Obsessive Compulsion (29 page)

My damn hand twitches as the heat in the
room raises a few degrees. I can feel everyone’s eyes on me while
my mind is going a million different directions. It’s already
obsessing over the next few minutes and the next twelve months at
the same time in minute-by-minute details.

Ask Charlotte to marry me. Plan wedding.
Marry Charlotte. Get a puppy? No, a baby first. No, no… Move in
together first. Wait, that will have to come before the wedding.
Hold on, go back to this crazy idea of having a baby…

I’m barely paying attention, or breathing,
as presents are passed around and opened until Brandon thrusts a
box into my lap. I raise an eyebrow, since we agreed no presents
this year, but he gives me that damn grin of his. With a huff, I
open the box. It’s the size and shape that shirts usually come in
and inside I find an instruction manual.

“I wasn’t gonna haul the thing up here, but
it’ll be waiting in your apartment when you get home,” he explains
while Emma giggles excitedly into his shoulder. “It’s a solar
powered fridge – the kind those ‘off the grid’ people use. No
electrical outlet required, so you can leave the darn thing running
at night.”

I blink, imagining how much a set up like
that must have cost. “Brandon, I can’t accept…”

His eyes go into stern ‘Stable Master’ mode.
“You can, and you will. You know we’re making Shoe Village a green
energy project, so think of it more like an experimental investment
if you have to.”

“Thank you,” is all I can manage, but I know
he understands how much something like this means to me. A fridge
that fits within my crazy lifestyle is just one step closer to
feeling more normal. Emma passes Charlotte a similar box next and I
already know what’s inside.

I watch her fingers carefully tugging at the
wrapping before she gives in and just tears it open. Unfolding the
blueprint that’s inside, I wait for that beautiful moment when
understand blossoms over her face. At first she’s confused, then
she tilts her head just slightly to the left and I see the
realization dawning.

“This is one of the retail spaces at Shoe
Village?” she asks and Emma nods while motioning for her to keep
looking. Under the blueprint are digital renderings of the inside
which have it set up as an art gallery on the first floor and a
studio on the second. A gasp expels past her lips and the first
sign of tears appear. “What…”

“It’s a gallery!” Emma explains the obvious.
“
Your
gallery,” she emphasizes.

“We figured you could use the second floor
as a studio,” Brandon takes over, “and maybe teach some art
classes?”

Charlotte attempts to say something, but her
lips fumble the words while her eyes continue staring in disbelief
at the images. “I couldn’t possibly… I mean…”

“Stubborn,” Brandon huffs. “You two are both
stubborn. If you want to pay rent for it eventually, then fine, but
Emma and I are doing this for you. It won’t be ready for four
months or so, but after that, I think an art gallery and art
classes is just what Shoe Village and that neighborhood needs.”

“And we’ve already paid for the next four
months at your current studio space,” Carol breaks into the
conversation and Charlotte’s head snaps up. “I know you liked the
University, but I think teaching your own classes is a great
idea.”

“But, Momma,”

“No buts,” John interrupts. “You deserve to
have more time to paint and a place to display them. You got
talent, girl, and I’ll not have it wasted at some stuffy school
that can’t appreciate it enough to get over their outdated ideals
about the propriety of my little girl.”

I can tell John’s words shock her and she
looks to me for explanation. I’m tempted to tell her how the
conversation with John went, but I’m still trying to digest it all
myself. Brandon simply laid it all out and helped John understand
our point of view while I held nothing back about just how much
Charlotte means to me.

With twitching fingers, I reach into my
pocket. Her pupils dilate then focus on the silver house key held
tightly between my thumb and index finger. I get the idea it’s not
what she was expecting, but I want to do this first. I have to get
this right. “I know it won’t be easy, and unplugging everything at
night is only one of many things I’m asking you to deal with, but I
want you to move in with me.”

She eyes the key and reaches for it, but
stops. “I have a cat.”

I know, but I play along with a grin tugging
at the corner of my lip. “Is she the jealous type?”

“Depends,” Charlotte touches one finger to
the key. “How well do you work a can opener?”

“I’ve had no fridge for five years,” I snort
then take on a serious tone. “Your lime green couch, however…”

Her eyes go wide and it’s breathtaking.
“How’d you know…” Her eyes dart to Emma. “Traitor!”

Emma giggles loudly with a giddy bounce
against Brandon who’s all chuckles as he speaks. “Had to give the
man some fair warning. That couch is fugly.”

“Is not!” Charlotte argues then looks back
at me, her grip trying to tug the key out of my fingers. “I love
that couch. It was free, and it’s comfortable!”

I pull back on the key with a feigned sigh.
“Disappointing. I was hoping it would work out, since I
am
walking distance from the museums
and
the Spaghetti
Factory.”

“Screw the couch and gimmie my damn key,
Rider!” She yanks as her mom gasps at her language and I’m trying
not to laugh.

I let go just as Charlotte pulls the hardest
and she falls backwards into the cushions. Holding the key up in
victory, she freezes as light sparkles across what’s dangling from
the other end of the keychain. Before she can sit back up all the
way, I’m down on one knee in front of her, unhooking the ring.

“Charlotte Susanna, will you marry me,
twitches and all?” I get the words out as calmly as possible, but
inside my stomach flips while my heart runs a marathon.

Somehow, I avoid twitching as I hold the
ring up to her. The green and blue fire opal centering a circle of
small diamonds catches the light from the tree and illuminates in a
dazzling array of color. The colors catch in her tear-filled eyes
and I’m lost for a moment as everything comes together
perfectly.

I’m waiting for her to say something, but
all she can do is nod as I slip the ring up her finger. She finally
gulps in a breath with a loud
‘yes!’
before falling into my
arms. It’s the sweetest sound to ever greet my ears.

The glint of Carol’s camera flash makes us
both laugh, but I’m not letting go of her yet. I want to hold onto
this perfect moment for as long as possible, taking in every detail
so I can carry this memory with me and use it to get me through the
rough patches I know I’ll never be able to fully avoid. I believe,
though, that Charlotte’s going to be there with me to help get me
through them. I believe she’ll let me start over, again and again,
and I know she’ll always be standing there patiently, waiting for
me to reach her.

They say love is blind. I think maybe love
can see just fine, but she’s a bit of a trickster who likes to
dangle possibilities in front of you, waiting for you to reach out
and take one. If you’re lucky, she’ll let you keep what you can
grab. If you’re a messed-up, unlucky fool like me, she’ll laugh in
your face, tug the offer out of reach at the last second and leave
you hanging.

It’s not her fault. That’s just how she
rolls. And, shit, it’s not like she hasn’t given me plenty of
opportunities to take hold of what she’s offering.

Saul and I have been friends since the day
the parole officer dropped me off on Brandon’s doorstep. Saul’s
kid-at-heart nature helped me ease into life at the Peters’ Estate,
and he never seemed to care that I’d spent the prior two years of
my life behind bars for stealing Brandon’s car. It was time well
deserved, and I still think, at times, that I got off too light;
that all was forgiven too easily.

I can remember, clear as day, the sound of
Julio breaking his bat across Brandon’s arm, and the thudding kicks
of four pairs of boots landing blows into Brandon’s stomach. I
remember the look in Brandon’s eyes – anger, confusion, pity. In
the midst of getting beat up by a bunch of stupid thugs, Brandon
had been able to look at me with compassion and forgiveness.

That’s when I had chosen his side. That
moment, I became his for the rest of my life. He was the first man
to ever look at me as more than a worthless piece of shit, and I
didn’t even stop to think of the consequences as I jumped on top of
him, taking the blows in his place.

I’d begged them to stop, but they laughed
and called me a weak little faggot. At that time, that’s all I
really was. A weak boy hiding who he really was behind a bunch of
meaningless tattoos and false loyalty to a group of other weak boys
pretending to be tough gangsters. I wasn’t worthy of the way
Brandon had looked at me that night, and part of me is certain I
never will be.

I think that might just be what’s really
holding me up with Saul. I guess I’ve earned his friendship, but I
don’t think I’m worthy of what I really want. I don’t think I have
any right to step into the middle of what he and Victoria have
built together since they were kids.

Victoria, God love her, disagrees. She’s
been pushing me and pushing me, no matter how hard I dig my boots
into the ground. It seems no amount of dragging my feet is gonna
make her change her mind. She loves me the same way I love her; a
friend I could never replace.

I just don’t think it’ll work the way she
says it could. I don’t think Saul will ever love anyone but her the
way that I love him. God help me, I’m so stupid in love with that
boy.

That’s the other thing they say about love,
aint it? That if you love someone, sometimes the best thing you can
do for them is let them go? I think that’s what I need to do. I
need to walk away and let Victoria and Saul rebuild what’s started
to crumble between them. They deserve that chance far more than I
deserve either one of them.

I realize it now, as I stand outside Saul’s
hospital room and listen to their quiet laughter floating into the
sterile hallway through the crack in the doorway. My hat in my
hand, I scuff my boot against the white tile, a battle raging
within my heart. It wants to see Saul’s smile, but my memory
reminds me that I’m probably one of the last people he wants to see
right now after our misunderstanding. Shoot, the only person he
hates more right now is probably Kyle.

I know Victoria won’t explain things to him.
She told me straight up that I had to do it; that it’d be the only
way it’d work. I don’t get it, but I know better than to question
her. Questioning myself? Well, that’s something I do on a daily
basis.

An orderly in a crisp white uniform pushes a
gurney with a squeaky wheel past me. I glance up and he nods at me.
I nod back and watch him continue on down the hall. Another round
of Saul’s laughter finally puts my feet in motion, but they take me
down the same hallway to the elevators.

Coward that I am, I text Victoria an update
on Forester as I step out into the cold air and onto the sidewalk.
She immediately responds, asking where I’m at. With a deep inhale,
I tell her I’m on my way back to the estate to take care of some
things for Brandon. I know she’ll be able to read the lie between
the lines, but I’m convinced it’s better this way.

Glancing over my shoulder at the lighted
hospital rooms, I swear I catch her staring down at me. Forcing one
step and then another, I get in my truck and head to my sister
Annabelle’s place instead. I’m sure she’ll let me stay the night
before we head out to Gramma’s house for Christmas tomorrow
morning. I don’t feel like being alone in Brandon’s big estate
tonight.

My parole is up in the Spring, and maybe
it’s time I started looking for a new place to hang my hat. I’ll
never stop repaying my debt to Brandon, but I think I owe it to
Saul to move on outta his life. Part of me aches at the very idea,
but I know he’s got enough shit to deal with between his sister and
Kyle. The other part of me, the part that wakes me up sweating in
the middle of the night, is snarling at me in my father’s voice,
telling me what a yellow-bellied
mandria
I really am.

Both parts are right and I wish they’d both
just shut up and let a man sulk in peace.

Peace.

I pray to God I find it one day.

Look for Book 3 of The Stable Series,
If
You Still Want Me
, coming Summer 2014.

Learn more at
http://www.cekilgore.com