Old Jews Telling Jokes (7 page)

James Rosenthal was born in Buenos Aires, Argentina. At the age of nine, Jimmy and his family set sail for the United States and settled in Brooklyn. After attending Brooklyn College, Jimmy entered the paint manufacturing business and ran a successful industrial paint company.

This lady is going out with her husband for a good day and he says to her, “Sadie, what’s the matter? You look unhappy.”

She says, “Well, I’d like to have bigger breasts and I don’t know what to do; we can’t afford plastic surgery.”

“You want bigger breasts?” he says.

“Yes.”

He says, “Well, I’ve got the secret. You take a roll of toilet paper and you rub it on your chest for five days.”

“What’s that gonna do?”

“I don’t know, but it worked on your ass.”

5
The Rabbi

THE RABBI! THE RABBI! TRADITION!

Can’t you just see that sweet little bearded rabbi in
Fiddler on the Roof
sagaciously intoning “May the lord bless and keep the czar … far away from us”? Tradition!

That’s when being a rabbi was being a rabbi!

There was no Internet. There were no condo boards. There were no therapists!

You had a question? Talk to the rabbi. You had a problem with your neighbor? Talk to the rabbi. You weren’t sure if the chicken was kosher? Talk to the rabbi. You were depressed?

Talk to the rabbi.

Rabbis were like super-Jews. If you think Jews can be know-it-alls, the rabbis knew more than all of them. They had the keys to the kingdom. They got to be wise, pious, and respected, but, unlike their Catholic counterparts, they didn’t have to take a vow of chastity. They had it all and good lovin’ too!

But what’s in it for a rabbi today? Have MAO inhibitors basically undermined the need for faith-based counseling? Does the modern American Jew ever think to him or herself, Man, this is a sticky problem. I better go ask my rabbi about it.

I spoke to my cousin, Rabbi Andy Busch, about this. He’s not the only rabbi I know, but he’s the only rabbi whose father tells a joke in this book. He told me, as you might expect, that rabbis are still pretty busy.

While the therapists, counselors, and lawyers we see on a daily basis are all specialists, a rabbi can offer the benefit of being a generalist. The rabbi’s wider perspective includes not only some training in counseling, but also larger issues of community, ethics, and Jewish tradition. He or she is not a “professional stranger” like your shrink but rather a part of your life—someone who just celebrated the birth of your child or presided over the memorial service of a relative.

Yeah, I thought to myself, but you’re still a rabbi. And by that I mean, aren’t you going to make me feel guilty about not coming to temple on Shemini Atzeret or Simchas Torah?

Andy said no. He doesn’t do that. On purpose, at least.

But what of the mohel—the Master of the Shnip, the King of the Cut, the Prince of the Putz? Well, they never have to worry about their business.

Why?

Because they work for tips!

Joel Leizer runs an extremely busy dental practice and is a former president of the New Jersey Dental Association. He is an avid golfer and a proud grandfather, and his favorite time for a dental appointment is two-thirty.

Oy. I know. Sorry.

There’s an old rabbi who wants to try eating pork before he dies. Being an orthodox rabbi, he can’t go ahead and eat pork in his community. So he decides to travel to a restaurant about fifty miles away.

He goes into the restaurant, and on the menu is a dish called suckling pig. So he orders the suckling pig. And they bring it out on a beautiful, beautiful tray, with an apple in its mouth.

Just as he’s about to take his first bite, in walks Goldberg, the president of his congregation. Goldberg says, “Rabbi! What are you doing, what are you eating?”

The rabbi says, “Goldberg, can you believe this restaurant? I order a baked apple, this is how they serve it to me.”

Barnett Hoffman, my dad, was a criminal judge in New Jersey for twenty years and would occasionally crack jokes from the bench. (Lawyers were not required to laugh but the smart ones did.) He was also the original casting director for this project.

A gentile fellow who is going to marry a very ultra-Orthodox Jewish woman goes to see the ultra-Orthodox rabbi who converted him. It is the night before the wedding and the rabbi says to him, “Now, do you have any questions about tomorrow for the wedding?”

“Yes, Rabbi, as a matter of fact I do. Tomorrow night, at the wedding, can I dance with my wife?”

“Absolutely not. The men dance with the men. The women dance with the women.”

“How about eating?”

“Absolutely not. You cannot eat with your wife. The men eat with the men. The women eat with the women. Do you have any other questions?”

“Well, Rabbi, while I have you here can I ask you some questions about sexual issues?”

“Sure, ask whatever you want.”

“Rabbi, with regard to positions: with the man on the top, the woman on the bottom, the missionary position.”

“Well, we don’t call it that, but, it’s okay.”

“How about with the woman on top and the man on bottom?”

“It’s a little different, but there’s nothing wrong with that.”

“How about doggy style?”

“Ooh, that’s a little kinky, but there’s nothing in Halacha that prevents it. Any other questions?”

“Yes, Rabbi, one last question: How about doing it standing up?”

“Absolutely not. That could lead to dancing.”

When Mike Leiderman worked for NewsCenter5 in Chicago in the 1970s, he “had a reputation for coming up with some tricky off-the-wall stories,” including one about a seventy-three-year-old California Angels coach who once roomed with Babe Ruth.

Abie and Becky are in bed and, of course, Abie always leaves the seat up when he goes to the toilet. Becky goes to the bathroom in the middle of the night, sits on the toilet, and—boom—she doesn’t know what’s going on, falls right in the toilet! Can’t get up! The suction is too much. She just can’t lift herself up and out of the toilet. She says, “Abie, Abie, help me!”

Abie gets up and he starts pulling. Nothing’s happening. Finally, she says, “You’ve gotta call the EMTs! You’ve gotta call the medics!” So he gets up and calls the medics.

Just as the medics are coming up the stairs, Becky realizes she’s naked. She says, “Abie, Abie, what am I gonna do? I’m naked! They’re going to see me naked!”

He says, “Here, take this yarmulke; put it between your legs.” She does that.

The firemen come up, and they’re banging, and they’re pulling and yanking, and finally the chief fireman says, “We’ve got a problem.”

Abie says, “What is it?”

So the fireman says, “Well, your wife’s gonna be fine, but we couldn’t save the rabbi.”

Harold Zapolsky’s research interests are in theoretical physics, specifically in the areas of astrophysics and relativity. A good joke, according to Zapolsky, is either a slightly implausible tale, told with a straight face, about a perfectly plausible universe—or a plausible tale told about a slightly implausible universe. Either way, he notes, it is the sort of thing physicists do all the time.

So this businessman is traveling through Europe, and his train stops in Zurich, Switzerland. And he knows that he’s got three hours to make his next connection, so he figures he’ll walk around the town a little bit.

He gets off the train and takes a look at his watch, and he sees that his watch has stopped, which is kind of awkward. So he thinks, Well, it’s Switzerland, they’ve got to know about watches here. And he starts to walk around looking for a place, but it’s a Sunday and all the shops seem to be closed.

Except, after about ten minutes, he sees this tiny little shop, and the window is completely filled with watches and clocks. And he says, “This is great. I wonder if he’s open.”