Off the Menu (35 page)

57.   
She won’t have to wait for his call to say good night! Much less annoying for everyone.

58.   
Even though he thinks she is always glass half full, when she looks at him, that glass is overflowing, and she knows in every cell of her being that it will only get better when they are 100 percent together.

59.   
She likes the sound of his rocking out in the other room, and can’t really hear it very well from 2.4 miles away. Plus, she has enough space to create a full-time rock room, and his amps can go to eleven.

60.   
The cat will have a whole new neighborhood to terrorize.

61.   
If he doesn’t move in with her soon, the terrorists win.

62.   
Many more opportunities for making each other laugh till they bust.

63.   
Pretty much everyone has now heard the romantic “how they met” story and, frankly, they are going to need some new material soon.

64.   
Makes eating healthy and making smart life choices much easier with full-time support. And in a pinch, that pint of ice cream or bowl of popcorn is much less damaging when you split it with someone.

65.   
She has really awesome towels. Like uber towels. Seriously.

66.   
He can reach the stuff on the high shelves.

67.   
Random acts of nakedness.

68.   
There are some people who will remain nameless who are going to lose the pool if he doesn’t move in soon. People he likes. Whom he might want to win.

69.   
Because a love as big as theirs needs a lot of room to spread out.

70.   
If it is inevitable, it might as well evit.

71.   
They are so good at making a life together; making a home together is going to be a slam dunk!

72.   
She loves him more every second she knows him, and it is very inconvenient to not be able to show him all the time.

73.   
She has the big Boos Block, and it is just too heavy to move around.

74.   
They are way behind on breakfasts in bed, surprise weeknight middle of the night romping, and random Thursday champagne drinking.

75.   
She can’t think of anything about living with him that scares her, potentially annoys her, or would be anything less than the best thing ever.

76.   
She always has plenty of Pamplemousse.

77.   
Netflix Instant Watch on the TV.

78.   
She could really use some assistance putting Patrick in his place on a more regular basis.

79.   
Republicans hate it when Democrats are happy, and what would be happier than more RJ and Alana time?

80.   
When you know that the reason you are on this planet is to love someone, you ought to be near them to fulfill that destiny as much as humanly possible.

81.   
All those times they think they need to remember to tell each other something, they can just turn to the other one and say it.

82.   
So. Much. Lovin’.

83.   
Much easier and cheaper to shop for groceries for just one kitchen.

84.   
The bathroom faucet at Alana’s has really super-duper cold water all the time. Delicious and refreshing.

85.   
Those sheepskin rugs in her bedroom make winter mornings much cozier. Happy toes!

86.   
Not having a backyard means no more weeding, and no more guilt about not weeding! And whatever he loses in the “backyard” is replaced with six acres of green! That he doesn’t need to weed. Or feel guilty about not weeding.

87.   
Digging out cars from the snow is good exercise and character building at such a level that you hardly miss having a garage. And she already has a good cheap shoveling guy for the rest of it.

88.   
After-dinner walks around the Boulevard.

89.   
No TV in the bedroom means more reading, and that is always nicer lying next to your baby.

90.   
When he gets that middle-of-the-back itch he can’t reach she will be there to scratch it.

91.   
Her place has a ridiculous amount of potential to be the dream home they build together. And it starts out pretty dreamy to begin with.

92.   
She has over a dozen types of vinegar. Mmm. Salads.

93.   
Her house has never looked as good as it does when he is in it.

94.   
She’s pretty sure they aren’t going to get that primo EDestiny SpokesCouple gig unless they are living together.

95.   
He is fulfilling his destiny of making all of her dreams come true, so adding this one to the list is his moral obligation.

96.   
She is pretty sure that the pants he is missing might just be staging a small protest because they want to live at her house, where she is far more likely to take them off him.

97.   
There is nothing more romantic than cohabitation.

98.   
She really does know what he is giving up, and loves him even more enormously for being willing.

99.   
Once he fully commits to and embraces the idea, he is going to get really excited about what the reality brings and may even enjoy the planning.

100.
SHE LOVES HIM MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD AND MISSES HIM LIKE MAD WHEN HE ISN’T AROUND AND LONGS TO MAKE A HAPPY HOME FOR THEM BOTH (when he’s ready).

Ready? How about now? No? What about now? Okay, then, soon? Ballpark?

Y
ou are the most amazing, ridiculous, fabulous woman on the planet,” RJ says after reading my list with much laughter and the occasional “aww.” I’ve picked him up at the airport and left my list in a card on his seat. I meant it to be a top-ten list, but I got a little carried away.

“I’m glad you’re taking it in the spirit in which it is intended. I was worried you might think it a little much.”

“I think it’s hilarious and wonderful and you are wonderful for writing it down. I love it. And I agree with it. And I promise we will start making some plans very soon, okay?”

“Okay!” He takes my hand and kisses it.

“Guess that fortune cookie was right after all, huh?”

“Guess so.” The first time we ordered in Chinese together, on maybe our sixth date, his fortune read, “Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you.” Chills all around.

“Ooooh. Maybe we should have Chinese for dinner!” he says.

“That’s a deal.” And I head for home, the home that is currently mine, but soon, ours.

A
nd why exactly do I need to look so sassy?” I ask Dana, one of Maria’s producers, who has just had me sit down for hair and makeup.

She looks at me a little quizzically. “Because on top of everything else, Maria has all the kids from your program as special guests in the audience today, and she wants to do a photo shoot after the taping with you guys to use for the program annual report and other materials.”

“She’s very sneaky.”

“You might very well say that. I could not possibly comment,” Dana says with a wink.

At least I’m dressed well enough to have my picture taken. Bennie insisted this morning that I could not spend my birthday in cargo pants and a black hoodie, and said she would not set foot in the Peninsula Spa with me dressed like a skate punk. So out of my comfy work gear, and into a skirt and blouse I got, since no one argues with Bennie.

“Don’t you look gorgeous, my little birthday girl!” Patrick flies into the room, kisses the top of my head, and plops himself in the seat next to me to get his makeup done as well.

“Thank you. You look very handsome yourself.”

“My little Alana, all growed up and FORTY! Who would have thunk it?”

“Yes, I know, I’m forty, big whoop.”

“It IS a big whoop. This is THE decade. When everything happens.”

“Well, it is certainly starting off well.” I’m not one of those women who freaks out about birthdays. I love birthdays. Any excuse for cake and presents is all right by me. And these odometer birthdays? The big, round numbers? Bigger cake, more presents. Whenever anyone in my family makes a comment about getting older, Mama just says, “Ess bitter zan alternateeve.” Which is, when you think of it, very true.

“Hey, I need you to do me a favor,” he says.

“Sure, what is it?”

“Well, um, Leesa was in town last night.” Leesa Thorne, current British It Girl, who has been in Chicago off and on filming her first American movie, who had dinner at Conlon her first week in town and succumbed to the charms of our Patrick like so many before her.

“Bully for you, guv. Did you remember to bring doughnuts?” I don’t know when or why the tradition started, but for some reason, on our crew, if you get lucky with someone new, or have a particularly robust evening with your significant other, you bring in doughnuts for everyone.

“Practically bought out the Doughnut Vault. But that isn’t the issue.”

“Yes?”

“I didn’t really get a chance to work on the recipe for the demo today.”

“Patrick! That’s a new recipe; you’ve never done it before.” It’s one of Maria’s favorite dishes, a Cuban pork and plantain stew, and it has a lot of steps. I’ve prepped everything; he mostly just has to explain what has already been done, chop an onion, toss everything in the pot, and then pull out the
already finished dish that is in the studio oven. But still, it isn’t the easiest.

“I’m aware. Look, I’ve read it, I think I can wing it, but I was wondering if you might Cyrano this for me, just in case.”

Oy. Every now and again Patrick is somewhat less than prepared to do one of my recipes on camera. The first time it happened it was the fault of Tony Bourdain, Bill Kim, and a series of Jaeger bombs. He showed up to the studio completely hungover, and having not even read over the recipes for the first shoot. The sound tech popped a tiny earpiece in his ear, and hooked me up with a mic pack, and I talked him through it. It worked brilliantly, even if it did put my bowels in an uproar all day, and when the shoot was over he called me his Cyrano. We don’t have to do it very often, but we do have it down to something of a science.

“Seriously, Patrick? CYRANO? On Maria’s show? Are you fucking KIDDING ME?”

Maria flies in en route to her final walk-through. Patrick puts his finger to his lips.

“
Mi amorrrrrs
, I am so ’appy to ’ave you both herrrrre.” She air-kisses my cheek, and walks over and squeezes Patrick’s thigh. Then she is gone in a cloud of Chanel No. 5.

“Patrick, we’re ready for you,” Dana says, and he gets up from the chair, kisses Julie, the makeup artist, and rubs my shoulder.

“Break a leg, bossman,” I say to his back. He waves over his shoulder.

“There, you are, gorgeous. And happy birthday,” Julie says. She has done a beautiful job; I am as adorable as it is possible to be, even if it does have the goopy heaviness required for photographs.

“Thanks so much, you are a miracle worker.”

“Okay, let’s get you hooked up,” says a sound tech, who wanders in with a mic pack.

Sigh. “Okey dokey.” I take the mic and thread it under my blouse, handing the end to the tech who clips the pack to the back of my skirt and plugs me in while I attach the mic to my collar.

Verna, the stage manager, leads me to the wings, where I watch Maria do what she does so well. The show is divided into five acts, sort of like a play, designed to accommodate the four commercial breaks. The first act is the intro and basic interview, light and funny. The second act will be the more serious part of the interview, a little introspective and where she will try and make him cry. Act three will be the cooking demo. Act four will be the discussion of his participation in the intern program and a couple quick shots of the kids with maybe one or two of them commenting about their experience. And finally they will wrap up with some Q&A with the audience and say their good-byes.