Nurse in Waiting (25 page)

“But—I don’t understand?” queried Joanna.

Shuan’s eyes widened. “D’you mean—no one has told you? Didn’t
Roger
tell you?”

“About his accident? I knew that you were out riding together when his horse shied and threw him.”

“You didn’t know that it happened because I was playing the fool on my mare? That Roger had asked me to ride quietly because his horse was tetchy and frisky, and that he was having difficulty in holding him in? I laughed and teased him about his being able to manage anything under a rein, and I
deliberately
tried to egg him on to join in some fancy stuff. His mount wouldn’t stand for it, and almost the next thing I knew was that Roger was thrown, and that it was my fault! D’you mean that Roger never told you?”

“No. He didn’t tell me.” If Shuan’s story were true, Joanna felt utterly humble before Roger’s loyalty of silence.

“I thought you knew, and that you were
judging
me as I felt everyone—Mums and everybody—was
doing. Sometimes I felt I hated people for it
—
But it helped to set my teeth and to determine that, to make up for what I’d done. I’d give—and give
—
and give—to Roger until no one would dare to judge me, because I should have—expiated what
I’d done in the first place. Then you came
—”

“
—And you began to feel hurt and unwanted and in the way,” asked Joanna gently.

“Yes. And then I began to feel that I must get away at any cost. That was when I talked to you
...
I thought that
then
Roger might miss me, might want me back. I thought you knew all about the accident by then, and perhaps I did say that about caring for him because I wanted you to realize how much you had usurped
my
place with him. But I didn’t mean I loved him. I couldn’t. He’s always
been like my brother
—”

“Poor Shuan! You do live intensely, don’t you?” Joanna’s voice was tender and full of understanding.

“What do you mean?”

Joanna hesitated, wondering how to express, without hurting the girl’s feelings, all that exaggeration of emotion, of self-dramatization which she seemed to bring to her every act. She said slowly: “Well you cared about the accident more than anyone need; and you tried to serve Roger perhaps even beyond your own powers. Then there was all this about Justin—am I right in thinking that you wouldn’t even appeal to Roger about the sale of Deirdre the mare, because of some sort of guilt you still felt over the accident?”

Shuan nodded. “Yes. I—do seem to make trouble for myself and—everyone, don’t I?” Her lip quivered. “Am I
like
that, Joanna? Shan’t I ever be able to help it?”

“I don’t know. But I think that people like you, who live so deeply and care so much, may bring as much happiness as they’re likely to bring trouble to those they love. You’ve made
René
very happy, Shuan. Won’t you tell me about that? How long have you known that you were in love with him?
”

“I think I knew soon after we began to train Lady of Belmont for the Show. Before that, I had been flattered by his wanting to be with me, to do things for me. Then, when he began to help me with Lady of Belmont, we began to talk
...
He told me about Belgium and I told him about when I was a little girl
...
and he knew what I felt about Roger. And then, one morning, he kissed
me
—”
Joanna, watching could see that Shuan was
wrapped about in the radiance of that memory. “And I told him not to be silly. And—he didn’t do it again. It was after that that I knew I wanted him to
—
and that I wanted everything we were doing together then to go on all through our lives. I knew I couldn’t bear it if it didn’t. I dreaded the thought that he should stop wanting me. But when I began to go about with Justin he made no sign. So I had that to put up with too, as well as what all the rest of you were thinking about me! And it wasn’t until today that I knew he had never stopped loving me, and that I had never stopped loving him!”

Shuan’s voice sank to silence. Then, half shyly, she glanced at Joanna. “That’s what it was like for me. Joanna, when—when you go back to London, I hope it’ll be like that for you too.”

“When I go back to London?”

“Yes. When you marry that man you’re engaged to.”

“But I’m not engaged to anyone!”

“Well—sort of. I mean that man you went to see in Dublin—the one who came out to Carrieghmere.”

“But I’m not engaged to him. I never was. And I expect by this time he is married to somebody else
—”

“Oh, Joanna, I’m sorry! I didn’t know—truly I didn’t. Do—do you mind terribly?”

A half smile played about Joanna’s lips. “No. You see, though we had always been good friends, it wasn’t ‘like that’ for us. It never had been, and we were fortunate enough to find out in time.”

“How did you find out?”

“I think it was by being away from each other for a while when I came over to Eire. Things seemed to fall into focus better
...
and I began to be afraid that Dale and I were missing something. And when I saw him again it was like trying to blow upon dead ashes, hoping that just a single spark would glow for us. And when it didn’t, the only thing to do was to admit that—the fire had never been alive at all.”

“You had never been in love!” said Shuan with an air of clarifying the matter.

Joanna smiled. “No. We had never been in love,” she echoed.

Again Shuan said impulsively: “Joanna, I’m sorry. You see, I was terribly jealous of you at first
—
you were so capable and cool and everything that I wasn’t—and even when I began to like you and be grateful to you for Roger’s sake, I didn’t seem to be able to show it. But today I know that I want you to be happy—wherever happiness lies for you. Do you suppose,” she added ingenuously, “that that’s because, if they let me marry
René
, I know I’m going to be so happy that I want to share it?”

“I expect so. Happiness is like that—it has to bubble over. But don’t worry about me, Shuan. I shall be happy. I’ve got my work. And my mother used to quote a Spanish proverb which said, ‘When one door shuts, another opens’. When Dale
and I parted we shut a door on something which had never existed. One day another door will open
—
for me.”

It was the same philosophy which she had expressed to Roseen that morning. She had guessed then that she had voiced it as much for herself as for the younger girl. In the days to come she would have to remind herself of it often. And it would help
...

But Shuan was savoring it too. She repeated
slowly: “
‘Another door opens
’—
D’you know, in
a way that’s what has happened to me? I mean, I made that sort of vow to myself that, because his accident was my fault. I’d sacrifice everything to Roger. And then you came, and I was hurt because I could see how much more value you were to him than I was and how he was beginning to care for
you
—
So that it was like another door opening
for me when I suddenly found that none of it mattered so much after all, because I was falling in love with
René
—”

She stopped at sight of Joanna’s blanched face. Joanna said rather shakily: “You use the words ‘care for’ in strange places, Shuan!”

“But I don’t! Not this time. I mean them. I mean that Roger was falling in love with you. I knew it. He knew it himself. It was when he learned about the man in London that he began to fight against it. You could see it happening. He didn’t
want
to go on loving you when you belonged to somebody else. Roger is proud
—
and that’s the way his pride works
—”

Joanna stood up. “That’s not true, Shuan. You’re letting your imagination run away with you. In any case, even if it were true, you would be betraying his confidence by telling me
—”

“I would not! Roger has never talked to me about you. It’s something that I just
know
about him. You probably think you have to snub me, because of professional etiquette or something. But I want Roger to be happy. Even when I was hideously jealous of you I’d have tried to be glad if he had asked you to marry him. I mightn’t have succeeded very well then. But I’d be terribly glad now.” Suddenly the smudged greenish-blue eyes clouded with tears of sheer weariness, and Joanna put a protective arm about the girl’s thin shoulders as she drew her towards the door.

“
René
and Michael will be waiting. Let’s go home,” she said gently.

But Shuan held back. “You haven’t said whether, if he asked you now, you would say yes,” she accused childishly.

It was Joanna’s turn to be conscious of a wave of utter weariness. “Shuan,
please
!
You don’t understand. There are a dozen reasons against it!”

“But would any of them matter,” asked Shuan simply, “if there were just one reason on the other side
—that you loved each other
?”

Joanna
’s glance dropped before the importunate innocence in the shadowed eyes raised to hers. She said, in a tone which was meant to be brisk with finality, but which was merely sharp with unspoken pain: “Roger doesn’t love me. He never has done. He is longing for me to leave Carrieghmere
—”

“He told you that? But don’t you see that was only his pride talking? That he must have made up his mind that he can do without you, if he must?”

“No. I’ve never been any more to him than a crutch he is able to discard. And it is Carrieghmere that matters to him now.”

“If he had been able to believe that you loved him he would have
shared
Carrieghmere with you
,”
said Shuan slowly. “Joanna, you’ve said that you don’t think he loves you. But—do you love him?”

It was the question Joanna had dreaded. And though she made no answer in words she was conscious that her very silence might have told Shuan too much.

In the car, when they were still miles from Carrieghmere, Shuan began to shiver uncontrollably.
René
wrapped a rug about her and tucked his own coat round her shoulders. But Joanna could tell from her racing pulse and flushed face that she was at the outset of a fever which would need more than mere blanketing. She urged Michael to drive at top speed again, knowing that time was all important in getting Shuan to bed and under Dr. Beltane’s care.

Upon their arrival at Carrieghmere she was to realize that, as she had feared, their decision to leave no message for Roger had been unwise. For it seemed that, on his own arrival home, Roseen had been waiting for him with an excitable tale of woe of which he had been able to make little sense.

His greeting was uncompromising. “Where have you been?” he demanded. “What has Shuan been doing?”

“Roger
—”
His name was no more than a
sigh of exhaustion upon Shuan’s lips. By now the girl was near to collapse, and Joanna’s protective arm about her shoulders tightened its clasp.

“Shuan isn’t well,” she said briefly. “I’m going to put her to bed and I’d like Dr. Beltane called at once, please.”

She turned away, drawing Shuan with her. She sensed that Roger had resented her authoritative tone. But after a moment’s hesitation he said quietly; “Very well, I’ll see to it.”

Shuan began to cry softly, and Joanna, glancing at
René
, knew that he was longing to comfort her. She said gently: “
René
, will you tell Mr. Carnehill
al
l that we know ourselves—all that Shuan has told us?”

René
nodded gratefully. “Immediately! She—she will be—all right?” he added in a whisper.

“Very soon, I hope. But she is very, very tired!”

She took Shuan up to bed then and as, with the unhurried skill which was second nature to her
c
ool hands, she performed the deft tasks which made all the difference to the girl’s comfort, she told herself that in her work alone would she find, one day, the
serene c
ontentment which would overlay pain. For while you worked you had no urge to think ... to question ... to remember. And day-long, healthy tiredness might even banish dreams
...

She stayed with Shuan until Dr. Beltane came. When he had examined her and they had left her room together, he commented: “Well, she’s in the sort of nervous condition that would give the ‘come hither’ to any wandering germ. She lives at a great rate, to be sure. What do you suppose she has been up to lately to get herself into that s
t
ate?”

“She has been worrying needlessly. But principally, I think, she has been falling in love!”

The doctor’s astonishment was gratifying. “Falling in love, eh? Bless my soul, what’s the new generation coming to? When I was young we took that sort of thing in our stride—we didn’t run temperatures over it! And where in the bog would she have found anyone to fall in love
with,
when she’d not take a second glance at the Belgian fellow spreading himself to make a mat for her feet?”

“It is
René
Menden,” smiled Joanna.

“You mean—she’s taken him? And to think that I was sorely tempted to tell him his technique was all wrong—that the girls don’t want ‘em faithful
—
they’d rather have ‘em masterful any day! Looks as if I was wrong—I’m glad I didn’t interfere. But tell me, is she being crossed in love? Is the family proving difficult?”

“I don’t think anyone knows, so far. It was only today that they admitted to each other that they both wanted the same thing.”

“And where’s the young man now?”

“He is with Mr. Carnehill. Mrs. Carnehill should be back from Dublin soon—Michael will have gone
to meet her train
—”

She broke off as at that moment Mrs. Carnehill came hurrying upstairs looking puzzled and worried. At sight of them she exclaimed:

“Joanna, what has happened? Michael was late meeting me, because he said he’d had to be driving you and
René
more than half-way to the border
—
that you were following Shuan somewhere! He said you had brought her back—
‘
and she, unable to stand on her feet at the latter end’—that’s how he put it—and he had some version of his own that she had been trying to run away with
Justin,
though,
of course I, knew that couldn’t be true
—”

The fear that Michael’s story might indeed prove to have some truth in it spoke in her face, and Dr. Beltane put a reassuring arm round her shoulders. “And for what,” he demanded, “would she be running away with a man like McKiley? Rest easy now, Ena Carnehill! All that’s wrong with Shuan is that she has a little fever that she won’t be long getting over, though Nurse here tells me she’s also got a little fever of another kind that she won’t
want
to be getting over!”

He chuckled flatly at his own joke, but Mrs. Carnehill’s bright face creased into greater bewilderment than before. “Robert Beltane, don’t be exasperating! What has Shuan been doing?”

Joanna put a hand upon her arm. “
René
has asked Shuan to marry him, and I was there when she said Yes,” she said quietly. “
René
is with Mr.
Carnehill now, explaining everything, but Shuan was taken ill suddenly and I brought her straight to bed.”

“Shuan?
René
?
But what’s all this about Justin? Oh, dear, let me go to the child
—
!”