Of Love & Regret (13 page)

He made a sound of impatience when I refused
to answer him. “Fine, you don’t want to tell me, then I’ll tell you how I
feel.” He took a deep breath before continuing. “It didn’t start with that
kiss. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you for a while. I told myself
we were just good friends, that I enjoyed your company because we got along so
well, and it was nothing more than that. I think all along I knew I was lying
to myself, but it gave me permission to spend time with you without feeling
guilty.”

I stared up at him, shocked by what he was
telling me. I had believed our kiss had just been a single indiscretion in a
moment of insanity. I had never thought for one moment that he felt more, and
had for some time.

Logan dropped his hand from my arm and ran
it through his hair in frustration. “Sometimes, I would wonder if you had
feelings for me. I would catch you looking at me in a certain way that would
make me think you did. But every time I tried to muster up the courage to say
something, you would act like you felt nothing for me but friendship. I didn’t
know if I was just imagining it all.”

My heart started beating faster, hammering
against my ribcage at a frenetic pace. I was torn; on one hand, I wanted to
tell him to stop, because nothing good could come out of his confession, but
another part of me was desperate to hear it. In the end, I just let him
continue.

“But I wasn’t imagining my feelings for
you,” Logan said with a sad smile. “I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I made
excuses to come over when I knew Cassie wouldn’t be here. When I was with
Cassie, I felt guilty because of my feelings for you, but I couldn’t stop
wanting to be with you instead. I even tried to break up with Cassie because I
knew it wasn’t fair to her, but she didn’t take it well. She broke down and
begged me to give our relationship another chance.” Logan spoke quickly when he
saw how my face whitened. “Don’t worry, I didn’t tell her that the reason I
wanted to end things was because of my feelings for you.” Logan grimaced. “She
was so distraught that somehow I ended up agreeing to stay together. I
shouldn’t have caved, but I was stupid. It isn’t fair to any of us to go on
pretending.”

I was shocked by his revelation. I thought
Cassie and I told each other everything, but she had never once mentioned to me
that Logan had tried to break up with her.

“I-I never knew,” I faltered. “She never
told me about that.”

“I’m not surprised. She wanted everyone to
think we had the perfect relationship, but I think we just got used to the idea
of being together.” Logan reached up and cupped my cheek, gently brushing it
with his thumb. “But with you, everything seems right. I wake up thinking about
you, wondering if I’ll get to see you. Throughout the day, I wonder what you’re
doing and whether you’re thinking about me. You’re the last thought in my mind before
I fall asleep. I know I said that kiss was a mistake, but it was the first
right thing I’ve done in this whole mess. I—“ Logan swallowed hard, his
blue eyes dark with emotion. “I’m falling in love with you. Actually, I think
I’ve already fallen.”

My lips trembled, and I pressed them
together, trying to get my chaotic emotions under control. His gaze dropped to
my mouth, and he leaned in closer. Despite knowing that my feelings for him ran
much deeper than I wanted to admit, I couldn’t forget about Cassie this time.

“We can’t do this,” I whispered, my voice
shaking. “It’s not fair to Cassie. She loves you. Even if you don’t feel the
same way about her, she’ll be devastated if you leave her. I can’t be a part of
that. I can’t hurt her like that.”

“Just tell me you don’t feel the same way
about me. Then I’ll leave you alone. Either way, things are over between me and
Cassie.” Logan’s voice was low, and his thumb dropped to brush against my lower
lip, making it almost impossible for me to breathe.

“I can’t,” I finally admitted, my voice
trembling in a mixture of fear and anticipation. “I can’t tell you that I don’t
feel the same way about you, because I do.”

That was the only thing Logan needed to hear,
and the moment his lips touched mine, I was lost. I leaned up as our kiss
deepened, wrapping my arms around his neck. He wasted no time in taking
advantage of my surrender and splayed his hands on the small of my back,
pushing my body against his. I gasped at the thrill of pleasure that went
through me when I felt his body pressed against mine, and Logan took the
opportunity to thrust his tongue into my mouth.

Our first kiss had been sweet. This kiss had
all the pent-up desire that had been building while we had been apart, and the
intensity of it quickly spiraled out of control. I had no idea how we ended up
on my bed; all I knew was that the weight of Logan’s hard body pressing me into
the mattress awakened a ravenous hunger.

Clothes were quickly shed, and then I was
aware of nothing but Logan’s mouth and hands exploring my body, setting me on
fire. There was no thought behind our actions, only primal desire.

I let out an inarticulate cry when he
captured my aroused nipple in his mouth, suckling hard and making the ache
between my legs almost unbearable. I was torn between shyness and desire when
his mouth made its way lower and his hands pulled my thighs apart. I had only had
sex with one other person; a senior I had dated for a few months last year, but
that relationship had fizzled out before it had even started. We had sex a few
times, and while it was passably pleasurable, it had never once felt like this.
And he had never used his mouth on me the way Logan obviously planned to use
his.

My thighs instinctively closed and he looked
up at me. I was amazed by the hungry expression on his face that was taut with
desire.

“You don’t want me to?” he asked, his voice
thick and guttural.

“I…” I trailed off, feeling embarrassed by
my inexperience and naïveté. “I’ve just never had anyone do that before.”

I wasn’t sure, but it seemed like a look of satisfaction
crossed Logan’s face. “Let me make you feel good. Trust me, this is as much for
me as it is for you. I want to taste you.”

My body shuddered in anticipation and pure
lust by his words. He gently but firmly pulled my thighs apart again and this
time the thought of closing myself to him never crossed my mind.

He kept his eyes on mine as he lowered his
head, but my eyes fluttered closed when I felt the warmth of his raspy tongue
against my aching wetness. A sound that was more animal than human escaped me,
and my head tilted back, my breathing growing erratic and shallow as he continued
to use his tongue to drive me crazy. I was aware of nothing but the sensations
coursing through me and the sound of Logan worshipping me with his mouth.

I panted as my body writhed, almost unable
to handle the unbearable pleasure. He had to anchor me to the bed, otherwise I probably
would have thrown myself off with the jerky movements my hips were making. I had
never climaxed during sex before, but I had orgasmed plenty of times on my own.
The tension that was building in me couldn’t compare to what I had felt by my
own hands. Just when I thought I couldn’t take anymore, Logan thrust a finger
inside me as he latched onto my swollen bud, sucking and laving it with his
tongue. When he pushed a second finger inside me, I came undone.

I cried out as I climaxed in undulating
waves, my body spasming uncontrollably as I was lost in a sea of pure
sensation. Afterwards, my body felt boneless, and I was barely conscious as the
haze of desire cleared. I heard Logan say something to me, but I couldn’t
register what the words meant because I was in such a daze. When he moved up my
body to kiss me, he repeated it.

“I love you, Maddie.”

Tears welled up in my eyes as my heart
almost exploded. I would never forget the way Logan looked at me in that
moment. His beautiful face—the face that made girls crane their necks to
get a good look at him when he passed—had such an expression of heartfelt
vulnerability that I felt shattered. I said to him the only thing that I knew
was true. What I had known for months but had been too scared to admit, even to
myself.

“I love you, too, Logan.”

I thought nothing could feel as intense as
what I had just experienced, but when he plunged inside me as we stared into
each other’s eyes, I knew that no one would ever compare to this man above me,
loving me as much as I loved him.

I dropped my head
as the painful memories washed over me. I was once again conscious of Emily’s
presence and steeled myself for her reaction before speaking.

“That night, he
confessed his feelings for me. He told me that he loved me. And I admitted that
I felt the same way about him. Then we made love.”

I looked up,
expecting to see judgment on Emily’s face, but there was only interest and
concern. Still, I rushed to try to explain my behavior.

“I never thought I
would be the type of person that would betray a friend like that. Not only a friend
but my best friend; someone I considered a sister. Yet in that moment, I forgot
about everything besides Logan. I don’t know how else to explain it.”

Emily shrugged. “I
mean, it wasn’t the best way to go about it, but you were young. Everyone makes
mistakes.”

I shook my head.
“Some mistakes haunt you for the rest of your life.” I took a deep breath,
trying to steady myself for what was yet to come. “While we were making love,
nothing mattered besides what I felt for Logan. But the moment we were finished
and I was able to think clearly, reality came crashing down on me. I was almost
hysterical over what we had done. It was unforgivable. I should have told
Cassie the truth about my feelings for Logan instead of acting on them. Maybe
admitting them would have made them go away. Maybe not, but at least it would
have been the honest thing to do. I couldn’t believe I was capable of hurting
her like that. I had always thought of myself as a good person. Someone who
wouldn’t intentionally hurt others. That night, I found out I was the exact
opposite. I was selfish and willing to do whatever I wanted, regardless of the
consequences.”

Emily raised her
eyebrows. “I think you’re being a little hard on yourself. We’ve all done
things we regret.”

I looked at her
with shame and sorrow. “But it didn’t end there. That night, I swore that I
would never let anything happen between Logan and I again. He wasn’t happy
about it, and he didn’t agree, but I told him I needed some time and space to
decide what to do.” My lips pressed together. “I even begged him to not break
up with Cassie. He insisted that he was going to end things with her regardless
of what happened between us, but I couldn’t help feeling like I was
responsible. I knew she would be devastated by it, so I begged him to postpone
it until we both had clearer heads. He was reluctant, but he finally agreed.”

I would never
forget the disappointment on Logan’s face when I made him promise to not end
things with Cassie until I had time to think. I knew he took it as me not being
sure about my feelings for him, but it was actually the exact opposite. My
feelings for him were so intense that it scared me, and I was afraid of the
fallout when the inevitable happened and Cassie found out.

“The next couple
of weeks were horrible,” I said, feeling sick to my stomach from the memory. “I
was paranoid, convinced that Cassie would find out. I knew I had to tell her
the truth, but every time I came close, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.
I didn’t think I could handle the look on her face when she realized I wasn’t
the person she thought I was. Yet at the same time, I couldn’t stop thinking
about Logan, wishing that things were different and we could be together. It
was a crazy mix of emotions. I was wracked with guilt one moment, and in the
next it was almost unbearable how much I missed Logan. I was careful not to
spend any time alone with him, and whenever he was with Cassie, I made sure I
wasn’t around.”

I gripped my hands
together tightly, trying to keep myself from breaking down. “After two weeks,
Logan couldn’t take it anymore. He confronted me and told me he was breaking up
with Cassie, that he was done pretending. He said he wouldn’t tell Cassie about
us, but it was time to end their relationship.” I leaned back on the couch as I
remembered the intensity of his expression. “He was pretty angry about it all.
He said he knew we shouldn’t have done anything before he broke up with Cassie,
but what was done was done. He told me it was up to me whether we would be
together or not, but he hoped that I wouldn’t let my fear ruin what we had
together.”

I hung my head in
shame. “In that moment, I realized that I couldn’t live without him. I needed
to tell Cassie the truth and face the consequences. Not only did she deserve
it, but selfish as it was, coming clean was the only way I could give Logan and
myself a chance.” My voice started to shake as I continued. “But her birthday
was in just a couple of days. I didn’t want that day to be ruined for the rest
of her life with the memory of her boyfriend and best friend admitting that
they had betrayed her. So I convinced Logan that not only should we wait to
tell her the truth about us, but he should wait to break up with her.”

I looked up with a
smile full of melancholy. “Her birthday was actually a lot of fun. She was a
little disappointed that Logan couldn’t spend the day with her because he had
to go home for a couple of days. I knew he was just doing that so we didn’t
have the awkwardness of having to pretend in front of her. But Cassie and I had
a blast together. She didn’t feel like doing the typical college thing and go binge-drinking,
so we went to a nearby amusement park. We were like little kids again, riding
roller coasters and making ourselves sick with cotton candy and funnel cake.”
My eyes became unfocused as I thought about that day. It had been bittersweet
for me. It had reminded me of how much I valued Cassie’s friendship and how
much she meant to me. It also brought home the fact that I didn’t know what I
would do without her. I was bound to lose her friendship once she knew the
truth.