On an Edge of Glass (14 page)

             
I don’t acknowledge that the thought of Ben with another girl wounds me in a huge way.  “I don’t think he…”  My voice trails off.

             
“Ellie,” Mark says in a tone like he’s talking to a four year old.  “Ben is a musician.  He’s too damn hot for his own good, and he’s fresh out of a long relationship.  A relationship that ended badly.  My instincts tell me that he’s going to be playing the field, or sowing his wild oats, or whatever, for a bit.  I just don’t want to see you end up in the crossfire.”

             
I ignore the massive boulder that’s taken up residence on top of my heart.  “I guess that Ben can do what he wants.  We’re taking this whole thing one day at a time.”  God, I don’t even believe myself.

             
“And you’re okay, say… if he hooks up with some harlot after one of his shows?  Or maybe a beautiful violinist that’s in the student orchestra with him?”

Of course, no
w I’m remembering that he had a performance last Thursday and got home really late.  I swallow down the lump lodged in my throat.  “It’s a no-strings attached arrangement,” I say carefully. 

             
“And you and Ben have discussed this?”

“Well, no….”

“Ellie Glass!  Only an idiot thinks that the no-strings thing works out in the end.  And you’re not an idiot.”  Mark sits forward and places his hand over mine.  “Chica, I don’t want you to get hurt and I’m worried.  I like this new playful Ellie.  I really do.  But I also know that the Ellie that’s sitting for the LSAT in two days, and plans to take on Columbia by storm, is still in there somewhere.  And I have an awful feeling that this thing with Ben is going to blow up in her face.”

             
I want to tell Mark that he’s full of shit—that he has no idea what he’s talking about.  But the thing is, a part of me thinks that maybe—as usual—Mark has a point. 

I do like
Ben.  More than I should if this thing is just what it appears to be—casual.  Last night after he’d slipped into my room and we messed around for awhile, we talked into the dark for hours and Ben had me laughing until I could hardly speak. 

I fell asleep to the sound of him humming into my hair, and the feel of him at my back.
  And I didn’t want it to end.  I wanted to turn over and kiss that freckle on his chest that kills me.  I wanted to run my fingers through his dark hair and trace the lines of his face with my lips.  I wanted to
devour
him.  That doesn’t sound like a no-strings-attached, no destination feeling. 

“God!” I screw my eyes shut.  “Why do you always have to be right?”
 

Mark looks resigned.  He takes a long sip from his cup of coffee.  “It’s the natural order of things.”

             
In my head I’m planning what I’m going to say to Ben.  I’m going play it cool and try to stay away from words like “us” and “feelings.”   

Ainsley and I are in the car
headed home from the mall.  She dragged me shopping after class so that I could vote on which dress she should wear to some fraternity social she has to go to Saturday night.

“Okay, serious question,” she says glancing at me sideways.
  Her blonde hair is pulled away from her heart-shaped face with a butterfly clip.  Her blue eyes are wide and steady.  “Are you thinking black shoes or nude?  Be totally honest.”

             
Uh.  I wasn’t really thinking about either but I don’t say that.  I cock my head to one side like I’m contemplating the question. 

“
I think black will be sexier but nude is more sophisticated, so I guess it depends on what look you’re going for,” I say.  My chilly hands are cupped over the car air vents to capture the heat.

             
She nods, letting my advice soak in.  “When Brandon asked me to go to this thing with him I was sort of underwhelmed.  I’ve known him for awhile and we’ve never been anything more than friends, but I think he really likes me and now… I don’t know…” she looks almost shy—two rosy bright circles appearing on her cheeks.  “I think I might feel the same way.”

             
I give her a jerky smile.  “Then black it is!”

             
Ainsley laughs as she pulls onto our street.  “What about you Els?  You haven’t dated anyone since what’s-his-face in August.”

             
“Hey!  What’s-his-face was cute!”  I purse my lips, trying to quell the uncomfortable feeling rising up from inside of me.  I hate not being honest with her.  “Ainsley, I’m just too busy for guys right now.  The LSAT is in two days.”  The lie tastes like ash in my mouth.

             
She frowns.  “Just promise me that when that stupid test is behind us you’ll have a little fun for a change.  I’d like to see you happy,” she says as she parks the car.             

I prepare to fake a promise.  My
fingers are figuratively crisscrossed behind my back, but Ainsley distracts me by slapping her hand over her mouth.  Her eyes widen and her gaze zeroes in over my shoulder. 

“Speaking of fun,” she coos.  “Looks like
our roomie is having some of his own.”

             
I turn in my seat and see Ben and some girl standing in the doorway of the house.  Wait… not
some
girl.  It’s the hostess from the awful lunch with my dad. I think he said that her name is Julie. 

She’s got her absurdly long reddish hair in that same side braid that someh
ow manages to be casual and elegant all at once.  I hate side braids.  And I hate the way that Julie’s giggling with her head angled flirtatiously to the side.  I hate that the afternoon sun is glinting off her, making her all golden and glowing.  I hate that amazing brown coat that she’s wearing.  I especially hate that I want to ask her where she got it.

I shudder. 
It’s like my heart’s been kicked down twenty-seven flights of stairs.  Everything that Mark said to me earlier comes crashing back into focus.

Fumbling with my jacket and scarf,
I take an extra long time to get out of the car so that I’m partly shielded by Ainsley.  If only Ainsley were a teeny bit taller, I wouldn’t have to worry that my face is a cornucopia of spotty emotions—none of which I want Ben or Julie to be clued in to. 

“Hi there!
”  Ainsley calls out in her tinkling voice.

“Hey!” 
Ben bounds down the porch steps toward us.  The introductions commence. 

I’m
fiddling and trying really hard to seem interested in the zipper of my purse.  I look up only once and meet Ben’s eyes head on.  There’s a question there that I can’t interpret.  He opens his mouth like he’s going to say something to me, but then Julie is talking.  She touches his arm lightly and I want to karate chop her into a million bazillion tiny pieces.

I inhale and close my eyes. 
Even I can’t believe how juvenile I’m being.  We made no promises to one another.  Ben can spend time with whomever he likes—even if that person is a beautiful hostess who is currently staring at him soulfully and playing with the sleeve of his shirt.

It’s
me
, not Ben Hamilton, who needs to get things in check.  I think it’s time that I remove myself from the situation before I do something incredibly stupid.  I clear my throat and push sideways through the open doorway. 

As I go
, I say in a prickly voice that doesn’t even sound like mine, “You guys are letting all of the heat out.”

Flowers and Fairytales for M’Lady

Mark would tell me
that there’s only so much studying you can do for one test and that at some point you either know the material or you don’t.  My mother would disagree.  She’s been sending me a never-ending deluge of LSAT practice books and quizzes for the past eight months. 

             
I’m on the floor of my room, leaning against the foot of the bed.  There’s a slew of open workbooks spread out on the floor in front on me.  I sigh.  I’ve got less than forty-eight hours to go. 

Picking up a pen, I force
the afternoon boy drama from my head.  I really need to be serious about this test considering that it’s my entire future. 

             
“Ellie!”  Payton is knocking on my door.  She pops her head in before I can respond.  “We’re going to order Chinese for dinner.  Want your usual chicken and veggies?”

             
I barely look up.  “Nah, I’m good.  I had a bagel and cream cheese a little while ago.”

             
“Suit yourself,” she says as she walks away leaving my bedroom door half-open.

             
“
Door
Payton!”  I shout, but she doesn’t come back.  I figure that she’s already on the phone ordering her favorite—Moo shu pork with no rice and extra egg rolls.

             
I roll my eyes and crawl forward on my knees, letting the book that I’m holding drag across the floor.  As I reach my hand out to swing the door closed, a pair of worn black boots steps into my line of sight.   

             
I tip my head back, back, back.  It’s like déjà vu to that first day in the coffee shop.  Here is Ben, all warm brown eyes and loose hair falling across his forehead, staring down at me.

             
“Hey,” I manage to say in a tone that I hope comes across as bland.

             
Ben grimaces.  He slips through the door and shuts it gently behind him.  “Hey, I wanted to see you…”

             
I shuffle the papers in front of me and fidget with the pen in my hand—anything so that I don’t have to look at him.  “I, uh, don’t really have the time to hang out tonight, okay?” 

             
I expect Ben to nod his head and leave my room, but of course he doesn’t cooperate.  He drops down next to me and grabs my chin so that I’m forced to look into those dark, digging eyes.

He opens his mouth like he wants to say something.  Closes it.  Opens it again.  “Please
talk to me Ellie.”  His voice cracks with purpose.

             
“About what?”  The words drizzle out of me.  I’m playing ignorant. 

             
“You seemed upset earlier and I want you to tell me why.”

             
I lift my arms in an exaggerated shrug.  “It’s nothing,” I lie thinly.  “I just have a lot going on right now with this test and my classes and stuff.  Right after Thanksgiving break we’re going to jump into final exam week.  I’m completely unprepared, and I should be studying for the LSAT and working on my Columbia application and—”

             
Ben interrupts me, his voice thick and gruff.  “So it has nothing to do with Julie and me?  Because it seemed like you were upset this afternoon.”

             
Ugh. 
Julie and me. 
He says it like they’re a unit.  Abbot and Costello, Cagney and Lacey, Penn and Teller, Edward and Bella, Ben and Julie.

             
“Pshhhh,” I bat my hand in the air dismissively.  “No, not at all.  You can do whatever you like with whomever you like.  It’s not like we’re—” I close my eyes and reopen them.  “So if you and Julie are talking or whatever, I don’t mind.  It’s fine with me.”

             
The look on Ben’s face makes my stomach queasy.  He rocks back on his heels, and drops my chin.  “So your opinion of me is that I’m the kind of guy that’s okay with spending the morning in your bedroom with you and the afternoon with another girl?  You think that even though you know how things ended for my last relationship?”               

             
The hurt laced through his words knocks into me. 

“No…” I start
to protest, but the thing is
that
is exactly what I’ve been thinking and he knows it.  “I just meant that it’s not like I expect any kind of commitment from you.  I have no claim on you.  We aren’t…” I let out a held breath and speak quickly before I chicken out.  “You don’t even want to have sex with me.” 

             
Ben shakes his head lightly.  “Is that what you think?” 

             
My hands are trembling.  I look down at the floor.  “It doesn’t have to be a big deal… I figured that you were still getting over your ex, or that you aren’t that into me.  Or maybe it’s because we’re roommates and things could get even more uncomfortable…”  My throat closes up.    

              “Jesus Ellie. How can you possibly be that bad at reading me?”  He rolls his shoulders and brings his face to my level.  He is speaking low and rough and his words rumble through me.  “Just so a few things are clear: Julie’s just a friend.  She borrowed a book for class the other day and she came by here to drop it off.  And I
do
want to have sex with you.  Badly.” 

“I—I don’t—”