Obsession (45 page)

For this offender, remember, his “simple obsession” and sole purpose is to get this person back in his life. When he realizes he can’t, he’ll switch over to a fall-back position, which may involve going out in a blaze of glory. Killing her becomes the ultimate act of control and oppression. Like assassins, many abusers keep diaries in which they write their plans as well as record their victim’s movements.

Beatty describes a common entry: “I can’t wait to see the expression on her face when she sees the gun. If she thinks she’s won, I’ll prove her wrong.” As the situation they want slips farther and farther from their grasp, they embrace the fantasy of controlling the victim’s very life and death.

If, in fact, the offender’s identity is so tied up with his victim that he has no other means to possess her
than to kill her, once he’s done that, there’s nowhere else for him to go emotionally, hence the frequency of murder-suicides. And I share the concern with others in the stalking victims’ advocacy movement that this is just one reason why we have to make stalking crimes felonies with long-term sentencing options. If someone is willing to kill his victim and himself, threat of jail time isn’t going to deter him. So we need to get these guys early and we have to be able to put them away for a long time. This means everyone involved—from the victim to law enforcement to prosecutors and judges—needs to really look at these offenders, recognize the danger, and act on their behavior as early as possible.

Ideally, the potential victim should cut off contact with the potential stalker as early as she realizes there may be a problem. And that means really cutting off contact. Gavin de Becker, who’s got as much experience with this as anyone, recommends making it clear to the individual that you do not wish to have a relationship with him (or her) and are certain that this feeling will not change in the future; that you intend to pursue other avenues and trust that he will, too.

Then, stick to it. If someone calls you forty times and you relent and talk to him on the forty-first, if only to “clear the air” or “let him down gently,” all you have told him is that forty-one phone calls are the price of one conversation with you, and the obsessed individual will gladly pay that price.

Walking in the shoes of any offender is difficult, but it’s even harder if the one in question is your personal stalker. At least when I analyze a crime scene, as emotionally wrenching as it may be, I have a degree of objectivity. If, on the other hand, the crime were committed in my home—as part of an ongoing campaign of terror—it would be more stressful and more difficult not to react to the offender’s action. And the
average stalking victim does not have a background in behavioral analysis to help her in psyching out her opponent.

Stalking is a terribly difficult crime for a victim to deal with because it can be both longterm and unpredictable. Imagine waking up every day for twenty years—or even twenty days—and having as your first thought “Is this the day he gets me?” or “Is this the day he kills my kids?” Everywhere you go, you look around and expect to see him. Even if he isn’t standing outside your window, watching you make your kids’ lunch, you know he’s always somewhere out there. Every time the phone rings you know who it could be. The mail could bring just bills and advertisements, or a photo of you taken one time you really thought he wasn’t around. Maybe you got a restraining order and police threatened to arrest him so he’s been quiet lately. That’s no guarantee he isn’t still watching and waiting for you to let your guard down. Statistically, overwhelmingly, he will be back.

Victims suffer all sorts of problems as a result of their experience, from depression, anxiety attacks, and physical ailments brought on by prolonged feelings of anger, stress, fear, and helplessness, to recurring nightmares and even post-traumatic stress disorder. Just as some rape victims suffer from rape trauma syndrome, stalking survivors subjected to repeated and unpredictable acts of personal terrorism against them may go through life in a permanently stressed state, traumatized by their experiences.

To make matters worse for already frightened and confused stalking victims, when they look for advice on how to deal with their stalkers, they face the added dilemma that the guidelines depend on which expert you talk to. The method promoted as the best approach by one may well be deemed a horrible mistake by another. Without knowing Sweeney’s already violent
past, some might even have advised Dominique Dunne to try a reasoning approach, negotiating terms so that he would leave her alone and she wouldn’t get him in trouble with the police, which could cost him his job and make him angry.

And this doesn’t just apply to stalkers who are unwilling to give up the objects of their so-called affections. A woman—or man—may be stalked by someone who has some other perceived grudge against her. It may be a shopkeeper the offender thinks cheated him. It could be a doctor or lawyer who the offender feels has not delivered the desired result. It could be practically anything. It is easy to become enmeshed from a position of total innocence.

One of the only points on which everyone agrees is that each stalking case is different, and strategies should be based on the particulars of the individual stalker involved. But even as the experts at the National Victim Center have done an excellent job outlining general steps stalking victims can take, they emphasize the importance of getting an expert involved immediately who can help tailor an approach to fit the specific situation.

The first step for any stalking victim, then, should be getting in touch with someone local, since stalking laws vary from state to state and what constitutes grounds for an arrest in one jurisdiction may be outside the arm of the law in another. In some cases—especially if the stalking behaviors cross jurisdictions, or threatening phone calls are made from one state to another—federal charges may apply under stalking and/or antiterrorism laws. Working alone, victims may be unaware of the procedures involved in filing a stalking or related complaint.

As at least one stalker put it, “This is my job.” But most victims don’t have the luxury—or the inclination—to make building a case against, reporting, and
prosecuting a stalker their full-time job. But there are people out there who can help with these things, and there are additional resources, such as shelters and/or counseling groups.

In addition to its advocacy work, the National Victim Center provides referral services to victims of all categories of crime, including stalking. They welcome calls from anyone who needs to know where to turn. Even if you are just wondering if someone’s disturbing behavior qualifies as stalking, they can answer your questions. The toll-free number for the National Victim Center is 1-800-FYI-CALL.

Something to keep in mind is a warning we hear from David Beatty, Gavin de Becker, and so many others: if you think you have a problem, you probably do.

This doesn’t mean you should panic because some strange guy at work is flirting with you, but it does mean you need to be aware of what Beatty calls the “trigger point”: the feeling Laura Black got when she saw Farley’s home-baked bread. Beatty warns, “If you feel like you are getting unwelcome attention to the point where you feel so uncomfortable that you think your safety is at risk, that’s the time in which to act.”

You don’t want to find yourself looking back later and realizing that you were right, something weird was happening. A future stalker was calling around, talking to coworkers and friends, asking inappropriate questions, gathering intelligence.

In many cases, early intervention is key. Beatty notes, “The potential positive outcome at the early stages of a stalking case are far better than at the last stages. If someone is overtly threatening you with violence, the options are pretty narrow.” By then, he adds, probably the best that can be done is to press charges and get the offender locked up. But the chances are great that he’ll be back out again and
even angrier for having spent some time in prison or suffering some other punishment.

Tips that are widely offered by antistalking groups include using a post office box for your mail, being selective about giving out your telephone number and address, informing people (and organizations) that they are not to provide information about you to anyone, posting No Trespassing signs on your property, reporting threatening telephone calls to the phone company and having them traced, if possible, or using Caller ID, and reporting threatening mail to the FBI. These groups also suggest that you contact the Social Security Office to have your social security number changed if it can be proven that someone stalking you is using the number to find or harass you. If you have to move, they recommend ways you can avoid leaving a “paper trail” behind for a stalker to follow, including taking copies of your medical records with you (as well as your children’s school and medical records), not leaving a forwarding address with the post office, and either personally picking up or giving up deposit money with your landlord.

If you are being stalked, experts also agree that you need to keep a record of everything. This means saving any letters from the stalker, any answering machine tapes with messages on them, items left for you, and the like. You should also keep a journal, with a record of the date, time, and place your stalker appeared, along with what he did, said, wore, what car he drove, its license plate number, and the names of anyone else who witnessed him being there. If you can get a photo of the stalker without placing yourself in danger, that could also be helpful, not just for showing where he was at a certain time, but to let your neighbors, coworkers, and others know to be on the lookout for this guy. Record-keeping can be critical because one of the by-products of long-term stress is
impaired memory, as well as the fact that the case may have unfolded over considerable time. Like rape victims who don’t remember everything that happened until details come back in bits and pieces, stalking victims may be misunderstood and even accused of lying if their story changes. A good log of everything that happens can help guard against this.

And unfortunately, stalking laws are still relatively new and, as literature you can obtain from the National Victim Center points out, victims may be in the position of first having to prove “probable cause” to police before they can get to the point of seeing the stalker prosecuted in court. Certainly, if you are being stalked, do not hold back from alerting authorities just because you don’t have these pieces of evidence, but when they are available to you, don’t throw them away.

The issue of when—and how—to enlist the help of law enforcement is one of the areas of greatest debate within the community of stalking experts, and the argument over the usefulness of restraining orders versus their risk to victims who take that route epitomizes the difficulties with trying to apply general rules. Experts and victims alike note wryly that a piece of paper can’t act as a bulletproof shield in an emergency and point to Laura Black’s case (as well as those where domestic violence victims have been found dead with a copy of their restraining order in their purse) as an example of their failure.

At the same time, David Beatty believes, “Protective orders are valuable for several purposes. They are not a protection. They don’t stop offenders. In fact, in some cases, it can be the exacerbating trigger. But they do have other purposes. The one thing they do that’s important is that they trigger the criminal justice process. It puts the process on notice that this is happening and that at least some judge somewhere has
looked at the problem and said, ‘Yes, there is a legitimate complaint here.’”

My Investigative Support Unit colleague Jim Wright, himself a leading expert on stalking, says, “The temporary restraining order essentially becomes not the solution but the means for employing the criminal justice system.”

And, Beatty adds, “That may be the most important thing that a victim can get, because their hardest challenge often is simply getting the system to respond.”

In an opposing view, especially with celebrity stalkers, Gavin de Becker advises a strategy of watching and waiting, rather than one that will “engage and enrage.” De Becker warns that “confronting a stalker too early can aggravate the situation and possibly accelerate his violent tendencies.”

Still others—including many in law enforcement—take the opposite view, believing that launching a campaign against the stalker can scare some off before the situation gets out of hand.

In my opinion, there’s value in all these approaches, depending on the type of stalker. Just as I tailor proactive techniques to the specific UNSUB in a murder case, I believe the motivation of the stalker has to be considered, along with any signs of mental illness he or she may exhibit. And as with other types of cases, timing is crucial. An excellent response at one point might be a trigger to violence at another.

I also agree with David Beatty’s assessment that “there’s an important distinction to be made between a law enforcement/system response to stalking and an individualized victim response.” As in profiling, we have to walk in the shoes of both the offender and the victim and consider the specific issues for both in planning to end the criminal behavior one way or another.

Sadly, there is still a lot of ground to be gained in
terms of public education as well. We need to support victims of stalkers (both love-obsession and simple obsession), and in many cases that means first by recognizing criminal behavior. During the stages where the man is trying to regain control by courting the victim again, sending her flowers and gifts, unless an outsider recognizes this behavior as just one piece in a puzzle that can also involve deadly violence, it may seem that she is judging him too harshly. Just as Farley’s gifts to Laura Black may have seemed generous, love notes and candy from an ex-boyfriend may appear as indicators that this poor guy is still head over heels in love with the woman. Only the victim recognizes them as creepy and controlling, because she understands the context and has lived through his other efforts to dominate her.