legs for a quick hug before racing out into the hall.

"I think I'll join you," Sara Beth said and put her knitting aside. She gave me a quick kiss on the cheek as she passed and whispered in my ear, "Spend some time with him, honey. You need this. You both do."

Andrew stared at me from across the room and again looked again like he wanted to say something but he only shook his head and walked past me without saying a word. 

I stared at the door after everyone left. I knew Uncle Ray was going to say something about my tears. He'd probably tell me everything would be okay and not to worry and all the rest of the crap that people tell you when they don't want to see you cry.

"Lexi?" 

Here it comes. I ignored him but the sound of his voice only started another round of tears.

"Lexi," he said, softer this time. "Come here. I'm a dying man, don't make me beg."

I whirled around flew to the side of his bed. "You're not dying," I said. "You're going to be fine."

He laughed but the sound lacked its usual heartiness. "I just said that to get you over here."

"That wasn't nice." I smacked his shoulder, just hard enough to make my point. "Don't ever do that again."

"It worked didn't it? Now sit." 

I did as I was told and pulled a chair close to his bed so he wouldn't have to turn his head to look at me. 

"Are you going to tell me what's going on, or do I have to guess?"

I shot him a look and grabbed the corner of the bed sheet.

"It's not like I have a lot of time here, Lexi." He gestured to the wires coming off his chest. 

"Stop it. I told you it's not funny." I focused on twisting the sheet around my fingers until the tips turned purple.

"I'm serious," he said. "Now talk to me. What's going on?"

"You're lying in the hospital waiting for major heart surgery, isn't it obvious?"

"Stop." He took hold of my hand forcing me to stop twisting. "This you can handle. You're tough. A little heart attack isn't going to derail my Lexi. No," he said. "There's more. Now spill."

I looked up at him. "How do you know?"

"I know you, Miss Muffet." Unshed tears shone in his eyes when he used my special name. He hadn't called me that in years. Not since the early years after my parents death. He started using the nickname when I first went to live with him because for some reason it made me smile when almost nothing else would. 

It still worked. I smiled, then opened my mouth and told him the story of Leo, from the beginning. 

He didn't say a word as I spoke. On one occasion, I thought he might actually be sleeping. His eyes were closed with only his chest moving up and down. When I stopped talking for a moment his eyes snapped open, and I knew he was listening. When I got to the part about telling Leo the truth about ben, I started to cry again but didn't bother to wipe the tears away, there was no point. 

"Well," Uncle Ray said when I was done. "That's quite the pickle you've put yourself in. But I have to say, Lex, I just don't under-"

"Understand how I could be so reckless? How I could do something totally and completely irresponsible like get pregnant on holidays and then hide the truth from my husband? I'm such a fool. You must think I'm awful."

"No," he said. "I don't think you're awful. In fact, I'm wondering what I did so wrong in raising you."

"Pardon me?" I pulled back and stared at him.

"Lexi, did I teach you to deny yourself love?" he asked, but didn't wait for an answer before adding, "Maybe it was my fault. I tried so hard to do right by you, to give you all my attention. But I never did give you the example of a proper loving relationship. I guess I always thought it was enough that your mother and father had that."

What was he saying?

"This was not your fault, Uncle Ray," I said. "I know how to love, I didn't give it up."

"Didn't you?" His question pierced me. "Isn't that what you're doing again?"

"No." I shook my head. 

"Lexi?"

"It's not," I said. "It's different. I just can't deal with all of this right now." I tried to block out the memory of Leo's voice on the phone. "It's too much."

"Then when? You can't put off living forever. One day it'll be too late."

"Don't say that."

He chuckled, but the sound was weak. "I don't me mean me." Uncle Ray rubbed my hand and his touch inspired a fresh bout of tears. "One thing makes sense though," he said.

"What's that?"

"I've been asking you for years why you stay with Andrew when you're both so obviously unhappy. Now I know."

"He's not a bad man."

"No, Andrew's a good man," he said. His voice was soothing and calm, a sharp contrast to my own. "But just because a man is good, doesn't mean he's good for you." 

I turned away. 

"And now that I know the truth, it makes more sense. You're a good girl, Lex." He patted my arm but still I didn't look at him. "You're raising a great boy. And you didn't do anything wrong when you met his father." 

I swallowed hard.

"But you did do wrong when you lied to your husband. And you've done wrong to Ben's father and to your own heart. You don't need me to tell you what you already know. It's time to make it right, Lex."

I knew Uncle Ray would tell it to me straight. He never minced words. I turned back to him and took his hand. 

"And, Lexi?" 

I nodded. 

"It's okay. You don't need to punish yourself anymore."

"I don't know what you're talking about." 

"Yes you do. It's clear to me that this man Leo lights a spark in you. I can see it when you say his name. You don't have to deny yourself that love because of a mistake you made many years ago. Take it from me, Miss Muffet, life is shorter than you might think."

"Don't talk that way." I adjusted the sheet over his chest so I wouldn't have to see the electrodes fixed there.

"Well, what good am I if I can't impart my wisdom on you?" he smiled. "I waited too long to find Sara Beth. She's a good woman, and she makes this old, clogged up ticker sing." He released my hand to pat his chest. "I haven't had as long with her as I'd like and I wouldn't trade any of it. But if I have one regret, it's that I waited too long to let myself find love. Don't make my mistake, Lexi."

"But, Ben." 

"Ben's a strong boy," he said. "And he deserves to know the truth. You can't deny that boy a real father any longer."

"And Andrew," My throat clenched at the thought of what I needed to do.

"It's not going to be easy..."

"But it's necessary," I finished for him. "He deserves the truth too."

He nodded, waited a beat, and then smiled. "I did do a good job," he said. "Now tell me about this Leo. Does he love you the way I think you love him?" 

"
Lexi, I am fully and completely in love with you. I always have been." 

"There isn't a doubt in my mind," I said remembering.

"Then, I think you know what to do. For all of you."

I nodded. 

"Don't let your life pass you by, Miss Muffet. Please," he whispered the last word and when I looked up I saw tears shining in my strong uncle's eyes.

I pulled my chair as close as I could and wrapped my arms around him. Careful of the wires and tubes, I snuggled next to him, as close as I could, and like a little girl, I let him hold me until both of us had exhausted our tears.

Chapter Twenty-Seven