Off the Menu (34 page)

“Of course, what’s that? Are we looking for his porn stash? Old love letters? Secret drug paraphernalia?”

“Of course not. It’s just … well, there are a few pieces of his furniture that are going to look so good at my place, and I want to take some measurements to send to Bennie. You know, so she can start thinking about a plan for our eventual cohabitation.”

Barry laughs. “Now that is some serious recon. I’m in.”

We quickly do some measuring of my favorite pieces of furniture, a few rugs, some of the art, writing it all down on a scrap of paper, giggling the whole time and talking about redecorating my place. We check in on JP, who is still cleaning himself, but who seems ultimately none the worse for wear, and lock up the house.

“Pizza?” I ask as we walk to the cars. “On me.”

“You got it.”

Barry follows me back to my condo, and I put in an order at Giordano’s for an extra-large extra-thin crust with extra sausage and double extra black olives. I am extra hungry and extra grateful.

When we get inside, Barry plays with Dumpling, who greets him as if they didn’t spend the whole afternoon together, and I change out of my damp, oily clothes. I grab one of RJ’s T-shirts for Barry. While he changes in the bathroom, I grab a couple of beers out of the fridge.

“Thank you,” I say, handing Barry a beer when he comes back.

“Anytime. That’s what friends are for.”

We catch up, demolish the entire pizza, and I fill him in on my current employment conundrum, leaving out the
Master Chef Challenge
and just saying that I’m up for a major promotion from Patrick, which is close enough.

“Do you have any idea what you want to do?” he asks.

“I really don’t. I completely go back and forth. One minute all I want is to let go of Patrick’s craziness, and create the most amazing education programs. And the next minute all I want is to hand my folks the keys to their place in Florida dangling off a red ribbon. I wake up ready to face the financial challenges of working for a nonprofit, and go to sleep ready to face up to my own selfish needs and go for the bucks.”

“What does RJ say about it?”

“RJ is in complete support of whatever I believe will make me happiest. And that is the thing. Even if you take my own creature comforts out of the way, I genuinely find it equally compelling to do wonderful things for those kids and to do wonderful things for my parents. On the one hand, I have it in my power to make my parents’ final years more comfortable, to be able to help them both keep the home they worked so hard for here, and also spend the harsh winters someplace warm. On the other hand, I could have a role in moving forward both positive nutritional education and the culinary field, and help a whole lot of teachers get reenergized about what they’re teaching, and a whole lot of kids dream a dream they didn’t even know was dreamable.”

“Wow. That’s a lot of words.”

Sigh. “I know. I have plenty of words and no concrete decisions.”

“You know who you need on this.”

“I know. But she’ll be biased.”

“Maria will be able to help you figure it out without pushing you in any one direction, even if she does selfishly want you to take the job with her team.”

“She’s out of town doing her road-tour shows for the next couple of weeks, but when she gets back Patrick is booked on the show, and we’re having lunch after the taping. I can ask her then if I haven’t figured it out on my own.”

“Good plan. And now, my sweet, not that it hasn’t been the most interesting night of the month so far, I have to take myself away.”

“You are totally going home to tweet about our evening and slap those pictures of poor JP all over the interwebs, aren’t you?”

“Completely. Shall I send you copies?”

“Absolutely.”

Barry gives me a big hug and kisses both cheeks. “Don’t overthink it, princess. Even if you flip a coin, that will be the right choice for you. And at the end of the day, make sure it’s you making the choice … not your pals, not your boss or your former boss, not your fabulous boyfriend or your well-meaning siblings. You make this choice for yourself and know that everything will be fine in the end.”

“Thanks, honey. And thanks for being my knight in shining armor tonight.”

“Anytime you have a cat that needs greasing and then degreasing, I’m your gay.”

While I clean up the pizza box and beer bottles, the phone rings.

“How’s my sweet banana puddin’?”

“She is very tired. But very happy to hear your voice.”

“How was your night? Do anything fun?”

“Well … the good news is that your fly problem is significantly improved. The bad news is that one of the traps was something of an overachiever …” I regale him with the tale of our fly trap adventure, which has him laughing so hard he is making dolphin noises. I do not mention the careful accounting of his belongings, or how well they are going to fit here at my place once I make room for them.

“Oh, honey, that is just the funniest thing I ever heard. And I’m so sorry my flies became such a project for you. How did your class go?”

“It was great, actually. Patrick was amazing with the kids.”

“That must have been hard.”

“In what way?”

“Well, on the one hand, I’m sure being with the kids made you want to think about the Foundation job, and seeing Patrick be great with them must have made you want to stick with him.”

“Yeah. You hit it in one.”

“I think you should take some time and try not to think about making a decision and just try to focus on the present. You’re making yourself nuts. Give it time and don’t put so much pressure on yourself to make a decision. You have nearly seven weeks before you meet with the Foundation, and probably at least that before you get a firm, quantifiable offer from the network. So maybe just wait till that starts to happen and have some real conversations, and then make a decision. You’ll still have a whole month before you need to deal with the Florida thing for your folks.”

He’s completely right, of course. “Thank you for talking me off the ledge. You’re right. I’m obsessing like this is a
decision I need to make today, and I don’t. I can just let it sit with me for a while and focus on what is real. Like getting the recipes for the new cookbook cranked out and dealing with the show.”

“That’s my girl.”

“I’m thinking we should talk more about this whole moving-in thing. I really hate spending nights away from you.”

“Look, baby, I know it makes the most sense, and I do like your place very much, and I like your neighborhood very much. But I have to process it all in my own time. It’s a when, not an if. And you just keep reminding me how much you want me there; you know I can’t deny you anything for very long.”

“I’ll keep reminding you in as many good ways as I can.”

“Okay. We’ll talk more when I get home.”

I hang up the phone and think about what he said, about reminding him how much I want him here. And I smile as I open up the computer.

100 Very Objective and Important and Totally Unbiased Quantifiable Reasons RJ Should Move In with Alana and Dumpling As (Reasonably) Soon As Possible, Approved by the Universe and 9 out of 10 Doctors and Anyone Who Knows Them

1.     
She loves him more than anything in the world.

2.     
Home to her isn’t home anymore without him.

3.     
She has the comfy bed, even if he did finally upgrade the sad pillow collection.

4.     
The new pillows will really be happier on the comfy bed.

5.     
Dishwasher. Really good dishwasher.

6.     
Her laser precision for eliminating potentially harmful foodstuffs means never again a melty vegetable, moldy fruit, or questionable piece of meat will be in the house, and he can eat with total confidence and gastric impunity.

7.     
She is really good at paperwork.

8.     
TiVo.

9.     
She has multiple flavors of toothpaste to choose from. Yum!

10.   
Her shower has really good water pressure.

11.   
She only really breathes comfortably when he is around.

12.   
No matter how crazy and busy and stressful things get, they would get to spend most all of their nights together.

13.   
MORE SEX!

14.   
There are a helluva lot more walls on which to display his gorgeous art collection.

15.   
When he has those random middle-of-the-night questions, she will be there to answer them.

16.   
Crosswords will get completed at a speedier rate.

17.   
Because after waiting their whole lives to find each other, spending unnecessary time apart is sort of criminal.

18.   
She has a really good DVD collection. Even if you ignore all the shit from the 1980s.

19.   
Her house is walking distance to the Blue line for all that pesky business travel. And still only a couple of miles from the Brown line for commuting.

20.   
Dining room can seat twenty at one table. It doesn’t have to, but it can.

21.   
In case he needs to see a procedural, there are always plenty on deck.

22.   
The fact that the place is the littlest bit cold in the winter means much more cuddling!

23.   
Mutually much more convenient for delivery of adorable cards and love notes and little happy presents.

24.   
She has the MAC Knives.

25.   
They would get to record a cute joint outgoing answering machine message. Provided she can remember how to change the message on the machine. Maybe they can just shop for a new answering machine.

26.   
She has two parking spaces, and the cars look so happy together.

27.   
Good, walkable restaurants, AND La Boulangerie! Mmmmm. Crepes.

28.   
Dumpling promises to try to be a good boy.

29.   
She will do everything humanly possible to make it a happy home for him, and will never forget to appreciate his sacrifice.

30.   
Two toilets, no waiting.

31.   
There is a farmer’s market right at the end of the block that gets better every year. And does not give you a kitten when you ask for broccoli.

32.   
Lettuces would grow very well in flower boxes on back porch (provided Alana does not attempt to touch them or engage with them in any way).

33.   
With the downturned real estate sales market, rentals are at a premium, so there won’t be any problem finding a good tenant at a nice monthly rent to be in RJ’s place. Possibly even someone they already know who might be interested in renting. Hypothetically.

34.   
Oodles of floors on which to display his beautiful rugs.

35.   
No more having to say good night and then go away.

36.   
More I love yous.

37.   
Dinner in PJs. After sex.

38.   
Showers together.

39.   
High ceilings/low overhead.

40.   
When RJ has to work at home, beverages and snacks and quick neck rubs can magically appear.

41.   
All that schlepping 2.4 miles between houses adds up when gas prices are this high.

42.   
More smooching.

43.   
It will be ENORMOUS FUN!

44.   
The front porch is a lovely place to sit and have a glass of wine and watch the people go by.

45.   
Now that all their friends are all getting to be friends with each other, there can be awesome get-togethers without having to schlepp equipment, and without anyone having to spend time putting their place back together alone.

46.   
Weekday mornings are less icky when you get a good-morning kiss from your favorite person.

47.   
What sounds better than “Our house”?

48.   
2.4 miles feels like 24,000 miles when she really wants to be with her baby.

49.   
We officially become the best EDestiny success story, without ever paying them a dime.

50.   
All the parents will be so excited, and they’re not getting any younger.

51.   
Soul mates should be roommates. It’s the law. Or should be.

52.   
Guest room! For guests!

53.   
Did we mention the enormous amount of lovin’?

54.   
Life maintenance becomes something to do together, not something that keeps them apart.

55.   
She gets ALL the cooking magazines.

56.   
She always hoped she would maybe find someone she liked enough to want to be a longtime partner and figured that would probably include separate housing … until she met RJ, who made her believe in and actively long for Marriage and Permanence and Full-Time Togetherness … because she loves him for who he is and for who she becomes when she is with him, which seems to be the best possible version of herself. Much to her delight.