On The Floor (Second Story) (34 page)

“I wish you were here right now to hold me and curse him to hell when I tell you what he just did to me. And I want you to hug me harder when I tell you that I still love him. So much..." I take a sharp inhale of air and try to keep my sobbing to a minimum. I've had too much of that over the last 24 hours. Too many tears. "I just want you to know. I hope you do. I love you always, Mommy..." I say before standing up and wiping my eyes. I brush off my jeans and walk back over to my family.

Monica heads over to have her time and Dad gives me a big hug. "I miss her too, sweetie..." he says, kissing the top of my head.

When Monica comes back over, I give her a hug and we all pile into the car and head to our family therapy session.

***

It's Saturday morning and the plan was for me to head home today, but I decide to stay the extra day and head back to school on Sunday evening. Our therapy session went well yesterday. It is still surprising to see how well my dad has been. He talks easily to Dr. Green. No break downs. No shut downs.

Well, except on my part. I am a complete emotional mess. And now my entire family knows it. They all just assume it has everything to do with my mom. They know how the pain, the loss, hits you sometimes out of nowhere. And don’t get me wrong, some of my sadness is about my mom, but a lot of it has to do with Jake.

Sitting around all day without being able to text Jenna about everything has been torture. I need her to reassure me. It really is pathetic how attached I have gotten to the constant ability to communicate with her. After half a day without communication, I text her from Monica's number, letting her know that she can text me here if she needs to. And she did a few minutes ago.

Jenna:
Nate keeps calling me. He sent me a text saying he was coming over since I haven't responded since Thursday. Sooooo... I'm headed to my parents. I am now an avoider... I know. Totally not my style. But desperate times.

Rachel:
Eeek. And you're sure you don't want to talk to him to see if he can explain why he told you one thing, but did another...?

Jenna:
Um. No. I’m over it. Too much hassle. I just need a day to build my courage so I can tell him. This is going to be harder than any of my actual break-ups. Fucking feelings...

Rachel:
Sorry :( I love you

Jenna:
Love you too. See you soon...

"What was that about?" Monica asks when I give her the phone back.

"Jenna is driving to her parents. She needs some time away from a situation with a guy," I say in response.

"Like you?" she asks hesitantly.

"Huh?" I ask playing clueless.

"I mean, you haven't mentioned Jake once this weekend, or called him. I guess I just thought that maybe there was something that happened," she says shrugging. "Plus you’ve been really sad. Like
really
extra sad."

"How did you get to be so perceptive?" I ask with a sad smile on my face.

"You know. I told you I broke up with my boyfriend a few weeks ago. I know the signs."

I chuckle at the way she says that so seriously. "I love you, Mon."

"I love you too, Rach."

"Hey!" I exclaim. "Since Jenna is coming home, do you want to do a girl's night? We can get dressed up and go to dinner. Or we can just sit in our pajamas and watch movies all night."

Monica gives me a big smile. "Sure!"

Hopefully this night will be a distraction from the fact that I have to leave to go back to school tomorrow.

***

Jenna and Monica both think that going out would not be that good of an idea since I have alternately been falling into quiet tears or mumbling angry rants about Jake. And I thought I was hiding it so well...

So instead, we stay in and do the slumber party thing. We paint toes, eat junk food and sweets, and watch movies. The movie selection is strictly limited to comedies with limited romance. And I try to have fun. I really, really do. But I can't seem to enjoy anything. I think that is a side effect of heartbreak.

But at least I am doing a good job of faking it.

"You can't let Jake see you like this. He can't know how much he broke you," Jenna says when the credits start rolling on our third movie.

Well, I
thought
I was doing a good job feigning happiness. "I am trying to hide it right now. And you can see how well I am doing with that. How am I supposed to hide it when he is right in front of me? I need more time to recover."

"Hmmm..." Jenna says thinking about solutions to my dilemma. "Well, you could stay with me, but Nate has been bugging me there, according to the texts from Jimmy. So... Oh! Jims! We could both stay with him. Although he is right across the hall from me, so there wouldn't be that much distance."

"What about Dan? Do you think he would let us stay with him?" I ask Jenna since she is closer with Jimmy and Dan than I am.

"That's a great idea. Jake and Nate don't know where Dan's room is. Let me text him..." Jenna says grabbing her phone. "Ugh!
We need to talk. What is going on
? Delete. Delete. Get a clue Nate! Anyways..." Jenna says as she deletes what I'm assuming are two texts from Nate. But I can see the hurt in her eyes.

"Jenna..." I start, but she interrupts me.

"Dan says that's fine for a night or two. But I guess we can't ignore them forever. Unfortunately. Plus it's not really my style."

"Well, avoidance is certainly
my
style. Maybe Jake will just avoid me too..." I wonder out loud.

"If he does, then he's a bigger ass than I thought, even after that thing with that bitch."

Monica is looking back and forth between me and Jenna, her head pivoting as each one of us talks. She clears her throat a little and we both turn to look at her.

"Um.., I know I don't really know what happened with those guys of yours, but wouldn't you just rather get the conversations over with. Putting it off is only going to make it more awkward when it does happen. Just do it when you get back tomorrow," she says before looking down at her hands. "I mean, that's just my opinion."

After a brief moment of silence Jenna says, "She's right. I should talk to Nate and you should talk to Jake right when we get back. That way we don't have to hide away or avoid them. I mean, freaking seriously! They were the ones in the wrong! Why are we the ones who are hiding? They should be ashamed of the way they treated us. And we should be the ones to tell them!" she exclaims raising her arm in the air like some sort of battle cry.

"We are women, hear us roar?" I reply with a small smile on my face.

"Damn fucking straight!" she affirms. "Oops, sorry for the language, Mon."

"Seriously?" Monica responds screwing up her face. "I'm in high school. I've heard way worse." There is a beat of silence before Jenna and I both start laughing at how offended Monica is. And soon Monica is laughing with us.

I hope Jenna talks to Nate right away. It really isn't like her to avoid something like this. It will make me feel much better about the situation if she is acting more like herself. But for me, I think I might need a few more days before I deal with this. I mean, would it really be different from how I've dealt with my relationship with Jake from the beginning.

We started after months of avoidance, maybe we should officially end after a week or so more of it.

***

We all fall asleep on my dad's living room floor and I have a restless night of sleep. But not because I am sleeping on a floor. I keep imagining all the possible interactions between me and Jake when I finally see him. We
will
have to see each other eventually. We live on the same floor across the hall from each other, and we work together. And I'm starting to remember the reasons why I didn't push harder for something with Jake in the beginning.

In one imagined scenario he pleads for forgiveness on his knees, begging for me to take him back after the most monumental mistake of his life while I look down at him with contempt and distrust. In another, he laughs in my face as I cry about how he told me he loved me while he was sleeping with Natalie the whole time we were together. One of the scenarios has him crying about how Natalie is pregnant with his child and he has to be with her so he can be a good dad. (That one is a little crazy.)

And in the one that breaks my heart completely, he tells me that he loves me, but that is just not enough. He doesn't apologize, or cry, or even look sorry. He just looks at me with a blank face like he is just as broken as I am.

Honestly, I am really hoping that I can avoid him for a few days. I know that it might not be the best way to deal with this, but everything that happened this last weekend was just too much. His grandma's stroke, the anniversary of my mom's death, and my relationship with Jake falling apart. And I think that the overwhelming amount of emotions that I have experienced concerning all the events of the weekend are just too much.

In fact, the way I woke up feeling this morning has confirmed that.

I feel defeated.

I feel overwhelmed.

I feel... numb.

I have felt so much and I have felt it so deeply that my mind has shut myself off to feel anything else. I went through something similar after my parents told me about my mom's diagnosis that afternoon. I felt so sad, so lost, so devastated and then I just shut down. I completely closed myself off to feel anything. I would count to three, breathe, and move on. I went through the motions. I was the rock that my family needed, but while Dad was losing his sanity, I had lost my entire self. I was a robot. Going about my life and physically present in the world, but not really living. Not
really
present.

When Jenna wakes up that morning, she heads back to her parents. She's also going to drive back to school later today since we both have classes on Monday. When Monica wakes up, she moves up to her bedroom to sleep longer. When my dad wakes up he goes to the kitchen to make breakfast for us. When Chad wakes up he packs his car and heads back to San Diego because he has to be back on base by early afternoon. And me?

I don't actually completely wake up. I just start to go through the motions.

Sleepwalking through the day because to fully wake up and experience life right now is just too trying.

I spend the day with my dad helping him sand some of the new furniture he is working on out in the garage. We spend most of the day not talking and I could not be more thankful. I don't think I could muster up enough energy to have any sort of real conversation.

When it's time for me to leave and drive back to school, I say goodbye to Dad and Monica and load my small bag into my car. I give them an empty smile as I climb into my seat and wave. I can see the concern on both of their faces. Monica knows a little about what has been going on since she spent the night with Jenna and I. Dad must just assume my melancholy mood has to do with Mom because he taps his eye, then his heart, then points at me. It's something my Mom used to do.

When Chad got into junior high, he got embarrassed when Mom said 'I love you' to him in front of other people. So instead of saying it, she started doing this as a sign for it. It still embarrassed him, but it became a family thing. My family would do it in the stands at the football games when Chad would look our way. We would do it in the bleachers of Monica's softball games. And they would do it for me after I finished performing. I would look down into the audience, always the front row, and they would all be standing and telling me in our own what that they loved me.

I wipe a tear from my eye and smile sadly at my dad.

He squeezes Monica closer to his side and they both wave goodbye to me as I drive down the street and back to school.

The drive home is long. Well, it is actually fairly quick due to the lack of traffic. But it
feels
long. It is just me and my thoughts. I try to use the radio to silence everything in my mind, but it doesn't work. I don't cry and I don't get mad when I think about what awaits me when I get back to the dorm.

I just can't stop thinking.

I pull my car into a spot in the parking lot in front of the residence hall.

In this moment, the thought of being so close to Jake has me flooded with emotions. They start to attack my heart, chipping away at what little is left whole. They remind me of what Jake did, how he hurt me. How he destroyed me. They start to worm their way in to my mind, taking me out the blissful state of numbness I found when I woke up this morning. But they leave my soul alone. This is worse than anything, because my soul is still attached to Jake’s.

But I know the way back to numbness.

I breathe.

One. Two. Three.

I close my eyes.

And I'm at the beach.

Chapter 26

I left my dad's earlier than I planned, so I arrive back at school mid-afternoon instead of in the evening. After about ten minutes of mental preparation, I get out of the car and grab my bag. I've cleared my mind and now I am ready to head up to my room. I'm hoping that I don't run into Jake, but I am in the right state of mind if I do.

I climb the stairs to my floor and enter the hall. It's a Sunday afternoon, so it's normally pretty busy and loud, but I don't hear much noise. I walk to my room quickly hoping that I don't run into anyone. As I start to unlock my door, I hear a voice from down the hall.

My heart starts to speed when I recognize that it is Jake, but he sounds different. Rough. Tired. I can't make out what he is saying, but soon after he starts talking I hear many other voices start to chime in.

The floor meeting. I forgot we had a floor meeting today. I haven't missed one since I started as the RA. I can't believe I just forgot...

I start to hear voices moving down the hall towards the corner where my room is as I stand there. The meeting must have ended. I finish unlocking my door and rush inside closing it quietly so the people who were coming down the hall don't hear me.