Of Love & Regret (19 page)

“Does the fact
that I love you change anything?”

Logan’s words pierced
through me, and my heart ached. I felt both elation and dread from his
statement. As much as I wished differently, I wasn’t ready for his love because
my disgust for myself made me unlovable.

He laughed harshly
with no trace of humor when I didn’t respond right away. “I guess that’s my
answer.”

“I just…” I
trailed off, not knowing what to say. “You saying that means so much to me. I
don’t want you to think I don’t appreciate it. I just need some time.”

“I’m glad you
appreciate
it,” he said bitterly. “Take
all the time you need. I’m done.”

He stalked to the
door and flung it open. I scrambled after him, afraid that I had ruined
everything.

“Logan, wait!” I
had an irrational fear that, if he walked out the door, I would never see him
again. He turned to me but his face was expressionless, his eyes cold. I frantically
tried to think of something to say that would make things better. I had the
fleeting thought of telling him I loved him, but I wasn’t sure if that was
true. As much as I wanted to tell him I was wrong and that I didn’t need time
apart, I couldn’t, because I truly believed I needed it.

His eyes narrowed
as I continued to just stand there, struggling to come up with something that
would make him understand. Before I could get any words out, he turned around
and walked out the door, slamming it shut behind him.

I had no tears
left, so I just stood there, frozen in a nightmare of my own doing. I had just
sent away someone I cared deeply about, but I had been unable to stop myself. I
didn’t understand why he couldn’t just give me some time to sort through all of
this. Why did it have to be now or never?

I expressed the
same sentiments to Emily when she called later that night.

“Madison, he’s been
waiting for you for three years! Actually, even longer when you think about it!
It’s been more like eight. The man’s not a saint. He has a breaking point.”

“I just asked for
a little more time,” I said, trying to convince myself as much as Emily that I
had made the right decision.

“Time for what?”
Emily’s voice softened as she continued to speak. “I know you’re dealing with a
lot right now, but why do you have to figure out your feelings apart from
Logan? Let him be there for you.”

“Because I can’t
think straight when he’s around. Nothing else seems to matter when I’m with
him.”

“Isn’t that a good
thing?” Emily questioned.

“Not when I don’t
know what to do. It would be so easy to just throw caution to the wind and be
with Logan, but I have to think about Mrs. Brooks.”

“Why?” Emily
sounded truly puzzled, and I felt like I was having the same conversation with
her as I had with Logan. She was voicing the same viewpoints as he had, and I
had a sinking feeling that I had made a horrible mistake by asking for some time
apart.

“Mrs. Brooks was
like a mother to me. It went beyond her taking me shopping for my first bra or
trying to explain why boys acted like idiots in middle school. She listened to
me, spent time with me, even when Cassie wasn’t around. She was someone I knew
I could always depend on, and she filled a void in my life that my father was
never able to, as hard as he tried. She deserves a little consideration for all
that she’s done for me.”

“Madison, I get
that she was there for you growing up,” Emily said gently. “I understand why
you care about her and why you’re concerned for her. But she’s not the same
woman you grew up with. She’s sick. You can’t let her sickness dictate your
life.”

I made a sound of
frustration. “Why does this have to be so complicated? I’m so tired of all of
this. Maybe I should just become a nun and join a convent.”

Emily laughed.
“First of all, you’re not Catholic. Second of all, from what you’ve told me
about Logan, passing up his skills in bed would be a sin.”

I groaned at her
lascivious comment, but it helped to lighten my mood a little. Leave it to
Emily to use humor to help me in my moment of despair. I hadn’t told her much about
my intimate relationship with Logan, despite her repeated demands for details,
but apparently she was able to assume a lot from the scant information I had
given her. Not that she was wrong. Being with Logan, both in and out of bed,
was unlike anything else I had ever experienced.

Emily commiserated
with me for a little while longer before we ended the call. She had put serious
doubts in my mind about my break from Logan, and I was coming to realize that
maybe I had made a rash decision. Maybe I wasn’t thinking properly because I
was so upset about my encounter with Mrs. Brooks.

I decided to not
torture myself anymore with thoughts of having made a mistake and leave it for
tomorrow. Although there was a sense of urgency in making things right with
Logan, I didn’t want to make another impulsive decision that I would end up
regretting. Besides, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that the
one thing I was confident of was that Logan wouldn’t just abandon me. If I
decided that I was wrong about asking for time apart, I would go to Logan and
apologize, and he would take me back. He had to.

I was able to fall
asleep with those comforting thoughts, telling myself that tomorrow was another
day and I could make things right then.

Chapter Fourteen

Work was abandoned
the next day, and I spent the entire morning and most of the afternoon going
back and forth about whether I had made the right decision. I almost called
Logan a dozen times to tell him I was wrong and that I didn’t need time apart,
but I always stopped myself before dialing his number.

By late afternoon,
I was mentally exhausted, but I had finally come to a decision and I felt a
sense of peace now that it had been settled. I picked up my cell phone, but
this time I allowed myself to go through with calling Logan.

The phone rang for
a while and I was afraid that it would go to voicemail. Now that I had made my
choice, I wanted to speak to Logan right away. I was relieved when he finally
picked up.

“Hello.” His voice
was curt and short, but I wasn’t surprised. I had put him through the wringer
with all my ups and downs these past few weeks.

“Hi, Logan,” I
said cautiously. I wanted a chance to say everything I needed to and was afraid
he wouldn’t give me the opportunity. “Do you have a minute to talk?”

There was silence
on the phone, and I held my breath until he responded.

“Go ahead. Talk.”

Despite his cold
tone, I was relieved that he was giving me a chance to speak instead of just
hanging up on me.

I took a deep
breath and then just let everything spill out. “I’ve been doing a lot of
thinking. I made a mistake asking for time apart. I was just so upset about
what happened with Mrs. Brooks that I let it cloud my judgment. I know you’ve
had to put up with a lot from me, and I’m sorry for that. My guilt over Cassie
has been a part of me for eight years, and it’s hard to let it go and just live
my life. I think I’m afraid that if I let the guilt go, I’m betraying Cassie
all over again. Like I’m absolving myself of what I did in the past. I’m
starting to realize that I need to move on with my life. Holding onto the guilt
doesn’t change what happened, and I need to take control of what happens today.
And today, I want to be happy. Being happy means being with you. All the other
stuff shouldn’t matter, and I’m going to try hard to not let it interfere with
our relationship. I still care about Mrs. Brooks, but you’re right. She’s sick,
and I can’t let a sick person dictate how I live my life.” I paused before
continuing, unnerved by the absolute silence on the other end of the line. “I
want us to get back together. I promise to try to work through my issues and I
promise that I’ll stop running from you when things get tough. I care so much
about you, and I don’t want to lose you.”

I gripped my phone
tightly in my hand. I had nothing left to say. I felt sick to my stomach as the
silence stretched on, and I was about to start speaking again, just to fill the
empty void, when he finally spoke.

“It’s too late.”
His voice was flat and expressionless, and it shot right through my heart. “You
feel this way today, but you’ll probably change your mind tomorrow. And if it’s
not tomorrow, it’ll be the next day after that. I meant it yesterday when I
said I was done. We’re finished, Madison.”

Shock wasn’t a
strong enough word to describe my reaction. Despite my nervousness, I had been
sure that Logan would give me another chance. He always had. Maybe he just
wanted me to work for it more. I didn’t blame him since I had run from him so
many times when my guilt over Cassie’s death became too much.

“Logan, please,” I
said, my voice breaking. “I know I made a mistake. Give me a chance to make it
up to you.”

He continued
talking as if he hadn’t heard my plea. “I’ve decided to transfer to the Los
Angeles office of my firm. They requested the transfer yesterday when they made
me a partner because of major plans to grow that office, but I declined because
I didn’t want to leave Chicago. I didn’t want to leave you.” He paused for a
moment before speaking again. “There’s nothing holding me here anymore, so I’ll
be leaving in a week. I don’t expect to hear from you during that time.”

“Wait!” I said,
afraid that he would hang up before I got a chance to respond. Logan couldn’t
really be moving to Los Angeles. He couldn’t really be refusing to give me another
chance. “Please
—
let’s talk about
this in person. Just give me a chance to explain and make it up to you.”

“You’ve already
given me your explanation. Nothing you say will make me change my mind. I’ve
wasted enough years on our imaginary relationship. Because that’s what I’ve
realized it all was: imaginary. I waited a long time for you, Madison, and I’m
not waiting any longer.”

“But you don’t have
to wait!” I cried, unaware of the tears that were streaming down my face. “I’m
right here! I’m ready for a relationship with you! A real one!”

“I left a box of
your stuff from my apartment with my doorman,” Logan said calmly, as if I
wasn’t on the edge of hysteria. “Pick it up at your leisure. I don’t need any
of my belongings that I’ve left in your apartment. You can just throw it all out.”

The call
disconnected and I stared disbelievingly at my phone This couldn’t be it. Logan
was just punishing me for pushing him away all the time. He couldn’t really be
moving to L.A. He couldn’t really be leaving me behind.

My mind raced,
trying to decide what to do next. I doubted he would pick up if I called again.
It didn’t matter because I needed to see him in person. I needed to talk to him
face-to-face so that he would realize I was serious this time.

I paced my
apartment, angrily swiping at the tears that refused to stop. This had to be
some sort of test. He just wanted to make sure that I wouldn’t let my fears get
in between us again.

It was a long time
before I calmed down, but I knew what I needed to do. I quickly changed clothes
and tried to make myself look presentable by putting on some make-up. I grabbed
my purse and flew down the stairs of my apartment building. I ran out into the
middle of the street and nearly stepped in front of a cab to stop it. I breathlessly
gave the driver the address of Logan’s apartment. I had to believe that I could
convince Logan to give me another chance. He had been such a steady presence in
my life for so long that I couldn’t believe he was able to just walk away.

I was a ball of
nerves when I got to Logan’s building, although I doubted he would be home. It
was only just past six o’clock, so he was probably still at work.

I tried to smile
at the doorman as I walked into his building, although it was tremulous at
best.

“Hi, Daniel,” I
said, trying to sound cheerful. “I’m assuming Logan isn’t home yet.”

“Mr. Delaney isn’t
home yet,” he confirmed with a polite nod of his head.

“Is it possible to
let me into his apartment so I can wait there? With his crazy hours, who knows
when he’ll get home and I’d hate to wait in the lobby. I can’t seem to get him
on his phone. He must be in a meeting.” I didn’t like lying to Daniel since he
had always been so nice and friendly to me, but if I was inside Logan’s
apartment he would have to talk to me.

“I’m sorry, Ms.
Bailey, but I’m not allowed to let guests in when the tenant isn’t home without
explicit permission.” He hesitated before continuing to speak, looking
uncomfortable. “I’ve also been instructed not to let you up anymore without
notifying Mr. Delaney, even when he is home.”

My face flushed in
embarrassment. Logan had wasted no time in trying to cut me out of his life.
Hadn’t he just told me yesterday that he loved me? Now he wouldn’t even let me
past his doorman.

I shrugged, trying
to pretend that I wasn’t bothered by what Daniel had told me. “That’s okay.
I’ll just wait in the lobby.”

“Wait, Ms.
Bailey.”

I turned around,
hopeful that he had changed his mind, but it vanished when he set a cardboard
box on top of the reception desk.

“Mr. Delaney left
this for you.”

I numbly took the
box and walked over to the sofas in the front lobby, trying to hide just how
close to the breaking point I was. How could everything change so quickly on a
dime?

I set the box on
top of the table between the sofas and looked inside. It was filled with
various miscellaneous belongings, from toiletries to clothes I had left at
Logan’s. My heart squeezed painfully when I saw a wallet I had given Logan as a
birthday gift long before we had transitioned from just friends to much more.
Evidently, he wanted to erase all traces of me from his life. I was starting to
doubt whether I could really change his mind.

My spirits sank
even lower as time passed by. I felt more pathetic with each pitying look the
doorman gave me. Hours went by, and when I checked my watch and saw that it was
almost nine o’clock, I realized that this hadn’t been the best idea. I had no
idea when Logan would come home, and sitting here in vain waiting for him was
killing me.

I had just about
given up hope and was getting ready to leave when I saw him walk through the entrance.
Except he wasn’t alone. Ella was plastered to his side and he had his arm
around her.

I felt sick at the
sight of them together. It had never crossed my mind as even a possibility that
Logan wouldn’t be alone when he came home. How the hell had everything changed
in the span of one day?

I stood up as they
approached, feeling foolish and vulnerable. Ella was as gorgeous as I
remembered in a sleek dark blue dress that accentuated every perfect curve of
her body, but I barely spared her a glance. My attention was focused on Logan
and the impassive look on his face.

“What are you
doing here?” he asked when they stopped a few feet from me.

“I…” I cleared my
throat, trying to sound more authoritative when I spoke again. “I need to talk
to you.”

“I said everything
I had to say on the phone earlier.”

Anger bubbled up
in me. I understood Logan being upset with me, but this was taking it too far.
Not only was he parading Ella in front of me but he was being deliberately
cruel. Where the hell was the Logan that had been so gentle and sweet with me? We
had been much more than our short-lived romantic relationship. He had been my
best friend for a year. How could he treat me so coldly?

“Well,
I
still have some things to say,” I
countered, trying to keep the anger from my voice but I wasn’t completely
successful.

Logan raised an
eyebrow. “Go ahead then.”

“In private!” I
said furiously, glancing at Ella who was watching me with narrowed eyes.

“I don’t have time
for this,” Logan replied. “Either say whatever it is you have to say or leave.”

“Logan, why are
you doing this?” My anger was rapidly being replaced with a bottomless pit of
hurt. “Just give me a chance to talk to you alone!”

“This is getting
boring,” Ella said, pressing herself closer to Logan’s side. “Let’s go up. I
have plans for us tonight.”

She wrapped her
hand around the back of Logan’s neck and pulled his head down close to hers. I
wanted to throw up when she pressed her lips against his, kissing him eagerly
with no qualms about having an audience. The worst part was when Logan
responded to her, pressing her closer to him with his hand on the small of her
back.

I had to get out
of there before I got physically ill and puked my heart and guts out in front
of them. I had been wrong. So wrong. I had stupidly thought Logan had some sort
of undying love for me. Sure, he had been patient with me in the past, but now
that he was ready to move on, he was doing so with a vengeance. I had thought that
if I just told him I loved him, something I had realized with complete clarity
earlier today, everything would be fixed. But the Logan before me made me
realize that I had never really known him.

Logan’s face was
tense but expressionless when he turned to me after he had broken the kiss. A
hundred things were going through my mind of what I wanted to say, but in the
end I was only able to utter three words.

“I hate you.” I
didn’t care that my voice broke when I threw those words at him. All the newly
found love I had been carrying for him shattered in an instant, and I had
nothing left in me except those three words.

I didn’t wait for
his response. I spun around and ran out without the box of my belongings. There
was nothing in it that I wanted. I didn’t stop until I found myself blocks from
his apartment and out of breath. I was angry that I couldn’t stop the tears from
flowing down my cheeks. I had been so stupid. I should have taken Logan for his
word when he said he was done on the phone earlier. I had laid my feelings out
on the line, made myself vulnerable, and I had been punished for it. Never
again.

By the time I had
calmed down enough to get a hold of my bearings, I realized that I had been
walking in the wrong direction for a long time. I wearily held my hand out for
a cab, relieved when I got the first one I saw.

Numbness had
overtaken me by the time the cab dropped me off at my apartment. It was a
welcome relief from the searing pain that had been tearing me apart since I had
seen Logan and Ella kiss. But that wasn’t what had hurt the most. What hurt the
most was that I knew my relationship with Logan was unsalvageable. He would
never be a part of my life again. I told myself that it was a good thing,
because apparently, I had never known the cruelty he was capable of.

I ended up taking
multiple sleeping pills that night, because I couldn’t get the image of Logan
and Ella out of my head. I was relieved when the empty blackness finally
enveloped me and I fell into a deep asleep.

The sun streaming
through my bedroom window the next morning was an unwelcome sight. I pulled the
covers over my head, not ready to face the world. Despite my attempts to go
back to sleep, I couldn’t push the thought of what had happened last night from
my mind. I tortured myself with the image of Logan and Ella kissing over and
over again. I didn’t want to think about what else had transpired between them
after I left.