Of Love & Regret (17 page)

“Just leave,” I
said tiredly, emotionally drained by our altercation. “Our relationship is
over. No good is going to come out of fighting about our past.”

Adam stared at me
for a few moments, and I was afraid that he was going to protest, but he
finally stood up and made his way to the front door. I was reminded of how
drunk he was when he stumbled along the way, although that didn’t excuse any of
his behavior. My cheek still throbbed from his backhand, and I still couldn’t
fully comprehend that he had actually struck me.

He opened the door
and turned to me. His face was impassive when he spoke, and I couldn’t tell if
he was being matter-of-fact or if he was trying to hurt me. “Your relationship
with Logan will never last.”

I didn’t bother to
respond to his parting words, and was relieved when I closed the door behind
him. I winced as I grazed the cut inside my cheek with my tongue. I had never
been scared of Adam while we had been together, and although I didn’t excuse
the fact that he had gotten physically abusive, I attributed his
uncharacteristic behavior today to alcohol.

Though Adam had
left, my adrenaline was still running high, and I tried to calm myself with a
glass of wine. I didn’t want Logan to see me upset, and I especially didn’t
want to tell him about what had happened between me and Adam. I decided to tell
him that Adam had come over because I didn’t want to hide anything from him,
but I knew he wouldn’t be able to handle hearing that Adam had struck me, so I
decided to omit that part.

It was past nine
o’clock by the time Logan arrived bearing cartons of Thai take-out.

“You must be
starving,” he said as he dropped a quick kiss on my mouth and set the bag of
food on the coffee table. “Sorry I’m so late.”

“It’s okay.”
Logan’s presence had a calming effect on me, and I could almost forget the
ugliness of what had happened earlier with Adam. “I had a snack while I waited
for you.”

Logan slipped his
hand to the back of my neck and pulled me closer for a longer kiss when he
stopped abruptly with a frown. “What happened to your face?”

The red, angry
mark on my cheek where Adam had struck me had faded, but it was now turning
into the beginnings of an ugly bruise.

“I tripped over my
own feet, and my cheek hit the side of the coffee table.” I made a
self-deprecating face. “I guess gracefulness isn’t one of my traits.”

Logan’s frown
deepened as he tilted my head up by my chin and studied the bruise. “You must
have hit it pretty hard to leave a mark like that. It must have been painful.
You should have called me.”

I made a face at
him. “For what? To tell you that I’m clumsy and apparently can’t walk without
tripping over my own two feet? It looks a lot worse than it is. It doesn’t hurt
anymore.”

“Poor baby,” he
murmured as his lips grazed my cheek lightly, the touch barely a whisper. I
instinctively melted into him, stirred by how gentle this strong man could be.
Despite my growing desire, my stomach interrupted with a loud grumbling.

“Sorry,” I said
with a laugh, feeling slightly embarrassed. “I guess I’m hungrier than I
thought.”

Logan grinned.
“It’s okay. There’s plenty of time for that later.”

We laid out the
take-out on the coffee table and dug into cartons of Pad Thai and chicken
curry. We caught up on our daily happenings, and I purposely waited until we
were done eating to bring up the topic of Adam.

“Adam stopped by
today,” I said after we had cleaned up and settled back onto the couch. “I
wasn’t expecting him, but I guess he felt like we still had some things we
needed to talk about.”

Logan’s body went
from relaxed to tense in a matter of seconds. “What exactly did he think you
two needed to talk about?” His voice was calm, but I didn’t miss the tightening
of his jaw.

“Nothing we hadn’t
discussed before. I think because our relationship ended so abruptly, he needed
some time to process it. He had some things he wanted to get off his chest.”
There was no need to tell Logan about how drunk he had been or the ugly things
he had revealed.

Logan didn’t
accept my vague explanation and pushed for more. “Like what?”

“Well,” I started
slowly, trying to determine how much I should tell him. “He wanted to see if we
could give our relationship another try. Obviously, I told him there was no way
that was going to happen. I wasn’t planning on telling him about us, because
it’s none of his business, but he saw your cufflinks.” I gestured towards them
on the coffee table. “He got upset and accused me of cheating on him with you
while we were still together. I told him we didn’t start a relationship until
after he and I had broken up and then he left.” I shrugged as I finished my
explanation. “That’s about it.”

Logan’s expression
had progressively darkened as I spoke until he was scowling fiercely. It
reaffirmed my decision not to tell him everything. If he was this upset about
the glossed-over version of what had happened, I didn’t want to see his
reaction if he knew the entire truth.

“Call me the next
time he decides to unexpectedly drop by. I have a few things I want to say to
him.” His words weren’t necessarily menacing, but his tone and expression said
otherwise.

“I doubt that’s
going to happen. We said everything that needed to be said. There’s nothing
left to talk about.”

Logan’s expression
remained grim. “Then maybe I should pay him a visit. I don’t like the idea of
him thinking that he can drop by whenever he wants. Plus, I never got to tell
him what an asshole I think he is.”

I resisted the
urge to roll my eyes at his show of machismo. While I appreciated the sentiment
behind it, I didn’t need Logan to act like a proprietary caveman. It was a
trait that I was growing increasingly aware of, and I definitely didn’t like
it.

“I don’t think
that’s necessary,” I said, trying to hide my impatience with his attitude. “I
made it clear to Adam that things are over between us. Besides, it’s not like
I’m exactly guilt-free. If I’m being completely honest, things got complicated
between us before I broke up with him, and I
did
refuse his proposal. I can understand why he’s upset.”

I had felt a lot
guiltier about the circumstances of our breakup, but after Adam’s revelations
today, I just felt lucky to have not wasted another minute on him. Logan didn’t
seem pacified by my reasoning. Instead, he looked even more irritated.

“So, now you’re
defending him? He wasted three years of your life, and now you’re on his side?”

“You’re not even
making sense,” I said, not bothering to hide my exasperation anymore. “How am I
defending him? And it’s not really fair to say he wasted three years of my
life. I
chose
to spend three years
with him. He didn’t hold me at gunpoint to have a relationship with him.”

Logan’s eyes
narrowed. “So, you’re saying that those three years meant something to you? Do
you still want to be with him?”

I threw up my
hands in frustration. “Where is this coming from? All I said was that I
understood why he would be upset. We were together for three years, and then
not only did I refuse to marry him but I broke up with him out of the blue.
Just because I understand where he’s coming from doesn’t mean I want to be with
him!”

Logan didn’t speak
for a while as he studied me, his expression grim. I was annoyed by his
attitude and the meaningless of this fight. I had been looking forward to a
relaxing evening with Logan and instead we were arguing about things that
didn’t matter.

“Did you ever love
him?” he asked quietly, his voice flat.

“At one time, I
thought I did,” I answered truthfully. “But I think the reality was that I
wanted to be in love, and he was there at the right time. I realized a while
ago that we were wrong for each other, but I became complacent in our
relationship. It was comfortable and easy because I wasn’t totally invested. I
hate admitting it now, that I was willing to settle for so little, but at the
time it was enough.”

“What about now?
Do you love me?”

Logan’s question
took me completely off guard. My first instinct was to answer yes, but honestly,
I wasn’t sure. I had loved him as a friend before, and now that we were so much
more, I wasn’t exactly sure what my feelings were. A long time ago, I had been
positive that he was the love of my life, but I had been young and naïve. I
pushed that thought aside because it was dangerously close to leading me to think
about Cassie, and I had been fervently trying to forget about her since Logan
and I had started a relationship.

“I don’t know,” I
finally answered. I didn’t want to hurt him, but it would be worse to tell him
yes when I wasn’t sure. He flinched as if I had physically struck him, and I
hurried to try to explain myself. “We’re just starting our relationship. I
don’t want to rush into words that’ll put pressure on us. I just want to let
this take its course naturally.”

I reached out to
take Logan’s hand, and although he didn’t pull away, I could feel the mental distance
he put between us. I squeezed his hand, unnerved by his silence.

“Are we okay?” I
asked, not knowing what else to say.

Logan took a long
time to answer. When he finally spoke, he looked more resigned than upset. “I
don’t know, Madison. I thought things were finally different between us. I
thought we had finally buried our demons so that we could have a real chance at
a relationship, but I feel you putting up walls between us.”

Instead of making
me rethink my viewpoint on the status of our relationship, his words made my
hackles rise. Just because I wasn’t falling all over myself to proclaim my love
for him didn’t mean I wasn’t giving us a chance. We had technically only been
dating for two weeks. It was unreasonable for Logan to demand so much of me so
quickly.

“I’m not putting
up walls between us,” I said, trying to keep the irritation from my voice but I
pulled my hand away from his. “We’ve just started dating. I think it’s a little
unrealistic for you to expect me to tell you exactly what my feelings are so early
in the relationship.”

“Early in the
relationship?” Logan repeated disbelievingly. “We’ve spent the past year
practically glued at the hip. It’s a little insulting to say that we’ve only
been together for two weeks.”

“We were friends,
Logan!” I said in exasperation. “That’s a little different than dating. I don’t
know what you want from me. I’m willing to give this relationship a try, but
you’re making it hard on me by demanding too much too fast.”

“Well, I guess I
should just be grateful for that,” he replied sarcastically. “I’m so glad that
you’re begrudgingly willing to give me a chance.”

“That’s not what I
meant!” My frustration was growing the more we talked. “You know how hard it is
for me with…” I trailed off, not wanting to bring up the topic I had been
avoiding. “You know this isn’t easy for me because of the past,” I finally
finished.

“Just say her
name,” Logan pushed. “You think the only way for us to be together is for you
to forget about Cassie, but that’s going to end up being the reason why we
fail. You can’t just forget about a huge part of your past. You loved her, and
you should remember her that way instead of trying to pretend like she never
existed.”

I was so angry
that it was hard for me to speak without yelling. I glared at him, furious that
he had brought her up. “Drop the shrink routine. I don’t need you to presume to
know what’s going on inside my head. I told you before that I didn’t want the
topic of Cassie to be brought up. If you can’t respect that, just tell me now
so I don’t waste either of our time.”

Instead of
becoming angry, his expression turned bleak, but he nodded. “I’m willing to do
it your way. But it’s going to end up blowing up in our faces. Sooner or later
you’re going to start to resent me even though it’s your choice to pretend
Cassie never existed.”

I didn’t want to
fight anymore, and I didn’t want to talk about Cassie. I wasn’t sure Logan was
entirely wrong, but I did know that I could never be with him with Cassie
between us. My guilt wouldn’t allow it. So the only way for us to be together
was to keep Cassie in the past, as much as it pained me.

“Let’s not argue
about it,” I said, wanting to put the evening back on track. “I’ve been looking
forward to seeing you all day, and I don’t want to waste any of our time together
fighting.”

The lines of
tension on Logan’s face relaxed, and he pulled me towards him. “I can think of
another way we can pass the time,” he said with a slight smile, easily putting
our cross words behind us.

“And what exactly
would that be?” I said coyly, pressing my hand against his chest, loving the
warmth of his firm muscles.

“Showing is so
much better than telling.” Logan wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, and I
laughed as he stood and pulled me to my feet. Everything was forgotten once we
reached the bedroom, and I was able to convince myself that we had a real
chance at happiness.

Chapter Thirteen

I glanced at my
cell phone next to my laptop with a frown. I was knee deep in writing my latest
article, and the ringing had broken my concentration. I didn’t recognize the
phone number flashing across the screen, and I debated letting it go straight
to voicemail, but at the last minute, I answered it.

“Hello?”

“Madison, it’s
Cassie’s mother.”

The last person I
had expected to hear from was Mrs. Brooks, especially after I had left her
house so abruptly on Cassie’s birthday.

“Hi, Mrs. Brooks,”
I said, trying to pretend like this was a happy surprise. “It’s good to hear
from you.”

“I need to see
you. I’m in Chicago. Can you meet me for lunch?”

I had never known
Mrs. Brooks to venture into Chicago since I had lived here. She spent most of
her life within a small circumference of her home, and her life consisted
primarily of a handful of volunteer organizations and spending time with her
husband. I wondered if he knew she was in Chicago.

“Sure,” I replied,
although meeting up with Mrs. Brooks was the last thing I wanted to do. As much
as I wanted to refuse, I felt like I couldn’t, and I thought it best to refrain
from asking questions until I saw her in person. I checked my watch and saw
that it was almost noon. “Where exactly are you? I can come meet you.”

“I’m in the Loop.
I thought we could go to Benson’s.”

“I know where that
is. Is one o’clock okay?”

“It’s perfect.
I’ll be waiting for you.”

After I hung up
the phone, I considered whether I should call Mr. Brooks to see if he knew his
wife was in Chicago. Despite being an adult, she wasn’t exactly in the right
state of mind, and I knew he kept a close eye on her comings and goings.
Ultimately, my last encounter with Mr. Brooks discouraged me from reaching out
to him. We hadn’t left on good terms, and I figured I could contact him after
meeting with Cassie’s mother if I found out he was unaware of her whereabouts.

I quickly changed
clothes and tried to make myself presentable. I was nervous as hell, but I told
myself that Mrs. Brooks wanting to meet me for lunch didn’t necessarily mean
anything significant. She had sounded fine on the phone, so maybe this was just
a social call.

Benson’s was an
old school, upscale restaurant with dark paneling and leather-covered booths.
By the time I arrived, I was in a calmer state of mind, and was able to smile naturally
at Mrs. Brooks when the hostess guided me to the table where she was waiting.
She stood and kissed me lightly on the cheek as I breathed in her flowery
perfume.

“Thank you for
meeting me on such short notice, dear,” she said as she sat back down. I
followed suit and tried to look cheerful.

“Of course,” I
said. “What brings you to Chicago?”

Before she could
answer, the waiter came over to take my drink order since Mrs. Brooks already
had a glass of wine in front of her. I just requested a glass of water since I
was hoping to make this as quick of a lunch as possible.

“I wanted to talk
to you.”

My stomach clenched
in nervousness but I kept a smile on my face. “You came all the way to Chicago just
to talk to me? About what?”

She leaned forward,
discomfiting me by the way her eyes pierced into me. Her smile had disappeared,
and her lips were now pressed together tightly in disapproval.

“I’m disappointed
in you, Madison. You’re Cassie’s best friend. You know how much you mean to
her. How could you?”

I didn’t know how
to respond to her accusatory words. I didn’t want to believe that I knew what
she was referencing.

“I’m sorry, Mrs.
Brooks, but I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

The corners of her
mouth turned down at my response. “Madison Bailey, I’ve known you since you
were a little girl. I watched you grow up, and I was as proud of you as I was
of my own daughter. This is the first time you’ve let me down, and I have to
say I’m terribly ashamed of your behavior.”

I swallowed
audibly as my pulse started to race, but I continued to feign ignorance,
desperate to believe that she was talking about something other than my
relationship with Logan.

“Can you tell me
what exactly is bothering you?” I asked. “I don’t know why you’re upset.”

Her eyes narrowed,
and her hand on the stem of her wineglass tightened so hard that I was afraid
that she would snap it in two.

“You and Logan. I
know you’re seeing him behind Cassie’s back, and I’m disgusted by it. How could
you do something like that to Cassie? If she ever finds out, she’ll be
devastated. Not only is her boyfriend cheating on her, but with her best
friend.”

I took a deep breath
as I contemplated what to say in response. I didn’t know how Mrs. Brooks had
found out about me and Logan, but the most pressing matter now was how to
handle it. I needed to tread lightly so I didn’t upset her.

“It’s hard to
explain,” I started slowly, trying to determine how much of the truth I could
tell her without throwing her world off balance. “The first thing is, I think
you should know that Cassie and Logan are no longer together.”

“Nonsense! I would
know whether or not my daughter is dating Logan, and I know for a fact that
they’re still together.” Mrs. Brooks shook her head in disapproval. “Why are
you trying to lie to me, Madison? Just tell me the truth.”

I desperately
wanted to do just that, but I didn’t think she could handle it, so I continued
to try to give her as much of the truth without breaking the illusion of Cassie
still being alive.

“I am telling you
the truth, I promise. You’re right; Logan and I are seeing each other. But I
swear, it isn’t behind Cassie’s back.”

“She knows?” Mrs.
Brooks asked skeptically. I barely noticed the waiter setting down my glass of
water. He quickly receded into the background without asking whether we were
ready to order, undoubtedly realizing that interrupting us wouldn’t be a good
idea.

“Not exactly,” I
said hesitantly. “It’s a little complicated. I just need you to trust me when I
say I’m not betraying Cassie.”

Not this time, anyway,
the voice in my
head said. I tried to ignore the accusatory words.

Mrs. Brooks wasn’t
placated by my answer. In fact, it seemed to ignite an anger in her that I had
never seen before.

“Madison, I’m
trying to stay calm, but I can only take so much when it comes to my daughter.
I care about you, but right now I’m so disgusted by you that I don’t know what
to say. I feel like I don’t even know who you are anymore. You were always such
a good girl. I never expected you to be a slut.”

I was shocked by
the ugly word she called me, but I couldn’t deny that her anger was justified
in a way, because long ago I
had
betrayed Cassie. Mrs. Brooks wasn’t entirely wrong in her accusations. She was
just eight years too late.

“It’s not what you
think,” I said, dismayed that tears were welling up in my eyes. I was
frustrated that I couldn’t explain the circumstances of my relationship with
Logan to Mrs. Brooks because it would entail bringing up Cassie’s death.

She sighed
heavily. “I don’t mean to be cruel, but this is just so uncharacteristic of
you. Just promise me you’ll end things with Logan. Cassie never has to know about
it, and things can return to normal.”

I considered
giving Mrs. Brooks that promise with no intention of following through on it,
but I was paranoid that she would find out I was lying since I didn’t even know
how she had found out about me and Logan in the first place.

“I can’t,” I
finally said, my voice quiet. “I care too much about him.”

My relationship
with Logan was too important to sacrifice to keep up the façade for Cassie’s
mother. I took a deep breath and then took the plunge, hoping that I wasn’t
making a huge mistake. “Mrs. Brooks, Cassie is gone. I know on some level you
know that. I loved Cassie. I still do, but she’s not with us anymore. I need to
move on with my life, and that life includes Logan. I can understand why you
would be disappointed that I’m with him, but we’re not hurting Cassie.”

Not anymore, because you already hurt her
beyond repair. Your betrayal was the reason she committed suicide.
I tried
to ignore the taunting voice in my head, telling myself to keep the past where
it belonged.

Mrs. Brooks stared
at me for a while after I was done speaking. I wasn’t sure if my words had
gotten through to her, but her face was ashen. I started to worry that she had
gone into shock when she finally spoke.

“You little
bitch,” she spat out, her voice quickly rising. “How dare you try to pull some
sick little stunt to justify whoring around with Logan. I can’t believe I let
you into our lives and treated you like a daughter, only to have you slap me in
the face with some ridiculous lie.”

Mrs. Brooks was
becoming hysterical and I started to panic. I quickly tried to interject a dose
of reality into the conversation to jar her out of her delusions.

“Look around us,”
I said urgently, trying to keep my voice steady. “You came to meet me in
Chicago. That’s because I’m no longer a student at the University of Michigan.
I’m twenty-eight years old now. You’re living in the past because you don’t
want to accept Cassie’s death. I understand that. I can’t imagine how horrible
it was for you to lose her, but it isn’t healthy to keep pretending. She’s
gone, Mrs. Brooks, and nothing is going to change that.”

My words fell on
deaf ears. Mrs. Brooks looked so enraged that I wouldn’t have been surprised if
she had physically attacked me.

“You’re sick,” she
hissed, glaring at me with such hatred that I flinched. “I wish you had never
come into our lives. You don’t deserve to have a friend like Cassie. She trusts
and loves you, and you repay her by trying to take her boyfriend away. If she
knew what you were doing, she would hate you. How can you live with yourself,
knowing that you’re betraying her like this? Who
are
you? You’re not the Madison that I thought I knew. You’re
trying to justify what you’re doing with revolting lies. The only thing that
matters is that you’re guilty. You’re guilty of deceiving Cassie, and you’re
guilty of trying to take her happiness away. I won’t ever let that happen.”

Her words battered
against me, wounding me because they were true. I had betrayed Cassie, and I would
never be able escape the fact that I was just as culpable for her death as if I
had been the one holding the razor that had slashed her wrists. And I was still
betraying her, because the only way I was able to have a relationship with
Logan now was to forget about her so that I didn’t have to deal with the guilt.
How could I forget the person who had been my best friend, my strongest
supporter, my loudest cheerleader, for ten years?

I didn’t know what
to say, so I said nothing. Mrs. Brooks must have taken my silence as acceptance
of my guilt, because when she spoke again, her voice was gentler. She no longer
look enraged and her ability to just switch it off was discomfiting.

“Madison, I know
that feelings can get confusing, especially when you’re young. You think you’ve
found the love of your life, when in reality, he’s just one boy in a string of
relationships you’ll have before you find the right one. Cassie and Logan have
something special. One day, you’ll find the person who’s right for you, too.
But don’t ruin this for Cassie. And don’t ruin this for yourself. You’ll regret
destroying your friendship with Cassie for the rest of your life. It’s not too
late to salvage it. She never has to know. Just promise me you’ll stop seeing
Logan.”

It was a long time
before I spoke, but when I finally did, I wasn’t sure if I was lying to her or
to myself.

“I promise,” I
whispered, feeling broken.

Mrs. Brooks’
countenance changed immediately at my words. She smiled at me, looking
relieved. “I knew you would make the right decision, dear. We can forget this
ever happened.” She glanced distractedly around the restaurant. “Where did our
waiter go? We’ve been here for ages and haven’t even ordered yet.”

I felt numb as she
gestured for our waiter, and I pointed to a random item on the menu when he
came to the table, not even paying attention to what I was ordering. I was like
an automaton for the rest of lunch. I was silent except for when Mrs. Brooks
asked a direct question, which I answered with the fewest words possible.

“It was wonderful
to see you,” Mrs. Brooks said brightly when we were done and the check had been
settled. “Next time, you should come to Laurenston. I know how busy you girls
get with your classes and parties, but I’d love it if you visited more often.”

I nodded feebly, feeling
dazed. My mind was blank as I rode the L train home. It wasn’t until I entered
my apartment and collapsed onto my bed that the tears poured out of me. What
was I going to do? I had promised Mrs. Brooks the impossible, because I
couldn’t end things with Logan. But what if she found out we were still seeing
each other? Why did it still matter so much what she thought of me? She had
treated me like a daughter for most of my life, and beyond just owing her so
much, I truly cared about her, but she was sick and deluded. The worst part was
that her mental instability didn’t change the fact that a large part of me had
agreed with her character assassination of me.

Sobs wracked my
body as I silently begged for someone to help me decide what to do. It was a
long time before I realized that it was Cassie I was pleading with.

Please,
I begged her.
Tell me what to do. I miss you so much. I’m
so sorry for everything. I love you. Please help me.

The words repeated
themselves in my head over and over again until I finally stopped crying out of
sheer exhaustion. My body couldn’t take anymore, and I just lay in bed unmoving,
wishing I could talk to Cassie one last time.