One (23 page)

For weeks, I've planned
this night. I've gained their trust as a little orphan girl, willing
to work hard for money. Lonely. Lost. Completely vulnerable for
predators like them. They probably would have approached me to do
more than just farm if Braidon's uncle hadn't let the word out about
Braidon and me. In his own way, Braidon has taken care of me,
protected me even. If I was another person and he was another man,
perhaps what we had could be real. But I am myself and Braidon is not
right in the head, and together we are too broken to ever be anything
more than fragments.

I let the match drop.

The hiss is instant.
It's strange that death and destruction is so instant when life is
anything but. Even the act of giving birth to a child takes hours and
hours to complete, but death is encompassing. It can take years if it
desires, or one delicate moment.

Tonight, it will take
five minutes.

The flames catch on the
oil faster than I thought possible. It's so bright I'm afraid it will
swallow the night.

I watch the farm burn.
I've thought about this moment for so long. As I watch my plan come
to fruition, all I can do is quiver. Everything is burning.
Gonzales's empire is not large in America. This would be a huge blow
to him. What I've done tonight will cost him millions. I can imagine
Gonzales's face when he's realized what has happened. I can imagine
his rage.

I can imagine the
people I might have saved with this one act of rebellion. I try to
hold onto that, but the emptiness is still there, vast and great.

The wind picks up, and
the flames flicker, spilling into several directions. Someone will
see the blaze and call the cops. Someone will know what I did
tonight.

I don't move. My eyes
are trained on the orange flames. They lick at everything around
them, dancing in a sinuous way that only flames can, swaying and
dipping. The blaze is mesmerizing, and the soil doesn't fight the
fire. It welcomes the heat. It welcomes the smolder. It welcomes the
burn.

For a moment, so do I.

Pax's apartment is
small, almost as small as my dorm room, but he's paying twice as
much.

"It's a crappy
deal," I whisper the thought out loud.

"My car's worse
than crap now. It's shit on a stick with extra horse shit toppings
and fucking mosquito's buzzing around." Pax's words don't make
sense. They sound aggravated and angry.
He
sounds aggravated
and angry. Pax walks over to a window, and shoves it up. Instantly,
crowded city sounds are heard. Sirens. The pumping of a train. Cars
honking. Loud laughter. "I can't fucking believe this," he
mutters, staring into the distance. "Twice in two years. I've
got the fucking worst luck."

He sounds so unlike him
that I give a start after he's finished speaking.

"Got a cigarette?"
he asks.

"You
smoke
?"

"No, but I need to
start." He's not looking at me. "I've been dealing with all
this shit- the accident, my parents' death, all of it- the way
everyone's been wanting me to deal with it. I've done the counseling,
poured my energy into worthwhile things, filled up my time until I'm
too exhausted for nightmares… I've done everything I'm supposed to
fucking do, and you know what? Tonight, I just want to smoke."

I've never seen Pax
like this. I've never imagined it could happen. In that moment, I
realize I've built him up so high in my head that he's ceased to be
human. The anger emanating off him like smoke has finally opened my
eyes to reality. Instantly, I'm reminded of that painting we drew
together so many nights ago. He'd drawn curtains over parts of him. I
thought that I'd seen all of him. Tonight another part of the curtain
just opened for me.

"I'm sorry,"
I whisper, shaking my head. "I don't have any smokes."

Pax doesn't answer me.
I don't expect him to. Silence stretches between us, a pregnant quiet
filled with secrets and wrought emotions.

"Pax," I
begin.

"Don't," he
cuts me off.

I'm so surprised I step
back.

He puts a hand through
his hair, sighing. I blink back burning tears. I didn't once think to
cry when we were in the car and fighting for our lives. I didn't even
feel tears coming on. Pax says one word, and suddenly I'm becoming a
blubbering mess. My fists clench at my sides.

"Come here,
Jules."

I don't move. I don't
want to hear what he has to say. Why did I trust him? Why did I trust
myself
that I could ever begin fresh?

"Come
here
,
Jules," his voice is more forceful.

Why should I?
An
inner voice rebels. Why should I listen? As soon as I think it, the
answer comes.
Because you deserve it,
the voice tells me.
Because there are always consequences to actions.

My legs are wooden when
I move, heavy and oak-like. It feels like forever before I reach his
side, but it's still too soon for me. Pax doesn't acknowledge how
close I am to him. It's almost as if he's forgotten I'm here, as if
he's forgotten
me
.

"Jules."

I don't trust myself to
speak. I don't trust myself not to shatter into a million pieces.

I close my eyes. I
don't want to see his face when he says it. There is a long pause. I
tremble, shivering from the warm night air. I detect the soft sounds
of movement. I gasp as I feel fingers touching my forehead. It's the
same spot where I'd hit my head. A hiss of pain releases from my
lips.

"Does it hurt?"

I nod. "Only a
little."

After a lengthy moment
I feel Pax's arm come around me. He brings my body into his chest,
squeezing me tightly against him. I'm shaking violently as I bury my
face in his chest. Unbidden, emotions and images of what happened
tonight flow through me. Pax holds my quaking form up. I'm shaking so
hard my bones must be rattling against each other, but he only holds
me tighter. He helps me stand because I can't by myself.

"Listen." Pax
pauses, taking a breath. "I want to apologize about how I acted
just now. Tonight is a lot to take in and it just reminded me so much
of the accident when I lost my parents. It was so eerie, how
everything was so similar." He squeezes me. "I was
terrified I was going to lose you. I was terrified I was going to
drive someone I love straight to their grave again."

Love
. He'd said
love
. I close my eyes, sagging in relief. He smells beautiful.
I clutch him tighter.
Love, love, love.
The word rings in my
head like the most exquisite sounding chimes.

"I don't know what
I would do if I lost another loved one so soon after…" his
voice trails off and I hear him swallow. "I just can't. This is
as strong as I am. I c-can't be any stronger."

"Pax." I hate
how he sounds, as if he isn't the most wonderful and protective and
strong man I know, as if he hadn't just saved my life. "You are
amazing
. What you've accomplished, what you've done, what you
continue
to do is the most remarkable and mind-blowing thing
I've ever seen a person do," I whisper, clutching his face to
mine. "You've just saved our lives, Pax. You're brave and
thoughtful and-" my voice breaks. "You could've died and
all you thought about was me." Pictures flicker of him putting
his hand on me to get me down, thinking about me when he should've
been thinking about himself.

My eyes are blurry,
fogging his face. It doesn't matter though. I know every inch of him.
He's the face in my dreams that fights my nightmares. He's the face I
see every morning to keep me going.

Pax kisses me. It's
another gentle kiss, mixed with tears and adrenaline and near
hysteria. It's an exciting kiss, meant to comfort, but it only builds
the emotions inside us deeper, greater. I moan into his mouth, and
suddenly he's walking me back, clasping my face tightly with his big
palms.

The kiss turns savage,
animalistic. Pax grabs one of my legs from the floor and curls it
around his waist. This forces my other foot onto my big toe, and for
a moment I'm a ballerina in his arms. When we move again, I wrap my
other leg around his waist, letting him carry me where he wants. I
can't see where we're going, but it doesn't matter anymore. I trust
him. I trust him so much I'm allowing him to lead as I cling on,
tight and unflinching.

"Pax," I moan
his name, hoping he understands what I want. He catches the sound in
his throat just like I knew he would. He puts me against something
hard- a wall- and continues to lure my mouth to his. His tongue
traces my lips before slipping inside, and flickering over the most
sensitive parts of my mouth. I do the same back, tracing the smooth
contours of his lips and mouth. Pax doesn't taste sweet; he tastes
raw and real and a thousand times better than the sweetest fruit.

I gasp when his lips
leave mine to trail hot kisses over my cheeks and down my throat. He
moves the thin straps of my dress aside and tongues my bare
shoulders, sucking my bare skin until I cry out from the pain and
pleasure of it. I move my hips restlessly against his. I feel his
hardness between my thighs. I rub harder.

"Jules," he
groans, lifting his head up. "We almost died. Are you trying to
kill me again?"

I smile. I think he's
the only one who can ever make me smile about this. I touch his face,
locking my eyes with his. "Did you mean what you said? Earlier?"
My breath hitches, and for a moment, I'm terrified I might have
imagined everything he said. "Did you mean it when you said you…
l-love me?" My voice is quieter than a whisper. I don't think he
heard me, but his eyes are trained on my mouth and he watched me form
the word.

The corners of his lips
turn up. "The sirens and screeching tires seem to have affected
my hearing." He scratches his ears. "Say it again?"

My eyes widen.
Is he
serious?
I don't want to say it again. My heart's beating so
fast, terrified he's going to break it when he was the one who put it
together in the first place. We stare at each other.
Please mean
what you said,
I think, searching his eyes.
Please let it be
real…

Pax bends down and
captures my lips again. The kiss is sugary and affectionate. It makes
me hungry for more than kisses.

"Jules," he
says against my lips, "I love you. I think I loved you the
moment-"

I break away. "The
moment you saw me roll down the hill?" I ask with breathless
amusement.

"No. The moment
you opened your legs and rode me."

My eyes widen, and even
though my body's still flush from his, I pinch his neck. "That's
just your hormones, you perv!"

He kisses me again.
"Hormones are part of being in love."

I don't pinch him again
because everything about this moment makes me happier than I've ever
felt. "Let me stay tonight with you," I say quietly.

He stills, his lips
still pressed to my cheek. He pulls back a fraction of an inch.
"Jules, I don't know what happened back there, but just because
I love you doesn't mean you need to-"

I put a finger to his
lips. "Shh. That's not why." I trace his bottom lip. "I
need you tonight, Pax." I don't know why my voice breaks. I only
know that in that second I've never needed anything more than this.
Maybe these feelings are raging stronger because of what happened
tonight. Maybe my girlish heart is being swayed by Pax's declaration
of love. It doesn't matter. All I know is I feel how right this is
straight to my bones.
This
is the man who I want to take me
for the first time. This is the man who is my one.

"Are you sure?"

I lift my mouth to his.
"I've never been surer."

When his lips touch
mine again, I use my teeth to nip his lower lip. The low growl from
his throat urges me on and I do it again and again, moving my mouth
to his neck.

"You're fucking
amazing," he says.

"Fabusometastic?"
I tease in a breathless whisper.

"Fabusometastic
ful
."
I lift an eyebrow. "Fabulous, awesome, fantastic and
wonderful
,"
he explains, groaning into my mouth.

I don't know why that
touches me but it does. A warm tingling that has nothing to do with
Pax's body spreads inside, opening like the wings of an eagle. "I
love you," I tell him, suddenly remembering that I hadn't
reciprocated the sentiment yet.

He smiles, lifting me
from the wall and back into his chest. "I figured that. Now
let's get to bed."

His voice is husky. It
sends shivers of pleasure down my spine. When he puts me on the bed,
I don't waste any time pulling him on top of me. I want to take his
weight the way he's been taking mine. My fingers move across his back
and soon his shirt is off. His hands touch my breasts and I arch,
shoving more of myself into his palms. Slowly, I take his hands away
and get on my knees. Without taking my eyes off him I slip my dress
over my head. He sucks in a breath. I unclasp my bra, slowly sliding
it off my chest. He's frozen, staring so intently at me that for a
second I'm afraid he doesn't like what he sees.

"You're beautiful,
Jules."

"You're beautiful
too, Pax."

There are no more words
that night, only touches, feelings and sensations. Pax kisses me the
moment he enters me. It's the kiss I'll remember forever because it
took away any pain I felt. That's what Pax does; he soothes the pain.
He turns it into something better.

When Pax begins to move
inside me I close my eyes, kissing his shoulder. I let his rhythm
rock me. I let his hard breathing wash away all my fears. I let the
slow pleasure take over me, pleasant like a hum. Soon the hum becomes
a buzz, building deeper and louder. My breathing matches his. Sounds
burst forth from my mouth with abandon.