(Once) Again (9 page)

Tears welled in her eyes. Emotions ran across her face. She backed up into the counter. “I can’t do this. Not right now. I can’t.”

She grabbed her bag and ran out the door, abandoning me.

Even when I tried to make things right, I still fucked them up.

I spent five hours staring at the cell phone on the island in my kitchen. Five hours. It took me that long to realize Kat wasn’t coming back for it. An hour after that, I called Zach to see if he was in town, visiting his grandma.

The whole not-being-able-to-drive thing was a real pain in the ass. Luckily, Zach had no afternoon classes and picked me up after he stopped by the nursing home.

“Where we heading?” he asked, handing me my crutches as I settled into the passenger seat.

“Kat’s. She’s on the other side of town, on Spruce.”

He raised a dark eyebrow. “She knows you’re coming?”

“What do you think?”

Zach shook his head and laughed. “Does it matter what I think?”

“Right now? No.”

“Then let’s get out of here.”

Zach hopped into the driver’s seat and we took off. “How’s therapy going?” he asked when he turned onto the main road.

“I was able to take a few steps the other day.”

“Get out! That’s really great. Pretty soon you’ll be back out on the baseball field.”

I nodded. It was a nice thought, but I didn’t think I’d ever be able to run the bases again, let alone catch line drives and make double plays.

Talking about the things I was never going to do again was depressing. I had enough on my mind. I didn’t need that weighing me down too. So I changed the subject to something Zach liked to talk about. “How’s my sister?”

“Busy planning a community beach clean-up day. She’s driving herself crazy, making posters and flyers.”

“So that’s why she hasn’t been up my ass.”

“It’s been taking up most of her time. But she’s only a pain because she’s worried.” Zach shrugged. “We all are.”

“Nothing to be worried about. I’m fine.” And once I got to Kat and fixed things, I’d be one step closer to getting my life back. At least I hoped I would.

“You keep saying you are, but I know you. I’ve known you for years. If you don’t want to tell Lizzie, I get that. But this is me.”

“You’ve always been a great friend. You’re my bro. I wish I could talk about it. I just can’t. Not yet. I know I keep saying that, but just trust me on this one.”

“I trust you. Doesn’t mean I’m going to stop worrying.”

“My sister’s rubbing off on you.”

“Who knew personality was sexually transmitted?”

I punched him in the shoulder. Hard. “Dude!”

Zach rubbed his shoulder and laughed.

I scrunched my nose. “That’s my sister.”

Zach shook his head. “Still funny as hell.”

He turned onto Spruce, and I pointed down the road to Kat’s. “Third house on the left.”

I had been to her house twice before, but never inside. The first time was the day she told me her mom had cancer. I wouldn’t let her drive home. She was a mess, and I was mad enough at her for thinking she was capable of driving to work. We’d gotten the tattoos, Kat first and me after. We held hands the entire time. She didn’t even flinch when the needle touched her skin. Afterwards we went back to the beach and made love until the late hours of the night. I wanted to stay there till morning, but Kat was worried about her brother being alone. So though I wanted that night to go until dawn, I relented and l let her go. I climbed back into the cab and drove her home.

The second time was six months after I’d left for school. I had tried to move on when every call I made went right to her voicemail and every message I left went unreturned. But one Sunday, driving back to school after a weekend trip home to see my parents, I had this strong urge to see her.

I took an unexpected detour, telling myself if she wasn’t home it was a sign. When I pulled up, the first thing I noticed was the absence of a car in the driveway. A pit landed in my stomach and it was far worse than any game loss. I was about to drive away when a shimmer of light caught my eye. It was on the far left side of the house. It was coming from Kat’s room. I remembered all those late nights we sat on the phone and she assured me no one would hear her because her room was set away from the rest of her family.

I knocked and knocked and knocked. Even walked around to her window and tossed a few pebbles. Just like all my voicemails, the door went unanswered.

I dragged my thoughts back to the present as Zach slowed in front of Kat’s. Even in the dark, I could see the paint chipped on the shutters and the shingle missing by the door.

“Is this it?” Zach asked as he placed the Jeep in park.

“This is it.”

“It’s kind of dark. Do you think she’s home?”

With my luck she was out with Darren, doing things I didn’t want to think about. What was I supposed to do? Sit on her front stoop and wait for her to get home? Yes, that was exactly what I was going to do. I wasn’t driving away this time—or at least I wasn’t going to let Zach drive me away.

“There’s only one way to find out,” I said.

Zach lounged back in his seat. “I’ll wait here.”

“Not necessary. If she’s not here, I’ll wait.”

“Are you sure? You can talk to her tomorrow.”

“No. I need to talk to her now.”

Zach nodded and smiled. “I understand, alright. Call me if you need a ride.”

“Thanks for everything, Zach.”

“You don’t thank family.” He smirked and looked over my shoulder. “Good luck. Looks like you’re going to need it.”

I positioned my crutches under me and turned to find Kat and lover boy under the dim porch light.

“Fuck.”

“It’s not too late to get back in.”

I looked back at Kat and Darren then again at Zach. “I have to do this.”

“Okay, I’m pulling away, but if he hits you, call me. I’ll drop him faster than I did that piece of shit Joe.”

I leaned back into the truck and gave Zach a fist pound. “Thanks, bro.”

I took a deep breath and turned back around. Kat stood on the porch, hands on her hips, eyes glaring at me. Darren stood beside her, his hand protectively on her shoulder, and I wanted to snap it off. I was turning into a possessive douchebag and I knew it, but I couldn’t shut it off.

It was now or never. Probably going to get my ass kicked, no time to call Zach back, but I had no choice. I needed her to hear me. Not walk out. To actually look me in the eye and listen to everything I had to say.

“Josh, what are you doing here?”

I reached into my pocket and pulled out her cell. “You left this at my house. Thought you’d want it.”

She looked to Darren and then walked down the steps, holding her hand out to me. I placed the phone in her palm and when our fingers slid against each other, my filter was lost.

“Look, I know you have lover boy over there, but can he really love you the way I can?” Kat stumbled back, but I wouldn’t let her go any farther. I moved closer. “I doubt it, because I’ve loved you from the minute you first blew me off that summer.”

She stared at me with her big blue eyes and chewed on her bottom lip. I wanted to reach out and run my finger across her mouth, stop her nervous habit because she had nothing to be nervous about. Her gaze dropped. “I told you. I can’t do this.” Kat pivoted before the last word was even out. She was running from me again, and I went to go after her, but she slammed right into Darren.

He looked at me over her head while he held her shoulders, whispered in her ear and turned her back to me. “You two should talk.”

I bit my tongue, wanting so desperately to tell him to get his hands off her, but I was the one who just shown up on his girlfriend’s doorstep confessing my love, and he hadn’t hit me. The least I could do was return the favor.

Kat glanced up to the sky for several moments. Darren kissed her cheek, and my stomach dropped, blood burning with regret for what I’d stupidly given up, and my hands balled into fists.

“Call me later,” Darren said to Kat. He walked away and stopped in front of me. “A few things. First, you can unclench your fists. Second, you do anything to hurt her, and I will hunt you down. Third, she needs someone she can trust and count on. If you’re not up for that, then walk away right now.”

I didn’t move. I stood my ground. I was ready to give Kat all of that and more. But what I didn’t understand was why this guy wasn’t bashing my face in.

“Good,” he said when I didn’t walk away.

“Anything else?” I asked.

“I’m gay.”

Darren patted my back and walked away, my brain still stuck on his confession. He was gay? He was gay. I didn’t see that one coming, but it was one less hurdle I had to deal with.

I hitched my thumb over my shoulder, but still couldn’t seem to form words.

“Yes, he’s gay. He’s my best friend. Not my boyfriend.”

“But he’s like a guy’s guy.”

“Really, Josh? How stereotypical. What, do you want him to wear heels and fake eyelashes? He’s not a drag queen for crying out loud.”

“I’m sorry. I just didn’t expect that.”

Darren’s car lights backed away from us and when they were out of sight, I took Kat’s hand in mine and limped towards her. She stepped back and tried to break my hold. “Please don’t run away again,” I said.

She blinked up at me. “You don’t want me.”

“How can you say that? I’ve never wanted anything more in my life.”

“I’m damaged goods.”

I glanced down at my leg and back to her. “And I’m not?” Enough was enough with dodging the truth and running away from our realities. She was the only girl who could make me drop to my knees and beg. And I would. I reached out and cupped her cheek. “Talk to me. Please.”

“It’s a long story.”

“Good. I have no plans of leaving anytime soon.”

Kat eased the door open and held it for me. I moved around her and for the first time ever, stepped into her home. The living room was dimly lit by a small table lamp in the corner. Beside it was a picture frame with a photo of Kat and what I assumed was her family. She couldn’t have been older than six in the picture, and I didn’t ask, but I guessed it was the last picture she had with her dad before he’d passed away.

I wondered about the six people who died in the halls that day, if their families still had pictures of them on tables. I wouldn’t want the reminder. The pain of knowing you could only see them in a moment frozen in time. I’d rather just not see them at all.

The couch looked like it had seen better days. There was a tear on the far left and a spring sticking out of the back of the cushion. Next to the lamp was a stack of mail, and from the past due stamped on the top envelope it was obvious it was mostly bills.

“I wasn’t expecting company. I would’ve cleaned up.” She grabbed a bunch of word search puzzles laid out on the coffee table and placed them in a neat pile in the middle.

The house wasn’t dirty, just dated. The scent of Pine Sol lingered in the air, so she had to have just mopped the floors.

“Darren was here,” I said.

She balled her hair on top of her head. “He’s not exactly company anymore.”

And even though I now knew Darren was gay, I still couldn’t help being jealous that he was a permanent fixture in her life.

“Besides, it’s not even messy in here. Smells clean as hell. You’ve been in my bedroom. Now that’s messy.”

“My mom was a stickler for cleanliness. Even when the house was spotless she thought it was a mess. I guess I’m more like her than I realize.”

She glanced at the picture on the table and I could see her retreating back into her shell. I took her hand in mine and smiled.

“You definitely got your looks from her. You never told me your mom was hot.” Probably the most inappropriate thing I could say, but I needed to add light to the dark hole we were getting sucked into.

Kat smiled back. “She was. Even when she lost her hair she was still beautiful.”

I looked at the picture and then back at her. “You have her eyes.”

“Do you want a drink? I have beer. Darren likes one every now and again,” she said, changing the subject.

I didn’t call her out on it. Instead, I fell into the misshaped cushions of the couch and said, “I better not with all the pills I’m on. But a water would be great.”

She disappeared into the hallway and I rearranged myself so I was sitting more comfortably.

I scanned the room, wondering how much of it was Kat’s mom’s influence and how much was Kat’s. Other than the stack of word searches on the coffee table, nothing screamed Kat.

My eye caught on a piece of gold sticking out from a shelf underneath the coffee table. I reached down and pulled out a brown leather photo album with gold corners.

There was no picture in the slot on the cover, but by its weight I could tell it wasn’t blank on the inside. I opened it and shock smacked me straight across the face.

The pages were thick cream-colored paper with collages of stickers and wrappers and tickets surrounded by quotes and sayings placed beautifully on the page. I turned to the next page to find more. I knew Kat scrapbooked. She always saved things to put in her books, but what I hadn’t realized was that she was making a scrapbook of us.

Every memory, every adventure we’d had was documented between the leather binding. I dragged my finger along the tickets to one of the greatest concerts of my life. I had saved all summer to buy them. Trying to convince Kat to travel two states over for an entire weekend was a whole other story, but in the end she agreed.

An entire weekend away from home, just the two of us, camped out in a tent in an open field of other concertgoers. We danced, we sang, we laughed, and we partied all day and night, covered in glow-in-the-dark paint. Even when we did turn in for some sleep, we didn’t really do much sleeping.

I imagined that’s how our life was going to be. Carefree and fun. Completely in love. But two days after we got back, Kat didn’t ask me to stay, and I left for college.

She’d bruised my ego. I didn’t call her right away. Now I knew that was my biggest mistake. I let the only girl I’d ever loved walk away without as much as a fight. No wonder she wanted to transfer that first day she showed up at my house. I’d looked at it as a second chance. She’d probably looked at it as a horrible reminder of the boy who left her behind.

“I didn’t have any bottled water, but the tap is pretty good. I put some ice and a . . .” Her words faltered as her eyes settled on the album on my lap.

“You can’t hate me that much, considering you didn’t toss this into a bonfire,” I said with a smile.

Red crept into her cheeks and I was reminded of how flushed she got those nights in the tent. How it started at her chest and spread up her neck. The gleam of sweat that coated her skin.

“That’s none of your business,” she said.

“It looks like it’s all of my business.”

“You know what I mean.”

“It’s nothing to be embarrassed about. I mean, I’d want to remember me too.”

“If you weren’t holding that album, I would dump this water all over your head.”

“I’ll consider myself lucky then.” I held my hand out to her. She disregarded it, gripping the two glasses of water tightly. “Please sit with me.”

She let out an exaggerated sigh and handed me one of the glasses, then sat on the cushion beside me. “That was a good time,” she said, pointing to the ticket.

“The best.” Her cheeks were still red. I cupped my hand on her jaw and rubbed my thumb across her skin. “Can I show you something?”

She rolled her eyes. “I’ve already seen it.”

I laughed.

Her gaze shot to my crotch then back to my face. “And if I remember correctly, it wasn’t too impressive.”

“While I would love to prove you wrong, that’s not what I was referring to.” I reached into my pocket and she cocked an eyebrow.

She might have held onto an album full of our memories, but she wasn’t the only person who’d held onto something. I pulled out my wallet and flipped it open.

“I’ve seen a condom before.”

My lip lifted in the corner. “That’s for another time.” I winked and reached into the opposite slot across from the condom.

I slid out the small square and handed it to her. Her eyes darted to me and then back to the small picture in my hand.

“I couldn’t throw it out. Never even crossed my mind, actually. I was afraid if I tossed it . . .” I shrugged. “I would’ve tossed every memory with it. I didn’t want to do that. I didn’t want to forget any of it. So I’ve held onto it.”

She ran her thumb across the photo then glanced up at me. “Your other girlfriends didn’t mind?”

“What other girlfriends?”

She raised her eyebrows in her you’re-such-a-liar face.

“I never said there weren’t other girls. There were. But they didn’t do it for me. I never knew why. Guess I didn’t want to admit to myself . . . I fucked up when I walked away. I should’ve fought for you. You’re stubborn as hell, but I still could’ve—”

My words were cut off by Kat’s lips. I grabbed her face, skin soft beneath my fingers, but there was nothing soft about the kiss. I ran my hands through her hair, and she pushed against my chest, knocking me into the cushion before kicking her leg over my side to straddle me, careful to keep her weight off my thigh. Damn gunshot wound. I wanted to feel all of her. Every inch, every ounce.

I wanted to flip her under me and relive the past. Make new memories and create a future. Because holding her against me, mouths pressed together, I had never been more certain about anything. That day in the hallway, I thought I’d lose my life. Even though I felt guilty for all those who didn’t make it out . . . I was given a second chance. Why? I didn’t know. But I did know Kat was part of it.

I ran my hands back up into the silk of her hair and knotted my fingers in it, pulling lightly so I could position her neck. I dragged my tongue down and behind her ear, looping around her lobe.

A moan escaped from her lips, traveling right to my pants. I pushed the strap of her top away and kissed the soft skin along her shoulder. Her head fell back, and she arched into me.

I cupped her breast and pressed my lips to the curve of her breasts. Trailing kisses along the material of her bra. I wrapped my hand around the back of her head and pulled her back to me, brushing my mouth against hers.

My dick throbbed against my zipper as her tongue slid against mine. I kissed the corner of her mouth and trailed back down the creamy softness of her neck, right across her collarbone. God she smelled good.

Suddenly I remembered we were supposed to be talking. I took my lips from her shoulder. She whimpered, and I had to fight the urge to say “screw it” and take what she was willing to give me.

But right now talking was the priority. Darren had made it pretty clear that what she needed to tell me was serious. We had the whole night ahead of us for other things.

“We’re supposed to be talking.”

“I don’t want to talk. I just want to forget about everything else.” Her big blue eyes pleaded with me. She ran her hands up to my face and tried to pull me close, but that wasn’t what she needed. She was relentless in her efforts, dragging her fingers down my shirt and pushing them underneath the fabric. Cold hands splayed across my stomach, and I sucked in a jagged breath.

“Please stop trying to avoid this. Does it have to do with the house? Your bills?”

She shook her head and leaned in, kissing my neck.

“Kit Kat, you’re killing me, and trust me, it’s harder than it’s ever been.” I grinned and looked down at my growing erection then back up to Kat’s face. “But I’m not touching you until you talk.”

“That’s okay. You don’t need to do anything. Just sit back and relax.” Her hand reached down to my zipper, and I grabbed her wrist, halting her advances. I brought her hand to my lips and kissed her knuckles one by one.

“You’re avoiding the conversation again.” I stared into her eyes, trying to give her the strength she needed to just let out whatever she was holding inside.

Her body sagged, and she took a deep breath. “Those phone calls I was getting earlier.”

“Who was it?”

She fiddled with the hem of her shirt for a moment, as if completely mesmerized by the fabric. Her gaze darted to mine, and I watched the rise and fall of her chest before she finally spoke. “When I was in school, a year ago, I agreed to be lab partners with this guy, Bryan. He seemed nice at first, normal, but as we got deeper into our assignment, he got a little weird. He started calling me constantly. If I didn’t answer or call him back, he would leave me nasty messages. He began questioning me in class, asking who I was fooling around with. I thought he was a bit insane, but I needed to pass the class to graduate, so I just . . . dealt with it.”

I didn’t like where the conversation was going, and by the way she sucked her bottom lip in, I knew it was only going to get worse.

“After my mom died I was run down. I was working during the day, taking classes at night. I just wanted to finish the semester. One night I left class, it was late and I had parked on the other side of campus. There weren’t a lot of lights on the path I was on, and next thing I knew, fingers wrapped around my mouth . . .” Tears built in her eyes. I took her hand in mine and squeezed it. “And he pushed me up against a tree. I managed to bite his hand and scream, but he slapped me across the face and held a knife to my throat. I was helpless against him. I closed my eyes and just hoped it would be fast and painless. I was in scrubs, so it was easy for him to get my pants down.”

I ground my teeth and dug my nails into my palm. I didn’t want to hear any more, afraid she would tell me what I feared most. But I couldn’t walk away from her. Not again. I needed to hear everything she wanted to confide in me.

“One minute I’m praying for it to just end quickly, and the next, the guy is off me. I pushed myself against the tree, fixed my pants and hugged my legs to my chest. Darren had heard me scream and come running. Lucky for me he had been taking martial arts since he was a kid. His dad’s way of trying to un-gay him. The guy didn’t get any farther. I had to testify. He was sent to prison on attempted rape charges, but he still calls me. He calls someone who he has approval to speak with and they three-way call me. I even blocked his number, but he got around that too. It’s sick. But there’s nothing I can do.”

My blood boiled. Anger coursed through every crevice. I wanted to kill the fucker.

“What do you mean he still calls you? Kat, call the prison or whoever and report his ass.”

Her hands flailed out in front of her. “You don’t think I haven’t done that? I have. They went back and listened to his phone conversations and none of the times he called me were recorded. They stripped his cell, thinking he snuck in a phone somehow, but they didn’t find anything. Then you know what they told me? First, they said it was impossible, then they said if I want him to stop calling me, I needed to stop all communication with him. As if I were provoking
him
. Like I wasn’t the victim in this whole fucked-up situation.”

“That’s absurd.”

“I know.” She slumped into the worn cushions of the sofa, her frame no longer looking just small, but fragile too. Her body no longer within her control, overpowered by defeat.

“I’m so sorry,” I said, because, really, what else could I say?

“Why? You did nothing wrong. Apparently I pissed off one of the big guys upstairs and they’re having a field day with me.”

“Is that what you think?” I took her hand back in mine, running my thumb across her knuckles, wishing I could rub the memories away, leaving her only with the ones worth remembering.

She shrugged.

“You did nothing to deserve this. Nothing. You can’t blame yourself. You hear me?”

“It’s hard not to.”

“Believe it. If anything I blame myself.”

Her hand slid out from mine and she crossed her arms over her chest. “Now that’s just ridiculous.”