On Grace (21 page)

“Thanks. Didn’t think I had it in me?” Jake asks, clinking my glass. We both take sips of our saketinis.

“It’s not that. I guess I just don’t think of you as the sentimental type, and that was really . . . thoughtful.” I have to turn away from him and focus on the edamame because every time I look into his eyes I smile.

“Me? I am Mr. Sentimental!” Jake proclaims.

“Really? Well, I have to say that I don’t really know you, or really most of the people at this table, as an adult. To me, everyone’s still little sixteen-year-old Valley kids frozen in time but with crow’s feet and more expensive watches,” I say, popping some edamame out of their shell and tossing the empty pod into the bowl in the middle of the table.

“It’s true.” He laughs. “Sometimes I have to remind myself that we’re not all going to meet up at a kegger at Jason Pontrose’s house on Saturday night. Those days are long gone.”

“Jason Pontrose,” I say reminiscing. “Whatever happened to him?” I sneak a peek at Jake. He’s looking at me. I smile.

“He lives in Tarzana and runs a smoothie shop.”

“Nice.”

“Yeah. I stop in whenever I’m in the Valley, and he gives me free smoothies. Talk about frozen in time, he still wears Op shorts and black-and-white checkerboard Vans.”

“Wow.” I take a sip of my drink and stare at the dancing fire in the votive candles. “I guess some people need to see the world and expand their horizons, and other people are quite content living their whole lives in the same place. I’m not saying one’s better than the other, they’re just different.”

“Did someone say Jason Pontrose?” Sara asks.

“We were talking about the keggers he used to have all the time. Where the hell were his parents?” I ask, laughing.

“Sara, remember the time you passed out at his house and your parents filed a missing persons report because you never came home that night?” Kiki asks.

“Oh my God. I had completely blocked that out. That was horrible. The life of a teenager before cell phones. I remember waking up in Jason’s bed, next to a completely nude Jason. I was completely dressed, of course,” she says, “but I was so embarrassed. He swore nothing happened. Yuck.”

We all laugh. I could talk about high-school memories for hours. I don’t know if that makes me sentimental or pathetic. Probably a little of both. The waiter comes, and Jake orders a slew of appetizers for the table without even looking at the menu.

“Come here often?” I ask.

“Yeah, once in a while,” he says modestly. “My agent’s office is down the street, so she sets up a lot of lunch meetings here with potential clients.”

“You’re kind of surprising me,” I say.

“Why? Because you still think of me as the clueless surfer dude who said ‘stoked’ all the time and skipped school when there were big swells at Zuma?” Jake asks, pushing his hair off his face. He’s got that perfect hip casual look going on again tonight. He’s wearing faded jeans, a white linen button down, and a cool silver necklace with some sort of Zen-looking charm around his neck. He’s got a fresh glow on his face, like he spent the afternoon on the beach.

“Well, to be honest, I guess I kind of do.”

“Well, then I’m going to have to change your perception of me.” He smiles at me.

“Tell me about your art,” I say, trying to steer us toward neutral subjects.

“I’m kind of transitioning my style. I do that every year or so as different things inspire me, like places I travel to, people I meet, challenges I overcome, social issues I become active in, music I listen to, books I read. When my perceptions change about things, and I open my eyes to new interpretations, it just seems to manifest itself in my art,” he says. As he talks, his voice turns serious and he gestures meaningfully with his hands.

I’m so moved by what he just said that I realize I was holding my breath. Darren would never say something like that. He’s just not evocative. Not the type of guy to read literature or have a favorite poem. Jake is so different from Darren. I feel the alcohol working, and I take off my sweater because I feel warm. I get a little stuck as I try to maneuver it off in the tiny space I’ve been allotted in the banquette.

“Here, let me help you with that,” Jake says as my shoulder brushes across his chest. As it does, I catch his eye. He’s smiling at me.

“Thanks,” I say, turning away to get another edamame. I don’t even like edamame. It’s just giving my hands something to do.

“Jake, why are you monopolizing Grace?” Arden asks in her I’ve-had-one-drink-and-I’m-already-so-buzzed voice. Arden was the girl in high school who had one Bartles & Jaymes and was good for the night.

“Cuz she’s just so damn pretty,” Jake says in a fake cowboy voice.

“You really do look pretty,” Tommy says. “I really screwed up when I let you go in eighth grade, didn’t I?”

“You guys dated?” Abigail asks in a surprised voice.

“Oh, Abigail, you don’t want to know about all the love drama that went down over the years between the people at this table,” Kiki says, smiling at Tommy.

“Really? Well, even though it’s ancient history, I’m sure it’ll make me laugh so I think I do,” Abigail says, giving us all searching looks as if she’s trying to figure out who the guilty parties are.

“Okay, here we go, it’s like this,” tipsy Arden begins. “Everyone always thought Grace and Scotty had a thing because they were such good friends, but they never did until he kissed her once in college, but she had a boyfriend and that was the end of that,” she clinks glasses with me and then Scotty. “Grace and Tommy had a little love connection in seventh or eighth grade, I can’t remember which.”

“Eighth,” Tommy and I say in unison, laughing, and clinking glasses.

“Right, eighth,” Arden says. “But Tommy dumped her at a bar mitzvah because Eliza Jandry had promised him a blow job in the bathroom.”

“Doh!” Tommy says.

“Seriously?” I ask, turning to Tommy, my eyebrows raised.

“Guilty,” Tommy says, shrugging his shoulders.

“That little slut!” I say and clink glasses again with Tommy.

“This is getting good,” Abigail says.

“Then Kiki showed up at school, and she and Tommy were suddenly soul mates, making out all over school every day, and that lasted for a few years until they went to college and Kiki decided she didn’t want anything holding her back.”

Kiki and Tommy clink glasses.

“And Sara had that boring boyfriend Todd,” Arden says.

“Todd!” a few of us say.

“He
was
boring,” Sara says and laughs, clinking glasses with Abigail who is sitting right next to her and is a good enough stand-in for boring Todd.

“What about you Arden?” Abigail asks.

“Let’s just say I had a series of suitors throughout my adolescence, but didn’t find true love till I got to Berkeley. None of the boneheads at this table ever did it for me,” Arden says.

“To boneheads!” the guys all shout and toast each other.

“Well, then, that just leaves you, Jake,” Abigail says as we all turn to look at Jake.

“I wasted my high school years with a girl named Stephanie Campbell. She was nice, but I secretly lusted after our girl Gracie over here,” Jake says turning to me. I feel my face turn red instantly.

“Really?” Kiki asks, with a sly tone to her voice. “I never knew that! I knew everything! How did I not know
that
?”

My guard is down so I continue, “To be fair, I had a massive crush on our boy Jake over here for years. But it was heartbreakingly unrequited, and I never knew the feeling was mutual. Didn’t find out, actually, till our twentieth reunion last year.”

“Well, just think how different high school could have been for the two of you,” Tommy chimes in.

“Just think,” Jake says, looking at me and raising his glass to mine.

“To Jake and Grace!” Arden shouts.

“To Jake and Grace!” everyone at the table shouts, clinking glasses all around.

By this point I am laughing and blushing, and feeling just fine. Jake and I clink glasses, look into each other’s eyes, and finish off our drinks in a silent chugging pact. He kisses me on the cheek, and I feel like I’m going to vomit butterflies all over the table.

“Well, it’s all good and fun, but now you’re married, so I have to be a gentleman,” Jake says as he raises his arms over his head, lowering the right one across Scotty’s shoulders and the left one across mine. “Sorry, I just need to stretch my arms for a minute. It’s a little tight in this booth.”

“No problem. So why haven’t you ever found the perfect girl to marry?” I ask.

“Not for lack of trying,” Jake says laughing.

“What do you mean?”

“I feel like I’ve dated every single woman in L.A., including the Valley.” He raises one eyebrow and smiles. “I just haven’t found the one yet. Who knows, maybe I never will.”

“Well, maybe you’re better off,” I say.

“There you go again, referring to marriage negatively. What is going on?”

With the alcohol lowering my inhibitions, I open up and tell him the whole story about Darren. He is silent through the entire thing, supplying nods and “hmms” when appropriate. When I finish, he just stares at me. I realize I don’t regret telling him; I’m actually interested to hear what he has to say. But just then, the dinner arrives, and Scotty starts talking to Jake about a surfing trip they have planned for next week. I dig into the most delicious black cod and tiger prawns I’ve ever had and catch up with Kiki and Arden while trying to ignore Jake’s body pressing against my own.

There comes a point during dinner when I feel like I’ve stepped out of my body and am watching the scene from afar. I see happy, laughing, smiling people. An abundance of plates gleaming with delectable food. Gestures and expressions of love and friendship. It is the type of scene that I would normally walk by and be envious of. But here I am, right in the middle of it, one of the happy, laughing, smiling people, eating that delicious food, receiving those warm gestures of love and friendship. I am soaking it in. I am present for it. I am simply being.

Dinner passes with more rounds of drinks and more conversations about ski trips we all took, parties we all remember, the children we all were. Jake doesn’t mention the bombshell I dropped. At one point, he turns to me and for a second grasps my hands in his own and starts to tell me something, but stops. I sense that he is sad for me, but there are too many people around us and too much noise to know for sure.

Toward the end of dinner, I excuse myself to the bathroom. I feel like I’m floating through the restaurant. I’ve got a perfect buzz—the type where I’m still entirely aware of what I’m doing, but I have no fears, no shame, no inhibitions. The type of buzz that allows me to look in the mirror in the bathroom and see a really pretty, young, happy woman smiling back.

As I exit the bathroom, Jake is there waiting for me leaning against the wall.

“Grace, I need to talk to you,” he says.

“Okay,” I say, my smile fading.

He takes a deep breath and looks around to make sure we’re alone. “I’ve been thinking a lot about what you told me, and I think a man who disrespected you by cheating on you might not be the right man for you.”

“It’s all just very confusing. It’s not entirely black and white,” I say quietly.

“I realize that. I just want you to know I’m here for you if you need a friend. I care about you,” he says and a tiny laugh escapes.

“What’s so funny?” I ask.

“It’s just that it’s been a long time since I’ve cared for a woman. And somehow, I find myself really caring for you. I really should never have let you go in high school, Gracie. I think we could have been something together. I just needed a little extra time to grow up,” Jake says, reaching for my hands.

We stand there in the corridor near the bathrooms, holding hands, staring into each other’s eyes, completely deaf to the noise coming from the restaurant. I’m not thinking. I’m just being. I’ve surrendered. The commotion in my stomach swallows any words I would even think to say.

“I would be crazy to lose you twice,” he says, staring into my eyes. In one motion, he releases his right hand from mine and lifts it up to touch my cheek as he brings his left hand up to cradle the back of my head. And as he leans in and starts to bring his lips toward mine, my stomach clenches, and I close my eyes accepting what is about to happen.

His lips feel so soft as they press against mine. I feel my body surrender and my mind go blank as his lips slowly part and mine respond intuitively. It’s slow at first. Hesitant. Then he kisses me a little more deeply, more passionately. My body, my mouth, respond, searching for, finding, a connection. He leans more closely into me, and I feel us fit together tightly. I hear a tiny moan escape from Jake—or was that from me?—and suddenly I’m back on earth. Outside the bathroom. Kissing Jake.

“I can’t do this,” I hear a voice quite similar to mine say slowly. I look at Jake and rush back to the table, taking the seat next to Arden on the end.

My heart is pounding, and I try to process what just happened. I think about the time Cameron’s husband Jack told me he’d once been in a position to cheat at a medical conference, but that he was just sober enough to stay away. I realize that’s what happened to me tonight, kind of. I was just sober enough. But I did kiss him. But it was only for a few seconds. Does that even count? Am I just like Darren? True, I was just sober enough to stop. But I did let something happen.

When Jake returns a few minutes later, my side of the table stands up to let him back into the booth. He whispers, “Sorry” into my ear as he passes me and slides back to his seat. I stay next to Arden. I don’t want to go back to my seat and have to have any discussion with Jake about what just happened. Not now. Not here.

“I would like to make a toast,” I say, clinking Arden’s coffee spoon against her water glass. Dinner is winding down, and there are some things I want to say before another five or ten years go by. I’m a little shaken up by what just happened between Jake and me, but I continue. “I am so happy I was able to join you all here tonight to celebrate Scotty and Abigail. Scotty, we’ve been through so much together, through so many years. But I’ve never seen you so happy, and I know that’s because you’ve found true love with Abigail. I’m thrilled for the two of you that you get to embark on this new life, this new love, together. Marriage is not always easy, and we often do things that hurt the one we love the most. But it’s a point of always keeping, always trying to keep, the one you love in your mind when you do anything,” I look at Jake, “that allows you to honor your spouse and keep your marriage true. I know the two of you will have a very successful, very loving, very true marriage. I also want to thank you all for being such wonderful friends to me over the years. I’m gonna cry,” I say.