Of Love & Regret (3 page)

My thoughts
drifted to how close we had become this past year. After Emily, I considered
Logan to be my closest friend, although the transition from acquaintance to
friend had happened slowly. When he had first moved to Chicago and contacted
me, we had only traded texts every now and then. On my part, my interactions
with him had been more out of politeness than anything else, since I figured it
was rude to just ignore someone’s texts. The texts had gradually turned into
meeting for coffee, and coffee had turned into lunches, which in turn led to
dinners. Now we had an unspoken agreement to meet up once a week, although it
was usually more often than that.

I was so lost in
my thoughts that I was unaware that Logan had turned and was watching me. I
flushed when I realized it looked like I was staring at him, though that wasn’t
too far from the truth.

“Need something?”
he asked with a slight smile.

“Uh, no. I was
just staring off into space.”

He nodded,
although he still looked slightly amused. I refused to look in his direction
for the rest of the time he was working and forced myself to focus on my book,
which wasn’t too hard since it was pretty engrossing. When he leaned back in
his chair with a satisfied sigh, I was surprised by how many hours had gone by.

“Done.” He turned
to look at me. “Enjoying the book?”

“Yeah, but I’d
much rather do something,” I replied, putting the book aside. “Want to go to
the aquarium?”

Logan raised an
eyebrow. “We just went there three weeks ago.”

“But they have a
new sea otter exhibit!” I countered enthusiastically. “It’s supposed to be
amazing.”

I was always
dragging my friends to the aquarium because I loved aquatic animals, especially
sea otters. As a result, Logan had been there way more times than he probably
wanted to, but he usually humored my obsession.

“We can go to the
Half Pitcher afterwards,” I continued, trying to sweeten the deal. The Half
Pitcher was Logan’s favorite bar in Wrigleyville because of their extensive
beer selection and massive plate of nachos. I knew he would never pass up a
chance to go there.

“Okay, we’ll go to
the aquarium, but I’m holding you to going to the Half Pitcher after. No vegan
restaurants.” Logan acted like he was making a big concession, but I knew he
would have agreed to go to the aquarium regardless of what we did afterwards.

“I promise that
meat will be involved in every meal we have today,” I agreed, filled with
anticipation. The only thing I loved more than going to the aquarium was going
to the aquarium with Logan. He was patient and humored me while I dragged him
to all the various exhibits, and didn’t complain when I wanted to watch the sea
otters for a ridiculously long time.

Logan’s cell phone
started ringing and he frowned as he picked it up. “Give me one sec. It’s
Ella.”

I picked up the
book I had thrown aside, ostensibly trying to give him a modicum of privacy by
being engrossed in reading, but I barely saw the words on the page as my ears
perked up to pick up every word of the conversation.

“Hi, Ella.” Logan
glanced at me and then turned away to face his computer so his back was to me.
“What’s up?”

There was silence
for a few moments as he listened to her, and I found myself wishing I was closer
to him so that I could pick up her side of the conversation through the cell
phone.

“Sorry, this
weekend is pretty busy. How about Tuesday?”

Ella must not have
responded positively to Logan’s suggestion because he sighed. “I know, but like
I said, I can’t this weekend.” After a few more beats of silence, Logan spoke
again. “Okay, that sounds good. See you on Tuesday.”

I looked up when
Logan was done with his call. He had an irritated look on his face.

“Trouble in
paradise?” I asked lightly, trying to make it a joke.

“Ella is starting
to get a little too demanding,” he said. “It might be time to end things with
her.”

I bit my lip,
unsettled by the perverse thrill that went through me at his words. As a
result, my next statement was at odds with my true sentiment. “Don’t make any
rash decisions. I don’t blame her for wanting a little more. You guys have been
going out for a while.” I paused before continuing. “If you want, we can
reschedule the aquarium for another time so that you can hang out with her today.”

I wanted to take
back the words right after I said them, but it was too late. Even though Logan
hadn’t answered yet, I was already disappointed by the prospect of not spending
the day with him. I was relieved when he shook his head.

“Don’t try to get
out of going to the Half Pitcher,” he said with a wry smile. “And we’re
ordering the nachos, regardless of your lectures about calorie counts.”

His refusal to give
up spending the day with me made a spring of happiness well up inside me. I
pushed aside the questioning thought of why it was so important that he not
cancel on me for Ella. “You’re on. Let’s go.”

The interior of
Logan’s Range Rover was spotless, as usual. I tended to be on the messier side,
and had to constantly remind myself not to leave wrappers and water bottles
behind whenever I was in his car, which was pretty frequent. I didn’t have a
car of my own since I didn’t find it necessary living in Chicago, but every
once in a while, having a friend with a car was invaluable.

“I love this
song!” I exclaimed as I turned up the volume to OneRepublic’s
Feel Again.
I started singing along, not
caring that I was horribly off-key. I poked Logan in the arm. “Sing along!”

He grimaced in
response, although I could see the smile he was trying to suppress. “I think my
eardrums just shattered. Your falsetto sounds like a cat dying.”

I grinned and
ignored his complaint, continuing to sing along, although I knew he wasn’t
exactly exaggerating. I wasn’t known for my beautiful singing voice, but I was
feeling happy and light, and the upbeat song just added to my good mood.

When we got to the
aquarium, we parked and waited in line at the ticket counter. Fortunately, the
line wasn’t too long, and after we handed our tickets to the attendant, we were
immersed in another world. It was soothing to be surrounded by glass walls full
of sleek animals slicing their way through the deep blue water. We spent a good
amount of time at each exhibit, saving my favorite for last. As we neared the
sea otters, I was literally pulling him along to make him move faster as my
anticipation of seeing those cute, furry faces grew.

The new exhibit
was expansive, and I immediately spotted at least ten otters gliding through
the water. We spent some time in the underwater viewing area, but my favorite
part was watching them on the surface of the water, so we made our way upstairs
to lean against the railing.

I couldn’t help
squealing like a little kid as I watched them floating around on their backs.
“They’re so freaking cute! I wish I could take one home with me.”

“It’d probably be
a little difficult to have a sea otter as a pet,” Logan commented drily. “I
can’t imagine they’d be happy swimming around in your bathtub.”

Logan stood next
to me with his arm casually around my waist and his hand braced against the
railing on the opposite side of me. It was nothing unusual, since I was
normally affectionate with all my friends, but this morning’s awkwardness still
lingered, and I wasn’t feeling completely myself around Logan. The heat of his
arm around me felt almost stifling, and I straightened so that he was forced to
let his arm drop.

“I guess,” I
answered lamely. I watched the sea otters do their water gymnastics for a few
moments as my mind scrambled for something to say. I was rarely ever at a loss
for words around Logan. Our conversations were natural and organic, and I usually
felt at ease around him, but right now my emotions were confusing me. I was too
aware of him as a virile male today, and I wished I had some space to get my
head on straight. My thoughts strayed to a time when my feelings for him had
been much more than platonic, but I shut down that line of thinking
immediately. There was no point in rehashing an impossible desire. Besides, I
had moved past that a long time ago.

“Do sea otters
mate for life?” Logan asked conversationally, oblivious to the internal battle
waging inside me as he watched two otters clinging together by their paws.

“No. They have
multiple partners throughout their life. The males are jackasses, too, when
they mate. They scratch the females all up, and usually hold them down
underwater in the process.”

For some reason, my
blunt answer gave me some measure of satisfaction. Logan raised an eyebrow at
my reply.

“I guess sea
otters don’t do monogamy very well. Although, all that other stuff could be
considered foreplay. Maybe they just like it rough.”

I knew he was only
joking, but his comment irritated me. I had a sudden flash of him and Ella passionately
making love, and it left a bitter taste in my mouth. I found myself speaking in
a combative, aggressive tone—something I rarely directed towards Logan.

“Sea otters aren’t
the only species that don’t do monogamy well,” I said acerbically. “Humans are
pretty messed up in that area, as well. You should know that better than
anyone, considering you can’t seem to stay with one woman for more than a few
months before bailing.”

I stared straight
ahead of me, knowing that my response was irrational and my attack uncalled
for, but I hadn’t been able to prevent the words from spilling out. I was
afraid to look at Logan, so I just concentrated on the sea otters, which didn’t
look so cute anymore. After a long stretch of silence, I finally gathered the courage
to turn to look at him. He was studying me with a frown, looking more perplexed
than angry.

“What’s wrong,
Madison?”

I shrugged,
knowing that I was acting like a hormonal teenager having a temper tantrum, but
my embarrassment at my behavior just made me more sullen. “Nothing. I was just
making an observation.”

“Is everything
alright? Is something going on between you and Adam that you haven’t told me
about?”

Logan’s gentle
tone made me feel even more ashamed, and I dropped my head, breaking eye
contact. I didn’t know what was wrong with me today, but I vowed not to take it
out on Logan anymore. When I finally raised my head again to look at him, I saw
his blue eyes were concerned.

“I’m sorry. I
don’t know what’s wrong with me today. I didn’t mean that crap about you and
the women you date. It’s none of my business how you want to conduct your
relationships. And there’s nothing wrong with me and Adam. At least, nothing
more than I’ve already told you. I guess I just woke up on the bitch side of
the bed today.”

Logan didn’t speak
right away as he gazed at me as if he was trying to determine the sincerity of
my sentiments. I was relieved when he finally gave me a wry smile.

“Remind me never
to ask you about sea otters and their mating habits again. I didn’t know it was
such a hot-button topic for you,” he said drily. He pulled me towards him with
his arm around my waist. “Now let’s kiss and make up.”

“We weren’t even
fighting,” I grumbled, trying not to show how instantly electrified I was by
his words. I didn’t expect him to actually kiss me, but the prospect of it as I
tilted my head up to meet his gaze left me almost breathless. The little breath
I had left almost disappeared completely when I saw his head descending closer
to mine. I was frozen in shock. The last thing I expected was for Logan to
actually kiss me, yet I couldn’t move away. A hundred thoughts swirled in my head,
one of them being that kissing Logan was definitely not okay when I had a
boyfriend. That didn’t explain my disappointment when I felt his lips press
against my forehead in an affectionate, almost brotherly kiss. It also didn’t
explain why that chaste kiss made my heart race.

I tried to smile
casually when we broke apart, praying that my outward expression didn’t show
how his perfunctory kiss on the forehead had made me feel. I tried to cover my
reaction by making a joke.

“Now that we’ve
had our make-up sex, I’m starving. Let’s go to the Half Pitcher.”

Logan grinned.
“Wow, this is the least amount of time we’ve spent at the sea otter exhibit.
Maybe we should have a lover’s quarrel every time we come to the aquarium. It
saves me from having to stare at them for hours on end.”

I rolled my eyes
as I pulled him away from the exhibit. “Just count yourself lucky this time.
Let’s go.”

I lectured myself
that I needed to take his comments as they were meant to be taken, simply as
jokes, instead of something more. I craved the easy banter we usually had, and I
resolved to try to keep my composure for the rest of the day.

Chapter Three

Even though we had
spent much less time at the aquarium than normal, it was already early evening
by the time we arrived at the Half Pitcher. I was feeling like myself again and
was looking forward to a beer and a huge plate of nachos.

The bar was pretty
full, despite it being early, and we were lucky to snag one of the last tables.
I couldn’t help but notice women glancing at Logan as we walked through the
bar. His dark blond hair begged for a woman to run her fingers through it and
his navy sweater made his eyes seem even bluer. He was the perfect walking
image of a Ralph Lauren advertisement. I should have been used to the gawking
by now, but I was still as keenly aware as ever of the female attention he
drew. My awareness of it was even more pronounced today since I had engaged in
a little gawking myself this morning. It wasn’t that I was jealous, especially
since I had no claim on him. It was just so blatant that it was hard to ignore.

“What are you
doing tomorrow?” Logan asked after the waitress had served us our beers and
taken our food order.

“I’m not sure.
Adam said he needs to work on his book all weekend, so I might hang out with
Emily.” I took a long swallow of my beer, welcoming the cold liquid that slid
down my throat. “What about you?”

Logan shrugged.
“Nothing much. I’ll probably hit the gym but that’s about it.”

I raised my
eyebrows at him quizzically. “What was the song and dance you gave Ella about
being busy all weekend? She must really be getting the ax.”

He frowned and
stared down at his beer bottle, absentmindedly picking at the label. “Like I
said, she’s getting a little demanding. I told her when we started seeing each
other that I didn’t want anything serious, and she agreed, but now she’s
pushing for more.”

“Is that so wrong?
Why do you have such a fear of commitment? You’re twenty-eight years old,
Logan. It’s time to invest a little more in a woman instead of just looking for
a good time. Since I’ve known you, you’ve never dated the same woman for more
than four months.”

Logan looked at
me, his blue eyes dark. “That’s not true.”

My insides
clenched at my mistake. “You know what I meant. As an adult.”

He didn’t say
anything for a few beats, but I didn’t miss the tension in his face. When he
finally did speak, it was to turn the tables on me.

“So, I should be with
someone just for the sake of being in a relationship, even if I’m not in love
with that person? What’s the appropriate time period for that? Three years?”

Logan’s biting
words cut into me, not only because of his tone but because it was so out of
character for him. Logan was always patient and understanding with me, almost to
a fault. It was jarring to hear him speak so caustically.

“That’s not fair,”
I said, my grip on my beer bottle tightening. “You can’t compare my
relationship with Adam to your non-relationships. Besides, I never said I
wasn’t in love with him anymore. In fact, I think the problem is that I’m not
committed
enough
to him. I keep
pushing him away when instead I should be getting closer to him. The problems
in our relationship are mostly my fault.”

“That’s bullshit,”
Logan said bluntly. “That asshole is so self-involved that he can’t love anyone
besides himself. Do you really think he’s writing the Great American Novel?
More likely, he’s shitting away his parents’ money while pretending like he’s some
sort of intellectual. In reality, he couldn’t think his way out of a paper
bag.”

I was shocked by
Logan’s character assassination of Adam. They were far from being best friends,
but Logan had always seemed to view Adam as a mildly amusing distraction the
few times we had all hung out together. And I was always appreciative of Adam
not being threatened by my friendship with Logan. He took me for my word when I
told him we were just friends, and seemed to regard Logan as a friendly
acquaintance.

Anger flared
inside me at Logan’s words. It was one thing for me to have doubts about Adam.
It was another thing for Logan to say such cruel things about him. Despite
knowing that our conversation was spiraling out of control, instead of trying
to neutralize the situation, I wanted to return his hurtful barb with one in
kind.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” I
said icily, my voice dripping with contempt. “I guess you’re just used to being
around people like Ella. What is she again? A neurosurgeon? A rocket scientist?
Oh yeah, she doesn’t
have
a job. She
has mommy and daddy supporting her, too. Sounds like she and Adam have a lot in
common, although at least I know for sure that he knows how to read and write. I
have my doubts about Ella. The last conversation I had with her, she told me
she never votes because she doesn’t like waiting in lines and the ballot
machines are confusing.”

My words were ugly,
and I wanted to take them back as soon as I said them, but my indignant anger
wouldn’t let me. I expected Logan to lash out again, but he was silent as he
watched me, looking sad more than anything else.

“Madison, this
isn’t us,” he finally said. “Why are we fighting like this?”

I was instantly
deflated by his words, my anger disappearing as quickly as it had flared. This
wasn’t
us. We never spoke to each other
like this, and I didn’t know how our conversation had gotten out of hand so
quickly.

“I’m sorry,” I
said, feeling genuinely contrite. “I just got defensive when you started
insulting Adam.”

“Is that it?”
Logan asked quietly. “Or is something else bothering you?”

“Like what?” I
took another long swallow of my beer so I didn’t have to look him in the eye.

“Like the fact
that Cassie’s birthday is next week, never mind all the memories that come
along with that.”

I shook my head.
“I really don’t want to talk about that right now.”

Logan looked like
he was about to protest, but he was interrupted by the arrival of the waitress
with our plate of nachos. Using the term
plate
to describe the monstrosity before us was ludicrous. The Half Pitcher actually
used metal pizza pans to serve their nachos, because they were the only things
large enough to contain the amount of chips, chili, guacamole, cheese, and the
multiple other toppings that comprised their nachos.

I was relieved
when Logan dropped the subject and we commenced trying to navigate our way
through all the gooey cheese. I noticed Logan pushing all the jalapenos in my
direction, and I was reminded of how considerate he was. He knew how much I
loved jalapenos so he always ate around them, making sure they ended up on my
side of the plate. Sometimes, I took Logan’s consideration for granted, and it
made me feel guilty. Maybe I was becoming too dependent on him. I was making
him my pseudo-boyfriend because I was dissatisfied with my real one. It wasn’t
fair to Adam, and it especially wasn’t fair to Logan. I had the sudden
realization that maybe the reason Logan never had long-term relationships was
because he was too busy catering to my demands. I felt selfish and
self-absorbed, and I drowned the sorrows of my newfound realization by
shoveling the nachos in my mouth as fast as I could.

I looked up during
my eating binge to find Logan watching me instead of eating.

“What?” I asked,
almost belligerently. I was sure I looked a sight as I ate like I had starved
myself all week.

“You’re attacking
the nachos like it owes you money or something. Are you still mad at me for
what I said about Adam?”

I shook my head,
lowering the tortilla chip I had been about to shove into my mouth. “No,
although it was an asshole thing to say.”

Logan shrugged, unperturbed
by my assessment of his statement. “I can live with that.”

I rolled my eyes,
but his comment broke the tension, and I was able to relax. I was starting to
feel a little sick from my gluttonous attack of the nachos and decided to take
a break from eating. I took a sip of the second round of beers the waitress had
brought along with our food.

“How’s work going?”
I asked. It was a blatant change of subject, but he went along with it.

“Good, but my caseload
is pretty crazy, and I just brought in a new corporate client which means even
more work. I’m expecting to be made partner this year so hopefully all the long
hours will pay off. If it doesn’t happen, there are plenty of other law firms
that have made it known that they’re interested in me.”

“That’s amazing!”
I exclaimed. “You’ll probably be the youngest partner at your firm!” I felt so
much pride for him that I thought I would burst. Not only was Logan brilliant,
he worked hard and took nothing for granted. He came from a wealthy family and
could easily have used their influence and money to get ahead, but instead, he
used his own intelligence and determination to succeed.

Logan shrugged at
my assessment. “We’ll see when it actually happens.” He took a long swig of his
beer and turned the subject to me. “What about you? Still happy at
The Monitor Reports
?”

I nodded with a
smile. “You know it’s my dream job. I can roll out of bed in the morning, and
my commute to work is only a few steps into my living room. Plus, how many
people can wear pajamas while working and not worry about looking grubby? My
hair can be sticking out a million different directions, and I can spill coffee
down my shirt without having to worry about changing.”

Logan raised an
eyebrow. “You paint a charming picture.” He motioned to the waitress for
another round of beers, and I was surprised to realize I was already finished with
my second one. The waitress wasted no time getting us the next round, and I
took a long sip of the fresh beer, feeling my cheeks flush a little. I normally
didn’t drink very much so I was already feeling happily buzzed. Having Logan
sitting next to me in what seemed like a cozy cocoon in a noisy, crowded bar
made me even happier.

The next few hours
passed pleasantly in easy camaraderie, but I noticed that Logan had stopped
drinking while I kept downing one after another. Every time I ordered another
beer, Logan raised an eyebrow, but I ignored it. I had lost track of which
number drink I was on as I looked for our waitress to order another, but I was
distracted by Logan’s frown.

“I think you’ve
had enough.”

I blinked at him,
trying to process his statement through my cloudy mind. I knew I was drinking
more than usual, but I didn’t understand what the big deal was. There was
nothing wrong with relaxing and having a few beers and getting a little buzzed.

“I think I’m
capable of knowing whether I’ve had enough to drink or not.” I winced a little
at my slurred words, which didn’t help my case. “You’re the one being a Debbie
Downer and not drinking anymore.”

“In case you
forgot, I have to drive.”

I nodded, feeling
slightly dumb, because I
had
forgotten. “Oh, yeah. Well, I don’t have to drive so I can drink as much as I
want.”

Logan narrowed his
eyes but just watched as I ordered another beer from the waitress. When I
turned back to him, I rolled my eyes at his expression.

“So I’m having a
few beers,” I said, feeling exasperated. “What’s the big deal?”

“I’m just worried
that you’re drinking for another reason besides just wanting to cut loose.”

“Will you stop
trying to psychoanalyze everything I do? There doesn’t have to be some deeper
reason or meaning for me wanting to relax on a Saturday night! And I don’t need
you breathing down my neck playing Big Brother!”

I didn’t realize
that my voice was raised until I saw a few people in the surrounding tables
glance at me. Logan’s jaw tensed and his usually affable expression darkened.

“I didn’t realize
it was a crime to care. I’ll keep my mouth shut, and you can drown your sorrows
as much as you’d like.”

I blinked at him,
taken aback by his abrasive tone. Even though he was just reacting to my own
combativeness, it was unexpected and jarred me out of my drunkenness. I didn’t
understand what was happening between us. We had been up and down all day,
having spats and then making up. I was used to our friendship being easy and
full of fun, not this roller coaster ride.

I didn’t know what
to say, so I just looked away and kept my gaze on the tables around us, only
vaguely aware of the boisterous crowd laughing and having a good time. My
thoughts were jumbled, not helped by the haze of alcohol as I fought to keep my
mind clear. When the waitress came back with my beer, the sound of it hitting the
table as she placed it in front of me seemed to echo throughout the bar,
despite it being so noisy.

My eyes flicked to
Logan when I heard him sigh. He looked tired and resigned. “This isn’t an easy
time for me, either. Maybe I’m taking it out on you.”

I lowered my gaze
and just stared silently at my beer. I knew where this was leading and it was a
topic I didn’t want to venture into, so I just kept my mouth shut.

“Maddie, look at
me,” he said gently.

My eyes shot to
his. “Don’t call me that. You know I hate being called that.” My voice was
quiet, but that didn’t mask the fierce intensity behind it. Maddie was a
nickname I hated, and it was especially distasteful hearing it from Logan’s
lips.

His mouth
tightened at my reaction. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…” He took a deep breath.
“It just slipped out.”

“I think it’s time
to go home.”

Logan didn’t
protest and indicated for the waitress to bring over our check. I grabbed my
wallet from my purse when she set the bill on the table with a bright smile and
wished us a good night, oblivious to the tension between us. I reached for the
check, but Logan’s one word stopped me.

“Don’t.”

He had a habit of
always wanting to pay for everything, which I thought was unfair since we were
just friends. I usually put up a fight and sometimes won and treated him, but
those instances were few and far between. This time I just kept my mouth shut.
I was uncomfortable and tense, not to mention still tipsy, and I thought it
best to just get out of there as soon as possible.