Of Love & Regret (18 page)

Hours had passed
when the stillness of my apartment was broken by the ringing of my cell phone.
I frowned when I saw that it was Adam calling. The last thing I wanted was to deal
with him so I let it go to voicemail. I almost hurled the phone across my
bedroom when he immediately called again, but I checked the impulse. When he
called the third time, I answered the phone angrily. I was ready to unleash
some of my rage on someone, and Adam was as good a target as any.

“What the fuck do
you want?” I snarled.

“You sound pretty
upset. What happened?” Despite the concerned nature of his words, his tone was
smug. Sudden realization bloomed as I considered how Mrs. Brooks had found out about
me and Logan. Adam didn’t know the details about what had happened in the past,
but he knew enough to use it against me. I had never intended to tell him
anything about it, but some of the story had spilled out one night when I had awakened
from a nightmare about Cassie’s death. He knew that Logan had been Cassie’s
boyfriend in college and that her mother had been emotionally unstable since
her death, but I had never revealed to him what had happened between Logan and me.
I had confided in Adam early in our relationship and asked him to never speak
about it again, and he had respected my wishes. Until now.

“You asshole,” I
hissed. “You’re the one that told Cassie’s mother about me and Logan.”

“I thought she
deserved to know what you two were up to. I know you said that she wasn’t able
to deal with Cassie’s death, but you never told me that she’s actually crazy
and pretends that her daughter’s alive.” Adam seemed highly amused by it all,
and I wondered how I could have wasted so many years on someone who could be so
effortlessly cruel. “We sure had one interesting conversation.”

“I can’t believe I
used to think you were a decent human being,” I spat out. “You make me sick.
Don’t ever contact me again.”

Adam’s voice was
cold when he spoke again. “You don’t have to worry about that. This wasn’t some
ploy to get you back. I just figured you deserved a little misery. It didn’t
seem fair for you to get your happily ever after. You told me how much Cassie’s
mother meant to you. You would be a pretty heartless bitch to continue a
relationship with Logan knowing that it was killing her.”

He hung up before
I could respond, and I was tempted to call him back so I could scream at him
and tell him exactly what I thought of him. In the end, I restrained myself
because it wouldn’t do any good. He wanted a reaction out of me, and I didn’t
want him to know just how much he had fucked up my life.

When my phone rang,
anger immediately surged to life inside me again, but I was instantly deflated
when I saw that it was Logan calling. I took a deep breath before answering the
phone because I didn’t want him to hear my distress. This was something we
needed to talk about face-to-face.

“Hi, Logan.”

“Hey, babe. What
are you up to?” He sounded so happy and relaxed which made me even more
depressed. What was I going to do? I knew Adam wouldn’t hesitate to contact
Mrs. Brooks again if he found out that we were still together, and I knew she
would then become really unhinged. But I couldn’t live my life trying to play a
part in a charade.

“Not much,” I
said, trying to sound upbeat. “Just working.”

“I think I’m going
to get out at a decent hour today. Why don’t we go out to dinner instead of
just doing take-out?”

The thought of
having to smile and pretend everything was okay in a noisy restaurant made my
stomach turn. We needed to have a serious conversation, and it was better to
have it in private.

“Do you mind just
coming over? I’m a little tired and I think I need a night in.”

“Is everything
okay?” Logan’s voice instantly turned concerned and I fought back the tears
that there threatening to spill over.

“Everything’s
fine,” I said, hoping he would believe the false brightness I had forced into
my voice. “I just feel like staying in.”

“No problem,” he
said, seemingly convinced by my act. “Is there anything in particular you want
for dinner?”

“Not really.
Surprise me.”

I was relieved
when the call ended, although I was just postponing the inevitable. I didn’t
know what I would say to Logan, since I wasn’t even sure of my own feelings.

By the time Logan
arrived, I still had no idea what to do. I decided the best thing was to be
entirely truthful about what had happened today and take it from there.

“Hi, baby. It’s
good to see you after a crazy day at work.” Logan dropped a quick kiss on my
mouth before heading to the kitchen to set the bag of take-out on the counter.
I followed him and leaned against the counter as he started to unpack the bag
of food.

“You’re in an
awfully good mood,” I commented as I watched him. He was upbeat and practically
whistling with good cheer. He turned to grin at me and winked.

“I got some good
news today.”

“Well?” I asked
when he continued to empty the bag without explanation, and then grabbed a
couple of plates from the cupboard. “Are you going to tell me what it is, or do
I have to guess?” I tapped my finger on my mouth, pretending to be deep in
thought. In that moment, being with him, I could almost forget that my life was
in shambles, and I wanted to prolong that feeling as long as possible. “Did you
find out that you’re secretly a superhero and your only weakness is kryptonite?
No, wait… I bet you found out you’re next in line to be heir to the throne of
Bulgaria. Do I have to start calling you King Logan?”

“As ecstatic as I
would be to have you start calling me king, it’s a little less exciting than
that,” he replied drily. “I got an offer of partnership today.”

“That’s amazing!”
I exclaimed with an excited squeal. I grabbed him in a fierce hug, forcing him
to put down the plates. “Congratulations! I’m so proud of you. You’ve worked so
hard for them. It’s only right that they finally make you a partner.”

Logan wrapped his
arms around me, returning the hug as he grinned down at me. He looked so happy
and relaxed that my glee vanished, replaced with heavy regret. Soon, I would
cause that happiness to disappear. The problems I had momentarily forgotten in
the midst of his good news came rushing back to me, and my smile faltered. I
hated to ruin this for him, and I debated tabling the topic for another time.

“What’s wrong?” he
asked with a frown. “You went from happy to concerned in the span of a second.
Are you worried that this will mean even longer work hours?” He kissed me
gently on the forehead and brushed the hair back from my face. “Don’t worry. I
made it clear that I wasn’t willing to make work my life. You’re more important
to me than being made partner. I guess they wanted me pretty badly, because
they were willing to meet all my terms.”

“It’s not that,” I
said, shaking my head, but the sweetness of having him consider me when he
should be making his career a priority made the conversation I was about to
have with him even harder. I stepped back, breaking our embrace, and took a
deep breath.

“Mrs. Brooks came
to Chicago today to see me.”

Logan raised his
eyebrows in surprise. “By herself? I can’t imagine her coming all the way here
without her husband. What did she want?”

I bit my lip before
answering, hating to shatter what should have been a happy day for Logan, but
there was no point in delaying the inevitable. “She knows about us. That we’re
seeing each other. She was pretty upset because in her mind, we’re betraying
Cassie. She pretty much told me she’s disgusted with me.”

“How the hell did
she find out?”

I had been
dreading this part. “Adam told her. Apparently, he’s still really upset about
our breakup and the fact that you and I are together now. He doesn’t know about
what happened between us in college, but he knows that you were Cassie’s
boyfriend back then, and that she killed herself. I had told him enough about
Mrs. Brooks’ mental instability for him to know that she would freak out if she
knew we were seeing each other. Somehow, he got her number and called her and
told her everything.”

“That spineless
son-of-a-bitch,” Logan cursed. “The only way he knows how to fight is like a
fucking coward.”

He made a move
towards the door, and I grabbed his arm to stop him. “Where are you going?” I
asked, panicked because I already had a pretty good idea.

“To find that
piece of garbage and teach him how to handle things like a man.”

“That’s not going
to help matters,” I said, trying to reason with him. “It’s just going to escalate
things. I don’t want anything to do with Adam. I think he’s content, now that
he’s gotten his petty revenge.”

Logan clenched his
hands into fists. “He can’t just get away with this!”

I sighed, feeling
defeated. “He didn’t tell her anything that wasn’t the truth. I don’t think he
expected it to have as big of an impact as it did. He didn’t know how deep Mrs.
Brooks’ sickness went when he contacted her.”

“What exactly did
she say to you?”

I hesitated before
answering. “She became pretty hysterical about the whole situation. She’s
afraid of Cassie finding out and being hurt.” I dropped my head as a surge of regret
washed over me. “She doesn’t realize that it’s already too late for that.”

“Madison, stop.”

I looked up at his
steely tone, knowing that I was wallowing in my guilt but unable to help myself.

“You can’t keep
berating yourself for what happened. You’re not responsible for Cassie’s
decision.”

I rubbed my
forehead tiredly, feeling exhausted by all the emotional turmoil of the day. “I
feel like we’re just talking in circles. I thought we could make this work if I
just buried the memories of Cassie.” I dropped my hand and looked at Logan,
resigned. “But how do you forget someone who’s been a part of you for most of
your life?”

Logan gently took
me by the shoulders. “You can’t. That’s why I thought it was a mistake for you
to try to forget about Cassie. We can work through your guilt about her
together so that you can remember all the good times you had with her. Don’t
let your last tragic moment with her define your entire relationship.”

I wasn’t sure if
Logan was right. I fervently wished that he was, but my guilt had been a part
of me for so long that I didn’t know if I could let it go. I took a deep breath
before speaking, knowing that I had to tell him the promise I had made to Mrs.
Brooks.

“I tried to be
honest with Cassie’s mother. I tried to make her face the fact that Cassie is
gone and we’re no longer college students, but she couldn’t accept it. She made
me promise her that we would stop seeing each other. I didn’t know what else to
do but agree because I was afraid she was going to become totally unhinged.”

Logan dropped his
hands from my shoulders, his jaw tightening. His voice was quiet when he spoke
but I could hear the anger simmering just beneath the surface. “Are you
planning on keeping that promise?”

“No! I don’t know.”
I felt utterly conflicted and didn’t know what was the right decision. I looked
at Logan, pleading for him to understand. “I don’t want to end things between
us. I just felt like I had to agree so she didn’t go off the deep end. But my
fear is that Adam will find out we’re still together and contact Mrs. Brooks
again.”

Logan frowned at
my reasoning. “He could do that regardless. I doubt he would have any
reservations about lying.”

I couldn’t argue
with Logan’s logic since Adam had shown himself to have little integrity, but I
still couldn’t banish the fear that, next time, he would do something as
drastic as taking pictures of us as proof.

“I just need some
time to think,” I said. “I just need to get my head on straight.”

Logan was watching
me cautiously. “What exactly does that mean?”

Earlier, I had
been clueless about what to do, and I still was, but I suddenly realized that what
I needed was time. I needed time to figure out what the hell to do about this
mess.

“I think we need
some time apart.” I tried not to be swayed by the darkening of Logan’s
expression and kept on talking. “I know you don’t agree, but I’m still trying
to process the idea of us together. I don’t want you to think that I don’t care
deeply about you, because I do. But now that Mrs. Brooks knows, it’s making everything
so much harder. Maybe I can try to reason with her, try to help her realize
that she’s sick. It would make things so much easier between us if I wasn’t
constantly worried that our relationship could possibly hurt her.”

The expression on
Logan’s face was grim. “Why are you letting all of this come between us? I know
you care about Cassie’s mother, but how long are you going to let her delusions
dictate your life? I’m tired of living in the past.”

“Please, Logan.
I’m just asking for a little time to figure things out.”

“Just how much is
a little time?”

“I’m not sure,” I
said, feeling helpless. “This hurts me as much as it hurts you, but in the long
run I think it’s for the best.”

Logan studied me
for a while as a dozen emotions flickered across his face, ranging from anger
to anguish. When he finally spoke, there was only resignation left. “Somehow, I
doubt that,” he said. “I’ve been fooling myself this entire time. I kept
thinking that once the barriers were gone, you would want to be with me. But now
you’re just inventing reasons to keep us apart.”

“That’s not true,”
I said fervently, trying to make him understand. “I want us to be together. I
just need to deal with Mrs. Brooks first.”

“You’ve been
dealing with her mental illness for eight years, and things still haven’t
changed. What’s going to be different this time?”

“I don’t know.” My
voice was quiet because I truly didn’t know. I didn’t really even know what the
hell I was doing right now by asking Logan for a break. I just knew I could
never figure things out with him around, because when he was near, all I wanted
to do was lose myself in his arms and forget about everything else.
Unfortunately, that just masked the reality of the situation.