Obsession (17 page)

“I just wanted to let you know that Dr. Jensen called earlier this evening,” she said, her voice slightly more detached than usual. “He apologized for the way he acted when April and I went to his office this past Monday, and then he offered to speak to the coroner about having Dad's body exhumed for the autopsy. I understand that avoids the necessity of getting a court order.”

Abe was surprised. From what Toni had told him about her visit to Dr. Jensen's office, it had seemed highly unlikely that he would change his mind. She was right too; the doctor's intervention would circumvent the need for a court order. So why wasn't he feeling more hopeful? Hadn't he been the one to suggest this move in the first place? Of course, Toni had no idea how he had wrestled with the idea of even mentioning an autopsy. Even though he had been reasonably sure she wouldn't be able to get the court order on her own, there was always the possibility that Dr. Jensen would be willing to intervene. If she chose not to or was unable to enlist the doctor's assistance, they would run into a dead end in the pursuit of information on her father's death, which ultimately meant an end to his excuse for prolonging their relationship. If, on the other hand, an autopsy was done, the results would also affect their relationship. A confirmation of a heart
attack would bring their informal investigation to a screeching halt; evidence of foul play would necessitate turning the case over to the county sheriff, which technically left Abe out of the picture. Whatever the results of Toni's quest for an autopsy, he knew his days in “partnership” with Toni were numbered. Still, he had promised to help her, and suggesting an autopsy had seemed to be his only option at the time. All he could do now was to try to make the best of whatever time he had left with Toni—and Karen's answering his phone certainly hadn't helped his chances any.

“That's good news,” he said, wishing he could say so much more.
Karen's nothing to me, just someone I used to date. I'm not interested in her at all. I just happened to run into her and she invited herself over and… I wish it were you. I wish you were here with me. Not just for tonight, but always.
… “I appreciate your letting me know.”

“Sure. Well, I'd better go. Have a nice… evening.” The phone clicked in his ear, and she was gone. When Karen came up behind him and laid her hand on his shoulder, it was all he could do not to throw her out of his apartment. But dinner or no dinner, she was leaving. Immediately.

Apart from her parents' deaths, this had been one of the most painful and trying days of Toni's life. What she had planned as a pleasant evening had deteriorated into a quick succession of arguments, disappointments, and confusion. After Brad's ultimatum and subsequent departure, Melissa, too, had decided to leave, opting to go home with Carrie to spend the night at her place. On top of that, Toni had then called Abe to let him know of Dr. Jensen's change of heart, only to find herself shocked—and more than slightly jealous—over the female voice on the other end of the line. Although she had tried to convince herself that the woman was probably nothing more than a casual friend, she had a problem believing that someone who
was nothing more than a friend would be at Abe's apartment answering his phone while he took a shower. Still, she had reminded herself, what right did she have to expect that Abe would not be involved with someone? What she had perceived as his interest in her might have been nothing more than her overactive imagination. Worse yet, it might have been indicative of the way he treated all women. Where did she get off thinking she was special to him? Maybe she was letting this “partner” thing take on more meaning than Abe had ever intended. Maybe her phone call at that particular time was more than simple coincidence. Perhaps it was God's way of reminding her that she had absolutely no business becoming emotionally involved with someone who did not share her faith. Brad had given her an ultimatum, and it was obvious that she needed to put Abe Matthews out of her life before she ended up losing the man who truly loved her.

By the time all this had transpired, neither Toni nor April had felt much like barbecuing, so they fixed a salad and nibbled at it, while they discussed their uncertain futures in light of the evening's events, beginning with Dr. Jensen's offer to help secure an autopsy. Finally, when the rehashing of these subjects began to wear on them, Toni had taken April back to her hotel and had come home, fully resolved to call Brad and tell him she had made her choice. With Dr. Jensen's help, she would move ahead with the autopsy. Regardless of the outcome, Abe Matthews was out of her life. It was the right thing to do, and it would seal her decision to voice it to Brad.

But Brad didn't answer his phone. Even his answering machine was unavailable, undoubtedly turned off, she decided, because he did not want to hear from her yet. She supposed he wanted to give her more time to think things through and to come to the right decision, but she didn't need more time. The decision was made, and there was no turning back.

Wearily, she climbed into bed, determined to shut out the distressing events of the day and escape into a restful sleep. More than
an hour later, she knew that had been nothing more than wishful thinking. She turned on the light and reached into the drawer of her nightstand. Pulling out the well-worn Bible, she fluffed her pillows and leaned back.

Oh, Lord,
she prayed silently,
I've been neglecting this time with you lately. I'm so sorry. I'm paying the price, aren't I? I'm hurt and confused. I don't know what I want or where I'm going. I don't even seem to know
who
I want! Brad loves me, but.…what about Abe? Oh, God, I know he's wrong for me, and he probably doesn't really care about me at all. But… how do I stop thinking of him? How do I stop myself from feeling what I feel for him? I just don't know what to do. The only thing I know for sure is that I have to continue pursuing the truth regarding Dad's death. Maybe then I'll be able to find some peace and get on with my life. May be… but… what if I still don't know what I want, even then? Help me, Lord. Lead me….

She opened her Bible to the fifty-fourth chapter of Isaiah, and her eyes fell on verse 6:

“For the Lord has called you

Like a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit,…”

She caught her breath.
Oh, Lord, I know those words were written to Israel, but they describe exactly how I feel! Even though I know Brad loves me and wants to marry me, I have felt absolutely forsaken and grieved in spirit, ever since Dad…
The rising pain in her chest threatened to overwhelm her. It was a pain she had been fighting for weeks, a pain she had been terrified would envelop her entire life if ever she gave way to it. Yet here it was, calling to her, as if God himself were bidding her to come, to yield herself…

When she finally stopped resisting, the tears came in torrents, washing over her in great engulfing waves as she dropped the Bible onto her lap and buried her face in her hands. Yet, in the midst of the crushing agony, a peace came, a silent promise that the resurrection that followed death would also defeat the pain and loss that had seemingly invaded every area of her life.

“Oh, Lord,” she cried aloud, “I miss him! I miss him so much. I miss my father….”

I am your Father.

The words had been nothing more than a whisper in her heart, but they reverberated through her very being with a truth that released a sense of inexplicable joy within her. Even as she wiped the tears from her face, she began to laugh—softly, gently, but with conviction.

“Yes,” she said. “Yes, You are my Father. My Father…”

She looked again at the open Bible on her lap, reading another portion of the same chapter:

“For a mere moment I have forsaken you,

But with great mercies I will gather you.”

She closed her eyes.
Oh, Father. Gather me. I feel so scattered
…. As she sensed a warm blanket of love wrap around her, she realized that she had never before experienced the absolute truth that her heavenly Father loved her… completely, unconditionally, unendingly, undeservedly. She knew, from that moment, that whatever happened, she was going to be all right.

Suddenly she remembered what Brad had said to her at the beach about Melissa's needing her heavenly Father more now than ever before.
No wonder his comment made me so uncomfortable. How could I help lead my little sister to her heavenly Father when I was so out of touch with him myself?
She grabbed a tissue from the nightstand, blew her nose, and leaned back against the pillows. “I've believed in you for as long as I can remember,” she whispered, “and I've known you as Savior for years. But… I never knew you in this way, did I? As my Father. I've missed so much because of it.

“Help me, Lord. Help me to draw closer to you as Father, to better understand what that means. I feel like a child just beginning to learn the truth about something I thought I already knew. Teach me, Lord. Teach me. Help me to sort through the confusion of my life, to rest in your peace….”

Secure in her Father's arms, she soon drifted off to sleep. For this night, at least, there were no dreams of a teenage girl with long blonde curls running for her life.

CHAPTER 8

T
oni could not remember a time when she had come from church with such mixed emotions. Spiritually, she felt stronger than she ever had before. Throughout the service, the words of the songs and sermon seemed to come alive and take on entirely new meaning as she focused on the new aspect of her relationship with God, that of Father and daughter. However, the problems in her other relationships seemed more painful and pronounced than ever as she sat next to Melissa, who had scarcely spoken to her since learning of Toni's intentions to seek an autopsy on their father. In addition, Toni could see Brad, two rows ahead and across the aisle from her, sitting next to his parents. It was the first time since their late teens, except during their college years when they were gone from River View, that they had not sat together during a Sunday worship service. Toni's heart ached at the
realization, particularly because she knew she had no one to blame but herself.

She and Melissa had run into Brad while they were walking to the church from the parking lot. Toni had been hopeful that this would be her chance to tell him of her decision to cut off all ties with Abe. It was, after all, Independence Day, and the Anderson and Matthews families always went to the Fourth of July church picnic together. This would be the perfect opportunity to talk things through and get their relationship back on its old familiar footing. Brad, though polite, had been cool and aloof, speaking to her briefly and giving Melissa a quick hug, then veering off to join his parents.

Oh, Father,
Toni had cried silently, as she watched him walk away.
I really need you right now. Help me. Show me what to do.

In answer to her cry, she felt wrapped, once again, in the cloak of her heavenly Father's love. Slipping into the pew, she had determined not to let anything—or anyone—rob her of her newfound peace with God. Melissa, however, had not made it easy, sitting several inches away from Toni, as if she were too angry even to touch her.

Help Melissa too,
Toni had prayed.
Help her to turn to you, Lord. She needs you so desperately.

Later, stepping out of the church into the warm, late-morning sunshine, Toni had asked Melissa what they should fix to bring to the picnic that afternoon. Melissa had informed her coolly that Carrie's family had invited her to go with them and that she would prefer to do so if Toni had no objections. Toni did—mainly that she felt rebuffed and rejected—but decided not to voice them.

So she headed for home, alone. Strangely, however, she didn't feel alone—at least, not entirely. Even amidst the confusion and uncertainty of her botched relationships, she still sensed the peace and joy that had filled her since she first recognized God's presence in her life as Father. Surprising herself, she smiled as she drove, humming one of the choruses they had sung at church.

As she pulled into the driveway, she wondered if April Lippincott was home from her church service yet. Toni and Melissa had taken April to their church the first Sunday she had been in town, but it had been a bit too contemporary for the elderly woman who was more comfortable in a traditional worship setting. And so, although they shared the same faith and worshiped the same God, Toni had recommended another church to April. Unlocking the front door and walking into the empty house, Toni decided to give April a call to see if they could get together sometime later in the day.

She walked toward the phone on the end table in the living room and saw the light blinking on the answering machine. She pushed the button, hoping maybe Brad had arrived home ahead of her and had called to say he'd had a change of heart and would like to get together with her for the picnic. The male voice on the machine was not Brad's, however.

“Hi, Toni. It's me, Abe. Did you get my message from yesterday? I… was hoping to get a chance to talk with you about… well, just about things in general, I suppose, but especially about Friday night when you called. It's just that… I know I don't owe you an explanation, but I really would like to explain anyway. I guess you're at church right now, but if you get a chance, would you call me when you get home? Please.”