Obnoxious Librarian from Hades (5 page)

It is Friday morning, 11.25 PM in the library and I reminisce about my job. Sometimes people will ask me: what is it that drives you in your job? What makes you wake up every morning and immediately feel empowered, energized and challenged to go to your desk for another day at the grind?

And my answer is always: the library customers. For them I constantly update policies to make life more difficult, make systems more complex, install yet another layer of bureaucracy and in general make them work for me.

Customers– they provide me with so much entertainment, like little busy ants in ant farm. Once in a while you shake their world and enjoy seeing them scramble around. No, if it were not for the library customers I would seriously consider moving to a job in finance as they have customer disengagement down to an art.

Just the other day, a customer called me while I was just in the middle of reading the wanted ads in “Library cataloguing monthly”. I looked at the phone display and noticed it was one of the new hires, who just started this month. It is very important to manage their expectations as otherwise they keep bugging me:

“Library”

“Hi, this is James from account development. I would like to request access to the confidential reports collection.”

“James, did you fill out the form on our intranet?”

“Well, ehm, I could not find it….”

“It is very easy. Go to the front page. Click global services. Select your business area. Enter your location code. Click the little small, blinking, moving dot in the bottom left hand corner of the screen, just below the edge of your browser window.”

“Oh, ok, but I need access today as I need to analyze a bunch of reports for a meeting tomorrow.”

“James, first of all you did not use the magic word “please”. Secondly, the service level agreement clearly stipulates that every request for access to the confidential reports will be handled within 3 working days. That is, if you filled out the form correctly, otherwise it will be ignored without warning.”

“But.. but…”

“But James, I understand your situation. You’re young. You’re new. You need to deliver to crawl up the corporate ladder. So you need a better service than the normal service – you want the Very Important Customer service with dedicated expert librarian support and guaranteed turn around time.”

”YES!”

“ Ok James, now we are talking. Let me see what the special price would be for you… mmmm…. Skip the form and handle the request by phone, that would be 2 extra large boxes of Oreos. Skip required permission procedure, that’s either washing my car or cleaning my windows at home. Immediate authorization of your access: a yet to be defined favor which I can request at(?) any time in the future.”

The secret to life is making it work for you.

It is Monday morning, 10.15 PM in the library and the mailroom just delivered the package I have been eagerly waiting for. Finally, the extended edition, director's cut DVD box of “The Librarian” in high definition and with surround sound has arrived. Now I can see the adventures in their full glory as they were meant to be. However, neither at home nor at the office do I have the equipment to enjoy this cinematic spectacle in all its beauty. Mmmm.

The library does have a small multimedia room that was used to show training videos - yes, real videocassettes with magnetic tape. I now use these as amusement for the new hires library tour. I make them guess how long the magnetic tape is in one cassette and then we measure it by pulling the tape across the hallways. As my first library teacher always said: "show, don't tell".

I now mostly use the multimedia room to store my collection of autographed famous librarian photos. My most priced possession is an autographed picture of Nancy Pearl, with a thoughtful motto on it as well: “Shush first, ask later”. This year I am hoping to expand my collection by getting an autographed picture of Stephen Abram at the annual Special Library Association conference. I would also really like to have one from Meredith Farkas, but I am too shy to ask her.

I walk over to my manager's office and walk in while I roll my eyes and sigh deeply. He pretends not to notice me and feverishly keeps typing. I look over his shoulder and say: "Hey, if you are using your calculator, you can only use numbers - no full sentences." My boss turns around annoyed and waves me to his small conference table. He wants me out of here as quickly as possible as I just caught him chatting with the new secretary in HR, but he quickly alt-tabbed to Microsoft Calculator when I looked over his shoulder.

"So, make it quick - I have a strategic alliance group meeting in ten minutes."

"Well, you know our multimedia room is completely out of date and unused? The Knowledge management & learning group thinks that is such a shame and now want to set up their own state of the art multimedia room next to their offices."

"What? No way. We in IT own multimedia, they should stick to their wishy washy story telling and playing around in Second Life. Sheesh."

"For 9k we could completely refurbish the room and then use it to offer a multimedia, cross-platform, fully interactive learning experience - heck, I'll even volunteer to take the lead and set up a program of regular sessions. I am sure that our board would be impressed when IT takes the lead to enhance skills and offer social networking.”

“Mmmm, are you sure you can do it for 9k? If it’s below 10k, I can put that on the training budget which comes from the learning group – so indirectly they pay for it and we get the credit.”

Of course I did my homework regarding the costs. I already contacted my buddy in meeting services. He made a good deal with the plasma TV vendor who is eager to get his foot in the door with a multinational like Hades. So for a steal we will get two 52” plasma high-definition TV’s, a professional state of the art projector, a multimedia centre, a surround sound set and two social interactive experience facilitation computers (read: an XboX360 and a Nintendo Wii).

So pretty soon the library will open the new multimedia room with an exciting line up of sessions:

Monday: developing leadership skills and overcoming obstacles

(Illustrated by the showing the complete “Lord of the Rings” trilogy)

Tuesday: the future of information technology and virtual worlds

(Illustrated by the showing of the “Matrix” trilogy)

Wednesday: developments in leading edge computer graphics

(Illustrated by playing the latest video games)

Thursday: information management: protecting the assets

(Illustrated by the showing of “The librarian” and “The librarian II”)

Friday: the power of improvisation to survive in a changing world

(Illustrated by showing a series of Roadrunner cartoons)

It is Tuesday afternoon in the library and I am catching up on library gossip on twitter whilst listening to the polka version of Van Halen greatest hits.

Suddenly my l-user (library user) radar goes of. Sheesh. There is a real flesh and blood customer at the library counter. So you build them a virtual library with online databases, web 2.0 interfaces, step-by-step wizards for every information request possible and they come to the library. What is it with these people? Don't they realize I need peace and solitude for my world domination plans?

So first I try to ignore him by staring at my computer screen. But it's not my day, the customer still is there and shuffles his feet. I pretend my phone vibrates and act having a dull conversation that could go on a long time. But the customer does not flinch and now starts to scrape his throat and looks at me with growing impatience.

Well, we better get this over with then. I put down the phone and walk over to the counter.

”Hey – next time feel free to send us an e-mail – my time is precious, but since you are here now… “

“Well, I just wanted to loan this book, so could you do that for me please.”

“Hmmm. Why?”

“Why I want to loan this book? I need it for my project.”

“How do you know whether this is the right book? Did you check all the available books in the world against a set of weighed criteria and now you are SURE this book is THE book with the right information?”

“Well, no, but judging from the title and the back cover, this seems relevant for my project.”

“Excuse me mister hot shot – if we all just went around loaning books just because it SEEMS relevant based on the title and the back cover, I may as well loan out ALL books instead of keeping them safe & sound here in the library”

“But you're a librarian – you should loan out books… ”

“And that is where you are wrong – I personally hand picked this whole collection of books over the years, carefully catalogued them according to the highest standards, lovingly placed them on the right shelf right next to their book peers, I dust them with tender care every week and make sure the room is exactly the right temperature and humidity. When I loan out a book, you touch it without gloves, make marks in the book, leave it unattended and you crack the spine!

And let me just check the system – you already have two books on loan. Why do you need a third book? Will you just come in every day and look what might happen to be relevant? I will not put up with careless loaning, mister!”

(At that time I wish I could create some foam around my mouth for extra effect)“Ok, I am sorry, I didn't know you felt so strongly about this. I'll put the book back on the shelf.”

“Heck no. A non-schooled librarian is never ever allowed to put a book back. Very likely you would put the book in the wrong place, messing up the whole shelf, the library and subsequently the library universe. But what else can I do for you?”

“Ehm. Nothing. I just wanted to loan this book.”

“No extra requests like a complex literature search or professional advice on how to structure a wiki?”

“No, not really… ”

“So let me get this straight. You come down to the library *just* to borrow a book? Do you know I have a masters degree in library and information science? I graduated with honors from a top library school and received praise for my thesis 'Investigation of machine performance by information dimension: Types, frequency, and sequencing of errors made during human-machine interaction'. I have created the world's foremost online corporate library presence, combining state of the art taxonomies with breath taking visual search interfaces, built on top of a world class selection of online information sources, including never before seen parts of the deep web and previously unknown gems from our own legacy information, long thought lost for mankind. And all of that within budget and on time, defying the laws of the universe. AND YOU WANT ME TO LOAN YOU A BOOK?”

And another customer leaves the library, feeling empowered now to use the self-service.

It is Monday morning, 9 AM in the library and I am happy to see that the bit torrent files over the weekend have come in with the complete series of the Australian TV show "The librarians". I have a dedicated data communications linkup to the Internet for regular back ups of the vital records to our offsite storage provider, so I had to stop that. You have got to have priorities in life.

Just when I walk down the corridor to the nearest coffee machine (or well, a machine that produces a brown, lukewarm liquid almost, but not quite like coffee) a poster catches my eye: "Don't forget - we're leaping ahead to be #1 in the industry!". Oh yeah. I almost forgot, the bi-annual reorganization will start this week - just what I need.

Like in most other organizations, a reorganization is not so much aimed to improve the organization as it is a ritual, a rite of passage for Hades Corporation. Everybody knows it is a regular experience and it is an important event in our office lives that would be boring without them. Everybody knows his role and we reflect back on previous reorganizations, with moving stories about those who did not survive the '97 Quest for Performance. Staff measures each other’s credibility on the number of reorganizations they have survived.

Like any important ritual, a reorganization has rules, which must be adhered to:

1. Every reorganization shall reverse the previous reorganization

What is decentralized, must be centralized - or vice versa. If we are organized by industries, we will be organized by regions - or vice versa. The more daring organizations organize into multidimensional organizations, defeating anyone to understand whom they report to;

2. Management will provide only vague updates

A reorganization will always start with rumors - a best practice is for management to fuel contradicting rumors. After that management will create a communications plan with the intent to use as much words possible without saying anything at all. Perfect examples would be:

"Considerable progress has been made in engaging key stakeholders on different levels. A proposed roadmap has been developed outlining the way forward. Interface concerns are currently being evaluated and addressed in subcommittees."

"Management is excited by the enthusiasm of all staff to embrace this change. Several constructive challenges have been brought to the table which will be evaluated."

Always stress that questions are welcome, but never ever answer them in the required detail;

3. Never evaluate the previous reorganization

Whatever promises were made about increases in profit, cost savings or life altering goals - thou shalt never evaluate the previous reorganization. That was done by a previous manager in the past and therefore can be ignored. It is wise to ignore any lessons learned from that reorganization as obviously times have changed so dramatically that they do not apply for this reorganization;

4. Task force

Management will set up a task force to do the actual work of the reorganization. Not only does this leave more time for lunch, golf and backroom meetings, it also creates a clear group which can take the blame. The best task force has a number of external consultants, which can be fired easily if the situation requires a clear statement to the organization;

5. Freeze

During the reorganization preparation, the transition and "settling in period", there should be a complete freeze on budgets, filling vacancies, new projects and any important decisions. Not only does this save money, it also helps the employees focus on how on earth they will do their jobs instead of worrying about whether they will still have a job in the future;

6. Deny downsizing

The only important thing employees worry about is their job. Management should not spoil the surprise too early in the reorganization but keep everyone on his or her toes. Always deny downsizing, but feel free to discuss that rightsizing and right sourcing are under evaluation;

7. The right person for the right job

A best practice in many industries is to reduce all positions in any skill pool or team by one and then have all staff apply for the available jobs. A bit like musical chairs. This clearly motivates the employees to apply for the job they have been doing for years and stimulates a healthy competition based on skills, experience and guts.