On Becoming Her Sir (8 page)

He is all things to me and I am so honored to call him my Sir. Do we have bumps in the road? Absolutely. Do we argue? Yes, and each time seeing the look of disappointment in his eyes makes me cringe. There is nothing worse than disappointing him. Nothing. In the beginning I didn’t understand this, not completely. I thought he’d get over my infractions and we’d move on. Only after a couple of months did I realize he takes my misdeeds or my disobedience to heart, as if he were to blame. I remember yelling at him one time because the notion drove me crazy. Yes, he punished me for my mouth and my dishonor. And he should have.

I make mistakes still. I know I’ll manage more. I hope in time the infractions will become fewer and certainly less in severity. I think they will, because of Luke and his training. That being said, I know I need to allow him to be a man. As a man he’s going to make his own mistakes. He’s going to falter in his needs, his beliefs and in how he handles not only my needs but also ours. He is going to fail. He is going to worry. He is going to suffer. I only hope he’ll love and trust me enough to tell when how I can help or what’s wrong. That’s all I truly want from him. I wish I could let go of the past, move forward to another step. I seem to be derailing myself and I hate what I’m doing. That’s going to stop, no matter what I have to do.

My Sir Luke has my undying love and my ever growing devotion. I hope I give him the honor and respect he gives me. He is my everything. We’re going away for a few days. I know little about the trip with the exception we’re going to delve even deeper into our journey of submission together. I hope to remind him that he is also a man as well as my Sir. I’m looking forward to the trip.

Jessie didn’t bother reading what she’d written. She never did. There would be no changes and no additions. That was her promise regarding her journal. What she did glance at again were her words about being afraid. The sad part for her was that she remained very much afraid. And after all the thoughts and delving into her psyche, she had no idea why. Her thoughts lingered to Bart once again and the thought was…

She exhaled slowly after finishing the piece and drained her wine. Luke was late which probably meant he wasn’t coming home for another two hours or so. She’d stopped even asking and certainly hadn’t been attempting to make dinner. Perhaps tonight she’d go out all by herself. Yeah. Now what would Sir Luke think about that? Wrinkling her nose, she left both the empty glass and her journal on the table. Right now it was time for a little music, a little cleaning, then another glass of wine or two. Maybe going to a hot club would do her some good. She hadn’t been since… Jessie had to stop and think about the last time. She used to go with her friends all the time. That’s how she met Luke in the first place. After they’d gotten together they seemed to have little time to go out. Or maybe he didn’t want her to.

Well, maybe tonight would mean a change in their habits. She picked up a few things from the living room, tossed some clothes into the washing machine and added fresh towels to the bathroom. She stopped in the hallway and glared at the very open door to Luke’s office. Her curiosity was peeked. What in the world was he working on? He hadn’t mentioned any particular athlete at all and he usually did. There had been one football player he’d talked about for weeks, then nothing. Zippo. It was as if they’d met and Luke hated the guy.

Jessie knew better. Luke wanted to be very successful in his work. While Luke never talked about what success meant to him, she knew enough to figure out he measured his wealth as a man by his pocketbook. Growing up poor, with drug addicts and prostitutes living next door had certainly colored his world in various shades of envy. She couldn’t blame Luke for wanting more, craving the tangible and intangible so blatantly shoved down their throats. Jessie only hoped his need for success wouldn’t overpower the honorable man she’d grown to love and respect. Well, she needed to give him the benefit of the doubt and room to breathe.

Then there was the call of the room. She nibbled on her bottom lip and moved a few steps closer. There was such a draw as to why and how he could spend so much time in what he had often called the hallowed walls. As she inched closer still, taking a deep whiff, there was a distinct fragrance that was all testosterone. She smiled and rubbed her fingers across her mouth and could swear the taste of him still lingered on her lips. Licking the tips, she took a step inside and caught herself shivering. This was very much like breaking the rules. No this was indeed breaking the rules. He wasn’t hiding his work from her but told her clearly he had to ask. Still, she couldn’t help herself.

Scanning the space, nothing seemed out of order. Luke was very organized and prided himself in keeping everything in a particular place. She loved the very distinguished attribute. Every man she’d ever had any experience with was a messy pig, capable of creating havoc in a room in a minimum of thirty seconds after coming home from work. The thought gave her one too many negative tastes in her mouth. Luke was entirely different.

She actually loved being in the space, could feel the very heartbeat of the man in the masculine space. Smiling, Jessie shook her head as she remembered the way she kidded him about the deep mahogany book shelves and desk, the plush red leather chairs for visitors, matching the high back office chair that was more like a throne than a basic chair. Moving toward his desk, she brushed the tips of her fingers across the smooth wood, marveling in how supple the finish felt to her skin.

While Luke wasn’t into the concept of showing off with his monies earned, this was his respite and he’d decorated the space with fine art, a small wet bar that stocked every high dollar liquor he enjoyed, and a state of the art sound system to go with his top of the line Macintosh computer. He loved being on the cutting edge of electronics and everything about this room suited him.

Unable to help herself, she slid into his chair and immediately rested her hands on the thick leather arms. Drinking in the scent of well-oiled leather, she shivered and for a few minutes thought about every naughty thing she could do with Luke in this delicious space. The series of visions made her shiver, her pussy clench. Crossing and re-crossing her legs, she pretended she was in the middle of a rather infamous movie and closed her eyes, allowing her hand to travel into the bodice of her dress.

For some reason the single act made her feel dirty. After pinching her nipple she sniffed and realized she wasn’t in the mood for sex. Opening her eyes, she stared at the computer screen, noticing the blue hue, which meant the computer was on and just in sleep mode. Suddenly a myriad of thoughts raced into the back of her mind.
Why is Luke always in here? Why is he hiding his business practices? Why won’t he bring me into this part of his life?

All the questions were good ones. She shifted her hand toward the keyboard then glanced at the open door. A little look wouldn’t hurt. No, it wouldn’t. Luke had told her many times there was nothing about his life either past or present that he wouldn’t share with her. She felt the same way. Her hand hit the space bar before she realized it and when the screen seemed to burst into life she sucked in her breath.

The main screen appeared with his screensaver of a very creative submissive saying. There were no open files and only one open Internet location. He’d left the computer on with whatever he was looking at last for viewing pleasure. Jessie sat back and nibbled on her bottom lip. This wasn’t a good way to try and garner information. No. She should get up and go finish cleaning the house. Yep. She moved the chair back and was ready to rise to her feet when the rather challenging girl inside forced her to stay seated.
You need to know.
“Right.”

Don’t do this. Don’t invade his privacy.
Jessie growled and hated herself for both wanting to know and hesitating learning.
Go on.
See where he’s been on the Internet.
What, as if he was looking at porn? “You’re pathetic.” That very notion may be true but she was locked onto the thought like a dog to a bone.

Jessie took a quick glance at the door again before clicking on the single icon. She fiddled as she waited for the site to load. When she did, the vibrant website literally bounced onto the scene. From swirling colors to what was some of the most provocative music almost oozing from the computer, whatever they were selling she wanted to buy. Sensual and heated, she tingled from the sensory overload and had to concentrate on the title of the site itself. “Edge play?” she whispered. Of course she knew what the term meant and she could understand if he was Googling something perhaps for them to try as a couple. Maybe they sold sexy stuff, treats both she and Luke would enjoy. After studying the main page she clicked on the ‘About Us’ button and began to read. This was no basic Internet kink or BDSM site. This was the beginnings of a marketing and media website that hosted and highlighted what was going to be a magazine.

“I’ll be damned.” Unable to stop herself, Jessie began looking at the various pages, admiring the layout and content. Whoever the photographer was they’d hired was incredible. The vivacious and stunning photographs of men, women and couples in various states of BDSM were amazing and created such intense images in her mind she had to fan her face. She could easily tell the site was under construction and that the magazine hadn’t hit the market yet. This was the rag he’d mentioned just briefly. My God. Still, whatever they were going for seemed to be not only hot, but perfect timing given Fifty Shades and all the subsequent aspects regarding the BDSM lifestyle. Since the influx of various kink books that had been brought much more into the mainstream, BDSM, D/s and all the other concepts of the lifestyle were a hot ticket. Sizzling in fact.

She continued to look and knew this was going to rival many of the old style magazines that seemed to be passé in the market. Maybe Luke was getting ideas. “Hhhmmm…” Jessie sat back in the seat and contemplated the whys. Yes, she tended to over analyze things to death. After spending a good five minutes trying to figure out why, her gaze shifted to the little words at the bottom. “Who we are, huh?” A split second later she’d clicked and a new screen popped up. Instantly she recognized the names. Luke’s buddies were the ones involved. Of course. The magazine from before wasn’t as dead as Luke had told her, merely maybe a different format?

There was no real reason for her to feel the anger that was brimming other than Luke didn’t have the confidence or the interest in telling her he was going into business with the men he’d know from years before. Maybe she was just overreacting. Yes, as usual she was. He might not be doing this at all, but simply giving his support.
Then why were they in your home on a Sunday?
Jessie shivered and held her arms. Yeah, why were they? Because they want Luke’s help, his expertize. Huffing, she knew she was right and she also knew he would succumb to his need to be King of the Hill.

Lowering her head into her hands, she moaned. What was he getting himself into? “I should have known better than to trust him.”

“And I am saying the very same thing.”

There was nothing more chilling than hearing the tone of utter disappointment in Luke’s deep voice, the way the timbre fluctuated. Jessie trembled, her legs shaking to the point she heard her foot actually tapping on the floor. “Luke,” she managed as she lifted her head, unable to open her eyes just yet.

“There is nothing I wouldn’t tell you. Nothing I wouldn’t give you. I have few rules about my space. Few aspects of my life I simply want to iron out first before I discuss with you. Do you understand me?”

“Yes.” His voice was full of dark angst, compelling her to look at him. The tension on his face, the way his eyes seemed angry yet haunted would forever remain in her mind. “I’m sorry. I came
in because…” What in the hell had she even come in for?
To find out what the hell he’s hiding. Heat rose from her neck and of course she knew Luke could see. When he didn’t say anything further she shifted in her seat. “I’m sorry. I just wanted to know what you were hiding from me.”

His eyes flared yet he didn’t move. “I have no reason to hide anything from you, Jezebel. However, I do have certain aspects of my life that I intend to keep private. My business you and I can share to a point much life your own. But details I do not feel I need to share.”

“I understand.”

“I don’t think you do. You violated my trust, something I gave to you freely. Now something you’ll have to earn.”

Luke’s voice resonated in the room, an echo pulsing past her face. Jessie blinked furiously as if wind had slapped her hard. No, his words had forced her to her knees in a figurative manner and she was shaking all over. “I…I…don’t know…what to say.”

“There is nothing you can say. There is nothing if you could say the words that would mean anything to me right now. I trusted you. I trust few. You betrayed me. I’m not certain what to do any longer, or if we can continue this. You’re not the woman I thought you were and I’m certainly not the man. I need some time. You need to take some time.”

As Luke tilted his head, his eyes flashing contempt, he sighed. The sound was horrible for a woman who could barely contain her emotions. Jessie was frozen, the echoes of the words he was saying managing to make it to the deep part of her brain. Yet she was unable to comprehend. “I wasn’t trying to. I…”

Luke held out his hand. “Don’t. Just don’t. I’m going back to the office. I need time alone. The event tomorrow is important and you will be at my side. Period. I’ll pick you up tomorrow evening at seven.” His look was one of domination. There would be no way to answer no.

“Yes sir.” Her entire body was trembling and there were no words to say how she felt, the horror that remained inside. Jessie gathered she had nodded since Luke snapped his head and turned, walking out the door. She had remained frozen for what had to be several minutes. As she thought about what Luke had said as well as what she’d done, tears slipped from her eyes. No matter how hard she tried to fight them back they continued to fall. Finally, she fell to her knees and fell into despair. What had she done?