On My Knees (6 page)

She relented without a word and set a brisk pace back to the office. We wove past pedestrians, and with every step I hated the awkwardness between us more and more.
Fuck.
The way she’d looked at me moments ago—I knew that hurt look. I’d put it there the last time I’d seen her, and though she’d quickly masked it, she’d revealed it all the same.

A knot formed in my stomach as regret filled me. This wasn’t the reunion I’d hoped for, and it was going to be over all too soon. I couldn’t leave her like this again, believing that I’d hated her. Not knowing if she hated me too.

We were steps away from the revolving doors of the building entrance when she slowed and turned. Before she could say goodbye, I caught her arm and tugged her to the side, out of the way of the foot traffic.

“What are you doing?” A panicked look passed over her features.

I struggled for words. “Maya… I’m sorry.”

“Why?”

“I wasn’t expecting things to go this way. Can’t say it’s the first time that’s happened with you though.”

“Sorry I’m not what you expected.” She tightened her jaw, and it was there again—that look that made me want to cringe and apologize and make everything right that had been wrong between us for so long.

She turned to walk away and I pulled her back, close to my chest. She sucked in a sharp breath before her body softened in my arms. I brushed her cheek, remembering her skin. Soft, warming under my touch. “I want to kiss you.”

“What?” Her eyes went wide, her body suddenly stiff in my arms.

“I can’t explain it. I need to know if I’ll feel anything, kissing you.” I traced the bow of her mouth, the tremble in her lip mimicking the pounding rhythm of my heart. “Call it closure,” I whispered, lowering my mouth to hers.

“Stop,” she said a second before our lips met.

I opened my eyes when she pushed me back. Doubt clouded her expression but the motion was firm. I let her step away, creating more distance between us, too much distance.

Her normally porcelain complexion colored, a flush working its way up her cheeks. Was she embarrassed? Pissed? I couldn’t really tell. All I knew was that I wanted her as badly as I ever did—possibly more. I wanted to remember more, her smell, her taste. Harnessing my need took more than a little restraint. I wanted to touch her the way I used to, but I didn’t have that right. Not yet.

MAYA. I waited impatiently for the elevator. I briefly considered the stairs if they might burn off the surge of desire and epic confusion rocketing through me right now.

Sometimes I’d wondered if, after all this time, there could still be magic between us. Now I had little doubt. I was on fire, and he hadn’t even kissed me. I couldn’t bring myself to let him. I’d wanted him to, of course, but sitting through lunch pretending like he was just a blip in my history was nerve-racking enough. I couldn’t go down that road with him, not knowing if I could realistically survive the emotional aftermath of a failed fling with an ex. I was already a frazzled fucking mess.

“Hey, girl.”

Vanessa wedged beside me. “I called you about lunch.”

“Oh, you did?” I padded my pockets for my phone. “Sorry. I probably shut it off at work and then I got sidetracked.”

“Whatever. What’s up?”

“Not much,” I lied. I’d fill her in later, once I’d figured out what the hell had just happened between Cameron and me. “How’s work?”

“Oh, you know.” She kept her voice quiet as we piled into the elevators with a dozen others. “Yesterday was hell. I swear he knows when I’m worn out and runs me harder just to watch me suffer. I honestly think he gets off on it.”

He
was David Reilly, Vanessa’s boss. He was one of the big bosses, superior to Jia and any of the others on my floor. He took unique pleasure in making her life a living hell. She’d landed the job with little experience through a connection and refused to quit and have it reflect poorly on the person who’d gotten her the gig. If I didn’t care so much about keeping my own job, I would have given him a piece of my mind. But then who would I commiserate with?

“We still on for this weekend?” she asked.

“I’m pretty sure there’d have to be a zombie apocalypse to keep me from having drinks with you on a Saturday night. Consider it a running open invitation.”

She laughed and nudged me with her elbow. As we ascended, she caught a few errant tendrils of her auburn hair that had escaped from her clip and tucked them back away. The doors opened at my floor and I prepared to push through.

“Wish me luck,” she said.

“I would if I thought it’d do any good.”

“Touché.” She rolled her eyes.

I exited the elevator toward my own personal hell.

I made several unsuccessful attempts to focus on work, grateful that I’d had a productive morning. Thoughts of Cameron invaded every moment. I’d gotten off easy yesterday, having only his memory turning my world upside now. Now he was, in the flesh, which was far more disturbing. Whatever gorgeousness I’d remembered and imagined on lonely nights had been swiftly replaced by the vision of the man he’d become. I’d entertained half a dozen fantasies of rediscovering his body over lunch, and now my body was screaming for it.

Unfortunately nothing was simple about this craving. Cameron was more than a pretty face and what I imagined was an incredible body under his clothes. Cameron was a beacon of my past and so many emotions that I’d long buried. I wasn’t sure how I felt about revisiting all of that again.

Cameron… I swear, he looked at me like he still loved me, hypnotizing me with his cool blue eyes. And he touched me like he used to, tender, possessive.

No. That was impossible. He’d hurt me. He’d broken me in a way that no one ever had. I couldn’t reward him with a kiss, or a second chance.

MAYA. “Wake up.”

Eli nudged my shoulder, exacerbating the dull headache that surged upon waking. Vanessa and I had gone out for drinks after work to ring in the weekend. Too much champagne. Cheap champagne too, second only to boxed wine in the guaranteed terrible hangover department.

“Go to hell. It’s too early,” I groaned into my pillow, feebly shielding myself with another layer of blanket.

“It’s almost noon, Maya.”

I groaned again, a long sad moan that I hoped would inspire Eli to take pity on me.

“Come on. Get up. You’ve been bitching about going to the gym for weeks. I can’t take it anymore.
We are going
.”

I threw off the covers and glared at him. If he poked me one more time, I was going for blood. He reared back, hesitant, but determination glared in his eyes.

“Fine. Coffee first.”

“You want to put coffee on top of all that champagne you drank last night? How about some water?”

“I don’t care what the hell it is, as long as it buys me an extra fifteen minutes to wake up. Please go away.”

After a shower, I emerged from my bedroom. Eli shoved a warm cup of chamomile in front of me before I could start berating him again. I sulked into the couch. The warm tea was simultaneously easing my stomach and putting me back to sleep. Eli sat with me, and I debated telling him about my run-in with Cameron.

His eyes narrowed as if he were reading my mind. “You’re not telling me something.”

“How do you do that?”

“I told you.” He tapped his temple and grinned. “What’s up?”

“Cameron Bridge. That’s what’s up.”

“Shut up. You saw him? Last night?”

“No, at work the other day.”

He frowned. “Explain.”

“You could say we created a new memory.”

“Okay, that could be really bad or really, really good.”

I shook my head, unsure how to categorize our very unexpected and heated encounter. It couldn’t be only good or bad. Seeing him yesterday was in a confused category all its own. I ignored Eli’s question. He could decide after I told him about it.

“He found out where I worked from Olivia. When I left the office for lunch, he was downstairs waiting for me. Totally blindsided me but we had lunch, and… we talked.”

“What did you talk about?”

“Small talk mostly, but I mentioned something about closure that I think pissed him off, and somehow we ended up right where we left off. He basically implied that he couldn’t possibly imagine being married to me now.”

“Ouch.”

“Yeah. I didn’t really need to hear that.” The mere thought made me want to run back to bed and sleep until it didn’t hurt anymore. I would have if I’d had any faith that I would ever be rid of the pain that surrounded my relationship with Cameron. After yesterday, I was more convinced than ever that our breakup was a wound that simply wouldn’t heal, no matter how much time or distance we put between us.

“So he was a jerk, and then what? Did you just leave it like that?”

I finished my tea and set it on the table, not wanting to talk about what happened next.

“Spill it, Maya. For Christ’s sake. You’re killing me here.”

“He tried to kiss me.”

“Whoa. Okay,
tried
to kiss you?”

“I told him to stop, and he did. Then I left.”

“What?”

“I wasn’t going to let him kiss me out of nowhere. He walked out on me without a word five years ago, and I’m supposed to melt in his arms like a wilting fucking violet?”

“I don’t know.” Eli crossed his arms. “You might be right. Actually, yeah, fuck him. He doesn’t deserve you.”

“Or
don’t
fuck him,” I corrected.

He shrugged. “He may be a jerk, but he sounds like a hot jerk, and it’s never too late for breakup sex. One for the road, you know. Could be therapeutic.”

“I highly doubt it.” I rolled my eyes and hauled my ass off the sofa. Working out suddenly seemed better than spending another minute talking about Cameron. “Let’s do this.”

We headed out, and I was instantly freezing. Thankfully we weren’t trudging through snow, otherwise I would have definitely vetoed this excursion, again. After several blocks we were nearing the entrance of Cameron’s gym. I stopped short.

“Wait, I didn’t realize we were coming here.”

Eli frowned. “I’ve heard good things about it. It’s fairly new.”

“This is Cameron’s place.”

“What do you mean?”

“He owns this gym. Bridge Fitness… Cameron Bridge… Get it? I can’t go in there. What if he sees me?”

I was talking fast, the sudden prospect of seeing Cameron again so soon sending me into a mini meltdown. Eli rolled his eyes and hooked his arm in mine.

“Let’s go.”

I didn’t budge. “No,” I said through clenched teeth, in disbelief that he wasn’t sympathizing with me. “I told you, I’m not going in there.”

Eli pulled away and put his hands on his hips. “Maya Jacobs, grow up. We’ve braved five city blocks in the freezing cold.
Let’s go.
”

I shook my head again, and he left me in a huff, disappearing through the entrance.

My jaw dropped. I couldn’t believe he would ditch me like this when I was clearly freaking out. I yanked the braided strings of my winter hat down farther, hoping it would disguise me if I ran into Cameron. I took a deep breath and entered.

The gym was surprisingly inviting, with muted cool tones. Gyms freaked me out. Or maybe just the people who frequented them did. I always felt out of place, like everyone knew I had no idea what I was doing there. Today was no exception, but something about the place had an unusually calming effect. I scanned the reception area and the rooms I could see into. I released a sigh of relief that Cameron was nowhere in sight.

Eli was at the counter, getting details for the yoga class, when I joined him. He glanced back at me and took my hand in his. I followed him down the hall. We entered a spacious room with mirrored walls, light wood floors, and some new age soundscapes drifting over us from the surround sound. We grabbed mats and found two spaces. Eli strategically positioned himself next to another young guy, a blond slice of heaven who was chatting with him in no time. The only other spots open were in the very front. My anxiety immediately kicked in, but I couldn’t bail now.

I got situated and lay back on my mat, waiting for the class to start. Between being horizontal again and the music, I was nearly asleep again when the instructor spoke up, asking us to take a seated position. I rolled up, wishing I’d had an extra five minutes for a power nap.

The instructor introduced herself. Raina was a petite girl about my age, thin and toned with pixie cut brown hair. She pretzeled her legs into a comfortable lotus. I looked down at my crossed legs.
No. That won’t be happening.

The rest of the class went better than expected. Raina had realistic expectations and gave us enough options so no one felt left out. I left the class both exhausted and rejuvenated. I waited for Eli to finish chatting with his new friend, and we walked out together. Still no sign of Cameron, but I pulled on my hat just in case.

“So that was good,” I said, my voice markedly peppier than it had been an hour ago.

Eli cocked his head. “See, aren’t you glad you came? You were being such a baby about seeing Cameron, I thought I was going to have drag you in there.”

“Maya?”

I jumped back at the sound. Cameron emerged through an adjacent doorway. In front of us now, in a gym T-shirt and mesh shorts, he was impossible to ignore. I gave him an involuntary once over, swallowing hard.

“Hi,” I mumbled.

A broad smile crept over Eli’s face as he held out his hand. “I’m Eli, Maya’s roommate.”

“It’s a pleasure.” Cameron shook Eli’s hand. “You guys come to work out, or…?”

“Yoga,” I replied.

He cocked an eyebrow. “You always wear a hat to yoga?”

I frowned and pulled it off, my hair instantly going in every direction from the static. I nervously tried to tame it when Cameron continued.

“Let me give you guys a tour. I could even do a quick training session if you’re interested. I don’t have an appointment for another thirty minutes.”

“Awesome. I’ll leave you two to it. I think I see someone I know at the treadmills.” Eli winked at me and waved goodbye.

I followed his retreat with a glare, my zen waning at a rapid rate.