Of Love & Regret (11 page)

“Wake up! We’re going to be late for the
movie!” I said even louder, but she still didn’t move a muscle. I sighed as I
walked over to jostle her awake. I had spent many mornings trying to wake her
up so she wouldn’t be late for class.

“Cassie.” I grasped her shoulder and gently
shook her. She fell back so that she was lying flat on the bed, and in that one
moment, my whole world changed.

Deep gashes had been slashed vertically from
her wrists to halfway down her forearms. All I could see was red. The red of
the blood covering her arms; the red of her blood-soaked clothes and the
mattress beneath her; the red on my hands as I futilely scrabbled to put
pressure on her wounds to try to stop the bleeding. Her eyes were closed, far
removed from the death scene she had created.

I heard wailing that sounded almost inhuman,
as if an animal was being slaughtered. Only later would I realize that the
sounds had come from me. The next few moments were a blur as I screamed through
the open door of our room for help as I grabbed my cell phone from my bag and
frantically dialed 9-1-1.

Everything I touched turned red. The wall
that I grasped to hold myself up as I begged the operator to send an ambulance
as fast as possible; my phone that I was gripping so tightly that it was
cutting into my fingers; the edge of the bed cover as I sank to my knees and
frantically followed the directions of the operator who was trying to help me
save Cassie.

I was vaguely aware of the cries and sobs of
people behind me as they gathered to witness Cassie’s death. I was too
distraught trying to save her life to notice, not realizing that it was an
impossible feat.

A shuddering sob
wracked my body as I closed my eyes against the images, but the darkness of my
mind only made them more vivid. It had already been too late by the time the
paramedics had arrived; she was already gone.

I had experienced a
paradigm shift that day. Life had always been filled with endless possibilities,
and I had been so sure of certain truths. I trusted my instincts and believed
that people were who they showed themselves to be. I believed that the happy,
confident people of this world would lead happy, confident lives. I never
doubted that having a bright future was a right, not a privilege.

All those beliefs had
been crushed that day. I realized how precarious life was and that happiness
was often just an illusion to hide the most damaged hearts. The hardest lesson
I learned that day was about myself. I wasn’t who I believed I was, who I hoped
to be. I had built my character on trust, loyalty and integrity, but it had
been built on a foundation of sand. That day, I had promised myself I would
spend the rest of my life trying to make up for my sins.

My heart ached in
present day and I felt utterly alone as I sat in my apartment. I was bitterly
disappointed that Logan hadn’t reached out to me, but I realized that it was
only right. I didn’t deserve the comfort of his presence when I had betrayed Cassie
again with a kiss.

Day turned into
night, and my melancholy deepened with the darkening sky. I stopped watching my
phone, not caring whether Logan contacted me anymore. I took a double dose of
sleeping pills and went to bed, praying that my sleep would be a dreamless one.

Chapter Nine

Getting out of bed
on Friday was a feat in itself. I had to remind myself multiple times that I
had a deadline to meet for my article, and l couldn’t hide from real life just because
of the guilt weighing heavily on me.

The thought of
taking a shower was overwhelming, so I just washed my face, ran a perfunctory
toothbrush in my mouth, and got to work. I was bleary-eyed when I finished, and
I was sure it was far from my best, but I heaved a sigh of relief when I was
able to email the article to my boss.

It was almost
three o’clock in the afternoon by the time I was done. I resented the sunlight
streaming through my windows, wishing that the weather matched my despondent
mood. I decided the best thing to do was to go back to bed, and I trudged to my
room and crawled underneath the covers.

I was exhausted
from the emotions roiling inside me and was able to fall asleep easily. The next
thing I knew, I was jarred from a deep sleep by pounding on the door to my
apartment. I was disoriented as I rubbed my eyes and checked the time. I
couldn’t believe that I had been asleep for almost four hours and it was
already dark outside.

The pounding on
the door sounded again.

“What the hell,” I
muttered as I dragged myself out of bed. My brain was still half-asleep as I
made my way to the front door, turning on the lights along the way. I didn’t
immediately register who I saw on the other side when I peered through my
peephole. My hand, which had been about to unlock the deadbolt, froze when my
brain caught up with my eyes. What the hell was Logan doing here?

“Madison, I can
hear you on the other side of the door. I saw the lights turn on through the
crack of the doorway. Don’t even think about pretending you’re not home.”

I jumped guiltily
at the sound of his voice. That was exactly what I had been contemplating.

I took a deep
breath before opening the door. I wasn’t sure why Logan was here, but not
letting him in would only result in my neighbors wondering why a lunatic was
banging down my door.

Despite all my
reservations, I hungrily drank in the sight of him when I opened the door. I
didn’t miss the dark circles under his eyes or the lines of fatigue on his
face, but he was still as beautiful as ever. Even with an angry expression.

“You didn’t have
to try to break down my door,” I said caustically, pushing aside the flicker of
pleasure by his arrival. “Knocking like a normal person would have sufficed.
How did you get inside my building anyway? I didn’t buzz you up.”

“Someone was
leaving the building right when I arrived.” Logan raised an eyebrow. “Are you
going to let me in?”

“Talk about crappy
building security,” I muttered. I remained in the doorway, not letting him come
in. I didn’t know if I was emotionally prepared to deal with him right now.
“What are you doing here?”

“I don’t want to
talk about this in the hallway.”

My mouth opened to
protest, but before I could utter a word, he gently but firmly grasped my
shoulders and pushed me back as he stepped inside my apartment. He had already
closed the door behind him by the time I was able to voice my objections. “I
don’t remember inviting you in!”

My aggravation grew
when he ignored me and stalked into the living room. He turned around to face
me, and I was suddenly aware of the coiled tension in his body as he watched
me. I almost felt like I was prey being tracked by a predator, and I faltered,
stopping several feet away from him.

“I ran into Emily
tonight during a client dinner.” His hair was already mussed as if he had run
his fingers through it several times, and he confirmed it by raking his hand
through it once again as he watched me.

“Okay,” I said
slowly, not understanding what this was leading to. “I didn’t realize that was
important enough for you to storm into my apartment to let me know.”

Logan made an
attempt at a smile, but it was more of a grimace. “She was under the impression
that everything is fine between us.”

I was growing
impatient with this. “So what?” I hadn’t wanted to explain the mess to Emily,
especially since I had enough to discuss with her with Adam’s proposal, so I
had told her everything was still good between Logan and me. The thought of
Adam’s proposal sparked a thought, and with growing horror, I realized that
Emily could have mentioned it to Logan if she assumed he already knew about it.

“So she happened
to mention how conflicted you were about Adam’s proposal. She was wondering
what my opinion of it was.”

The distance
between Logan and I diminished quickly as he stalked closer to me, and I had to
resist the urge to step back. “That’s why you’re here? It’s none of your
business.” I tried to make my voice nonchalant, but anxiety was mounting as
Logan came closer. His jaw was tight and his blue eyes were stormy.

“I beg to differ.
It
is
my business. Everything that
has to do with you is my business.”

“Are you crazy?”
Instead of a barb, it was a genuine question. I was confused by his intensity
and the possessiveness I saw in his expression.

“I’m crazy for
sitting by for the last three years, just hoping you’d come to your senses on
your own. When I first got into contact with you again, you were just starting
to date that moron, and I thought it would fizzle out on its own before it
really began. Instead, you let him latch onto you, and I’ve been stuck humoring
that idiot for three years, waiting for you to realize he was wrong for you.”

I gaped at him,
shocked by what he was saying. Although he had revealed his true feelings about
our platonic friendship when we had fought at the Brooks’ home, I had no idea
how far-reaching it was. It was hard to believe that he had been harboring
these feelings for three years. For so long, I had truly thought he was content
to be just friends.

He narrowed his
eyes. “Now you’re actually considering spending the rest of your life with this
guy. I should be the one asking if
you’re
crazy.”

I was jarred out
of my stupor by his biting words. “Despite what you may think, this is none of your
business. My relationship with Adam, and whether or not I marry him, has
nothing to do with you. You knew from the beginning that I wanted nothing but
friendship from you. It’s not my fault that you wanted otherwise this whole
entire time.”

Logan grabbed my
shoulders, his grip almost painful as his eyes bored into mine. “Tell me
there’s nothing between us. Tell me you feel nothing for me besides friendship
and I’ll disappear from your life, and you can ride off into the sunset with
that fucking asshole.”

It should be easy
to tell him exactly that to get rid of him. Reliving Cassie’s death yesterday
had reinforced the fact that I didn’t deserve to have him in my life. I barely
deserved his friendship, let alone the chance to pursue something more. My brain
ordered my mouth to say the words, to tell him that there was nothing between
us, but my voice wouldn’t cooperate.

I saw a flare of
triumph in his eyes when I remained silent, and his head lowered with purpose.
I staggered back before he could kiss me, freeing myself from his grasp in a
panic. Even if I couldn’t say the words out loud, I knew I could never allow
myself to cross that line with him again.

“We can’t,” I
choked out. “You know why. Don’t you even remember what yesterday was?”

Logan briefly closed
his eyes, and his jaw worked like he was trying to get control of his emotions.
When he opened his eyes again, he looked calmer but no less intense.

“Madison, of
course I remember what yesterday was. It was difficult to not contact you, but
I didn’t think you’d welcome it. It was a hard day for me, too, but how long
are you going to hold yourself responsible for Cassie’s death? It’s been eight
years. It’s time to forgive yourself. Don’t get me wrong. I know how hard it
is. I tortured myself for a long time afterwards, trying to think of what I could
have done to save her. In the end, I truly believe nothing we could have done
would have made a difference.”

A rage and sorrow
that I didn’t even know was building inside me burst, and in that moment I
hated Logan as much as I hated myself.

“What the hell are
you talking about?” I cried out, my voice ragged with emotion. “
We
killed her! You were her fucking
boyfriend who cheated on her! And I’m the one you cheated with! Why do you
think she killed herself? Because she realized that the two people she cared
about most in the world betrayed her! We may as well have slit her wrists for
her.”

Tears streamed
down my face, and I desperately tried to control my sobs, but I couldn’t muffle
the voice inside my head.
You killed her,
it accused tauntingly.
You killed her,
and you can never forgive yourself for it. You’ll spend the rest of your life
hating yourself because that’s what you deserve.

Logan’s face had
turned ashen and he shook his head. “Maddie, no. She didn’t know. That’s not
why she killed herself.”

“How do you know?”
I screamed, no longer able to keep the sobs at bay as despair wracked my body.
“Why else would she have ended her life?”

Logan raised an
arm to reach out to me, but I instinctively flinched, not wanting him to touch
me. His hand dropped and I saw a mixture of sorrow and guilt on his face.

“I’m sure she
didn’t know. How could she? We have no idea why she killed herself. She didn’t
leave a note explaining why she did it. She wasn’t the happy-go-lucky person
she tried to make everyone believe she was. She had bouts of depression she
never told anyone about. I only knew because she couldn’t hold it in anymore,
and one day, she broke down in front of me. I had no idea it would lead to
suicide.” Logan’s voice broke as he continued to speak. “Do you know how much I
beat myself up afterwards? I should have said something to someone. To you or
her parents. I should have gotten her help, but I just didn’t think it was that
bad. She made me promise not to tell anyone.”

I shook my head,
not wanting to believe I could have known so little about my best friend. “No.
That’s not possible. We were friends for ten years. We practically spent every
day together. How could I not know something like that?”

“Because she
didn’t want you to know. She hid it from you. She hid it from everyone. I just
happened to be there the one day she couldn’t hide it.”

“She knew I’d be
the one to find her.” My voice was shaking and barely audible. “She planned it
that way. We were supposed to go to the movies that day and she knew I’d be
home right after my last class. She locked the door so no one could enter our
room except me. She made sure I’d be the one to find her. To punish me. To
show me I was responsible. Why else would she do that unless she had known
about us?”

I looked at Logan,
almost begging him for a reason that would make sense. To make myself believe
that Cassie hadn’t punished me for betraying her by making sure I was the one
to find her lifeless body. But I knew there was nothing he could say that would
make me believe otherwise.

“I don’t know.”
Logan’s voice was low and the pain he was feeling was evident on his face. “I don’t
know why she did what she did, but I know that you were the most important
person in her life. No matter what, she wouldn’t have planned it that way to
punish you. Maybe she wanted you to be the one to find her because she trusted
you the most.”

I covered my face
with my hands as I cried uncontrollably, knowing that he was wrong. I had
pushed my best friend to her death by my selfish actions. And I was betraying
her again by letting my feelings for Logan get the best of me. This had to
stop.

When my sobs
finally subsided, I looked up to find Logan still standing in front of me,
rooted to his spot. His hands were balled into fists at his sides, like he was
physically restraining himself from reaching out to me. I took a step back to
put more space between us.

“Don’t do this.”
Logan’s voice was rough and uneven. “Don’t give up on us before we’ve even had
a chance. We can take time to figure out what the hell is going on between us,
but don’t put an end to the possibility of something more by running into the
arms of another man just because you’re scared.”

I pressed my lips
together at the ludicrousness of his statement. “Isn’t that what I would be
doing if I came to you? Adam isn’t just some man. He’s my boyfriend. He’s the
wronged party in all of this, not you or me. Once again, we’re willing to hurt
other people just to get what we want, but this time I’m not going to take it
any further.”

“Madison
–
”

I put my hand up
to stop him. I didn’t think I could take anymore. “Please, Logan. Just leave.
Leave before I say things to you that I’ll regret. I think I always knew our
friendship was a ticking time bomb that would blow up in my face. It was only a
matter of time. Leave before I regret ever having you in my life.”

There was a heavy
silence as we faced each other. A dozen emotions crossed Logan’s face, until
finally there was nothing left but resignation.

“Call me if you’re
ever brave enough to face the truth, although I can’t promise I’ll be available
if and when that day ever comes.”

With those last
words that cut me to the core, he walked out of my life.