On the Plus Side (19 page)

I softly kissed her finger-tip when it stopped on my lips.

Then a thought hit me. This would all be over soon. I’d have to leave her.  What was I thinking? There was no way in Hell I’d ever tell her the truth. It was cruel and unneeded. I’d do the honorable thing and just walk away. I’d end it as soon as I could and I’d walk away and never look back.

I was a horrible person. I did it all for money and it bit me in the ass. I was falling in love with her. Karma was having her way with me, whips and chains style without a safe word, and I could do nothing to stop her.

Lilly deserved a good person. She deserved someone who loved her because she was the most wonderful woman in the world, inside and out, not some broke mechanic who accidentally fell in love with her because he was being paid to date her. I knew what would come in the next couple of weeks, and it was probably a good idea for me to start preparing to mentally back away. It would be easier for both of us if I did that.

“What did I do to deserve you?” she sighed.

Exactly! What had she done to deserve me? She didn’t deserve me—a horrible person who worries more about himself than anyone else.  Well, that wasn’t entirely true—I was doing it for dad and Jenny. More for them than for me, but still, it didn’t excuse the fact that I let this poor girl fall for me. Leaving her behind was going to hurt like a bitch. She deserved better, period.

She leaned up and kissed me sweetly. The more and more we did this, the harder it was for me to leave. I’d come over to her house or she’d come to mine, we’d get close to having sex, and I’d either take her home or I’d leave. It wasn’t right, but I couldn’t help it. The time I had with her was so precious to me and her touch felt so damn good.

After all the women I’d been with, this girl could touch me and bring me to my knees every time. Her skin was so soft, she was so soft. It wasn’t like being with Renee or any of the other skanks. Lilly was caring and gentle in everything she did. She touched me like she loved me, and for a boy whose mother walked out on him, a boy who hadn’t felt worthy of any form of love, it was huge for me. Having to resist that time and time again was breaking me down.

I kissed her back, pulling soft moans from her. She tugged me closer and I thought I was going to catch on fire when she put her hand up my shirt and began to rub my stomach up and down. Lower and lower, closer and closer to the top of my jeans. I assumed she was a virgin, but she knew what the hell she was doing and it made me wonder.

“You make me so crazy,” she murmured in my ear. “Everything about you makes me so…”

She cut off and starting kissing me again. OK, so this time she was sweet talking me, too. It was definitely going to be hard to walk away this time. I just kissed her back, deep down praying to God that I could refrain this time around. I always prayed when we got to this point.

When I didn’t think it could get much worse for me, she grabbed my hand and forced it up her shirt and pressed my palm against her hard nipple. I was so totally wrong about it getting worse.

“I want you, Devin,” she whispered in my ear.

I sat up quickly and snatched my hand back like a rattle snake was nestled inside her shirt.

Why did she have to say things like that to me? I pulled her shirt down and then mine while lying back beside her.

“I think I should probably just go home, Lil. Dad’s got tons of work for me to do tomorrow and I’m gonna to need to be there early,” I said quickly, stumbling through all the words. “You gonna walk me to the door?” I tried to act unaffected.

Holy shit I was affected; about to cum in pants affected, which is just crazy because all I did was touch her tit like some fourteen-year-old copping a feel.

“Don’t leave me, please,” she whispered. “You always leave when we get to this part and I…I just don’t think I can…”She stopped.

“What?” I asked.

“I don’t think I can stand another night alone in this bed, especially with you on my mind. You always leave me like this and I can’t do it anymore, Devin. You’re making me crazy, mentally and
especially
physically. I just need to know, is there a reason you keep stopping this? Is it me?” I watched her throat work up and down as she swallowed hard. “I know I’m not a skinny girl and I promise to be understanding. Just tell me the truth, are you not attracted to me sexually? I can take it, you know. I’d prefer the honesty.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. She thought I didn’t want her. She thought I wasn’t attracted to her. She had no idea of the list of sexual things my body begged me to do to her.

How do you tell the woman who haunts your dreams every night that you can’t have sex with her, ever? No matter how much I fantasized about it, no matter how badly I wanted to rip her clothes off and bury myself deep inside of her, I couldn’t.  I wanted to connect my body with hers in a way that only the deepest parts of my soul could understand.  I was in agony, and it fucking sucked.

How do I tell her that the reason I won’t have her is because it would be wrong? It was wrong because the whole relationship started out as a lie. Technically, it still was a lie. Even though over the last couple of weeks Lilly had beat down every metaphorical wall I had and was now wrapped tightly around my heart, I was still taking her mother’s money. I was still lying to her.

There’s no way she’d ever understand how I felt. She’d never do this to another person. Her heart’s too good for mine. She’s too good for me.

“I guess I just got my answer,” she said.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“I asked you if it was me and you didn’t say anything,” she sighed loudly. “Go ahead and go, I won’t be upset, I promise.”

She turned her back to me and curled up on her side like she was about to go to sleep.

“Please make sure and lock the door before you leave.”

I was making her unhappy, and I hated it. I kept screwing things up so bad. Maybe that was why my mom left me. Maybe I was too fucked up for her to love me, just like I’m too fucked up for Lilly.

Fucked up or not, I refused to give in. I refused to take her first time away from her like that. It should be special and not with a man who’s being paid to be near her.

Leaving her that way was probably the hardest thing I’d ever had to do, but I’d never be able to tell her that. As much as I wanted to be completely honest with Lilly, she could never know how this all started.

It’s not that she wouldn’t understand
, it’s more than that. I know that if she ever found out, it would kill her. To find out that her mother plotted behind her back, to find out that I would’ve never noticed her had it not been for her mother’s money, and knowing how much she despised money, I don’t think she’d ever be the same. I never want to hurt her that bad.

I slipped closer behind her, spooning her and taking in all her warmth. I just wanted to hold her for a minute before I left. Every time I leave her it always feels like it’s the last time I’ll ever see her. Deep down I know it’s the guilt.

She pressed her ass against me and then started to grind against my crotch.

“You can’t keep doing that,” I whispered hoarsely in her ear.

That must have done something to her because before I knew it, she had rolled over to face me and was reaching down the front of my pants grabbing and stroking me. Like a girl freaking out on a handsy guy, I grabbed her arm and tried to pull her hand away from my cock.

“Holy shit, Lilly, you have to stop,” I practically yelled. “I need to go…oh shit...I need to go.” Her hand felt so good.

“No!” She growled though her teeth as she rolled me onto my back and straddled me. I love it when a girl takes charge and having Lilly do it was fucking hot. 

“Tell me you don’t want this, Devin. I want to hear you say you don’t want me. Say it, and I promise I’ll never touch you again.”

She began to move back and forth like a pro. The friction was too much to bear.

“I can’t…I don’t…” The words were stuck in my throat. Nothing I wanted to say would come out.

“I can feel that you want me,” she said as she pressed her body down against my hardness. “Just tell me that you don’t want this and I’ll walk away right now.”

There was something different in her voice. There was some sound I’d never heard before. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but it was definitely different. I reached up with both hands to touch her face. The wetness beneath my fingers told me exactly why she sounded so different.

“Are you crying?” I asked. My heart stopped and all the blood left my brain.

“I don’t cry.” She swiped roughly at her face. “You know that better than anyone…you know
me
better than anyone,” she whispered. “Devin, you need to leave. I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m tired of trying. No matter how close I think I’m getting to you, you just seem to keep pulling away from me, so before what I feel gets any worse, maybe we should stop hanging out so much.”

Panic slammed into my chest and not because of the money. The thought of not being around her suddenly made me sick to my stomach.

“What? Why? I’m sorry, baby. I just…I want to be around you,” I said in a rush.

“I’m just trying to save myself,” she sniffled.

“Exactly! That’s what I’m trying to do, too. You just make it so hard for me to…”

She sighed in frustration. “No, that’s not what I mean. I’m trying to save myself, but not the way you think.”

“I don’t understand. Am I doing something that’s hurting you?” I swallowed hard.

If only she knew.

“No, well, kind of.” The room became quiet. The sound of our heavy breaths filled air. “I think…I think I’m in love with you, Devin.”

Everything stopped, my chest felt heavy. I couldn’t breathe. Why couldn’t I breathe? This was the part where I should get up and run for my life, but I couldn’t move. She said the words that a man like me dreaded. She meant them too, I could tell.

Renee once told me she loved me during sex, but when Lilly said those words it gave me a physical reaction. It literally felt like my heart was trying to burst out my chest, like it was trying to return to its rightful owner…Lilly.

“I shouldn’t have said that. The last thing I want to do is scare you off.” She started to try and take it back immediately.

No way in Hell was I letting her take it back. Not when it soothed every painful experience I’d ever had in my life.

I covered her mouth with mine; kissing her like I never had before. She loved me. Me. The horrible, lying, no good, son of a bitch that I was, and she loved me. God knows I didn’t deserve that love, but I needed it.

I wrapped my arms around her and turned her onto her back, positioning her beneath me. I pulled my mouth from hers and starting kissing her neck. She moaned a deep, husky whimper and I gave in completely.

Her announcing her feelings for me did something to me. I don’t know what, but I couldn’t stop myself. I didn’t want to fight it anymore.

From this moment on things would be different. I’d be tortured and pulled in two different directions. I had my family to get this money for and then I had Lilly, who I never wanted to hurt. No matter what decision I was going to make someone I cared about was going to get hurt. I was fucked no matter what I did.

Her hands were everywhere. She was touching my face, running her hands down my chest or up my back. It was driving me mad, but I knew I had to take it slow. No matter how bad I wanted to rip her clothes off and screw her brains out, I knew I had to go slow. Lilly had never said that she was a virgin, but I kind of assumed she was. The thought of being the first to claim her made me grow harder.

“I want you so bad. Are you sure you wanna do this?” I asked.

I wanted to give her another chance to back out of it. Lord knows I was beyond stopping myself at this point. I helped her as she peeled my shirt off me before she started to kiss my neck and shoulders.

“I’ve never been more sure about anything in my life.”

I moved to the side of the bed and turned on the small table lamp. I wanted to be able to see everything; every facial expression and every moan. I wanted to see all of her skin. I moved back on top of her and started to unbutton her shirt. She went completely tense and that’s when I noticed the scared expression she was wearing.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“Do we have to have the light on? I don’t really feel comfortable…I don’t want you to see me naked,” she finally blurted out.

I smiled. She was worried about me seeing her naked. She thought I wasn’t going to like what I saw. Well, it was too late for that. I’d already felt her against my body so many times that I could picture her naked and I knew I was going to love every single part of her.

“I
wanna see you, baby. Please, let me see you,” I kissed her softly.

“But…”

“No buts,” I whispered. “You’re beautiful. I should’ve told you that a million times already, because it’s the truth. I wanna kiss you.” I kissed her lips. “And lick you.” I licked her lips. “All over your body and I can’t do that unless you’re lying in front of me completely naked.”

The thought of her lying in front of me naked like some kind of perfect sacrifice that I didn’t deserve made my cock swell harder.