Of Love & Regret (22 page)

I stopped at the
bottom of the steps and looked up at him, shielding my eyes from the sun with a
raised hand, trying to think of something to say.

“Hi,” I finally
said. It was lame, but that was all I could come up with.

Logan walked down
the short flight of stairs and I instinctively took a step back so that there
was more space between us.

“I guess you’re
wondering what I’m doing here,” he said. His tone was casual, but his blue eyes
studied me like he could read every thought in my mind.

“I admit that I
didn’t expect you to show up on my doorstep.” I waited for him to say something
in response, but he just stood there, watching me. I couldn’t take the tension
and spoke again to break the silence. “So… what’s up?”

I flinched
inwardly at my lame question, but I tried to keep my face impassive. I didn’t
understand Logan’s motives for being here, and I was afraid that one biting
word from him would make me lose it.

Logan gave me a
sardonic smile. “Not much. I just came by since our meeting earlier today was
cut short.” He made a show of looking behind me before facing me again.
“Where’s Emily?”

I was too
irritated to be embarrassed about being caught in a lie about meeting up with
Emily. Despite the fact that I was considering an attempt to rebuild our
friendship, I was in no way obligated to answer his question. I crossed my arms
against my chest with a frown.

“Why are you
here?” I asked, ignoring his question about Emily. Now that his
girlfriend
wasn’t present, I didn’t want
to bother with any pretenses and I didn’t want to play games.

Logan narrowed his
eyes, then shrugged, seemingly unbothered by my lack of an answer. “You looked
pretty unnerved earlier, and I wanted to talk to you to make sure you didn’t
think I was trying to manipulate you.”

His words
instantly put me on the defensive. “I wasn’t unnerved. I was just surprised to
see you, that’s all. As for you trying to manipulate me, I still don’t
understand why you’re here.”

Logan sighed and
shoved his hands in his pockets. “Madison, I didn’t come here to fight with you.
I came to tell you that I’ve done a lot of reflecting this past year, and I’ve
come to the conclusion that despite things not working out between us, I miss
our friendship.”

I stared at him,
trying to process what he was saying. The way he spoke about things not working
out between us minimized the significance of our failed relationship. Didn’t he
know how shattered I had been by his rejection?

Despite my mind’s
protestation of his casual words, this was exactly what I had been talking
about with Emily. I might be masochistic enough to try to be friends with Logan
again, but I was still wary.

“That’s the last
thing I expected you to say,” I admitted. “Considering how…” I searched for the
right word that would adequately express our relationship, “…tumultuous our
past has been, I didn’t think you’d want to be friends again.”

“My relationship
with Kristina made me realize a lot of things, one of them being that it’s
important to tell the people in your life that you care about them before it’s
too late.”

The mention of his
girlfriend made me feel sick, but I tried to hide my reaction. Despite the
bitter taste hearing her name left in my mouth, I couldn’t help asking
questions.

“How long have you
two been dating?” I tried to make my voice sound casual, although what I really
wanted to ask was how he was able to move on so quickly.

“About seven
months. It doesn’t sound that long, but we pretty much knew the moment we met
that we had a future together. I’m just relieved that she agreed to move here
with me when I was transferred back to the Chicago office.”

I was stupid to
have asked him about her. His response made me want to throw up, and I had to
fight the urge to cry. I would
not
cry in front of him.

“Wow, seven
months. That’s a record for you.” I was trying to make a joke, to show how
unaffected I was by his answer, but instead I ended up sounding caustic and
bitter. I should stop torturing myself by asking more questions, but I couldn’t
seem to stop myself. “Do you live together?”

I felt like I had
been punched in the stomach when he nodded. This was serious. Not only had
Logan been with Kristina longer than any relationship besides Cassie, but she
had moved here with him and they were living together.

The thought of
Cassie was sobering. I was jealous for no reason. I had no claim on Logan, and
he deserved to be happy. It was better that he was happy with someone else
besides me. The ghost of Cassie wouldn’t haunt their relationship.

“I’m happy for
you,” I said, trying to sound sincere. Maybe if I said it enough, I would
actually believe it.

“What about you?”
he asked. “Are you seeing anyone?”

I almost lied so
that I didn’t seem pathetic, but it was pointless so I told him the truth.
“No,” I said, trying to sound upbeat. “I’m still waiting for my Prince
Charming, I guess. Either that, or my Prince Good Enough.”

Instead of
laughing at my lame attempt at humor, Logan just studied me with an expression
I didn’t understand. I felt awkward beneath his steady gaze, so I tried to fill
in the silence, as well as make my escape.

“As you can see,
I’m a mess,” I said as I indicated my sweaty and disheveled state with a
sweeping hand. “I should really go inside and get cleaned up.”

That was his cue
to leave because there was no way in hell I was inviting him up.

“You look
beautiful.”

I swallowed hard
at his words. I didn’t understand why he was saying that to me, especially since
he had just professed that Kristina was his perfect match. I tried to laugh it
off to dispel any awkwardness.

“You’re just
trying to be nice, but I know I look like I just got steamrolled by a Mack
truck.” I kept on talking, because the way he was looking at me was unnerving. “I
didn’t think running would take so much out of me. It’s been a long time since
I’ve done any sort of exercise, and I’m going to pay for it tomorrow with sore
muscles.”

“Are you coming to
my party next Saturday?” he asked, ignoring my blatherings about running. “It’s
at my apartment, and it won’t be many people. I’d really like it if you came.
And Emily, too, of course.”

I bit my lip as I
thought it over. I had told him earlier that I already had plans, but
apparently he hadn’t believed me. It probably wasn’t smart to go. I didn’t even
understand why he wanted me there. I decided not to play games and just ask him
outright.

“Why do you want
me to come? I know you said you miss our friendship, but it’s a little naïve to
think we can just jump back to being friends.”

“Why? It’s in the
past. We’ve both moved on.”

The way Logan
phrased it made it impossible for me to refuse without admitting that I hadn’t
moved on. I wasn’t sure if he did it on purpose, but it worked.

“I guess I can
come for a little bit,” I said reluctantly. I had a feeling I would regret this
decision, but I foolishly ignored the warning voice in my head.

“I’m glad to hear
that,” Logan replied, but his expression wasn’t exactly brimming with
enthusiasm. He looked more dispassionate than anything else, like he was
scheduling a meeting with one of his clients. Despite his lack of emotion, I
had a feeling that he would have persisted until I agreed to come. “I’ll text
you my new address. I’m back downtown, but in a different building.”

“Okay,” I said. I
paused, not knowing what was left to say. “Well, see you later.”

Logan gave me a
curt nod and then walked away. I was tempted to watch him until he turned the
corner, but I forced myself to run up the stoop and unlock the front door of my
building.

An hour later,
after I had showered and changed, I was still reliving my conversation with
Logan over and over again. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had just made a
decision that would irrevocably change my life forever. I just didn’t know
whether it was for better or worse.

Chapter Seventeen

The following week
was torture as I went back and forth about whether I would actually attend
Logan’s party. I didn’t know if the reason I was going was to give our
friendship another chance, or if it was my way of clinging to the hope that he
would realize he still loved me. The latter reason was too pathetic to
contemplate, but I couldn’t deny that it was a real possibility.

Logan texted me
midweek with his new address, and I had been tempted to answer back that I was
no longer able to come. I had a feeling that I was setting myself up to be
massively hurt, but after a long internal debate, I ended up confirming that I
would see him on Saturday.

Emily hadn’t said
much when I told her about agreeing to go to his party. Despite her lack of
objection, I couldn’t help feeling that she disapproved. Still, she agreed to
come with me, and I was relieved to have her company.

By the time
Saturday night rolled around, I was a bundle of nerves. I had changed outfits
numerous times, unsure of what to wear. I didn’t know how formal the party was
going to be since I hadn’t bothered to ask Logan. It had been hard enough to
let him know that I was attending. The last thing on my mind was inquiring about
the dress code. I finally settled on an emerald sheath dress that made my eyes
look even greener than normal. It was elegant, yet simple enough if the party
was more casual. My hair was up in a deliberately messy bun with a few tendrils
pulled loose to frame my face. My up-do, in combination with the deep V of the
dress, made my neck look longer and more graceful, and I was happy with the
effect. Looking as good as possible was my only shield of armor against Logan
and his newfound happiness.

“You look
gorgeous!” Emily exclaimed when I let her into my apartment. “You should wear
your hair like that more often.”

“You look pretty
gorgeous yourself,” I said with a smile, feeling some of the tension lessen now
that she was here. At least I wouldn’t have to face this alone.

Emily did indeed
look gorgeous in a short, black dress that left little to the imagination. On
anyone else, the dress might have looked a little too revealing, but Emily had
a way of making anything she wore look provocative yet classy.

“We’ll be the
hottest bitches at the party,” she joked. She raised an eyebrow almost
challengingly. “I can’t wait to see what Logan’s new fling looks like.”

I rolled my eyes
at her but her levity made even more of my tension dissipate. “She’s not some
floozy like some of the other women he’s dated. She actually seems pretty
nice.”

Emily made a
gagging sound. “Just what every guy wants. Nice.”

I knew she was
just saying that to make me feel better, but it still lifted my spirits.
Everything was more bearable with a loyal friend by your side.

We took a cab to
Logan’s apartment since we didn’t want to navigate the L train in heels. Despite
wishing for a lot of traffic to prolong the time until we reached his place, we
seemed to hit all the green lights and got there in record time.

Emily grabbed my hand
as we were about to enter Logan’s building. “Are you sure you’re up for this?”

I saw concern on
her face, and I tried to muster up a smile, although my stomach was in knots.
“I’ll be okay. If it gets to be too much, we can just leave.”

After getting past
the doorman, we took the elevator to the 25
^th
floor. With each floor
that passed, the tension that had eased earlier came back with a vengeance. I
took deep breaths, telling myself that this was no big deal. I was just going
to a simple party, and I could handle seeing Logan and Kristina together.
Unfortunately, even I knew better than to believe myself.

The elevator
arrived on his floor with a soft ding, and we walked onto the plush carpet in
the quiet hallway. When we got to his door, I took a deep breath before
pressing the doorbell. I heard the faint sounds of people talking and laughing on
the other side, and we only had to wait a few seconds before the door swung
open.

Even though I had
already seen Logan last week, it was still heart wrenching to have him standing
before me, looking larger than life. He was wearing black pants that looked
like they had been tailored for his body, and a grey button-down that was open
at the collar. He looked casually urbane and irresistibly sophisticated, and I
instantly felt dowdy in my simple green dress.

I masked my unease
with a smile. “Hi, Logan. It’s good to see you again.”

He stepped back to
let us in, but instead of returning the smile, he had a disgruntled look on his
face. “You’re late.”

I raised my eyebrows.
“I didn’t realize we had to be here by a certain time.”

I had purposely arrived
later than when Logan told me the party was starting because I wanted there to
be enough people so that I could blend into the crowd. Besides, who arrives
right at the start of a party?

“Haven’t you ever
heard of being fashionably late?” Emily joked, trying to lighten the mood.
“It’s all about making an entrance.”

Logan managed to
suppress his irritation and smiled faintly at Emily. “I wouldn’t know. I don’t
know much about being fashionable about anything.” He guided us inside into his
living room. “It’s good to see you again, Emily. Everyone at the firm is
impressed with the plans you and Sylvia have made for redoing the offices.”

Emily beamed at
him, seeming to have momentarily forgotten the diatribe she had unleashed about
Logan when it had just been the two of us. “Thanks. It’s been a challenge, but
a fun one.”

I blocked out
their conversation and looked past Logan. His apartment was impressive and much
larger than his previous one. One wall of the living room was made completely
out of glass and offered a stunning view of the skyline of Chicago. The
apartment was decorated simply yet elegantly with a modern flair without being
cold. There were a good number of people mingling about, and I was instantly
glad that I had worn a dress since some of the guests were dressed a lot more formally
than I had expected. In fact, Logan was probably the most casually dressed as most
of the other men were wearing jackets. I recognized a few people from Logan’s
firm as well as some of his acquaintances that I had met before.

My gaze zeroed in
on Kristina, who was busy talking to two other women. She was impeccably
dressed in a flowing blue dress that cinched at her waist, showing off its
narrowness. Her dark brown hair was loose and flowing, and when she tipped her
head back to laugh, it rippled down in shiny waves. In that instant, I hated
her. I hated her for being with Logan, for having a future with him. My hatred
for her was only outweighed by my hatred for myself. I should have been the one
by Logan’s side, and I had no one to blame but myself.

“Madison.”

I jerked my head
towards Logan when he said my name. I hadn’t realized that he and Emily had
stopped talking and were both now looking at me expectantly.

“Um, yes?” I said,
unsure if I was supposed to be answering a question.

“Logan asked what
you wanted to drink,” Emily said, giving me a meaningful look, which I
translated into an order to stop looking so bewildered.

“Oh,” I replied
stupidly. I gave them a weak smile, trying to pretend like I hadn’t been lost
in my thoughts. I needed to stop being so preoccupied with my jealousy towards
Kristina. “I’ll take a glass of white wine. Whatever you have.”

“Are you okay?”
Emily whispered when Logan left to get our drinks. “Logan said your name like
five times before you answered.”

“I’m fine,” I
muttered. “I was just lost in my thoughts.”

“What were you looking
—
”

Before Emily could
finish her sentence, she was interrupted by Kristina. I was startled by her
sudden appearance since she had been across the room just moments before.

“Madison! I’m so
glad you could make it.” She leaned forward to greet me, and I could smell the
faint floral notes of her perfume. She turned towards Emily with an expectant
smile. “You must be Emily.”

Instead of
confirming Kristina’s assumption, Emily just looked at her with an odd
expression on her face.

“Yes, this is
Emily,” I finally said when she just continued to stare at Kristina with a
stupefied expression on her face. “Emily, this is Kristina, Logan’s
girlfriend.”

I was glad that I
was able to get the word
girlfriend
out without choking on it. Emily seemed to snap out of her reverie and greeted
her with a wan smile.

“It’s nice to meet
you, Kristina.”

“The party is
filled with Logan’s co-workers. It’s nice to finally have some people here who
won’t drone on about legal briefs and addendums.”

Before either of
us could respond, Logan was back with our drinks. He handed both of us a glass
of wine before glancing down at Kristina. “Do you need another drink?”

She shook her head
as she raised her glass that was almost empty. “I’ll probably be nursing this
for the rest of the night. You know me and drinking.”

It was painful to
watch Logan slip an arm around her waist as he faced us. “Kristina’s a
lightweight when it comes to alcohol. More than two drinks, and she’s dancing
on the tables.”

She laughed at his
comment. “Just because you can drink twice your bodyweight without even
slurring your words doesn’t mean the rest of us mere mortals can keep up with
your pace.”

I stared at them
as they bantered, feeling sick and telling myself it had been a huge mistake to
come. I couldn’t witness their easy affection for the rest of the night without
either bursting into tears or screaming in frustration and jealousy.

I turned towards
Emily so I wouldn’t have to look at them anymore, only to be confused by the
odd look she had on her face. She couldn’t seem to stop staring at Kristina. I
tried to elbow her discreetly before either of them noticed. Emily turned to me
and blinked.

There were a few
beats of awkward silence as none of us said anything. I broke it with the first
thing I could think of.

“What do you do,
Kristina?” I asked politely.

“Back in L.A. I
worked at an advertising agency. Now I’m unemployed and looking for a job.”

“Kristina’s being
modest,” Logan said with an affectionate grin. “She was in charge of
multi-million dollar campaigns back in L.A., and she has several agencies
clamoring for her to work for them in Chicago. She just has to choose which one.”

Kristina rolled
her eyes, but she was smiling. “I wouldn’t go that far. Logan tends to
exaggerate a bit when it comes to my skills.”

Their sweetness
was sickening and I had an immature compulsion to kick them both in the shins
and storm out of the apartment. Instead, I pasted on a smile.

“I’m sure he’s not
exaggerating too much.” I desperately wanted the conversation to end. I wanted
to get away from Logan and Kristina, but I didn’t know how to do so without
being rude and obvious, so I dug my grave even deeper by asking more questions.
“How are you liking Chicago so far?”

“So far so good,”
Kristina replied. “It’s just so different from L.A.”

Emily finally came
out of her stupor and started talking to Kristina about Los Angeles since she
traveled there fairly often for work. I was relieved that she was shouldering
the bulk of the conversation so I could lapse into silence and just listen. I
tried to avoid looking at Logan and kept my eyes on Kristina and Emily as they
talked about places they knew in common in L.A., but pretty soon the urge became
irresistible, and I glanced quickly at him. I was surprised to find him
watching me, and I became even more discomfited when he didn’t look away when I
caught him.

I slid my eyes
back to Kristina, who was talking about one of her favorite restaurants in
L.A., but I couldn’t fight temptation and glanced at Logan again. His piercing
blue eyes were still studying me and I couldn’t help but feel like I was being
observed under a microscope. I self-consciously took a large sip of my wine and
tried to concentrate on the conversation.

Finally, I
couldn’t take it anymore. I had to escape Logan’s scrutiny and latched onto the
first excuse I could think of. “I have to go to the bathroom,” I announced.
“I’ll be right back.”

“I’ll show you
where it is.”

I shook my head.
The last thing I needed was to be alone with Logan, especially with how I was
feeling right now. I was a mess of regret, sadness and hurt. I didn’t want him
to know how vulnerable I was and how close my emotions were to the surface.

“It’s okay. If you
point out where it is, I’ll be fine on my own.”

Logan ignored me
and instead looked at Kristina. “I’ll be right back.”

Kristina nodded,
seemingly completely unperturbed by Logan’s offer to accompany me. I wondered
if she knew anything about my past with him. If she did, she was a much more
secure woman than I was.

I was acutely
aware of Logan’s hand on my elbow as he guided me through the crowd of people. A
few people recognized me as we made our way through, and I quickly exchanged
greetings, but the pressure of Logan’s hand propelling me forward clearly
indicated that he didn’t want me to stop to make small talk. I told myself it
was no big deal that he was showing me where the bathroom was. Once we reached
it, I could close the door on his face and be alone to lick my wounds in
private.

“Thanks,” I said
when we stopped in front of a door that I assumed was the bathroom. I opened it
and stepped inside, fumbling for the light switch. Instead of walking away,
Logan stepped in behind me and closed the door before switching on the light.

“What are you
doing?” I asked in alarm. My concern grew when I saw that, instead of a
bathroom, we were in a large bedroom. Presumably the bedroom he shared with
Kristina. I pushed the thought aside and frowned severely at him. “This isn’t
the bathroom.”