Of Darkness and Crowns (23 page)

“Oh, Goddess.”

Lilly stands at the loft entry, her mouth and eyes wide as she looks me over. “What has he…?” Shaking her head repeatedly, as if she can dispel the scene before her, she sheaths the dagger in her hand. Then she covers me with the blanket. “I’ll kill him.”

Her words don’t fully translate past my fog-walled thoughts. “Where’s Caben?” I ask her. The pain has long turned into a dull, agonizing ache, and I’m drenched in sweat. Shaking and chilled, I’m in need of a fix—Caben’s touch.

I hear more footsteps and low curses enter the loft. Then Bax appears next to Lilly. “Undo her cuffs.” He hands her a silver key, then digs out something from the pack slung over his shoulder.

Once I’m free of my binds, Lilly helps me into a sitting position, holding the blanket close to my chest. Bax clears his throat and then places a new set of clothes near me on the bed.

“I’ll help her,” Lilly says, and Bax nods. His gaze darts around the room, his ashen face seeming concerned, before he clasps Kaide by the shoulder and escorts him back down the ladder.

I’m about to ask after them; why even Kaide seems upset. But a wave of nausea grips me and I buckle at the waist. Lilly’s there beside me, her hand soothingly rubbing my back.

“Did he…hurt you?” She slowly pulls back the cover to inspect, and I shake my head.

“No, but I need to find him.” I toss the covers farther aside and plant my feet on the floor, gaining my balance as I stand.

“Wait, Kal.” Lilly tries to cajole me back to bed. “We need to get you dressed first. You can’t—”

“He’s gone.” I fall to the floor on my knees, hard, and rock back and forth. “Don’t touch me.”

Her booted feet step before my vision, and I turn my back to her. Lying on the floor, I curl into myself. I find a lone shirt balled up near the bed. Caben’s. I coil around it and breathe in his scent, run one of my hands over my chest.

“All that’s holy,” comes a voice—Lena.

“I don’t know what’s wrong. She’s…not herself.” Lilly paces the small loft, then kneels down beside me. “Help me get her back into bed.”

I glare at Lena as she moves closer, and she stops. Stoops down in front of me. “I know what’s wrong. She’s been pinched.”

“What?” Exasperated, Lilly grabs me beneath my arms and forces me to stand. I bring Caben’s shirt with me.

“Please just get dressed, Kal.” She begins to pull up my gown, then pauses halfway as she notices the fingerprints bruising my thighs. “What would happen if they…?”

Lena shrugs. “Who’s to say? Obviously, the world didn’t end. Not yet, anyway. So maybe they just had a little fun before all goes to hell. Or
Bale
.”

“How can you be so unconcerned? Look at her!”

Lena sighs and walks up to Lilly. Annoyed and feeling like I’m about to crawl out of my skin, I finish yanking the gown over my head and toss it on the bed along with Caben’s shirt.

“I doubt anything happened. Maybe the prince or Kal had a moment of clarity. If they had been together, Kal wouldn’t be so…” Lena glances at me quickly, eyes widening. “Unsatisfied. A pinch is some dark magics. It wipes the mind and will of only one thing—and our prince, apparently, wanted his lover only focused on him. And well…you understand me.”

The cool air hits my bare skin, dousing some of the fiery wisps still coursing my body. My skin still heated, I’m reluctant to put on the stifling uniform Bax brought. But Lilly urges me into it, helping guide my arms into the sleeves.

“How do you know about this?” Lilly asks Lena.

“You think the Otherworld is the only place that practices dark magics?” She laughs; it’s mirthless. A faint memory of me being angry with Lena about something springs to mind. “I’ve been to a lot of countries, hunted a lot of people, and seen a lot of terrible, vile things.” She places a hand on Lilly’s cheek. “Trust me. This could’ve been far worse.”

“Goddess, I know he’s possessed. But I thought…I mean, he was nearly coherent, though close to a drunkard, the last time we spoke. It’s my fault.” Lilly slumps down on the bed. “I put her in this position.”

“No, you didn’t. There’s no time for blame, shame, or self-loathing. I’m sure our girl wasn’t tortured.” She looks at me again with a side grin. “Not really, anyway. Caben, in his own warped way, was trying to help them be together. He must have realized it wouldn’t work and left.”

“I agree,” Bax says, entering the loft. “No one is to blame. We have little time, and a ways to travel.” He keeps his back to me as Lilly assists me into the pants. “Is she decent?”

“Yes.” Lilly stands me up and fastens my leather harness around my chest. It feels foreign and ill-fitting. “Kal? Can you understand me?”

“I’m not a moron,” I retort. Lena snorts, and I send her another glare.

Bax turns to face us and says, “Hold her arms.”

“But—” Lilly cuts short when she sees what Bax is holding.

My gut twists at the sight, and then both Lena and Lilly are grabbing hold of me. “No!”

The cherry-red tip of the fire poker sears my arm, and I hear Bax’s voice over my scream. “I’m sorry, Kal…”

The blistering heat scorches me from the inside out—but a hazy memory surfaces through the pain.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry
.

Caben’s words fill my head as I clutch my forearm, tears blurring my vision. His words…what happened between us…the pain—I’m not sure which hurts the most. But everything comes rushing back with alarming clarity.

“I’m going to be sick…” I rush toward a waste basin in the corner, folding over at the waist, and release the contents of my stomach.

“Lovely,” Lena says.

“This is no time for that shit, Lena,” Lilly reprimands.

“I’m just trying to lighten the mood,” she says. I watch her take Lilly into her arms as I wipe my mouth. Anger seizes me, and I’m here…back. Recalling everything.

My roiling stomach becomes less intense as my arm flames from the burn. I could heal my scorched skin, but I think I deserve the pain. I cup the wound instead, feeling every tender throb.

I let Caben
own
me. Though I didn’t actually submit, I allowed him to use his powers as way of giving in—relieving me of the responsibility. A coward’s way. To make the world and problems and the inevitable fade away. Just so I could get lost with him. Forget our fate, and lose myself.

“I didn’t even try to help him,” I whisper. “Not really.” I did try to prolong his sanity, but truly helping him would have been to kill him. Give Bale no choice but to enter me. “Maybe the empress and councilors have it right. Because I failed massively, and now the world will pay for that.”

“Bah!” Bax stomps toward me and takes my shoulders in his large hands. “I cannot listen to anymore whining. Snap out of it, Protector. We are dealing with the absolute darkest of powers, ancient and primal. It’s only by your strength alone that you are not dead.” Releasing me, he drops his hands before he does something not so Bax. Like hug me. “Quit these feelings of guilt. They won’t be of much comfort. Would you have ended my life? Or Lilly’s? Any one of your Nactue or your empress, or hell, a stranger’s for that matter? Could you kill any one of us if we were the ones possessed by Bale?” He releases a huff. “No. It’s what separates you from the goddesses. Enough punishment already. “

Before his speech fully hits me, I open my mouth to respond and shut it. I don’t want to admit this, but the truth is—no. I can’t simply take a life; what I was forced to do in the Cage was different. Though I will never reconcile my time there completely, I’m smart enough to recognize the cost I’ve paid to move beyond it. However, refusing my calling by not willingly becoming Bale’s vessel…how will the goddesses punish me for that rebuke?

Maybe I’m already being punished. Caben’s dying. I don’t see a way around that harsh injustice.

I knew the day I left him in the Cage I would
not
kill him. But I feel as if I already have.

“You’re right,” I say to Bax, and his wiry eyebrows arch. “I’m not the person for this mission. The goddesses really missed their mark. I won’t end a life to prevent Bale from entering this world, and have to continue killing in order to do so. Who would be left?”

“Exactly,” he says.

Confused, I say, “You’re agreeing with me? But aren’t you sided with the Councils? Don’t you believe I should’ve been Bale’s vessel during the Reckoning?” I watch his face pull into a scowl. “I’m not angry, Bax. I understand that you were only doing what had to be done. It’s more than I can do now.”

“The same way you will not sacrifice any of yours for this war, I will not sacrifice any of mine. We all suffer moments of weakness, and I’m sorry for my own…” He crosses his arms before him, lifts his chin. “But, it seems I’ve grown fond of your annoying presence, Protector.”

I’m not any more sentimental than Bax, but his words are closely veering there. I believe we’re both becoming uncomfortable, so I simply smile and then turn toward Lilly and Lena.

“I’m sorry for—”

“It’s all right,” Lilly says. “Kal, you were under some influence of sorts. I’m just worried that something happened—that you were hurt.”

I shake my head. “I wasn’t.” Although the deep-seeded scars of what occurred probably won’t surface until long after this moment, I can’t worry about that. I won’t be around to face them.

“You do understand that it wasn’t an influence or spell,” Lena says, looking between me and Lilly. “Prince Caben merely stripped away anything that wasn’t a feeling for him, anything that pertained to the two of you. Like, eradicating everything but
one
feeling. It heightens that one emotion infinitely. Makes it the most powerful and unable to ignore.”

I bow my head, sensing the embarrassment color my face. So that is mine and Caben’s feelings for each other in their rawest form. I believe almost nothing could be more dangerous. We need all parts of ourselves to maintain balance. Or else we’ll simply self-destruct.

And like a sudden, powerful burst of light penetrating the darkness, pieces come together to form the whole, brilliant picture. Blinding but clear.

I can almost hear the goddesses mocking me, looking down at me with impatient, glowering smirks. I want to tell them to go to hell, but what’s the point? You can’t damn an immortal being. But at least now, I emphatically understand the dark goddess on a level I never could have before.

Stripped of the parts that complete us, level us and balance us, we’re nothing more than carnal versions of ourselves. We’ll seek out only what we desire. And for the goddess of madness and mayhem, chaos and ruin…taken down to her most primal desire? What she seeks is destruction. Even at the cost of herself.

Bale must be reunited with her counterpart.

Only, there’s still the terrible consequence of Caben’s death being in the way.

And mine…

But I suppose if there was ever a time to develop a hero complex, now would be that moment.

“Are all the Nactue here?” I ask.

Lilly nods. “Caben gave orders to Lake to release us. So we could come to you. And he’s here, too. Lake, that is. Also Aurelia, Caben’s mother. She’s given us an idea…possibly. So we need her. And we’ve promised to watch over her.” Lilly looks hopeful, like she’s trying to convince me. There’s no need, though. I understand the responsibility she and the others took on all too well.

“It’s fine. It’s good, actually.” I try to group my thoughts into something constructive, but can’t help noticing Lilly’s expression growing more wary. “It really is all right, Lills. I understand, and what you’re doing…for Caben’s mother? It means a lot to me. But what happened? Where are the armies and the Council? The empress?”

Lena’s gaze narrows on Lilly, her full lips pulling into a frown. “They’ve set off for the Otherworld.” She turns to look at me. “Or at least they’ve commanded the armies to do so. Leaders don’t do the dirty work themselves.”

So their plan is to take out Caben with or without me to be the new vessel. I guess they assume they can force the issue and make that happen eventually. As long as they keep Bale contained in
someone
until that point.

“Orders?”

This low and hesitant request comes from Kaide. I pivot to see him standing near the ladder, a concerned expression on his tan face.

The fear of leading everyone I care for to their graves grips me tight. Like a noose around my neck, or the collar Caben so misleadingly thought was a token of love. I feel the suffocation of it all, and wrap my hands around the back of my neck, working the stressed muscles with my fingers.

“Kal?” Lilly’s questioning tone bleeds into the many thoughts stalling me.

She takes her long layers of red hair and slides them over one shoulder. “We may have a solution,” she says, eying Bax carefully. “In the Cage, we didn’t have much of a choice. But we do now. Every one of us who came here, did so with the knowledge that we might not escape this time. And we’re prepared for that. You probably won’t like what we’re about to suggest…but it’s perhaps the only way. Are
you
prepared?”

My best friend is asking more of me than if I’m prepared to die. More than if I’m prepared to watch them die. Though nothing could ready me for either, I’ve accepted this as my ending. Bale will decimate our world. We are all going to suffer no matter what course we decide on.

But Lilly’s asking me, truly, if I can let Caben go. Because my vow will never be fulfilled. I can live with a lot of shortcomings, but my honor was never one of them. It’s more than pride as a protector or Nactue. It’s the only real thing I’ve ever trusted about myself. The only truth of my existence.

And how sad. So many others have immeasurable belongings to live for: love, family, devotion to a passion. Me? It’s my word. But it’s at least the one thing I can offer someone. A promise.

I hold out my hand and ask for Lilly’s transmitter. If I’m going to fault on my honor, I should at least say my goodbyes to my mother and father first. I understand now that my own father was a pawn in this war. It doesn’t, ultimately, excuse his actions; we still all have a free will. But it does give me something I’ve never had before.

A reason
why
he hurt me so deeply.