Authors: Kimberly Livingston
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
The push to go to Disneyland began right after Spring break. A number of Madison’s classmates had gone and the pictures and stories shared in the week after the vacation had piqued her curiosity tremendously. A land with a talking mouse sounded too good to be true to a girl with an imagin
ation as big as Madison’s. She was relentless.
Hannah tried everything she could to dissuade, distract, and discourage Madison from her quest to see the
mouse. She tried the “We’ll see” tactic (“Mommy, you know that is just stalling for actually having to deal with the situation.”), the “Disney costs a lot of money” tactic (“But Mommy, you just got that advance for the new book.”), and the “You don’t really want to go there” tactic (“Yes I do!”). The conversation started from the moment Madison got in the car to go home from school and barely let up until bedtime. It began again in the morning over cereal and continued until she hugged Hannah goodbye at school, then it began all over again at the end of the day.
“It’s not fair!” Hannah appealed to Sheila for support over the phone. “I can’t take her to Disneyland. You know I can’t.”
“Why not?”
Hannah wanted to accuse Sheila of never being one to be very supportive. “Very funny.”
“No, I’m serious. Why not? You said yourself that you are able to go to the store, you volunteer at the school, you do all the things mommies do. You said you weren’t afraid anymore.”
“You know dang well why I can’t go to Disneyland.” Hannah’s voice became quieter, as she peered around the corner to make sure Madison was still engrossed in her art project in her bedroom. “Can’t you just picture me completely losing it while I’m…. there. That would be quite the vacation experience.”
“Hannah, have you thought that maybe this is exactly what you need to do? Maybe if you go with Madison then you will create all new memories, happy memories that you can hang on to and build on for the rest of your life. Maybe this is the proverbial getting back on the horse that you need. Besides, are you going to deny Madison her rite of passage as a child just because you have some old baggage hanging around?”
“You haven’t taken Ben yet.” Hannah pointed out.
“We took Ben to Elitches once; and, not only did he cry the entire time he was there, but he threw up on the one kiddie ride we took him on. No, I don’t think Disneyland with Ben would be the same experience as it will be with Madison.”
Hannah knew Sheila was right on that one. Ben was kind of squeamish when it came to anything imaginary. Sheila had an album full of pictures of him with Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, in every one of them he was either bawling or looking terrified of the icon sitting next to him. Sheila thought it was hilarious, and swore that she would hang on to the album to use as blackmail against Ben when he was a teenager.
The up side was that Madison suddenly developed a skill for helping out around the house, and while there had been the typical waning of public affection for her mother in the beginning of her school career (“Oh mom, don’t kiss me in front of everyone!”) Meg was suddenly full of love again, accepting and even offering hugs and kisses on a frequent basis. Hannah loved the extra attention, and admittedly, didn’t mind a daughter who had begun to clean up her room without being asked. After a month of nonstop bargaining, Hannah finally conceded.
It was an early entry day for the park and Hannah and Madison were the first at the gate. The lines were growing around them as they waited the final fifteen minutes until the gates would open. However; even for a summer day, the early morning hadn’t brought out huge crowds. Hannah watched as Madison observed everything within the gate. She paid close attention to the workers as they scurried back and forth between their stations and to the one cast member who was obviously in charge. Hannah had an eerie recollection that she had seen this very man before.
A few moments later the outer gates were opened and as each line moved forward to the ticket turnstile, a single family was led into the park. The mother seemed more excited than the children to have been picked to open the park. She kept saying, Hannah could hear her, “I can’t believe it.”
Madison looked up at Hannah with a disgruntled face.
“Why do they get to go in first?” she demanded.
“They always pick a family to go in to do the countdown. You wait, they will do it in a moment. We all get to count down and say something like “the park is now open.” Hannah couldn’t remember the exact words.
“Next time, my family is going to get picked to open the park!” Madison said with no doubt in her voice.
Hannah didn’t have the heart to tell her that it usually was a bigger family they picked, an entire family. Perhaps Madison would get to do it with her own children someday.
As Hannah had said, the family helped the head cast member count backwards from ten to one and they all yelled “Let the magic begin!” and they were in. While families, sometimes led by the children, sometimes led by the adults, hurried into the park, Madison took her time, observing her surrounding carefully, taking it all in. They crossed under the tunnel, and Hannah looked once more at the posters hanging on the walls of the attractions she knew waited for them inside. Once out the other end she led Madison to the center of Main Street so that Madison could look around without being run over by tourists or park transportation. It was just as Hannah had remembered it, and she smiled, a little sadly.
Suddenly the train station announced, “Your attention please. The Sana Fe and Disneyland passenger train, the E.P. Ripley, now loading at the Main Street Station on track number one for a trip around Walt Disney’s Magic Kingdom. All ‘board!” Madison looked up at Hannah. While before this moment the trip had elicited wonder, this was the first real look of pure excitement.
“Where does that go?” she insisted.
“It goes all the way around the park. We’ll ride on that later.”
Hannah caught her breath. It may have been the déjà vu of a moment from nearly six years prior when she had asked the same question and been given the same answer. But in fact, it was what Hannah had caught sight of while looking toward the train station. She saw, unmistakably the person who had answered her in the same way nearly six years before. It was Daniel. She thought perhaps he hadn’t seen her, hadn’t recognized the shocked woman staring at him. Then she realized that not only had he seen her and recognized her, but that he also saw his own reflection in the red headed, almond eyed child standing next to her. They both froze, and any motion around them was completely unnoticed, as both adults registered the full extent of the moment. Madison hadn’t noticed what had caught her mother’s attention, and continued chattering on about the sights she was noticing. Hannah didn’t hear her though, she was still contemplating whether or not she should turn and run or confront Daniel. She didn’t need to decide, however, as he began walking straight toward her and Madison.
“Hello Hannah,” w
as all he managed to say when he got to them. His gaze passed from her face to Madison’s and back to Hannah’s.
“Daniel….” She didn’t know what to say. She was afraid to say anything at all, for fear that the moment would pass and it all would have been a dream.
This exchange had caught Madison’s attention, though she didn’t register the immensity of it. As far as Hannah could tell, Madison didn’t recognize anything in Daniel that would bring understanding to her. She just saw a new acquaintance, another friend, someone to share an experience with.
“Hi, I’m Madison. Madison Elizabeth Glen. But everyone calls me Meg.” She stuck her hand out in Madison-like fashion causing both adults to smile and the tension of the moment to be broken.
“Hello Meg, I’m… Daniel. How do you like the happiest place on earth?”
Madison looked at her mother with a quizzical look. She hadn’t heard it called this yet.
“Disneyland,” Hannah filled in.
“I love it!” It was all the introduction Madison needed to instantly like this new person. “But I’ve only just arrived so I don’t really know what it is yet. Have you ever been here before?”
Daniel shot Hannah a glance that made her look away. This wasn’t the moment to discuss why she hadn’t ever told Madison the story of how mommy and the absent daddy had met.
Daniel breathed in three deep breaths, and forced himself to hide his feelings before looking back at the little girl who so obviously was his. There would be time later to discuss this; he would make sure of it. Now was the time to spend his first day with his daughter in his favorite place in the world. And he told her as much.
“I
have
been here before, many times. This is my favorite place to be. I can show you and… your mom around if you would like a tour guide.” Daniel looked at Hannah for permission. She held his stare and didn’t dare deny him this.
“Our own tour guide! Mommy, Daniel can show us everything!”
“I would like that very much,” Hannah agreed.
“Well then Meg girl, let me show you the way.” Madison had already taken Daniel’s hand in her one and Hannah’s in her other, and off they walked down Main Street of Disneyland toward the Peter Pan ride in Fantasyland. To any onlooker, they were a typical family on a visit to the Magic Kingdom.
“Why….” Daniel choked off the words, trying to control his anger and emotion. It had been a wonderful day, an amazing day shared with the most incredible child he had ever met and the woman that he had spent the better part of the past six and a half years trying to forget.
During the time in the park, Hannah and he had managed to bury any feelings they may have had, and actually truly had enjoyed the day. After Hannah had put Madison to sleep in her adjoining room, however, it was time for the conversation to be had.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” He managed to spit out.
“I didn’t want to keep you from moving on with your life, finding the right person for you.” Hannah’s response was weak.
“Finding the right person? The
right
person? I found the right person, dammit! And once you find the right person, you don’t tend to want to look for another.”
“I called, Daniel. I called to tell you, and you were on a date.”
Daniel began to protest and then a glimmer of understanding changed the look in his eyes. His anger subsided slightly, like a violent storm after it passes. “Linda,” he said quietly.
“What?” Hannah felt ill, she suddenly wondered if she had misunderstood all those years ago, that perhaps Daniel’s “date” had been with Linda and the kids. She wondered if it had been some cruel trick of fate. As Daniel continued, she realized that in some ways it had been.
“Linda talked me into going on a blind date a few months after….” He looked away for a moment, trying to control his voice. “I told her I didn’t want to, but you know how Linda is. It was a disaster. I was home within two hours and I never went on another one since.
Hannah blinked. Never? Could it be true?
Daniel continued, trying once more to explain. “When your true love leaves, it is no different than if you are widowed. You were the “right” person for me. There was never anyone else that could even come close.”
Both were quiet for a while, lost in their own thoughts of what they had been through without the other.
“Six years, Hannah. I lost six years that I could have been with my daughter.
Hannah could see the frustration boiling on Daniel’s face, while he held back the tears that were forming in his eyes. She let hers spill over without trying to stop them.
“I missed six years of her life! I missed you being pregnant with our child. I wasn’t there for any of that.”
“I’m sorry.” Hannah’s voice was barely audible. “I’m so sorry.”
“Why?” he repeated the question.
Hannah took a long time before she answered. Daniel deserved a real answer, an honest answer. And Hannah knew that there was one to be given.
“I was afraid…” Hannah raised up her hand to stop Daniel from interrupting. She was going to get this out if it killed her. “I was afraid that I couldn’t be with you and take care of a child at the same time. I knew that if I only had to worry about the baby that I could do that. I was afraid that if I had to split my attention between you and her I would fail and lose you both. I was afraid to tell you because I was afraid that you would take her from me if I couldn’t be with you. It was wrong. I was so wrong, Daniel and I know it. I knew it all along. But I never thought you would know. I know, that is no excuse. You had every right to know. You had every right to her. But I was afraid.” The fears that had been inside of her poured out, as did the tears from Hannah’s eyes, spilling onto her hands which were clasped with humility and guilt in her lap.
Daniel took equally long to respond. He knew Hannah well. He knew this was no made up confession. He knew how real her fears were. And in part, he felt his own guilt for letting her go without ever trying to contact her again. Part of the blame was his. But he hadn’t known there was a child, his child, and for this there was a part of him that could not accept this answer.
Before he could speak his mind, however, Hannah continued. “But Daniel, I am not afraid any more. Madison has taught me so much about being exactly who I am and being okay with it. She taught me to go outside into the world with confidence. I volunteer at her school, I am part of the PTA, I go shopping in town. All of this bravery because of my…” Hannah’s voice softened “because of our little girl. Don’t you see Daniel, I realize now that if you had been there the whole time, and I know you should have been there, but if you had been there I would have let you be the one to take care of her, and of me. I would have let you be the one in charge, I would have let you be the brave one, and I would still be afraid. I would always be afraid. But I’m not now.”