Nothing Stays In Vegas (29 page)

Two days later I picked out the suit Uncle Ray would be buried in. 

Only a few hours after I'd left his bedside, and only six hours before he was scheduled to have his life-saving surgery, he'd suffered a second massive heart attack and died in his sleep. I felt the loss even before Sara Beth called from the hospital to give me the news. 

Andrew helped me tell Ben who asked a million questions before breaking down into tears when he realized his Papa wouldn't be coming home. A little boy's heart breaks hard and I held him tightly while he cried angry, loud tears. When Ben had sobbed himself to sleep, Andrew carried him to bed and then settled me on the couch with a soft blanket and a cup of tea. He sat in the chair across the room. Even in tragedy, the gulf between us couldn't be breached.

"How are you doing?" he asked me.

"I don't know if it's hit me yet," I said. "But I'm okay. More okay than I thought I'd be. We had a good talk and I'm glad I had that time with him."

"When you want to talk about it, you know I'll be here, right?"

I nodded. My eyes fixed on the crystal vase Andrew had filled with tulips, Uncle Ray's favorite, and brought into the living room for me. "You're a good man," I said echoing Uncle Ray's words. 

"But not the one for you," Andrew said. It wasn't a question. 

It wasn't the right time to talk about this. Not today. I focused on the vase. It represented love, real love. 

Uncle Ray's words rang in my head.
"Don't let your life pass you by." 

No, it was the right time. 

"I'm sorry," I said. 

"Don't be," he said, resigned.

I took a sip of my tea letting the warmth fill me. "Ben," I said after a moment forcing myself to look at him, "he's not yours."

I was ready for him to yell at me. I was ready for him to scream, rage, cry, get up and walk out. I was ready for anything. I held my breath and waited.

"I know," he said quietly. "I've always known."

"Andrew, I...what? What did you say?" 

"Lexi, I've always known Ben's not mine," he said the words calmly and looked me in the eye the whole time he spoke. I would know if he was lying, making up a story to hurt me but there was only truth reflected there. 

"How?"

"Well, he looks nothing like me," Andrew said and laughed a little. 

Did he think this was funny? I felt detached from my body, like I was floating above the couch. I clenched the mug, needing to feel the burn of heat on my skin.

Andrew's face changed; the moment of levity gone. "I know because I can't have children, Lexi. When you told me you were pregnant, I knew that there was only a very slight chance that the baby could be mine. And when he was born, well...I think it's obvious he's not mine."

"Why didn't you say anything?" 

"I loved you. You know how much I wanted to be with you. I would've done anything."

"But if you knew the baby wasn't yours..."

"I assumed it was just an indiscretion on your part," he said. "We all make mistakes."

I shook my head. "No," I said. It wasn't like that. I refused to think of Leo as an indiscretion. And Ben? My baby? He was not a mistake. Trying to steady myself, I focused again on the crystal vase.

"Well, if it-"

"Wait a minute," I said. My mind raced over what Andrew had just told me. "You said you knew Ben wasn't yours because you can't have children?"

"That's right." Andrew shifted in his seat.

"And you knew that when we got back together?" 

He hesitated then nodded, just a little.

Taking care, I put my tea on the side table. "You lied to me." I pushed the blanket off my lap and swung my legs to the floor. "When I came back from Vegas, you agreed to try for children," I said trying hard to control my voice. "You said you'd changed your mind. That we could try."

"As it turned out, you were already pregnant."

"That's not the point." I waved my arm. "Why can't you have children, Andrew?"

"Lexi," he said. "I don't-"

"Why?" 

"I had a vasectomy."

Bile rose in my throat. I swallowed hard. "When?"

"After we split up."

"So when you came to me, begging for me to take you back, to make our marriage work, when you told me you were ready to start a family, you already knew you couldn't? Is that right?"

He nodded. "I didn't want children. I wanted you."

Anger clouded my vision. "How could you do that to me?" I spoke through clenched teeth. "You knew how badly I wanted a baby. You knew what it meant to me. What were you going to do when we didn't get pregnant?" I was yelling now, the battle for control lost. "Were you ever going to tell me or were you going to let me go through fertility treatment and years of heartbreak?"

He stood from his chair and stood in front of me. "Well," he said his voice laced with bitterness, "that wasn't an issue after all, was it?"

Before I could stop it, my arm flew out and my palm made contact with his cheek. The crack of my skin on his flesh echoed in the room. He didn't touch the flaming red mark on his cheek just narrowed his eyes at me and said, "I'm not the bad guy here, Lexi. You can stand there and pretend that what I did was awful and heartless and everything else you want to call it. But try to remember your role here."

"Get out."

"You're the one that screwed around and got knocked up." I didn't recognize him, the venom in his voice. 

"I want you to go."

"You're no saint, Lexi."

"Get out," I said again.

"Opening your-"

I couldn't listen. I needed to shut him up. Before I could think it through, I reached forward, grabbed the vase and heaved it as hard as I could. With a crack, it hit the wall, missing its mark.

We both stared at the mess.

"Lexi," Andrew's voice shifted. 

"Just go." My voice shook but I stood my ground.

"I need to know for sure. Is he Ben's father?"

 I could hear the pain in his question and I hated myself for it. 

I turned away so I wouldn't have to look at him. "Yes," I whispered. "Leo is Ben's father."

I kept my eyes fixed on the sofa and traced the pattern in the fabric with my eyes, following the thread until I heard Andrew's footsteps and the gentle click of the front door as he left.

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Surrounded by boxes, I didn't have time to think about the mess I'd made out of my life and I was grateful for the distraction of sorting through Uncle Ray's things. Sara Beth had helped for awhile, but it quickly became clear that she wasn't ready. With a flood of apologies and tears, she made her exit earlier that morning, leaving me on my own to sort through the condo and Uncle Ray's few possessions. 

I was almost done with the bedroom, which was pretty easy since I'd decided that most of Uncle Ray's clothes were going to goodwill, when I heard the front door open.

"Lexi?" Nicole called.

"I'm in here." I pulled myself off the floor just as she poked her head in the room.

"Hey," she said. "How're you doing? You handling everything okay?"

I nodded. Ever since the funeral yesterday, when I cried more than I thought possible, I'd done a pretty good job of keeping it together. 

"I'm doing okay," I said honestly.  "What're you doing here? Shouldn't you be with Ben?" Nicole and Ryan had been wonderful, giving up their honeymoon to help me out. With Ben. I didn't feel right asking Andrew to take time off work. Especially after everything. Nicole had hardly left my side until today when she insisted on taking Ben to give me a chance to take care of things. 

"Ryan and Ben decided to go to the zoo."

"More like Ben decided and dragged Ryan along," I said. "Will he be okay?"

"Are you kidding? Ben loves Uncle Ryan." She smiled. "Besides, it'll be good practice for him."

"What? Are you?" 

Nicole blushed. She never blushed. "Well, not yet. But soon hopefully. We're trying."

"Nic, that's awesome news."

She stepped over the garbage bags full of clothes and I pulled her in for a hug. "You'll be a great mom," I said.

"Well, I'm not yet." She rolled up her sleeves. "Right now I'm going to be a great best friend. What do we need to do?" 

"Thanks, Nic," I said. "I mean it. Thank you for being here. "

"There's nowhere else I'd rather be." 

We worked together, bagging clothes and sorting items. Every once in awhile, something would trigger a memory and I'd break down. So much for holding it all together. 

"Do you want to keep this?" Nicole asked and held up a bulky sweater.

"I made that for him," I said. "I was thirteen and I didn't have enough money to buy him a present, so I bought yarn, needles and a learn to knit book." Nicole handed me the sweater and my vision blurred with tears as I looked at the uneven rows, and dropped stitches. "He wore it too," I said. "He even wore it last winter."

"It's a great sweater," Nicole said. "Let's put it over here." She took it gently out of my hands and put it with the fishing vest I'd set aside to keep for Ben. She grabbed a box of tissues and worked her way back through the clutter to where I was sitting.

I wiped my eyes and Nicole got back to work.

"Ben's doing pretty good," she said as she stripped the sheets from the bed. "All things considered."

I wiped my tears. "He has his moments. Sometimes I think he's still waiting for his papa to walk through the door. He doesn't totally understand."

"Give him some credit," Nicole said. "He's smart kid and a good kid. He'll be okay."

"I hope so," I said. "He's got a lot more changes coming."

Nicole sat on the mattress. "About that, what's going on with Andrew?"

"We haven't had a lot of chances to talk about it."

"No, I guess you wouldn't," Nicole said. "The timing kind of sucks, doesn't it?"

I nodded. "But it had to happen. And in a way, Uncle Ray gave me the courage to confront Andrew. He basically told me to make it right and that life's too short."

"He was right."

I looked away so I wouldn't start crying again.

"So, what now?" Nicole asked. "I'm assuming you've talked about divorce."

I nodded. 

"What did Leo say?"

"Not much," I said and it was true. When I'd called him the morning after Uncle Ray died, I started the conversation by asking him to please not ask about us, and he'd respected that. Just hearing his voice made me feel better, it soothed me, but I couldn't make any decisions about the future. Not yet. 

"But you told him about Andrew, right?"

I nodded. "I told him everything."

"So when is he going to be here?"

"It's not that easy, Nic," I said and grabbed another bag from the pile. "Leo has a life there. A successful career. He can't just pick up and leave."

"Are you seriously telling me that he's not coming?"

I didn't answer her because I didn't know. Leo told me he'd be on the next plane to be here for me. He wanted to come, and I knew he would. But I wouldn't ask that of him. I knew how important his career was to him. After all, hadn't he chosen it over me once before? I wouldn't ask him to make that choice again.

"It doesn't' matter," I said and busied myself putting socks in a bag.

"It absolutely does matter, Lexi," Nicole said. "You know it does."

I didn't look up. 

"Lex?" 

I put more socks in the bag.

"Lexi, why isn't he coming?" 

When the socks were gone I tied up the bag and moved to the closet.

"Lexi." Nicole's voice rose an octave. "Cut it out, right now."

"What do you want me to say?" I slammed the closet door and turned to face her. "Are you waiting for me to say that I called Leo and he can't wait to drop everything and be with me? That we're going to live happily ever after and everything will be okay?" I looked at her hurt expression and felt a stab of remorse but I couldn't stop. "Because if that's what you're waiting for, don't hold your breath. It's not going to happen. This isn't a fairy tale where everything turns out the way you want it."  

"Lexi..."

"Nicole, don't." I held up my hand. 

"Have you even discussed it?"

I whirled around. "No," I said. "We haven't discussed it. I can't ask him to give up everything for me. He's worked so hard for what he has there. Besides, what would I say, Nic? I mean, come on. It's not like this is your regular everyday relationship."

"It doesn't have to be hard."

"Pardon me, if I don't share your optimism. Not everyone's life is so easy."

Nicole reeled as if I'd slapped her. "I didn't deserve that."

"No." I softened. "You didn't. I'm sorry."

"Besides, it's not optimism," she said. "I've seen you two together. He loves you, Lexi. God, I wish Ryan loved me like that."

"What?"

"I mean," she remedied. "Ryan loves me, I know that. But it's different. Lexi, the way that man looks at you. The way his eyes go somewhere far away whenever he says your name...that's something else. That
is
a fairy tale. You don't find that every day."

"I don't know what you're talking about," I said. I turned away from her so she couldn't see my face.

"The hell you don't," Nicole said grabbing my arm and forced me to look at her. "You know exactly what I'm talking about because you're the same way with him." 

"Nicole, don't."

"You know what?" she said. "I think I will." She stood in front of me and her five foot four figure seemed to fill the room. "I think I'll say exactly what I need to say."

"Pardon me?"

I don't think she heard me. 

"I need to say this, and you need to hear it, Lexi Titan. Leo is in love with you like I've never seen before. He's the kind of in love that you read about in romance novels. The kind you tell your daughters about in the hopes that they won't settle for less. He's the kind of in love that means nothing else matters. Not jobs, not countries...nothing. Leo is in love with you in the way that women around the world dream about at night. And
you
are throwing it away."