Of Love & Regret (2 page)

“When am I going
to meet this elusive Sam?” I asked, not wanting to examine why I wasn’t more
disappointed that I wouldn’t be seeing Adam this weekend. The thought that had immediately
popped into my head was that I could now spend time with Logan without feeling
guilty for neglecting my boyfriend. “You spend so much time with him, yet I’ve
never even met him.”

Adam shrugged
noncommittally. “I’m sure you’ll get to meet him one of these days. I guess
we’ve all just been too busy.”

I wanted to
contradict him, but I bit my tongue. My schedule was usually pretty open since
I worked from home, and considering Adam set his own schedule, I doubted that him
being busy was what kept me from meeting Sam. I knew a scant few details about
him. Apparently, he was also a writer, and Adam had met him at a writing
workshop. It had never bothered me before that I had never met him, but lately
Adam had been mentioning him more and more. I had met a few of Adam’s other
friends these past three years, but whenever we spent time together, it was
usually just the two of us. I couldn’t help but wonder if there was something
Adam was trying to hide.

I dismissed the
thought, because even though it irked me sometimes, if I was being honest with
myself, I didn’t really care that much. There was probably something wrong with
that, but I pushed the concern aside.

The rest of dinner
went by without incident, and we went back to my apartment afterwards. Adam
pulled me onto the couch next to him and put his arm around me as I leaned
against his shoulder.

“Did I tell you
how beautiful you look tonight?” he asked softly, his eyes warm.

“I think you
mentioned something about it earlier,” I said with a smile. He leaned down and
touched his lips to mine, slowly deepening the kiss. I returned the kiss, opening
my mouth and encouraging him to increase the pressure.

We moved into the
bedroom, and Adam took the time to arouse me with his hands and mouth before
shedding his own clothes. Our lovemaking may have lacked the fierce intensity
that I read about in romance books and secretly coveted, but I didn’t know how
realistic they were. Being with Adam was soft and satisfying, and after we were
done, he cuddled me close so that we were spooning. I told myself that this was
more than enough, and I had to stop taking our relationship for granted. I
vowed to try harder to reconnect with Adam and rediscover the love that had
been fading.

As I drifted off
to sleep, I found myself wondering whether Logan would be busy tomorrow and if
I would get a chance to see him.

Chapter Two

Adam left early Saturday
morning with the excuse of going to the gym. He was a morning person, full of
cheer and vigor at the crack of dawn, while I had to drag myself out of bed and
drink multiple cups of coffee before I could function like a human being.

I was on my third
cup of coffee when I called Logan.

“What are you
doing?” I asked, not bothering with pleasantries.

“Trying to sleep.”
His voice was groggy, and I could almost see his grumpy expression. “It’s only
eight o’clock in the morning. No normal people are awake at eight o’clock on a
Saturday morning.”

“You know Adam and
his irritating affinity for waking up at the ass-crack of dawn. After he left
to go to the gym, I couldn’t go back to sleep.”

“So, you decided that
I couldn’t sleep either?”

“Exactly,” I said
with a self-satisfied grin. “What are you doing today?”

“I have some work that
needs to get done, but that’s about it.”

“Boo. You work too
much.” Logan was an attorney at a prestigious law firm downtown, and as a
result, he spent way too many hours working.

“Since I doubt
you’re going to let me go back to sleep, why don’t you come over and make us
breakfast while I work. We can do something afterwards.”

“Okay,” I agreed
eagerly. It had been a few days since I had seen Logan, and I was looking
forward to spending time with him. I missed his dry humor and effortless charm.
Everything always seemed more fun in his company. “Give me a half hour to get
ready.”

“Don’t take the L
train. It’s too early for that. Take a cab,” Logan commanded.

“Sure, okay,” I
replied dismissively before ending the call. Logan had a habit of being too
overprotective, thinking that no woman should be taking the L alone during off
hours. While I didn’t think he was necessarily wrong, eight o’clock on a
Saturday morning was hardly an off-hour. What Logan didn’t know wouldn’t hurt
him.

I took a quick
shower and pulled on jeans, a t-shirt and a light sweater. I studied myself
critically in the bathroom mirror as I pulled a brush through my long, dark
brown hair. My best features were my green eyes, which were large and dominated
my face. Besides that, everything else about me was average. Average height,
average build, average looks. I knew I was attractive enough, but I would never
stop men dead in their tracks. I shook off my wayward thoughts, dismissing them
as silly. I knew I was no Victoria’s Secret model, but I wasn’t chopped liver by
any means.

I was happy for my
sweater when a morning chill greeted me as I left my apartment building. I loved
living in Lincoln Park because it felt like a real neighborhood despite being
in the city. My spirits lifted as I walked to the L station. Despite the brisk
air, the sun was shining, and I knew it would be too warm for my sweater in a
few hours.

It wasn’t a long train
ride to Logan’s downtown apartment. In stark contrast to Lincoln Park, downtown
Chicago was full of tall, sleek buildings and commercial properties. I much
preferred the quaintness of my neighborhood.

I waved at the
doorman behind the front desk as I made my way to the bank of elevators. I was
over at Logan’s apartment so frequently that he had told them not to bother to phone
him before letting me up.

When I got to his
floor, I rang his doorbell and waited impatiently. He took his sweet time
answering, but when he swung open the door, I realized it was because he had
just gotten out of the shower.

I gulped and
quickly averted my eyes from his bare chest. Droplets of water still clung to
his skin, and the towel wrapped around his hips was barely hanging on. I had
seen Logan without a shirt before, so I knew how well-defined and muscled his
chest was, but I hadn’t been expecting to see it ten inches from my face this
morning.

“Ew,” I said,
trying to disguise my discomfiture. “Put some clothes on.”

“You got here
faster than I thought you would.” Logan stepped back to let me in while he
casually re-secured the towel around his waist, seemingly unbothered by my
reaction. “You know your way around the kitchen. Give me a few minutes to get
some clothes on.”

I watched his
broad back as he retreated to his bedroom, trying to banish my feelings of
embarrassment. I didn’t know why I had reacted so viscerally to seeing his bare
chest. He was more handsome than a person had a right to be, and his muscled body
would make any red-blooded woman’s thoughts turn dirty, but I should be immune
to his charms by now.

My mind wandered
back to the first time I had ever seen him. It had been the beginning of my
junior year at the University of Michigan, and he had bumped into me in the
student bookstore, making me drop the stack of textbooks I had been precariously
balancing. He had apologized with a smile and crouched down to pick them up. I
remembered just staring down at him, feeling young and immature as I gaped at
how gorgeous he was. His dark blond hair seemed to glint as if it were
sun-kissed, despite the harsh fluorescent lights above which shouldn’t have
been flattering to anyone. When he looked up to apologize again, his deep blue
eyes had turned my insides into mush. I had watched dumbly as he stood up, gracefully
unfolding his body to its full length. I had never considered myself short at
five-six, but he was tall enough that I had to tilt my head back to meet his
gaze.

He had grinned
when I had just stood there staring up at him. I had finally managed to mumble
a few sentences, telling him it was okay and thanking him for picking up my
books. At least, I think that’s what I said to him. I had the same dazed feeling
today, watching his retreating back, as I had years ago as a starry-eyed
college student.

I hadn’t thought
about the first time we had met in a long time, and I shook off the nostalgic
memory. Our relationship back then was vastly different from the one we had
now, and I much preferred it that way.

I made myself busy
in the kitchen, taking a quick inventory of the contents of his refrigerator before
I started cooking. By the time Logan walked into the kitchen, fully dressed
this time, the omelets were done and the toast was already buttered. The aroma
of coffee filled the room and Logan’s face lit up.

“Western omelets,”
he said approvingly. “My favorite.”

“I’ll bring the
plates. Can you grab the rest of the stuff?”

Logan followed me
out of the kitchen carrying the mugs of coffee and silverware, and we laid out
the spread on his dining table.

“Thanks,” he said
in appreciation as we both started in on our breakfast. “Although it’s only
fair recompense for waking me up so early today.”

I waved my fork in
the air. “No lawyer talk. I hate it when you start talking all lawyer-y.”

Logan smirked.
“You weren’t complaining when I sent a threatening letter to your landlord.”

A year ago, I had
suffered some water damage in my apartment due to heavy rain and a leak in my
ceiling. My landlord had promised to repair the damage, but months passed with
no progress. At times like this, it was convenient to have a lawyer friend who
could send a letter threatening to sue if action wasn’t taken immediately.
Needless to say, my landlord had hired workers to fix the problem right away.

“You always throw
that in my face whenever I complain about you working too much,” I grumbled.
“Yes, yes, I’m eternally grateful for your help. That doesn’t mean I want to
hear your lawyer-speak.”

Logan grinned and
continued eating, but changed the subject. “How was last night?”

I shrugged as I
debated how much to tell Logan. He knew that I was questioning my relationship
with Adam, but I hadn’t revealed how significantly my feelings for him had tapered
off. Besides, I had promised myself that I would renew my commitment to Adam.
The worst thing about complaining to your friends about your boyfriend was
their reaction when you decided not to leave him, and instead, try to make
things work.

“It was okay. We
went to Cornucopia for dinner.”

“Isn’t that the
vegan place?” Logan looked as if I had said we had eaten dinner in a pig
trough.

“Yeah, but it’s
pretty good. We should go there some time.”

“No way.” He shook
his head emphatically as if I had suggested we try cannibalism. “There’s no way
you’re dragging me to a vegan restaurant. I’d probably enjoy eating the table
more than the stuff they serve there.”

“You’re just
jaded,” I scoffed. “Kayleigh scarred you with all the crap she used to make for
you. Vegan stuff can actually be good.”

Kayleigh was one
of a long line of Logan’s ex-girlfriends who had only lasted a couple of
months. She was a vegan but also a horrible cook, and had used Logan as a
guinea pig for several of her recipes. Needless to say, this had given him a
skewed view of veganism.

“You’re not the
one who had to eat her vegan brownies. I swear I’m still digesting them.”

I laughed at his
disgruntled expression. “Fine, no vegan restaurants. Besides, I only go there
because Adam’s on his vegan kick. We’ll see how long it lasts.”

“What did you do
after dinner?” Logan asked casually. He had finished his omelet and toast, and
was leaning back in his chair, drinking his coffee.

“Nothing much. We
just went back to my apartment.” I paused before continuing. “Our relationship
is getting a little routine. I guess it’s to be expected after three years, but
sometimes I feel like we’re together out of habit and nothing more.”

Logan raised an
eyebrow. “So, why not break up with him?”

I shrugged. “I
don’t know. Don’t all relationships go through ups and downs?”

“I’m not really a
good judge of what’s normal in relationships. I doubt you could even use the
term
relationships
to describe what
I’ve had with the past few women I’ve dated. Things are much less complicated
when you keep it casual.”

I picked at my
placemat for a few seconds before speaking. As interested as I was in Logan’s
dating life, another topic had been weighing on me since I had arrived at his
apartment. I wasn’t sure how to bring it up, so I decided to just lay it out
there. “Are you coming to Michigan with me next Saturday? It’s the fifteenth.”

There was a heavy
silence as I waited for Logan to respond. After a few minutes he still hadn’t
replied, so I looked up at him. His blue eyes were studying me intently, and
the corners of his mouth were drawn down.

“Do you think
that’s a good idea?” he finally asked. “Cassie’s mother isn’t well. She’s still
living in the past. Going to Michigan to celebrate Cassie’s birthday like nothing’s
changed isn’t healthy for anyone, especially her mother.”

I sighed as I
rubbed my forehead. “Mrs. Brooks would be devastated if I didn’t come. She
needs me there.”

“What do
you
need?” Logan asked gently.

I looked at him
helplessly. “I don’t know. Is it so wrong to celebrate her birthday? Even
though she’s gone, that day still has meaning.”

Logan shook his
head. “Not the way her mother celebrates it. She can’t accept that Cassie is
gone. Throwing a birthday party and pretending that she’s still alive only
makes her sickness worse.”

I pressed my lips
together in frustration. I didn’t disagree with Logan, but Cassie’s mother
would be devastated if I didn’t show up. Cassie had been my best friend since
the fifth grade when I had moved to the tiny town of Laurenston, Michigan,
where everyone seemed to know each other. I was the shy, quiet girl, and it had
surprised me when Cassie, the most popular girl in my grade, had taken me under
her wing. Our friendship had only grown stronger throughout the years and she
had become more of a sister to me than just a friend. Her death our junior year
of college had brought me to my knees, and there had been days when I doubted I
would ever recover from it. Eight years later, I still wasn’t completely over
it, but I was able to come to terms with her being gone. Mrs. Brooks, Cassie’s
mother, coped by pretending that she was still alive.

“Logan, please.” I
clenched my hands on my lap into fists. “Mrs. Brooks needs you there.” I was
silent for a few moments before I spoke again. “
I
need you there.”

Logan sighed
heavily, but relented. “Okay, I’ll go even though I think it’s a bad idea. But
this is the last time.”

I nodded eagerly,
relieved that he had agreed to come with me. “I promise this will be the last
year. I’ll gradually try to get Mrs. Brooks used to the idea of me not coming
next year so it’s not a shock to her. She just couldn’t handle me telling her I’m
not coming a week before Cassie’s birthday.”

Logan didn’t look
convinced, but he didn’t force the issue. He pushed his chair back and stood
up, reaching behind his head with his arms and stretching. I concentrated on
not looking at his body, and instead stared down at my plate. I didn’t know why
I was so physically aware of him today. We spent a lot of time together, and I hardly
ever gave a moment’s thought to his body or his distractingly good looks. I
credited my discomfort to having seen him shirtless today. It had thrown me
off-kilter and I was sure my awareness of him would soon fade.

“Leave the dishes.
I’ll do them after I’m done with my work.”

He went over to his
desk in the corner of the living room that functioned as his home office, and a
companionable silence settled between us. I browsed the various books on his
bookshelf, looking for something that would capture my attention. Logan had an
affinity for spy novels, and I chose a book by John le Carré and made myself
comfortable on the couch. Despite the captivating novel, my attention kept
straying to Logan. I noticed his habit of rubbing his lower lip with his index
finger when he was deep in thought, and the way his muscled biceps flexed when
he was typing rapidly on his laptop.