Number Theory (3 page)
I didn’t just say the words, then go through
the motions. I truly let go the whole
someone for everyone
notion and felt completely at ease with the world around me. Also,
I made a remarkable discovery. Most of my life, up to that point,
was done in halves. This is what I mean: Half of me would be doing
something, while the other half was wondering if it would make me
look appealing to the someone for me. As I moved through that
lovely Saturday in October, I realized that I had been living only
halfway. Everything I did, I did with an eye to that mythical
someone for me.
I walked into a bookstore and, for the first
time in as long as I could possibly remember, and, yes, I admit my
memory is a little addled due to consumption of... things... but,
seriously, for the first time, I
looked
at
books
.
Books to
read
. I didn’t go to the section that would make me
look most interesting and approachable. I looked at books I
wanted
to read. Then I bought three books and, in the next
two weeks, I read them all.
I stopped at a new coffee shop on the way to
work, to get
coffee
. I didn’t go because of its location and
the girls at work had said there were nice-looking men there. I
went to the market to buy groceries in my sweats and a
Frankie
Says Relax
T-shirt. Why? Because frozen peas don’t give a rat’s
puckered behind if you’re not wearing makeup, that’s why.
I stopped living in halves and began to focus
on what was in front of me, to focus on life. I started fully
living. Sure, yes, I know, it sounds cliché to say it, but is there
anything more cliché than,
there's someone for everyone
? If
I was going to live a cliché, I might as well live one that wasn’t
so deeply damaging, right? So, the cliché I lived and, I mean it, I
started to truly live.
For the first month, everything was a
discovery. I went to movies – alone - something I never did before
because I always felt it projected an image that was not conducive
to allowing the one to find me. Sweet heaven, I sound like a
rejected fortune cookie. Anyway, I
love
movies. And popcorn.
I was finding myself saying this sentence all the time: “Why
haven’t I done this before?” It struck me, like a kick in the gut,
how sad it was that I had missed so much. That I had been living
only half a life, waiting for someone, another one, to make me
whole. I didn’t dwell very long on the sorrow. Instead, I moved
forward, and I lived the way one should live, fully, completely and
in the moment.
***
I went to Henry’s wedding, alone. He had a
math theme. Seriously, the cake was a cube, and there were math
games on the tables and the vows they exchanged were full of math
references that, well, I didn’t get at all. But, they did. The two
of them, bride and groom, standing in front of everyone, they
exchanged their math vows and giggled and kissed. They were perfect
for each other, there was no doubt in my mind. There was no
jealousy either. There was no backslide. I didn’t suddenly return
to my old ways and rekindle the belief that there was someone for
everyone. I simply saw Henry and his new bride as two people who...
Well, they just
added up
. And I had a wonderful time. I
danced because I really
can
dance, and not just with gay men
either.
Spoiler alert here: I did
not
find the
man of my dreams and marry him two months later. No, I just had a
good time at Henry’s math-tastic wedding.
***
A year later, when I walked into work one
morning, there was an envelope on my desk. I opened it to discover
it was an invitation to Karen’s wedding. Karen, of
causing me to
ignore my omelet
, fame. Since the time I met her boyfriend,
walked outside and let it all go, I had come to discover that I
really liked Karen and that she had become, truly, a dear friend.
All of her optimistic life outlook which, before I let go, seemed
to me to be a facade, turned out to be true. She was an optimist,
and she was funny, sweet, kind and someone I grew to admire.
One time, in the kitchen at work, after we
had become actual friends, I confessed my previous dislike of her.
I told her I used to think she was false and putting on a brave
face and, I don’t know, playing a role. I told her that I disliked
her. She laughed and said that I had tried to dislike her but that
my heart was too good, too kind, too clear to really feel that way.
She told me and, I swear, I believed her, that she saw the real me,
and she liked the real me, and she would always be a friend to the
real me.
Her wedding was a blast. Again, I went alone.
Again, I danced. Again... I did not meet the man of my dreams and
get married two months later. Something wonderful did happen
though: Henry and his wife were there. Yup, turns out, they knew
Karen’s husband and so, they were invited to the wedding.
Late in the evening, after some drinks, we
were sitting at our table, and Henry told the story of the party I
threw for him. He spoke with this, I don’t know, deep, passionate,
tone. He told everyone, his new bride, Karen and her new husband,
how he was aware I didn’t know anything about the achievement, that
I knew only it needed to be celebrated and how much that affected
him and his life. He told us all that, because of the care I showed
him, it gave him confidence to make his presentation to Hilary, his
wife. He told me he had done the math and that he saw the inner
workings of my heart and that he would always be my friend.
When I stopped living half a life. When I
stopped keeping an eye on the door, hoping the someone that I
thought was promised me would walk in and take me, allow me to
start living, I actually did start living. I spent more time with
friends, just being with them, basking in their love and admiring
their relationships and finally, without jealousy or pettiness,
feeling great happiness for them. I stopped worrying about being a
third wheel or avoiding parties because I didn’t have a date. My
friendships deepened, my awareness grew, and my happiness suddenly
arrived, alone, without sentimental promises. I was finally living
a real life as a whole person. It was like waking up from a very
long, very troubling dream and realizing I never had to dream that
dream again.
***
One summer night, I was at a party. Henry had
just published another book on mathematics, so he and Hilary had a
weekend long party at their beach house. As I was sitting on the
beach, in front of a huge fire, watching the white strips of surf
vanish into the sand, looking around the circle of friends,
drinking, laughing, being present, I realized that I was very
lucky. I realized that, after stopping this silly quest to find
that one someone, I had found many, many someone’s. I had found
people who filled me, inspired me, loved me, and I didn’t have to
give away half of me to get it. That was a truly wonderful
moment.
I got up, got drink orders and walked back to
the house, filled with the glow that comes from allowing the
universe to do its work and hearing a wonderful life lesson. I was
happy, and more than content. I was living fully and never going
backward again.
In the kitchen, I opened another bottle of
wine, gathered a few beers and then, the door opened. I turned to
see a very fine looking man walk into the room.
“Hi,” he said. “I’m Michael, Henry’s brother.
I hope I’m not too late.”
Spoiler alert...
Michael and I have been married for three
years now.
***
Thank you for reading! I hope you have enjoyed this
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