Old Sins Long Shadows (11 page)

‘
I’ve had no complaints before,’ countered Daniel. She could well believe it.

‘
Then I must be different.’

The sound of his laughter surprised her.

‘You certainly are.’ he replied.

She tried again to explain,
‘A gentleman wouldn’t behave that way,’ she felt him change behind her and the air became tense.

‘
Gentlemen are not always what they seem.’

‘
I’m not explaining myself very well. Mr Brockenshaw, for example, he wouldn’t just lift a woman up in public.’

‘
It takes more than a title to make a man a gentleman.’ Daniel’s voice had once more become curt and she knew he had taken offence.

She tried to explain again.
‘It’s about etiquette, manners.’

‘
I’d rather a man was true to himself than hide behind etiquette and manners.’

‘
But we can’t all behave that way. Say what we want, behave how we want.’

‘
Perhaps not, but perhaps we would be happier if we tried.’ Janey felt his challenge. He was accusing her of being someone she was not. Of trying to be the person she hoped the other staff, her mother, her father would love instead of just being herself. He saw his barb hit home as her eyes started to glisten with tears. He spoke the truth and he knew it would hurt her. He wanted to hurt her. He did not like being compared to the Brockenshaw men or any other “gentleman”.  He had seen them in town visiting their gentlemen clubs where they met with their whores while their wives sat at home producing babies year after year. He had seen them meet their mistresses and lead a double life, one with their wife and upholding the Victorian family values, the other steeped in betrayal and lies. Manners. Words were cheap.

She had offended him and she spoke no more
. She was only trying to explain her reaction at the dance but somehow her meaning had got muddled and he took it as an insult. She wished she had not spoken. The gate house at the entrance of the road to the manor came into view but Daniel steered his horse off the road and into the woods.

‘
We’ll cut through here and enter the gardens at the back of the house. I can tie the horse up under the trees while we make our way across the grounds. It will be dark inside so listen to my instructions so you can find your way around the house in the dark.’

Without waiting for a reply he explained how he made his way th
rough the house at night as a seventeen year old boy. She listened quietly and finally they came to the edge of the wood. He helped her down from the horse. His manner was business like and although he was not rough, any gentleness he had shown earlier had gone. She felt that the sooner he got rid of her and he could be off to his bed the better. He firmly grabbed her hand and led her to the dairy window. She watched as he pushed each corner of the metal frame in turn until he heard the latch inside work loose. It dropped off its peg at the base and the window opened. For the first time Janey noticed that the window’s middle catch half way up the frame had long since been broken. Daniel waved her closer and once again he reached down under her skirts and lifted her up to enter the window. Here Daniel had made a mistake. He had assumed Janey would know how to climb through a window and expected her to have put one leg through when he lifted her. He had not realised just how naïve she was. Apparently there was not much call for a headmaster’s daughter to climb through windows. She lay stranded on the granite sill, her top half through the window, her lower half out, her bottom at the level of his face. As much as he appreciated the view they were at risk of being caught and he moved towards her. Just at that moment Janey had decide to try and kick herself free and her leg came up and caught him neatly under the chin knocking his head back.

Janey tried to look around and saw Daniel holding his jaw. He looked as if he would happily kill her
. He didn’t seem to appreciate her whispered sorry. He grabbed both her legs to stop them moving.

‘
I’m going to lift you through,’ he ground out and the next thing she knew her hips were lifted clear of the sill and thrust forward. She slid in slow motion over the work top and onto the cold slate floor like a seal pub sliding off a rock. Daniel looked in to see if she was okay and to his relief her head popped up. She was in.

‘
Remember to shut the window when I go,’ he whispered. He reached into the back of his trouser waist band and held out something to her. There, in his hand, were her patten shoes.

‘
You had them all the time?’ she whispered, confused.

‘
Would you have got on the horse if I had given them to you?’ he asked. They looked at each other with a measured stare. Feelings of distrust, hurt and pride emanating from both sides.

She looked in her reticule,
‘I have something for you,’ she said changing the subject, and taking something out she reached towards him with a closed hand.

‘
I don’t want your money, Miss Carhart. You may not consider me gentlemanly enough for you but I’m not so low as to expect payment for helping a lady.’ Before she could respond he closed the window in her face and marched angrily away. Janey, frustrated and hurt that he did not give her an opportunity to explain, closed the latch. She lifted herself on tiptoe to watch him striding across the yard into the gardens beyond, his body eventually swallowed up by the shadows of the trees. She looked down and slowly opened her hand. There, sitting in her palm lay Daniel’s button.

The atmosphere in the room was cold as the ill fitting windows allowed cool air to circulate which was advantageous for a dairy
. As instructed by Daniel she unlaced her boots and carried them in her left hand whilst under her arm she carried her pattens. Her right hand she used to guide her way. She remembered his directions as clearly as if he spoke them at her side as she walked,

‘
Keep your hand out and use it to feel the walls as you walk,’ he had said, ‘Objects stored on the floor are more likely to be placed at an edge of a wall or cupboard. By using your arm it keeps you centre and therefore less likely to knock over something.’  She felt for the marble top of the workbench with its chiselled gullies filled with cold water to keep the marble cool. Her finger tips touched the cold smooth stone used as a work surface for the shaping of butter and cheese and made her way out into the corridor. As Daniel had suspected, the moonlight shone through the windows of the next rooms leading onto the servant’s passageway. When there was no moonlight he used the smells emanating out of each doorway to know which room he was passing. In the hustle and bustle of the day Janey had not noticed the different smells but now, in this quiet abandoned part of the building, she used her sense of smell to guide her too. She could smell the baking room with its bread and spices, which gave way to the meat room with its hanging smoked hams, game and pork. She continued along, her fingertips following the line of the wall, highlighting the recesses of the doors that were left open onto the corridor. She made her way into the smaller of the two main kitchens, where vegetables were cleaned and prepared in the manor’s hey day when two kitchens were required. Now it was rarely used. This room led into the main kitchen which, in the stillness of the night, was now eerily silent. Large copper pans of different sizes hung from the wall and everything clean and in its place, in preparation for the day to begin. Janey hurried on and started to climb the female servant’s stone stairs. The first flight took her past the corridor leading to the main reception and living rooms. The second flight led off to the nursery play room, school room and the family bedrooms. She hesitated. They were last used when James was a child. Since then they too had been abandoned and unused. It was as if this house was dying a little more each year that passed. Daniel had told her how once, as a teenager, he had entered these rooms. She imagined him now looking at the abandoned toys with no child to play with them. Toys and evidence of a spoilt carefree life he had never had as a young boy. Her heart twisted for his lost childhood.

She carried on up to the attic rooms and once again used her fingertip touch to count the doors off the corridor
. Here there were no windows and moonlight to guide her way but she had become confident in her midnight exploration, thanks to Daniel’s advice. She counted the doors until she came to her own, reached down, turned the handle and slipped inside. She soon found her candle and lit it, breathing a sigh of relief to see her familiar things about her. She was safe at last and undetected. She lifted her candle and took it to the mirror that hung from a nail on the wall. The candlelight cast shadows that danced around the room but her image remained clear. She had never seen herself so untidy before, always neat in appearance, the woman that stared back at her looked dishevelled, with messy hair, dirt on her dress and rosy cheeks. She looked like she had spent the day working in the fields rather than attending a country dance. Yet there was something else different about her image that unnerved her. There was wildness in her eyes, an excitement that she did not recognise. It was as if the woman in the mirror was just a body but her eyes showed a spirit threatening to escape. A part of her soul that had lain dormant but was about to ignite. Janey did not know this woman and it frightened her. She blew out the candle and her reflection disappeared in the darkness.

Snuggling down into her bed she was too tired to relive the night’s events
. Yet as she drifted away her mind played images in her head, teasing her subconscious and would meddle in her dreams. She smiled as she drifted off to sleep remembering the feel of his body against hers. The warmth of him, the smell of him teased her memories.

‘
Sandalwood,’ she whispered, touching her lips with her fingertips as she recognised the scent of him, ‘… he smelt of sandalwood.’  Slowly her body relaxed and she drifted into a deep and comforting sleep.

Daniel waited in the shadows of the grounds until the candle light in her attic room was extinguished. He pulled his coat tighter about him feeling the chill of the night for the first time. She was safe and it was time for him to leave.

Chapter 5

Janey lit her bedside candle and watched it twist and turn in the dark as it cast a soft amber glow around her room. Dawn was still an hour away but Janey had woken early resulting in this unexpected time of solitude and peace. The chilled morning air was cold upon her skin and she retreated under her covers, her gaze never leaving the flame struggling to survive in the drafty room. Time and time again, just as it appeared to have been extinguished, it would strengthen and grow taller once more.

Janey’s thoughts wa
ndered back to the evening before. Daniel was an imposing man, uneducated and lacking manners, but his words would not leave her mind and reluctantly she had to admit he had spoken words of truth. She realized she could not influence friendships with the other staff due to their natural distrust of her position. She could only earn their respect by carrying out her duties to the best of her ability and be true to herself. In time, perhaps, they would trust and accept her, however she had no desire to be made a fool of again by Mary, or be intimidated by Miss Petherbridge. The melted wax, which had pooled around the base of the flame, spilled down the side of the candle. It cooled quickly in the chilled atmosphere to form a cascade of smooth pearl droplets. As the candle struggled to stay alight, it was transforming into a new kind of beauty that was not lost to Janey. She slipped from the covers, and with a new determination, her bare feet touched the cold wooden floor. Mary would be arriving for work soon with the expectation that Janey would be reprimanded for returning late. She left her warm bed and quietly crossed the room to her washbasin. Janey scooped some cold water into her cupped hands and held it whilst deep in thought, observing her palms which were now distorted by the icy water. Mary’s plan has failed, thought Janey, as I will already be about my duties when she arrives. She splashed the iced water onto her face and gasped as it stung her skin. She had a right to be here and the sooner Mary and Miss Petherbridge understood that the better, she decided.

As the sky began to lighten outside Janey stood in front of her pitted mirror, pinned her cap on her head and smoothed the skirt of her uniform. With some relief she recognised the neat, tidy woman looking back at her. This reflection was safe. To the outside world it presented a neat professional lady’s maid. Yet, she began to realise, it showed a daughter desperate for approval and love from her mother. A daughter who had climbed the servant’s hierarchy in the hope it would make her mother proud. In the cold morning candlelight it showed an increasingly lonely woman who was desperate to belong. She despised that desperation. She may look like a lady’s maid, but outside of her duties in her ladyship’s rooms she had not fulfilled the role. In her naïvety she thought she could climb the ladder of position and remain everyone’s friend, but in this house it could not be so. Daniel, who barely knew her, had identified the problem easily. Perhaps it was his relationship with the scullery maid that helped him understand, but Janey felt it was deeper than that. From what she knew of him he also did not come from these parts and had only settled here after fleeing a traumatic childhood with no solid family foundation. Perhaps he understood her feelings of not belonging and the distrust experienced by others for being an outsider. Daniel Kellow, a dark brooding man of few words, who, despite his abrupt behaviour and lack of manners, had been the only one to come to her aide last night. He had kept her warm and safe, listened to her as she talked, and his words, free of charm and fancy expression, had made sense. Today, from this day forward, she would fulfil her role completely. The likes of Mary would know where they stood with her and if she earned their respect that was all to the good but she would not waste anymore time trying to gain their friendship. Mary had betrayed her, and she would never forget that. Suddenly the woman looking back at her no longer looked desperate. She appeared, Janey was pleased to see, determined.