Obnoxious Librarian from Hades (7 page)

It is Friday evening, 10 PM and I am back in the library where I haven't been for a week. I have put "Mess of blues" of the late Jeff Healey on the sound system and walk around the library, happy to be back between the books, bound journals and humming servers. It has been a roller coaster week… .

Exactly a week ago I was ready to leave for a long weekend when the phone rang. The extension that showed up was "CEO office", which seemed strange to me. Being at the bottom end of the food chain, I was rarely called by the powers that be in the plush offices. Curiously, I picked up the phone.

"Yeah, library here - make it quick - I need to be home on time to watch the documentary about the unknown, yet crucial role of the Dewey classification in the underground secret information sharing during WWII."

"Mr. Librarian. This is Gil R. Moralious speaking, I am chairing the committee to select a new CEO for Hades Corp, as you may know."

"Gil, that's great - you are considering me for the job, I assume?"

"No, Mr. Librarian. Unfortunately that is not the case. I am however calling you regarding a promotion which I am sure you would be interested in. I just looked at your career so far in Hades Corp, and found out that in all your years with our exciting company you have always worked in the same role, in the

same low level job group."

"Well, Gil, this "exciting" company really does not have a career path for librarians - but of course I am more motivated by challenging projects, stimulating intellectual peer groups and the utter fulfillment of working for Hades."

"Then you are the right person for the new job that just opened today, which will offer a unique career perspective in a challenging top level environment where you will constantly encounter paradigm shifts. You will be the strategic information enabler, facilitating top executive knowledge interchanges."

"Ok, Gil, let's cut the crap - what is this all about?"

"Mr. Librarian, we have identified the ideal candidate for the future of Hades. In utmost confidence I am revealing to you that we are about to appoint Prof. Dr. Joyce Fedizko MBA BWG III Jr as our new CEO. As you will know, Mrs. Fedizko is one of the world's leading CEOs who has single-handedly revolutionized the coffee sweetener, paper clip and stuffed animal industry. We are convinced she will bring Hades Corp back into the top quartile market position. However, she is a tough negotiator. We have already tripled her current salary, offered her a custom designed Lamborghini and exclusive use of the company Learjet. Yet, she wants more. She wants to become the world's most exclusive CEO and is now asking for the next CEO status symbol: a personal librarian."

"Huh?"

"Yes, apparently Mrs. Fedizko was bragging about our offer to her CEO peers earlier this week on the golf course. Bill Gates was not impressed, as he revealed to her that he has a personal librarian. She now considers this the prime fringe benefit. So we looked in our files, and as you are the only librarian in Hades, we would like you to become the CPL - Chief Personal Librarian."

Of course, there was a catch. I would assume the new position immediately, but the talent enabling department (formerly know as HR) could not for some reason put me in a higher pay grade. That would however be solved with the right number of forms, signatures and secret handshakes.

So on Monday morning I started my new career as CPL. After my acceptance, Mrs. Fedizko had accepted Hades' offer and sent her instructions to the interior design department. They worked all weekend with my guidance to remodel two existing meeting rooms on the top floor into a smaller copy of the old British Library circa 1904. So think antique book shelves, leather chairs, golden railings and copies of Da Vinci drawings.

I was given an obscene book budget to acquire first editions, rare and signed editions of books. Also, Mrs. Fedizko had her personal collection shipped to me, existing of signed biographies from every important head of state, business hot shot and celebrity she ever met.

It was like a dream come true, this superb collection and only ONE potential customer. Who would travel all over the world and hardly be around to disturb the tranquil silence in the library.

The other great part about the job description was being present during selected strategic meetings, feeding Mrs. Fedizko with vital information. I would sit next to her in the top level suite with my laptop. Whenever someone else started talking, I would quickly pull up relevant information via the information sources available at my fingertips. With a distinguished thumbs down I could indicate to Mrs. Fedizko that her opponent was lying, or I could whisper strategic information in her ear when she was contemplating an answer.

Yes, it was a great week. Unfortunately Mrs. Fedizko quit already on Thursday. Apparently the company Learjet had been painted in the wrong shade of pink, her Lamborghini's ashtrays were full and her personal aura reader convinced her that Hades Corp board members had a horrible influence on her chakras.

But I am happy to be back where I belong. And since most of the CEO book budget was already spent, that superb collection is now all for me to enjoy…

It is nearly 4 PM in the library on a cloudy Tuesday and the legendary "Journey - Live in Houston 1981" concert in the superb 5.1 surround sound mix is blasting through the library. Yeah, "Who's crying now"… . or should I say "Keep on runnin'" regarding the situation that I had to deal with earlier today…

It all started last week when the phone rang, with "private number" in the caller id display. Which in itself is not a good sign. Sometimes it is a user who wants to stay anonymous. Usually they will call because they want something that they should be perfectly capable of achieving themselves. And if they cannot achieve it themselves, they should not want it in the first place. Some may say I am not user focused, I say I am managing demand.

And if it's not a user whining about something or the other, it is someone from outside our company who distracts me from my mission to dominate the world. So I picked up the phone and immediately disconnected the call. Usually that gives a clear signal to the calling party that yes, I am here, but no, I don't want to talk to you. But the phone rang again within 30 seconds. Geez. Now I've completely lost my train of thought of my movie script to turn my unauthorized biography of Melvil Dewey into a miniseries ("The Melvil Dewey story - the drama, the suspense and the classification scheme").

"Yeah. Library here. Waddaya want?"

"Is this the Hades Corporate Library?"

"Perhaps. Who are you?"

"My name is Randy Goodrem, vice senior sales account executive for Business Executive World News. I assume you are familiar with our valuable, world famous, must-have industry news source?"

"I think I did a trial a while ago… but then you guys send me a proposal that was completely insane. So no, we're still not interested. Bye."

"Hang on, that is not the reason why I am calling. I wanted to ask you where to send the invoice for the trial."

"Excuse me - the invoice for the trial? You guys told me it was a free two week trial!"

"Aah, well. The trial is indeed free up to 15 downloads. After that we charge you, which is clearly stated in our terms of use at the bottom of the front page in the tiny, almost grey font on the white background. Just below the huge blinking banner. It's only visible on your first visit, but basically by using the site you acknowledge to our terms and conditions."

"You're kidding me!"

"No sir, either you pay us $15.000 for the trial or you sign up for an annual, global subscription in which case we deduct that amount from your subscription fee."

"Randy, listen - you don't think I even WANT to do business with you guys now?"

"Well, I must say that most of your peers immediately saw the win-win situation and have now signed up to our platinum corporate subscription. So I assume you are at least as clever as them. Otherwise I see no other way than to sue you."

(smoke coming out of my ears)

"Sue me? I'm gonna sue you! Do you know who you are dealing with???"

"Take it easy, mister librarian. Let me come over to your offices next week to come to an agreement. I am sure we can work out a deal where you sign a lousy contract, which results in a huge bonus for me and you then have access to our superb, must-have industry news website."

So we arranged for a meeting in our offices. Mr. Randy Goodrem clearly did not know that nobody messes with the obnoxious librarian. Because the obnoxious librarian plays golf with the ferocious lawyer. Peter Burkman Jr. III is one of the top lawyers at Hades, defending us in all the unjustified lawsuits. Burkman Jr. III (I can call him "the Burkmeister") then flies with the corporate jet to the other side of the world to defend our company and then counter sue the poor bastards. We quickly found out that my power over information and his legal master brain made a great combination. Many times I have been able to supply him with some smoking gun documents to win a case, so I can now ask for a favor.

I call the Burkmeister on his cell phone and find out he is currently defending us in a 2 gazillion lawsuit in Australia. When I explain my case to him he laughs out loud: "Oh great, this is gonna be fun… some sales schmuck trying to rip us off and not knowing whom he is dealing with. I will get my secretary to reschedule my calendar and I'll bring this sales weasel to his knees."

So this morning the Burkmeister was sitting in our fanciest meeting room, with his back to the window. Opposite of him we put the most uncomfortable chair we could find for mr. Goodrem, which was at the lowest level possible. So mr. Goodrem would not only have to squint his eyes against the sun behind the Burkmeister, but he would also have to look up to him.

When mr. Goodrem arrived, we let him wait for 40 minutes at reception while we were swapping lawyer jokes. I then went to pick up Mr. Goodrem and brought him to the meeting room. The Burkmeister was talking on the phone and did not acknowledge us. Mr. Goodrem walked up to him and held out his hand - ready to shake the Burkmeister's hand. But he waved dismissively to mr. Goodrem and continued his phone call. After 5 minutes, the Burkmeister put down his phone and looked mr. Goodrem straight in the eye with a sigh:

"Well. I had expected a more worthy opponent. But ok - you're here. I am a very busy man and I need to be out of here in 10 minutes. I understand you are wrongly accusing our corporate librarian. Why?"

"As clearly stated on our website… "

"Clearly? Clearly? Mister Goodrem, you and I both know that unless the user confirms that he agrees to your conditions, your outrageous claim has no ground. You have no case. You have nothing."

"But our terms of use… "

"Your terms of use are a pile of drivel and the only thing that is clear to me is that your company is trying to scam innocent, hardworking librarians into signing licenses. Are we done now?"

"But.. but… if you don't pay, we will have to sue you!"

"HA! Do you know how many lawsuits I have handled for Hades Corporation in the past year? 150. And how many did I win? 300. Because in every case I counter-sued and won that case as well. Mr. Goodrem, let me put this straight - you will apologize to my dear colleague the librarian here and then I will count to 10. I don't want to ever see you again and neither do I want to hear from your company every again. Otherwise I will bury you in lawsuits and my librarian here will rally his library gang to disrupt every public event of your company. And believe me, you don't want to have a group of rowdy librarians turning against you."

And just to have something to cheer me up later, I videotaped the whole meeting. Would it be too obnoxious to upload a copy to YouTube and then submit the link to a few library blogs?

It is almost 2.15 PM in the library and I am checking my e-mail while enjoying the fabulous live album of the lovely Dana Fuchs. My specially designed "management fluff" spam filter has already deleted the growing amount of e-mails from all kinds of managers, who all of a sudden feel like they should communicate more with staff.

The CEO started this trend and after that every management layer wanted to chip in their views, notes, letters and drivel. I especially hate the e-mails from management, which are intended to start a change. It's almost like management thinks: "well, instead of doing all this expensive change management, why don't I just send out an inspirational e-mail telling people that they should change. They will immediately see my point and become 'change agents'". To be clear - I don't have a problem with management as long as they don't interfere with my work.

Now one e-mail has fooled the filter, a message urging all of us to "decomplexify" our way of working. Is that even a word?

Mmmm, a nice e-mail from my library protégé asking for advice about how to deal with organizational complexity. Well, I have always loved organizational complexity - it offers so many advantages. Let me explain.

Instead of reporting to one boss, I have a departmental manager to whom I report hierarchically but I get my steer from a committee consisting of representatives of all the major library user groups. Establishing this committee was one of the best ideas I ever had. Since the committee spans business divisions, regions and time zones - most of the committee members don't know each other or even talk to each other.

Whenever a difficult problem comes up that I can really do without, I sent it to the committee. Usually they meet via teleconference once a month with me as chair, but most of the times not enough committee members attend to make the decision valid as agreed by the committee decision-making rules (wonder who wrote those rules?). That then gives me the excuse that I am "on top of the issue", but unfortunately the committee hasn't decided yet. Shift the blame, baby.

It is always good to pit my departmental manager against the committee: "Well boss, that indeed is a great idea - but I need the full buy in from the library steering committee of course." Can you spell d-e-l-a-y?

Just as a precaution, I have also developed a great relationship with the chief operating officer (COO). It all started out when I started feeding him the internal gossip spreading across the company via instant messaging. As a legal precaution, all chat sessions are recorded and stored in my lovely records management system. And guess what - I get to do random checks on records to see whether they meet the required retention classification. In the rare case the library steering committee almost reaches a decision which clearly is the wrong one, for example "why don't we reduce the budget" or "we need more granular usage statistics" I sigh and remark that the COO had a completely opposing opinion when I spoke to him yesterday at the golf club. That's usually enough to nip a problem in the bud.

If needed I can also use the smoke screen of different project managers. I always try to be on different projects for different parts of the organization. It is always great fun to spark a discussion between the library steering committee, my departmental manager and a project manager via e-mail. I just like to send them all an e-mail once in a while like "I will take my annual summer leave next month, what are the priorities I should wrap up before then?” Then it's nice to sit back with a cup of relaxing tea and watch the flurry of e-mails fly by…

Last but not least, I always ask for road maps, vision documents and agreed deliverables before even considering a decision above the level of "what font type should I use on the library meeting minutes template?” Managers love that type of questions and huddle in plush meeting rooms for a while, leaving me alone to get stuff done. Once they come back, I throw in the word that will scare them into making any kind of major decision: I ask for funding.